DM laughed in my face at return to work/nursery transition

[Motherscanbefuppers]

Like many first time mums, I’ve found the transition back to work/DD starting nursery/constant bugs/sickness quite difficult. Started in January so 7 weeks in now and not getting any easier. We live 4 hours from DM and extended family - previously would visit once a month but haven’t made it up yet due to work/nursery transition etc. They keep saying how much they miss DD so travelled down tonight to see them.

First thing DM says to me (after arriving at 10pm) was “so you’ve had a rough few weeks since we last saw you eh?” WHILST LAUGHING. I replied, “yes, it’s been very tough with sickness etc, I’m not sure why you are laughing?”. DM then says “oh you thought you had it so easy with a baby (DD slept well etc), but now your trenches have come HAHAHAHA”.

Again, I replied “I never revelled in any woman going through the trenches, I don’t know why you are revelling in my misery now”.

For context, we have ZERO help on a day to day basis (until nursery last month), DH and I can never get even an hour to ourselves to have an adult conversation (which is fine, we chose to have DD who we love to bits) BUT my DM looks after my siblings’ children full time and whenever they want to go for dinner/nights out/weekends away. Obviously, they live closer but there’s nothing stopping DM visiting me (she will if there is a concert on where she can stay with me for free) but she has never done so since DD was born 15 months ago.

She expects me to bring DD to see her then laughs in my face when I walk through the door?! AIBU?

YABU - your DM is entitled to find your hardship a source of amusement

YANBU - your DM is a disgrace

I'm guessing you were a less than laid back baby, caught everything going at nursery and now the tables have turned she's finding it funny that your daughter is like you.

Not the least bit amusing for you at the moment but in a few years, you'll probably laugh too.

I didn't vote because I don't know enough to know if either is true....but I certainly wouldn't have tolerated it.

I wouldn’t be visiting for Mothering Sunday pit it that way…

People on Mumsnet would have everyone leaving their husband for snoring and going no contact with their family for making a clumsy joke 😂 absolutely insane advice as ever.
OP, I also live hours from both my daughters extended families so have no help, work 5 days in a stressful job and pay obscene nursery fees despite the fact she’s never bloody there because she’s always ill, so I’m saying this with kindness - I think you might need to lighten up a bit. This sounds exactly like the kind of slightly annoying comment my mum would make and I think you just have to laugh it off, unless there’s a backstory of her being unkind.

also - my daughter is a shocking sleeper but she’s very advanced in certain ways and I’ve probably been a bit of a smug twat about it at times. Just accept you were probably coming across as though you thought you’d got it easy and have a bit of a laugh at yourself. Life’s much more fun when you do.

It sounds mean. Definitely not what you needed to hear at the end of your long journey!

Why do you need to travel to her with your small baby, why doesn’t she make the effort to visit you? Long trips and small babies is not a good mix, to be avoided as much as possible.

Bit as several other posters asked, is she usually mean? Could it be a poor attempt at humour?

I am a softy, if you were my daughter and finding the transition hard, I would have loads of sympathy for you. And would be trying to make things easier for you.

This. ^

Although it would help to be briefed on how you normally get on with your mum @Motherscanbefuppers Is she often quite nasty? Or do you think it was badly executed 'banter?'

I had similar from people I thought were friends, and from several family members, including nasty barbed comments from an aunt, and a neighbour of my parents who were shocked I was still 'so fat' 4 months after my first DC was born. 'The breastfeeding should have burned all that fat off' said one acid tongued woman. 'You need to get that baby weight off soon or you'll always be a fatty.'

I also got a nasty comment from some woman I didn't know. I was on a work course, when my first DC was about 4 months old, and around 40 people were on it from 6 different companies. (We sat 8 to a table, all mixed up a bit.) Back in the 1990s we only had 14 weeks maternity leave so I had to go back to work when my first DC was 10 weeks old (went on maternity leave 4 weeks before she was born.)

One woman at my table from another company (who was around 28) said to me 'Jesus, you look rough, been on the booze?!' (I was a bit pale and tired, as my baby had kept me up half the night as she was teething.) I said 'my baby was up half the night, and I only got about 3 hours sleep.' She said 'so what, no-one asked you to have it! I get sick of moaning whingeing mums complaining about how TIRED they are, you chose to have it.'

I was like I said 'I'm not complaining, I just told you why I look a bit rough.'
'Oh any excuse to whinge' she said laughing out loud, then proceeded to say (loudly) 'we've got a whingeing mummy here folks, wants special treatment for popping a sprog out.' I was shocked. There was a slight rumble of people sort of laughing - a bit. There was so much hate and vitriol in her words. I left the room and went to the toilets and burst into tears. Afer 5 minutes someone came (from my works) said 'come on in Zov, they're starting!'

I went and sat at another table and didn't even make eye contact with this woman all day. She looked at me a number of times, and was like I thought 'don't look at me you nasty cunt. I'm not speaking to you, I don't even want to look at you.' I just ignored her all day. She asked one of my colleagues why I had moved, and she told her she had upset me with her comments. Then I was the unreasonable one as she slagged me off behind my back and told people I was pathetic.

I never figured out why she was so vile to me.

Some people! 🙄 I would NEVER say such things to anyone!

bet you’re fun at parties

Sounds like you need to put some boundaries in place for your toxic mother.

If she misses her grandchild, perhaps she can make the four hour journey to you.

Well done for standing up for yourself. She sounds awful sorry.

Oh dear, you are also in need of an English lesson. And have a very unsophisticated sense of humour.

I mean it’s not really such bizarre concept for mums to put out how you put them through the wringer and how it’s your turn. It’s not nice especially when you are dog tired. But it’s just part of the right of passage of adult child to parenthood.

theres isn’t really a correlation between this and not offering childcare. They’re 4 hours away it’s not realistic outside of merges or you going on holiday.

you can just let her know that digging the knife in when your struggling isn’t kind or helpful.

I agree with her! Just because you don't think she has a sense of humour, doesn't mean she doesn't have one!

Your relationship might be different to mine with my mum but if she said that I’d just reply ‘Wow what a completely nasty thing to say. Rein in the bitch’.

Hard one! Depends on your usual relationship/ sense of humour. My in-laws are the sort to tease and crack jokes - we’ve had a few rough weeks with our little boy and they will say things like this and how we should ask nursery for a refund as he’s never there. It sometimes annoys me a little (it’s not helpful and when you’re stressed it’s easy to hit a nerve) but I also they aren’t the tea and sympathy type so it’s not them being malicious!

And yet, I do have a sense of humour. Unlike you and most people on this thread who are so deeply offended by a mum’s clumsy comment, or in your case, by her use of a commonly used phrase. Mumsnet is truly - dare I say it - in the trenches.

I swear most boomers are entitled brats

Exactly this. It’s a fairly common parent Interaction.

You would actually say that to someone??

Wow!

Says more about you than anyone else.

Don't sound all that bad? What about your own child's stress and worry over their job and your ill, infant grandchild is remotely funny?

I wouldn't be making the effort and upsetting my baby's routine again OP, let your mum make the effort instead if she wants to see you.

@Zovchrist almighty… you should’ve complained to her company that’s vile

@IwishIcouldconfess

Did none of you grow up in families that took the pics out of each other, or have a husband who does, or colleagues??
How do you get through life being permanently offended. It must be so tiring.

A joke is only a joke if the recipient finds it funny. Otherwise its an insult.

In my experience the phrase "permanently offended" is used by the sort of people who love "banter" (properly known as bullying) and feel their right to railroad over other people's feelings always takes precedence over everyone else's.

There's plenty of pisstaking in my family but not when it hurts people. You should learn to tell the difference.

If my mum was being a complete bitch to me yes I would point out that she was being cruel and rude and dismissive of her own child. Why should I hold back when they haven’t? People soon stop treating you like shit when you refuse to accept said treatment.

I think it sounds like your tiredness and overwhelm has made you overly sensitive to some lighthearted comments.

“so you’ve had a rough few weeks since we last saw you eh?”

And that is classified as being a complete bitch?

Wow!

Why are you bothering to visit?! Don’t waste your time! Pisses me off when people don’t make the effort but expect you to - she sounds like a cow.

No but ‘you thought you had it SO easy with a baby Hahahha but now your trenches have come’ to an exhausted, stressed new mum is being a complete bitch yes.

If you don’t think so perhaps you need to look at the way you treat people in the full context of their situation… not me.