To feel totally deflated by DH volatile behaviour

[Embarrassedsad]

Had an awful end to a meal out tonight with my parents and DH, and feeling completely depressed about my marriage. DH stormed out of left pub, leaving me with our baby because he “would not be told off” after myself and DM said it was completely inappropriate and unhygienic that DH took baby with him to the loo as he was holding him. I think to leave was a massive overreaction and very disrespectful to my parents, who help us a lot with the baby.

For context, I had been on a day out with my parents, and DH met us from work for dinner. DC was tired so was grizzly, I asked DH several times to put DC in the pram to sleep (DH was holding baby and near pram, I was trapped in by the table) but DH refused saying DC was fine being held. (Baby is a poor sleeper and very needy at night so I don’t really want to encourage holding when asleep, although I admit I didn’t articulate this well in the context of using the pram). DH also wound me up doing other things with the baby despite me asking him to stop, eg upsetting DC by trying to clear nose when almost asleep, and interrupting conversation to point out DC was settled now in his arms (knowing I wanted DC to be asleep in the pram). I was visibly annoyed by DH being annoying and immature ignoring what I wanted and said it was on DH to look after baby then.

Anyway at end of meal DH, still holding baby, suddenly got up and disappeared (he muttered something but no one heard what DH said), turned out DH had gone to use the bathroom. When DH returned, both DM and I said it was completely inappropriate and not very hygienic, also unnecessary when other people could have held DC. DH said I had told him he would have to do that earlier in the meal, then got so annoyed “I will not be told off”, he gathered up his things and left, leaving me with DC and all our things (and me and DParents with unpaid bill!). The station I needed to use to get home has no lift and c.50 steps so couldn’t do this on my own, although when I called DH to ask wtf he was doing he did offer to wait at the station. DH later tried to justify leaving by saying I did the same at an occasion with his family which a) I didn’t and b) was seven years ago.

DH has form for storming off if we have a disagreement - he seems to really boil over and then take a long time to cool down. He last did this in front of other people a few months ago when out for food with my DSis when I was 6 weeks PP. Admittedly I said something unnecessarily mean on that occasion which I immediately apologised for, but DH still dramatically gathered up his stuff and left, again leaving me out and about at night with then tiny baby (he did not come back as we were a 20 min walk away with no steps).

DH and I have not been getting on particularly well as it is, but I am so embarrassed about the way DH doesn’t seem to care about making other people uncomfortable, and particularly by the storming off which I think is a very immature way to react. I’m also deflated by the way DH will bring up things that happened years ago, as it makes me feel like DH really resents me - but also what is the point of me ever trying to grow / change, if past transgressions will continue to be used by DH as a justification for his current behaviour?

I do not want to LTB because of losing access to DC for 50% of the time :(

He wouldn't have washed his hands would he?

Tbh OP it sounds like you were completely micromanaging his parenting , nit picking everything he done and why was your mother getting involved in his parenting decisions, it’s nothing to do with her! I certainly wouldn’t be impressed if my in laws tried to tell me off for parenting choices with my own child. It sounds like you have form for putting him down in front of others which is really inappropriate and demeaning in a relationship. You sound quite immature. Ps going to the toilet with a baby is fine, I assume he wasn’t urinating on the child and how do you manage if you’re out alone with the child and need to use the toilet?

I’m would be sooo irritated if my partner and his mother tried to tell me what to do with my own baby…

Mmm. It’s not great scolding him for stuff, especially when it’s you and your mum but his reaction is classic “punisher”.

And personally I get why you’d be annoyed and feeling entitled to assert control over the baby if he leaves all the parenting to you and disrespects or dismisses helpful suggestions you have made.

You could always try leaving him to it - book a couple of nights away with friends and let him deal with the lack of sleep while you recharge.

A lot of the responses on here see you as the fixer for this situation. Just more emotional labour expectations placed on women…

Yeah Team Husband here. What a monster wanting to hold his baby after a long day at work and spend some time with them. What a monster to have dealt with things himself (any other mum want to say how many times they have changed a nappy in a toilet or gone to the wee with babe in arms???).

What did you want him to do - sit there and argue with you? The problem isn't him storming off - simple cause and effect. You micromanage, don't respect him as a parent, gang up on him with his mum and nit pic him and he does the grown up thing by not causing a scene and arguing with you and leaves.

Op i think a trap I fell into when I had ds was feeling so strongly about doing everything 'right' that it kind of became a situation where I really struggled to accept my ex doing things because he wouldn't do it quite the way I would and that became a real bone of contention although I did recognise it and try to be aware of it.

Everyone at some point has held a baby while going to the loo, I've even had to breastfeed on the loo at one point. If he's been at work all day then is it any wonder he'd rather hold baby for a cuddle than put baby in the pram? I completely get what it's like when you're the one up at night and you can get really stringent about sleep because - from your perspective- you're just trying to survive the exhaustion. But there's a lot of evidence out there to suggest that babies sleep better when they feel secure and they feel more secure through touch and connection to caregivers. Obviously its far more nuanced than that because you've other factors like wind and colic etc, but my point is that you really can't spoil a baby by holding them so if your dh wants to have a cuddle then that really needs to be OK. Cleaning baby's nose is appropriate care that he should be doing.

Honestly, I have a lot of sympathy for you because I've been you and I've had all those feelings myself, but you need to find ways to manage those or you will push your husband away and you'll really affect his confidence with his parenting. Ultimately you want him to be a proactive 50:50 partner and that means you need to let him in.

For me it really came down to post partum anxiety and that was exacerbated by very broken sleep. You need to be handing baby over to him when he gets home and getting your head down for ideally a couple of hours unbroken sleep and you need to speak to your midwife about how you're feeling if you are finding yourself low or anxious a lot.

I think his reaction has not been the best, but op there's also pattern to your behaviour here as well, you're all over him, criticising him, making it OK for your family to criticise him as well (which in itself is a bit of a betrayal as a partner) and you've embarrassed him in front of other people who are important to you both. And you're expecting him to just sit there and take it. I'm guessing that he's walking away because he doesn't actually know what else to do but remove himself from those moments. So as a couple you need to learn how to communicate and listen.

Why not get your mum to babysit once a week and commit to some marriage counselling sessions to help with this? And get some time booked in where dh is responsible for baby while you go and do something for yourself and have your own down time.

"I do not want to LTB because of losing access to DC for 50% of the time :("

I hate to say it but if this is the only reason why you don't want to leave then it may not be his resentment that's the issue. Do you still love him? Are you still able to see any good things that he brings to the table? It sounds like you need to try to prioritise the relationship you have with him a little more and try to schedule in a date night every now and then and get out and have fun together where you aren't both in parent mode and try to reconnect a bit.

And also just to say, I understand how him bringing up previous issues is really frustrating for you, but when one partner raises an issue with the other, the expectation is that they'll listen, be accountable and then adjust their behaviour. He is going to keep bringing up previous examples of criticising him in front of others and undermining him if you are continuing the same behaviours because its not about throwing it in your face - it's about trying to show you (maybe not in the best way) that it's a pattern of behaviour that's affecting him that you haven't addressed or changed. That's very different than - oh well one time you did xyz so you aren't perfect either (which is just mud slinging) .

Why would he take the baby to the look with him if you were all there? That's really weird. Not sure it's particularly unhygienic. Just very weird.

What did your parents say op?

my oh and I have ups and downs but the difference being it’s in private in our own home. We are a united front in front of others as we don’t need their input as well.

So if that was done to me it would be a dealbreaker.

Hello @Embarrassedsad the absolute key bit here is that your baby is a "poor sleeper"! Which means that neither one of you is at their sparkly best at the moment. It will pass!

Unless there's some major backstory here, I would say take a deep breath and try to find some common ground. Hopefully you'll both be able to agree that yes, taking the baby to the toilet was maybe not the best plan but, also yes, the set up with three against one was probably not ideal either.

There's every chance you'll find these squabbles funny one day when you're sleeping well and feeling like yourselves again.

Also, on a practical note, maybe don't bring the baby to pubs etc. at night when they would rather be tucked up in their own bed?

I also think:

1. Your mom should not have commented. It is nothing to do with her.
2. You come across as wanting to be the supreme commander of the baby with his father simply being a sub-parent. If there are actual reasons for why things need to a be a certain way and the consequences (such as baby getting used to be held to fall asleep and you bearing he brunt of that) you need to communicate that clearly in a stress free situation.

You need to back off and let your husband parent his own child. Your mum should stop interfering as well. Couples counselling is probably the best way forward, but you and DH need to present a united front when you are with other people. DH probably felt ganged up on by you and your mum.

Even if I thought my husband was wrong I wouldn't have said anything at the time.

If my mum chimed in I would have told her it was none of her concern.

DH has form for storming off if we have a disagreement

One person's storming off is another person's leaving the situation.

Do you disagree a lot?

About unimportant stuff?

I think you both need to apologise & start to count to ten before jumping in with criticisms!

You picked at him throughout dinner just for holding the baby, who, by your own admission, was happily settled in his arms. I don't understand the issue. You have form for it as you say you've done it before and been 'unnecessarily mean', which resulted in the same outcome of him storming off. Everyone takes their baby's for a wee with them at some point.
I understand his reaction. I'd have been pissed off too.

Exactly this!

You need to relax and let DH parent his child. I would feel the same as your DH if my partner and their parent behaved this way towards me. It's controlling behaviour and he must have felt very undermined by you, especially in front of others. Your DM chipping in to tell him off is just awful.

Sorry OP, but it’s both your child, and you both have an equal say in how to do things. I think you and your mum telling him off for taking the baby to the toilet was wrong.
I might have left the baby with someone else for my own comfort, but when I am on my own, I also took my baby with me to the toilet. That’s really not such a big deal to warrant a public telling off. You need to accept that you and your husband do things differently and respect him as an equal parent.

My ex husbands way of dealing with any problem was to send me to coventry for weeks and months on end and reject all pleas to go to counselling to sort it out.
The result... I was pretty nasty to him because I had reached the end of my tether and the marriage ended.
In my opinion its go to counselling or end the marriage. Both are behaving in a ridiculous way that is totally unproductive.
We cant sort it out by taking one side over another. That is also incredibly unproductive and just fuels the fire.

My goodness, your poor husband listening to you and your mum criticise everything he does with his own child. I think I’d have walked out as well.

And very few people, of either gender, have much time for Mummy control freaks being backed up by their own Mummies. 🙄

‘Admittedly I said something really mean

What did you say to him when you were out with your sister and he walked out?

I am spotting a pattern here. You see your family a lot and you/they think you can overrule him with regards to his child, he gets frustrated and removes himself from the situation and you call him ‘volatile’.

Maybe him leaving you and getting to see his baby 50/50 would be a good thing for HIM-at least nobody would be telling him what to do.

Yikes. You and your DM were both really out of order here.

I can understand slightly that you wanted the baby to sleep and would have preferred if DH wasn't holding him so he could sleep, but at the end of the day it wasn't the worst transgression and he hadn't seen the baby all day prior to that point so probably wanted to spend time with him.

Your DM comes off worse here as 1) it was none of her business how you and DH look after your child, and 2) she was out of order for telling him off. Taking the baby to the toilet is hardly a big deal. How do you think single parents manage? And to say it was really unhygienic and inappropriate was a massively OTT reaction.

I'm not surprised your DH left tbh. I think you need to loosen up a bit and accept that the baby is his too and you both have equal input in how the baby is brought up and looked after. At the moment it seems to be your way or nothing. And your DM absolutely needs to butt out and mind her own business.

Of course no women ever take babies into toilets to change them or anything…

He sounds like an immature dickhead.

However it's his baby too, let him parent him.

Sounds like its your way or the highway and rightly so, he took the highway and left.

You sound very controlling 😑