To feel totally deflated by DH volatile behaviour

[Embarrassedsad]

Had an awful end to a meal out tonight with my parents and DH, and feeling completely depressed about my marriage. DH stormed out of left pub, leaving me with our baby because he “would not be told off” after myself and DM said it was completely inappropriate and unhygienic that DH took baby with him to the loo as he was holding him. I think to leave was a massive overreaction and very disrespectful to my parents, who help us a lot with the baby.

For context, I had been on a day out with my parents, and DH met us from work for dinner. DC was tired so was grizzly, I asked DH several times to put DC in the pram to sleep (DH was holding baby and near pram, I was trapped in by the table) but DH refused saying DC was fine being held. (Baby is a poor sleeper and very needy at night so I don’t really want to encourage holding when asleep, although I admit I didn’t articulate this well in the context of using the pram). DH also wound me up doing other things with the baby despite me asking him to stop, eg upsetting DC by trying to clear nose when almost asleep, and interrupting conversation to point out DC was settled now in his arms (knowing I wanted DC to be asleep in the pram). I was visibly annoyed by DH being annoying and immature ignoring what I wanted and said it was on DH to look after baby then.

Anyway at end of meal DH, still holding baby, suddenly got up and disappeared (he muttered something but no one heard what DH said), turned out DH had gone to use the bathroom. When DH returned, both DM and I said it was completely inappropriate and not very hygienic, also unnecessary when other people could have held DC. DH said I had told him he would have to do that earlier in the meal, then got so annoyed “I will not be told off”, he gathered up his things and left, leaving me with DC and all our things (and me and DParents with unpaid bill!). The station I needed to use to get home has no lift and c.50 steps so couldn’t do this on my own, although when I called DH to ask wtf he was doing he did offer to wait at the station. DH later tried to justify leaving by saying I did the same at an occasion with his family which a) I didn’t and b) was seven years ago.

DH has form for storming off if we have a disagreement - he seems to really boil over and then take a long time to cool down. He last did this in front of other people a few months ago when out for food with my DSis when I was 6 weeks PP. Admittedly I said something unnecessarily mean on that occasion which I immediately apologised for, but DH still dramatically gathered up his stuff and left, again leaving me out and about at night with then tiny baby (he did not come back as we were a 20 min walk away with no steps).

DH and I have not been getting on particularly well as it is, but I am so embarrassed about the way DH doesn’t seem to care about making other people uncomfortable, and particularly by the storming off which I think is a very immature way to react. I’m also deflated by the way DH will bring up things that happened years ago, as it makes me feel like DH really resents me - but also what is the point of me ever trying to grow / change, if past transgressions will continue to be used by DH as a justification for his current behaviour?

I do not want to LTB because of losing access to DC for 50% of the time :(

Thanks for all your responses, I have read through them all and it gave me some things to think about especially re ensuring our families don’t get so involved and being a united front. I’ll try to reply to some of them individually to give more context but by way of an update, DH and I had a good, long positive chat this morning. I apologised for picking at him before that incident and also for not standing up when DM told him off. DH apologised for flouncing off (he did cause a scene before leaving) and not thinking about how we would get home. DH said he could tell from when he arrived that my parents had probably been making critical comments on my parenting all day (when I opened the door at 930am they commented on me still being in my pyjamas - because I’d been frantically cleaning - although baby was dressed) and he thinks the result was me being more anxious than usual about getting the baby down in the pram. Which was kind of him to acknowledge and is probably pretty accurate. Parents are definitely of the more old school approach and think we are too soft with the baby!

I do frequently tell DH he is a great dad, because he is - although he does have form for occasionally being a bit cavalier in his parenting approach (which he has acknowledged) which can make me a bit stressed as he doesn’t always listen to me when [I think] he is being careless. This has been an issue from very early on; he told me he was tired from my very long labour when we got home from hospital so I asked him to put the baby down, he wouldn’t and ended up falling asleep and dropping the baby so back to hospital we went (baby was fine obviously!). I suppose him taking the baby to the loo felt unnecessary and I was a bit triggered, there were other options (and yes it meant he couldn’t properly wash his hands) and I definitely was also influenced by my DM reaction. However I doubt DH would have made a big thing of continuing to hold the baby if I hadn’t been criticising him already. I also do take on board the feedback about being united in front of others and maybe raising somethjng calmly later if I felt strongly.

In the immediate term, whilst very grateful for their help so far, we are going to pay for some ad hoc childcare so we don’t need to rely on my parents as much (although I’m still on mat leave I have three deadlines due in the next month and I can’t work on them whilst looking after the baby). I’ve also said I would like to go to counselling to improve on our communication and move away from mudslinging / tit for tat behaviour.

Thank you also to those of you that have taken into account we are new parents trying to find our way whilst being very tired, we also have a lot of other stresses in our life atm which certainly aren’t helping!

Thank you @GoldDuster xxx

If he was on his own and needed to use the toilet then wouldn’t he have taken the baby in with him? What’s the difference now?

Thanks, he did lash out before storming off and said things he probably now regrets, but I do appreciate the perspective of making him uncomfortable and think that is very valuable so will bear that in mind in future

What a brilliant update @Embarrassedsad!

(A very genuine and non-condenscending) well done to both of you.

Unpicking the incident where your husband dropped your baby with the help of a counsellor is probably a very good idea. That's quite a major moment.

Yes I probably have and have asked if we can do some counselling so I can work on this

Yes agreed, thank you

Thank you

Why was your DM even getting involved It’s absolutely nothing to do with her. Really don’t blame your husband at all and if it would have been me I would’ve told your DM to keep her nose out. I think you’re being ridiculous anyway people take Babies to the toilets all the time and more to the fact he is also the father so he gets to say too.

It sounds like you've made progress. I agree with others that you are too critical and perhaps thats' exacerbated by your parents.

BUT.... storming out and leaving you to get home alone is not okay. Ever.

So it seems to me that you BOTH have to work on things here.

I also caught just a small throwaway comment about him being out all day, golf, pub etc.... and you're left with a tired baby. Was that a once off or a regular? Becuase if regular, that's a bigger issue.

Op it sounds like you are trying very hard to live up to impossible standards for your parents and by extension are then placing those impossible standards on your dh who is reacting to those because to him they aren't normal in the way they are to you, because you've been brought up around this negativity and criticism.

So you need to think about your relationship with your parents and how that affects you because it sounds like you are doing a good job and trying your best and your best should be good enough for them. Extended family can destroy a marriage if you let their opinions matter more than the needs of yourself and your immediate family. So there's maybe work you need to do unpicking that with your own counselling. I'm sorry they aren't more supportive.

I also imagine that your dh dropping the baby as a newborn was quite traumatic for both of you. You because of the loss of control and him because of the guilt of it. Did your dh do the pre- natal classes with you? So few men do but then it really shows when baby arrives and they don't see the risks around unsafe co sleeping etc. So I can understand why that's sitting on you.

It sounds like your conversation today was really constructive and positive and I think counselling sounds like a really good fit for you both.

Thank you @QuinqueremeofNiveneh

Yes we did get to we both have things to work on which is good I think.

I would say (though it deffo won’t have come across from this limited issue) I’m normally more relaxed, but in the past week DH has left the house early to exercise 6 times and been out past midnight twice in the past week, so it’s not really equal and I’m probably getting more frustrated - baby isn’t sleeping atm and I want to do anything to prevent being left alone with a grizzly baby for up to 17 hours. DH does take the baby from me for a couple of hours, but as I’m just writing assignments which are super stressful in that time it’s not really a break. Hopefully by paying for an ad hoc nanny instead it will be more clear for us both that in my ‘break’ I am really still working - plus I won’t be doing my assignments when I am tired.

He shouldn't have caused a scene. That said, you are the one with some issues here and you need to address them ASAP

Your parents, especially your mom, need to keep their mouths shut. Your husband does not want or need their input into his parenting. They are not co-parents here. He certainly doesn't need their criticism when he's being an involved parent, especially when they've got different parenting styles. They're setting up a really unhealthy dynamic of you and them vs your husband.

You are micromanaging his parenting and bossing him around. Your husband is an equal parent and there is absolutely nothing wrong with a dad holding his baby. He and baby need that bonding time. Your criticism and micromanaging has the potential to disrupt their bond, because he will likely get tired of you micromanaging everything he does and leave it all to you.

I get he dropped the baby when exhausted. But you guys did the right thing and got the baby medically checked out.

I haven't seen how old your baby is. But you seem very anxious about things he's doing and you might want to get screening for Post Partum Anxiety.

Counseling is a very good move. Open communication is key when you're trying to navigate a difficult period like settling in with first baby. That first year can be tough.

Hey OP. Things sound fairly frantic! Can your husband cut back a bit on the exercise? Friends I have known with this dynamic- the DH starts going out more to avoid the conflict etc and it just gets worse.

do you need to rush around cleaning? I mean we have had lots of v bit problems with small kids- serious illnesses, hospital admissions, job losses etc and one positive is we don’t sweat the small stuff as much. Things don’t have to be perfect.

I think most parents have held a baby whilst going to the loo. He’s been at work all day and probably just wants to spend some time with his child, but instead he’s finished work and came to meet your parents (in-laws are not necessarily a choice of company for many people) to be criticised and made to feel like his presence was an inconvenience and annoying and then MIL to then chime in which for what reason, non whatsoever. What did you want him to do. He is allowed to express his feelings and walking away to calm down is much better than yelling at you. He probably should tell your mom to F off though, she does seem to overstep not just with him but you to.

as a side note to parenting. There’s a reason there’s thousands of books & millions of social media posts giving advice, all in conflict with each other. The repercussions of doing this, the advantages of something else if one thing worked all other ways just wouldn’t exist. So your way doesn’t mean it’s better than his way, I struggled with this myself and now as I look at my 20 yo who wouldn’t be put down I wonder why I didn’t just buy a sling to attach her to me. Instead i preserved with crying out method that nearly broke me for her to only grow out of it anyway when she was at the age of being able to sit up and be more interactive with her surroundings. It didn’t condition her to anything, nor does it seemed to have traumatised her either.

all the studies show the importance of a 2 parent household and this is true not because of how tired a parent is and sharing of parenting load (which is laughable as moms carry the majority of parenting most the time) it’s to do with the differences. You have to have a united front on discipline & rules but he doesn’t have to parent in the exact same way you do. Dads are traditionally more cavalier. They less gentle & riskier and all that is important to a child’s development. A dad encourages more independence in kids than moms do Google it
now moms are traditionally more nurturing and safe. They need our calmness and emotional security. You dont have to parent in the exact same way. Your child will naturally adapt to the things they can do and expect of each parent

It's great that you've taken some comments on board @Embarrassedsad and your update sounds positive.

From your updates though I sense that you have a resentment growing in you that DH is sort of just getting on with his life (out exercising before work everyday, out late at night) and you're stuck in the throws of early motherhood. This is then causing you to nitpick really minor aspects of his parenting.

Does he do any night wakes with the baby? If not, he needs to start so you can catch up on some sleep. Also he doesn't need to be out at 6am every morning. Perhaps he could do every 2nd morning and give you and hour to sleep on or grab a shower before the day starts!

He’s a shit. Don’t let people here gaslight you about his poor behaviour in storming out whenever he’s miffed; the trolling has been out of control on MN the past few days. They just deliberately take whatever stance is opposite of the OP and then beat her into a pulp.

He’s leaving early for the gym and staying out until midnight, leaving you to do 100% of the parenting. When he is around he’s being defiant and petulant for no reason, picking arguments so he can storm off (and be absent again). In other words, trying to spend as much time away as possible and acting like a dickhead when he feels like he’s being forced to take part. He’s not adjusting well to parenthood and he needs one hell of a wake up call about his attitude and behaviour. If you let this become the norm then he will fight to the death of the relationship to keep it this way, with him leaving and doing what he wants instead of participating, because that suits him better.

I think he felt ganged up on, you and yours against him, things don't need to be always done your way, that's controlling behaviour, ok he probably shouldn't storm out but it's better than having an argument he knows he's not going to win, he's daddy, let him be

Let him be a dad. Sounds like he was trying but you couldn’t help wittering at him.

How refreshing to read such an honest and heartfelt response.

This is truly what MN is about for me. You had a hard time, asked for advice/support, you read it, took it and came up with your own solution and thats amazing and the sign of being great parents.

Unfortunately, I sort of expected this. So basically, you might well be being a bit critical, but it comes from the fact that you are being left with the baby alot, and any fall out as a result of poor sleeping/eating/routine is on you?

I remember MIL telling me that I should let toddler DS stay up late "jsut once" and rather tartly replying, "if he stays up, he'll be up 5 times in the night. If you are going to handle that, then I'm happy to let him stay up and enjoy this family event?!"

So there's also a bigger issue here which is that you ARE the default parent. The one who knows what the baby likes/needs/doesn't like. You're also the one dealing with any fall outs or set backs. And, on top of that, you're not getting any time to yourself between studying and looking after the baby, while he's getting loads?

You being critical still isn't really okay, but this is less obviously 50/50 blame. And I stand by his reaction and abandoning you and the baby at a restaurant is a nuclear option, made worse by the fact that it's not the first time he's done it.

Also, a big red flag for me is that arguably, his overall behaviour is worse than yours - he's not doing his share at home, he's leaving you to get home alone with the baby at night etc etc... and yet, this is being presented as a 50/50 at fault issue and, reading between the lines, it's a "yes, I shouldn't get so upset that I storm out but.... your criticism is relentless and i can't help it" which means he's not taking real responsibility for his poor behaviour but a) blaming you and b) pitching himself as the victim.

And that worries me.

Nope. This is on you. Why are you telling him off and criticising him in front of your parents and what's it got to do with your mum? You sound nit picky and controlling and id have walked out too.