To feel totally deflated by DH volatile behaviour

[Embarrassedsad]

Had an awful end to a meal out tonight with my parents and DH, and feeling completely depressed about my marriage. DH stormed out of left pub, leaving me with our baby because he “would not be told off” after myself and DM said it was completely inappropriate and unhygienic that DH took baby with him to the loo as he was holding him. I think to leave was a massive overreaction and very disrespectful to my parents, who help us a lot with the baby.

For context, I had been on a day out with my parents, and DH met us from work for dinner. DC was tired so was grizzly, I asked DH several times to put DC in the pram to sleep (DH was holding baby and near pram, I was trapped in by the table) but DH refused saying DC was fine being held. (Baby is a poor sleeper and very needy at night so I don’t really want to encourage holding when asleep, although I admit I didn’t articulate this well in the context of using the pram). DH also wound me up doing other things with the baby despite me asking him to stop, eg upsetting DC by trying to clear nose when almost asleep, and interrupting conversation to point out DC was settled now in his arms (knowing I wanted DC to be asleep in the pram). I was visibly annoyed by DH being annoying and immature ignoring what I wanted and said it was on DH to look after baby then.

Anyway at end of meal DH, still holding baby, suddenly got up and disappeared (he muttered something but no one heard what DH said), turned out DH had gone to use the bathroom. When DH returned, both DM and I said it was completely inappropriate and not very hygienic, also unnecessary when other people could have held DC. DH said I had told him he would have to do that earlier in the meal, then got so annoyed “I will not be told off”, he gathered up his things and left, leaving me with DC and all our things (and me and DParents with unpaid bill!). The station I needed to use to get home has no lift and c.50 steps so couldn’t do this on my own, although when I called DH to ask wtf he was doing he did offer to wait at the station. DH later tried to justify leaving by saying I did the same at an occasion with his family which a) I didn’t and b) was seven years ago.

DH has form for storming off if we have a disagreement - he seems to really boil over and then take a long time to cool down. He last did this in front of other people a few months ago when out for food with my DSis when I was 6 weeks PP. Admittedly I said something unnecessarily mean on that occasion which I immediately apologised for, but DH still dramatically gathered up his stuff and left, again leaving me out and about at night with then tiny baby (he did not come back as we were a 20 min walk away with no steps).

DH and I have not been getting on particularly well as it is, but I am so embarrassed about the way DH doesn’t seem to care about making other people uncomfortable, and particularly by the storming off which I think is a very immature way to react. I’m also deflated by the way DH will bring up things that happened years ago, as it makes me feel like DH really resents me - but also what is the point of me ever trying to grow / change, if past transgressions will continue to be used by DH as a justification for his current behaviour?

I do not want to LTB because of losing access to DC for 50% of the time :(

I think all of this sounds a bit controlling on your part

Why on earth was your mother joining in?! I mean he sounds an immature tit but you and your mother sound like a pair of harridans!

I think I would have stormed off if I was your DH too. You sound controlling and patronising. Allowing your mum to join you in telling your DH off in public was really disrespectful. If this was told from your DHs perspective I think there would be plenty of LTBs.

There's a lot of 'I wanted' in there. Why does what you want overrule what he wants? You're both parents, you need to find a way of agreeing how to parent. Your post doesn't reflect well on you. I would also walk out if you told me how to parent my own baby.

It sounds like you and your mother gang up on your DH when it comes to parenting. How do you think you change a babies nappy if not taking it to the loo? Do you know how many women take their babies to the toilets with them?
When your DH was happy holding the baby, why did you have to keep insisting he put the DC in the pram?
It seems like many of your annoyances stem from your DH not taking instructions from you. But it’s his child too, and not actually your mother’s.

I really don't blame him. I would have felt like exploding in his shoes and leaving the scene was the best way to avoid it.

You sound so controlling and critical. With your mother adding to it, it's bullying.

I think you come across worse here op, really, really controlling, giving out to him , criticising him for holding his own baby etc. I think you've learnt very well from your mother tbh given her eagerness to jump in and criticise him too.

You are both equal parents, or you should be.

Your point is also very telling. “He doesn’t seem to care about making other people uncomfortable” you don’t seem to care about making your husband, the father of your child, uncomfortable!
While storming off isn’t the best tactic, it sounds like he has done this to avoid lashing out in reaction and saying something he either might regret, or could come to blow. But each time this has happens you behaved awfully and are totally at fault.

I think it’s clear he was trying to look like a good, involved dad doing all of the baby things in front of your parents. He likely felt that your requests undermined him as an equal parent and then when you both reprimanded him he felt shamed and excluded from his own baby’s care. I think it’s hard as primary carer not to take over but that’s what you were doing… treating him as a secondary, lesser parent. His reaction was dramatic but he obviously felt deeply criticised and like he had no say in his child’s life.

Yes, you do know better than him but he is still a parent. Time to discuss it with the view that you can both have been wronged.

He is childish but have you been able to slip in any compliments on how he handles baby eg you’re so good at making him smile/ changing his nappy, he’s always happy when he sees you walk in. Etc
as a mum I got a lot of ‘advice’ and no praise -it would have made a big difference

You don't cover yourself in glory here OP. Every time he does or suggest something it's wrong in your eyes. I would have left in his position too, being ganged upon by my partner and MIL.

I’d have walked out too. You and your mother sound like control freaks. It’s his baby too. 🤷‍♀️

Change the scenario to you holding baby and taking with you to toilet. You get back to the table and DH and FIL tell you you’re disgusting/ unhygienic etc. how would you feel? If it was me I’d feel bullied. Stop bullying and accept that there are many different ways to parent

Agree with everyone else. I don't blame him for leaving. You sound mean and controlling. I'm guessing you get this from your mum.

Your husband is your child's parent. Stop micromanaging everything he does otherwise he'll get fed up and you'll be a single parent in no time (although sounds like you would probably prefer this as everything would be your way).

I do think when kids are young and parents are adapting to their new responsibilities alongside lack of sleep, communication tends to suffer. You are both trying to do what you think is best, but it has become about who is ‘right’ and you are not working as a team. I remember sometimes having a very clear idea about how to do things in my head, being irritated with my DH doing things differently and then seeing his way worked really well. You need to both talk to each other properly and not undermine but be mutually supportive. It’s not easy because at the early stages there is such a fear of negatively impacting your child. I remember googling so many things in the early hours. Is this normal? What should I do? So many different views and then it all becomes overwhelming. What I learnt was to trust my DH. He didn’t (and still doesn’t) do things the way I do, but he is a absolutely brilliant dad that I trust and rely on 100%. Our DD benefits from us both. From when I went back to work when she was 10 months, he would have one day with her solo. I never left him lists of things to do or told him what she has to eat as I knew he knew and whilst we might not do things exactly the same, he would be doing the best by her. It’s really hard not to feel criticised when you’re trying to do your best and you’re knackered and someone is telling you you’re a bit rubbish. You’re both trying to find your way as parents to your DD and as parents together. The latter takes time to figure too. I don’t know the context of the relationship and maybe your DH is awful but on the things you’ve raised in you post, talking kindly to each other is the thing to focus on.

I think this is on you and your mum. I would be pretty pissed off, if my spouse and MIL kept criticising how I was caring for my baby and told me off for holding them!

I would have been afraid of him dropping the baby in the toilet!

And I agree you should let him parent his way if he's not putting baby in danger.

Your mum should shut up though !

I understand the necessity to take a baby into the loo with you if you’re on your own but he was not. He sounds like an immature prick tbh.

Your husband probably does resent you.
He seems pretty hen pecked. Maybe yourself or "DM" should have taken care of the baby.
I would have stormed out, too.
Thankfully, I don't have children and any meal with my husband goes to our mutual satisfaction.

Throwing a small baby into some relationships is brutal. You're knackered, resentful, and stressed by the sounds of it. He's pissed off with being micromanaged and criticized.

It sounds like it's you and your parents Vs him. You need to get yourselves onto the same side, not pit yourself against him or things will slide remarkably quickly. Nip this in the bud. Make a conscious effort not to go at him for everything he does in a way that you wouldn't. If the baby is asleep in a restaurant, safe and sound, all is well. Apply a similar ruling when you get the urge to correct him, or make a demand.

Some babies sleep great, others are a living nightmare, you get what you're given. They're all needy. That's the deal. Rules and regulations are a way for you to feel in control, but really, they're just making a prison.

If you continue like this, nit picking and bringing your Mum into arguements with your husband then you will destroy your marriage.

Dads have to be able to parent their children too. DH makes different decisions to me, I’ve realised they’re not necessarily worse.

I think giving instructions how to look after the baby would be really irritating and taking a baby to the loo isn’t completely inappropriate.

For your own ease and sanity I think you’d be better letting DH look after the baby without being prescriptive how it has to be done. Otherwise it all lands on you in the future.

i don’t understand why everything has to be find your way, he’s a Dad and gets a say too! I’d have left if I was your DH too! I’d be so upset and embarrassed.

My SIL was like this with my brother. Always criticising his parenting needlessly. The whole family loathed her and were so delighted when he left her. He’s a much better father now too, when he can make his own parenting choices with confidence. It’s lovely to see.

I know a few women like this who have been super controlling with their babies. Is it anxiety driven do you think? Generally the man gets fed up and either leaves or leaves all the parenting to the Mum as he gets fed up of being told he can’t do it right anyway.