To feel totally deflated by DH volatile behaviour

[Embarrassedsad]

Had an awful end to a meal out tonight with my parents and DH, and feeling completely depressed about my marriage. DH stormed out of left pub, leaving me with our baby because he “would not be told off” after myself and DM said it was completely inappropriate and unhygienic that DH took baby with him to the loo as he was holding him. I think to leave was a massive overreaction and very disrespectful to my parents, who help us a lot with the baby.

For context, I had been on a day out with my parents, and DH met us from work for dinner. DC was tired so was grizzly, I asked DH several times to put DC in the pram to sleep (DH was holding baby and near pram, I was trapped in by the table) but DH refused saying DC was fine being held. (Baby is a poor sleeper and very needy at night so I don’t really want to encourage holding when asleep, although I admit I didn’t articulate this well in the context of using the pram). DH also wound me up doing other things with the baby despite me asking him to stop, eg upsetting DC by trying to clear nose when almost asleep, and interrupting conversation to point out DC was settled now in his arms (knowing I wanted DC to be asleep in the pram). I was visibly annoyed by DH being annoying and immature ignoring what I wanted and said it was on DH to look after baby then.

Anyway at end of meal DH, still holding baby, suddenly got up and disappeared (he muttered something but no one heard what DH said), turned out DH had gone to use the bathroom. When DH returned, both DM and I said it was completely inappropriate and not very hygienic, also unnecessary when other people could have held DC. DH said I had told him he would have to do that earlier in the meal, then got so annoyed “I will not be told off”, he gathered up his things and left, leaving me with DC and all our things (and me and DParents with unpaid bill!). The station I needed to use to get home has no lift and c.50 steps so couldn’t do this on my own, although when I called DH to ask wtf he was doing he did offer to wait at the station. DH later tried to justify leaving by saying I did the same at an occasion with his family which a) I didn’t and b) was seven years ago.

DH has form for storming off if we have a disagreement - he seems to really boil over and then take a long time to cool down. He last did this in front of other people a few months ago when out for food with my DSis when I was 6 weeks PP. Admittedly I said something unnecessarily mean on that occasion which I immediately apologised for, but DH still dramatically gathered up his stuff and left, again leaving me out and about at night with then tiny baby (he did not come back as we were a 20 min walk away with no steps).

DH and I have not been getting on particularly well as it is, but I am so embarrassed about the way DH doesn’t seem to care about making other people uncomfortable, and particularly by the storming off which I think is a very immature way to react. I’m also deflated by the way DH will bring up things that happened years ago, as it makes me feel like DH really resents me - but also what is the point of me ever trying to grow / change, if past transgressions will continue to be used by DH as a justification for his current behaviour?

I do not want to LTB because of losing access to DC for 50% of the time :(

You and your mum did both tell him off though which must have been grating for him. I've taken my baby into the toilet before when I've had a wee when on my own - I've weed holding him at home plenty of times when he wouldn't be put down. I don't think it's the worst thing and both of you telling him off was out of order. Also why did you get to decide about him going in the pram when his dad wanted to hold him? It's all a bit petty and embarrassing on both your parts really.

His reaction is obviously awful and unacceptable. But I do get the feeling from the description of the build up that the baby is very much your rules and your way... which would certainly contribute to a building frustration. It feels like your husband was trying too hard to prove that he could do it his way, and then when he was called out, lost it. Your other example of him storming off, also begins with you saying something to him...

Personally I would want to address both things. He needs to learn to better manage his anger and find other ways rather than storming off... but I would also wager that in general you both need to practice communicating better with each other, to avoid tensions building on both sides.

I think this is fair, thank you. As a prior poster said, taking DC to the loo is not that bad (I also do it at home) but I think it felt like DH was making a point. Tension and communication issues are something that I would definitely like to work on / address.

With the rules thing, I’m probably generally feeling frustrated as I don’t feel DH listens to me re the baby but DH will listen to other people eg I suggested trying pick up put down method, he told me it was stupid, then came home a couple of weeks later telling me about this great method his friend had told him about. But I’m frustrated as DH’ opinions (re not putting the baby down) leave me to deal with the consequences / needy baby eg the day before yesterday DC was out for 17 hours - bike ride, work, pub with friend - and I’d only had two hours’ sleep the night before. Again issues being exacerbated by communication!

Have you considered couples counselling OP? A good counsellor will be able to help you with things like improving your communication, compromising between different parenting methods, approaches to dealing with conflict etc. At the moment it seems like your relationship is characterised by low level disagreements and bickering, but it doesn't sound like there's anything seriously wrong between you. It would be good to get things back on track and start being kinder to each other. Rather than focusing on this particular incident I would step back a bit and think of ways to improve your relationship in general.

You sound as bad as each other and DM had no need to join in.

If my husband spoke to me like that I would not hang around either

It sounds like you were the one being volatile, not him, and you had your Mum backing you up so he probably felt ganged up on. I'd probably have left if I was him, and my partner and in law were criticizing everything I did.

Your mum has no business getting involved. Well done to dh for walking away.

You sound a bit OTT about the baby and like things have to be done your way. Your mum shouldn’t have joined in with telling him off about the toilet thing, it’s no wonder he felt like you were ganging up on him.

I think you need some couples counselling or something. There are clearly issues in this marriage.

I think you need to consider how it must feel to be your DH with you and your Mum constantly correcting and directing him where his own baby is concerned. His behaviour wasn’t good, but I don’t think mine would be in these circumstances either, to be completely honest.

You and your mum do not come across well here. Your dh hadn't seen his child all day because he had been working and you criticise him for wanting to hold his child. You then tell him that the child is then his responsibility for the rest of the evening but you and your mum both bitch when he does this. You've since admitted in a subsequent post that you take the baby into the loo with you but for some reason think it's only unhygienic when your dh does it. You need to accept that the baby is not just yours and your dh is an equal parent. You also need to say what you mean and stop playing games. And your mum needs to keep her nose out and stop shit-stirring.

Yes it all sounds it has to be your way, and he doesn’t get to parent his own child. He probably felt ganged up on with your mum chipping in too. And sounds like it’s a recurring theme so he’s probably fed up of you as you are of him. You need to sit down and face a good talk about got to communicate, and tell your mum to butt out.

The storming off is immature however he probably felt like you and DM were ganging up on him so to speak.
I had this with my ex and his DM before and its not nice and ive come close to boiling over myself. Don't make mountains out of a molehill and definitely keep your mother out of it.

You do realise this is his baby too? Why is your mum telling him off?

You sound very controlling.
You also say he’s stormed off before but admitted it was because YOU said something mean.
YABVU

OP, I think you were patronising to him for the whole meal. You keep telling him what to do and not to do with his own baby, who he was holding and caring for. Why you wanting your baby in the pram trumps his wish to hold his baby close to him? The baby is as his as yours. Your DH was not putting your baby in any harm or discomfort. He just wanted to hold the baby! It is the cuttest loveliest thing to me!
Then, your mother joined in....
I would not remained married to someone like this, sorry to say. This is far too much micromanaging and bossing around. Instead of looking at the positive: your baby's father is there, present, even looking at his child's nose, cleaning it and wanting to hold him/ her.

My husband‘s quite volatile so I clicked on thinking I could help you with some techniques. But in reality I’ve read through your post and I’m thinking poor bloody bloke, he’s doing everything he can to help with his baby, finding out things for himself, and all he’s got is a wife and potentially mother-in-law who both think they know better just because they’re women. You need to back off massively. Why does the baby have to be put down in the pram if it gives him a sense of agency and pleasure getting him to fall asleep in his arms? I’ve taken my own child into a loo a million times. I think you need to look inwards and you might find that you are a big part of this problem. You need to back off before it’s too late and you kill everything.

For one, your mother has no business making comments.

But the crux of it is, you spent the whole dinner complaining about him and his parenting. Why are you in charge? Why is he not allowed hold his baby who he hasn't seen all day of he was working?

He was right to leave if he felt he would say something he might regret.

I don't blame him for not staying around and leaving you. You told him off in front of your mother which must have been really humiliating for him. On top of that, your mother joined in also.

You should have waited until you got back home to have a chat with him about it.

You and your mum come across as nitpicky and controlling. The baby fell asleep in his arms. Fantastic the baby is asleep. He took the baby to the loo, so what? I presume the baby is totally fine.
Sounds to me you and your mum are the it’s your way or the highway type. Im not surprised he’s pissed at you. I would be to.

Tbh I’d probably need a walk off to clear my head if DH and my MIL were repeatedly telling me to do what they wanted with DC, especially for such little unnecessary things - and then commenting on going to the toilet!

It sounds like you spent the evening nagging him repeatedly about things he was doing with his child (which all sound like totally normal things) and you getting visibly annoyed and then ganging up on him with your mum commenting too? He’s an adult, he doesn’t need telling off. You’ve also got form for being mean in front of your family!

Why should DH place more importance on people being comfortable - especially people being rude / mean to him, than he does on his own comfort?

Wow, just let your DH look after his own child! So on stuff like that ease off. If there ar eother problems to address in your relationship do so, but you are massively over analysing and interfering with what he does with the baby.

I wouldn't have acted the way he did but I can definitely see why he got annoyed. You micro manage him and pick at him all the time it seems + you have a history of saying mean things to him. I think resentment has well and truly kicked in, possibly from both sides, and I think that is very, very hard to get over. Neither of you communicate well so I think you have a very long road ahead of you if you want to make this work and create a healthy environment for your child to grow up in.

Team Husband here, by your own account you were berating the bloke from the minute he sat down. Good on him for choosing to walk away rather than blowing up at you in the restaurant

I think the decision as to whether or not you end this marriage will be taken out of your hands if you carry on in this way, and rightly so.

It sounds like you and your mother are both extremely controlling - you try to control him and you are trying to control the baby also. Talking about the baby “being needy” and a “poor sleeper” - how old is this baby?! All babies are “needy”. Babies prefer to fall asleep in their caregiver’s arms, and sleep better close to them. That’s all very very normal and that’s beautiful and natural the baby’s dad wants to be there to comfort them and cuddle them to sleep, rather than attempt to engineer the baby to behave in a way that suits them.

So many mums are on here complaining about the dad having no interest, not wanting to hold the baby, take care of them and here you and your mother are trying to control him and stop him doing just that. That’s exactly like the way my own mother was, and it drove a wedge between me and my sister and my dad for our whole childhood - so good on your baby’s dad for standing up to you both.