To feel totally deflated by DH volatile behaviour

[Embarrassedsad]

Had an awful end to a meal out tonight with my parents and DH, and feeling completely depressed about my marriage. DH stormed out of left pub, leaving me with our baby because he “would not be told off” after myself and DM said it was completely inappropriate and unhygienic that DH took baby with him to the loo as he was holding him. I think to leave was a massive overreaction and very disrespectful to my parents, who help us a lot with the baby.

For context, I had been on a day out with my parents, and DH met us from work for dinner. DC was tired so was grizzly, I asked DH several times to put DC in the pram to sleep (DH was holding baby and near pram, I was trapped in by the table) but DH refused saying DC was fine being held. (Baby is a poor sleeper and very needy at night so I don’t really want to encourage holding when asleep, although I admit I didn’t articulate this well in the context of using the pram). DH also wound me up doing other things with the baby despite me asking him to stop, eg upsetting DC by trying to clear nose when almost asleep, and interrupting conversation to point out DC was settled now in his arms (knowing I wanted DC to be asleep in the pram). I was visibly annoyed by DH being annoying and immature ignoring what I wanted and said it was on DH to look after baby then.

Anyway at end of meal DH, still holding baby, suddenly got up and disappeared (he muttered something but no one heard what DH said), turned out DH had gone to use the bathroom. When DH returned, both DM and I said it was completely inappropriate and not very hygienic, also unnecessary when other people could have held DC. DH said I had told him he would have to do that earlier in the meal, then got so annoyed “I will not be told off”, he gathered up his things and left, leaving me with DC and all our things (and me and DParents with unpaid bill!). The station I needed to use to get home has no lift and c.50 steps so couldn’t do this on my own, although when I called DH to ask wtf he was doing he did offer to wait at the station. DH later tried to justify leaving by saying I did the same at an occasion with his family which a) I didn’t and b) was seven years ago.

DH has form for storming off if we have a disagreement - he seems to really boil over and then take a long time to cool down. He last did this in front of other people a few months ago when out for food with my DSis when I was 6 weeks PP. Admittedly I said something unnecessarily mean on that occasion which I immediately apologised for, but DH still dramatically gathered up his stuff and left, again leaving me out and about at night with then tiny baby (he did not come back as we were a 20 min walk away with no steps).

DH and I have not been getting on particularly well as it is, but I am so embarrassed about the way DH doesn’t seem to care about making other people uncomfortable, and particularly by the storming off which I think is a very immature way to react. I’m also deflated by the way DH will bring up things that happened years ago, as it makes me feel like DH really resents me - but also what is the point of me ever trying to grow / change, if past transgressions will continue to be used by DH as a justification for his current behaviour?

I do not want to LTB because of losing access to DC for 50% of the time :(

Is this really how people live? OP, imagine that your husband was out on his own with the baby and needed a wee..... would you want him to leave the baby outside the gents unsupervised? Obviously not. So I've no idea how taking baby with him could be "inappropriate".
Enjoy the fact that your husband wants to be with his child, stop telling him what to do and tell your mother to keep out of your relationship. Oh, and apologising to your husband might be good, too.

I agree, no doubt the DH took the baby because if he passed DC over he would never get a look in again! OP had already been hassling him to out the baby in the pram all day. The poor guy is at work all week and just wants to hold his baby!
I know a few women who not only see super controlling with the baby, but their mother is allowed to do whatever she wants with the baby at all times but it’s the father who is always kept at total arms length!

Eeeeesh the key message I took away from your post is your poor husband. You questioned every single thing he did and then two of you had a go at him for something you said you’d do yourself.

If I was him walking away from that situation is the best outcome too.

Yes I think it’s a weirdly common dynamic. Try and let go a bit OP. I agree counselling would be a good idea.

Babies aren’t needy they are babies.

It sounds like you were constantly belittling his parenting in front of your parents and then you both further gave him hassle when he was doing exactly what you’d told him to do?
Id have got up and walked out too.

This post isn’t going the way you thought it would, is it OP? 😂

Having a baby changes couple dynamics much more than is ever really acknowledged. I can see and understand how this boiled over, from both perspectives. I've been guilty many times over the years of doing things my way, and I understand that this dynamic usually arises when there is a primary carer who is hyper vigilant about anything that can throw a routine out. As a one-off I'd cut him some slack.

But you say this is a pattern of behaviour, and that's the thing that jumps out at me. As others have suggested, if you still love each other but are struggling to communicate effectively largely as a result of having a baby, then perhaps look into couples counselling. This would help work out if this really is a him problem, or a mutual communication problem.

As an aside, my dh has been that person who storms out. Turns out it was largely driven by social anxiety. He's been on anti anxiety medication for a while now and it's been a life changer - no more emotional peaks and troughs, much more even tempered and patient. My daughter is neurodivergent (diagnosed), we suspect my dh is too (undiagnosed).

Based on your DH reaction I suspect he is feeling belittled , deflated and possibly bullied by your and your mum’s behaviour. Imagine if this was a reverse DH spoke to you as you have described. Your DH is also your DC parent and it doesn’t always have to be your rules. I would suggest you both work on communication and how to co parent. It sounds like you specifically need to be more careful about how you speak to DH in front of your parents as it is completely unacceptable for your mum to join in criticising him.

No she won't be back to this thread now....

Bit of a difference between using your toilet at home and taking a baby into a men’s pub toilet when you don’t need to 🤢

A bit of awareness that OP is a new mum and her hormones are flying all over the place, and that anxiety and fear often underlies control wouldn't go amiss.

Leave him alone ffs. He wanted to have a cuddle with his baby after not seeing them all day and got told off for clearing his throat, not putting the baby down, keeping the baby with him when you’d told him to and you still managed to have a go at him?!

Poor man. Do you even like him? You’re treating him with utter contempt. You presumably thought he’d be a good dad to have had a baby with him, you have to give him a fucking chance instead of acting like you and your mum are the experts and he’s always in the wrong. I’d have walked out too.

Apologise and then back off. It’s also completely normal and healthy for a baby to want to sleep in their parents arms rather than being put in a buggy. You criticise your husband for being incompetent and your baby for being needy. Is your mum the only person you don’t find fault with?

It’s reassuring to see some understanding on this thread that new dads also have needs and need a chance to find their own methods.

His pathetic and childish behaviour isnt something you or mumsnet can solve. Its a make or break situation that requires a really good counsellor and your H needs to realise its this or divorce and he has to go with you.
Personally Id be off. I have zero time for men who behave like small children. But you say you dont want that so you need to find a professional who can help.

I think this is quite complicated and there is fault on both sides. He should be listening to you when it comes to decisions you are going to have to pay for later - it’s not unreasonable of you to want the baby to be able to settle in the pram, for example. You, however, seem to have designated yourself as the authority in all matters relating to the baby, which is frustrating and upsetting for him and will be interfering with his bond with his child. You humiliated him in front of your parents, and ganged up on him with your mother, over something that even you admit wasn’t a big deal. I would have left the restaurant if you had done that to me, and I wouldn’t characterise that reaction as “volatile”. Volatile would have been biting back and making a scene, which he didn’t do.

If you want DH to listen to you on things that really matter, then treat him like an equal parent, let him have his own relationship with your child which is different from yours, and try to establish a team dynamic where you work together. Stop treating him like an incompetent teenage au pair.

I don't think that necessarily needs to be at the expense of the OP, or come with LOL emojis, or speculating whether she'll be back.

You were unreasonable about the toilet thing - and really too much for your mum to chip in. He was unreasonable to storm off. You all need to get a grip.

It’s OPs way or the highway then?

Did we read the same thread?

Team husband. Your were being overbearing and your Mother is a interfering shit stirrer. She needs to keep her nose out.

If my DH and MIL started having a pop at me after a long day at work when I just want a cuddle with my baby then I'd have told the pair of them to sod off.

Unless the baby was screaming the place down and your DH was refusing to hand him over then YABVU. I would say sorry to DH.

Yes we did. There is never any excuse for the the big flounce. Although neither side looks great here he has a history of flouncing.
I cant stand men who do this or send you to coventry or sulk.
If I was him Id have told MIL to keep her beak put of it and continued with my meal.
Flouncing just makes him look like a complete dick.
They obviously dont want to get divorced so let a decent counsellor sort them out.
I dont think a mumsnet lynching will do a better job than a counsellor.

Sounds like he wants some time with hi baby after being at work all day. Think about that

He has a history of flouncing, because the OP has a history of being down right nasty to him.

Just because you can't stand men who do this, doesn't mean he's wrong. The OP is not the authoritarian and tbh she should get used to him having some minor parenting differences to her because if he chooses to leave her she won't have much have much choice.

The child wasn't in danger. There's no need to go on and on at him.