To think kids in blended families don’t have two homes

[StRidiculous]

In EOWE type scenarios where the vast majority of time is spent with one parent, I don’t think the children believe they have two homes at all.

Surely that depends on the setup. Ours definitely have one home because DH and I were both previously widowed. I'm not sure why you are here making blanket statements about how many homes kids feel they have - it's probably quite an individual thing.

My SD does as she has her own room here and absolutely everything she needs/wants. She doesn't bring anything between houses unless it's something she wants ie this weekend she took her new build-a-bear back to her mum's. She has her own clothes, toys, bike, ipad, you name it, she has it at ours as well as at mums.
This is her home, and she calls it as such.

You're being very specific in your scenario though. "Where kids live mainly in one home, they don't really have two homes, do they?"
Lots of people will have different set ups. I can think of one set of friends where the kids absolutely have two homes because that's what works for them.

Surely the point is that they should feel like they have 2 homes. They should be able to feel welcome in either home at any time. They should have beds and possessions in both homes. A key to get in if they are old enough etc. They shouldn't be living out of a suitcase EOW.

I think that totally depends on who the children live with. It also has nothing to do with blended families surely, it’s about children whose parents are not together.

I lived with my mum growing up. Literally never spent a night at my dad’s after they divorced. He would visit during the day, but never had overnights with him ever. My home was my mum’s house. My dad’s house was my dad’s house, but not mine. In contrast, I have friends whose dc live one week on and one week off with each parent. I would imagine their dad’s house seems as much like home as their mum’s.

My SC have rooms in our house, and everything they want or need: bikes, wellies, toys, clothes. They don’t live out of suitcases.

They still refer to their mum’s house as home, and ours as Dad’s house.

Maybe dad isn’t parenting enough

I agree that if it's EOWE and not something like week on week off, then it will feel like they have one home.

I would also say other issues make the kids feel like that in some situations though.

Depends on circumstances.

Did mum stay in the family home? Does she have the kids more than 50% of the time?

I bought my exh out and our kids go to his EOW, share a bed there and live out of a suitcase whilst there basically. They definitely don’t view it as a second home

No to the family home, but yes to her having far more than 50% of the time.

I don’t think there’s anything we could do, buy or provide that’d make SC feel our house is their home when they’re only here EOWE and half the holidays.

Mine did 50/50 (one of my biggest regrets) and it made me so sad that they had "mum's house" and "dad's house" rather than just "home". They all live with me now and it feels much more settled.

“Home” is a feeling, isn’t it?

I still called my parents’ house “home” after 10 years of marriage and having not lived there for 20 years!

I would always confuse my dh by saying, “I think I’ll pop home next weekend and see how mum is getting on”.

I reckon you can have more than one home quite easily.

I would imagine most kids would call their mum's home their home if they only see dad every other weekend. If the parents share care 50/50 they probably feel like they have two homes.

Yes, that’s the whole premise of my post!

I don’t think it benefits anyone to pretend my SC have two homes. They know the truth and so does everyone else.

I don't think it's surprising that children would associate 'home' with the place they spend the most time. So in EOWE scenarios it would be the home of the non-EOWE parent, they one they were with most of the time. Even if the set up in the EOWE home is comfortable, it will
still be a 'second' home. It's easier if the EOWE parent lives locally and the children can play with their usual friends, do their usual weekend clubs etc to keep up their home routine, but the infrequent nature of the stays makes it less likely to be thought of as home.

It's an interesting question though, OP. In 50/50 custody scenarios, do children feel like they have two rooted homes, one home and one place they visit as a guest, or do they feel like a guest in both houses?

(Obviously individual experiences will vary, parenting input will vary, housing set ups will vary, and children's experiences will vary)

My SD's used to say that they had 3 homes before me and their Dad married

Mum's
Dad's
Mine

They had clothes etc at all 3 homes

SD used to spend 40% of the time with us and had her own room, so it was definitely as much "home" as her Mum's imo. Now we live far away and she is only with us for holidays and odd weekends, so her "room" is also DH's office and also the guest room when other people stay over. However, it is her home in that she could come at any time, stay as long as she wanted and if she ever said she wanted to move in full time that room would be cleared out and turned into her room.

I know what you're saying but I do think it's important to represent your house as a home to your step-children.

Why so little time with them @StRidiculous

Not necessarily. I share care of 7yo DD 50/50 with my exH, and she still thinks of my house as home. Neither her dad or I have new partners. She has a lovely bedroom, plus loads of toys and clothes at her Dad's, but she's told me she doesn't see it as home. Both DD and I hate the 50/50 arrangement. The only person who benefits from it is her Dad.

We always have, but these days, are just met with raised eyebrows.

Their mum went through a phase of calling me their ‘second mum,’ because she was calling her boyfriend their ‘second dad.’ They clearly didn’t believe any of that either.

I think all the two homes, second mum and dad stuff is just to make the adults involved feel better.

Because that’s what was agreed before I met any of them, and what SC want, because they’re accustomed to it.

If I were to split from DH now I’d want majority custody of our kids too.

I disagree with you saying it doesn’t benefit them to believe your home is their home also- the things you say they have in your home- as long as you’re both there for them then they should be happy to call it their home too- they have loving adults and everything they need to feel at home.

I regularly stayed with my grandparents as a child, had loads of stuff there and felt loved.

It wasn’t my home.

I agree OP I have never known of anyone outside of Mumsnet to think the kids have two homes, it’s always home and Dads house.