To go on the jab for my 7 year old

[Wheredidallthetimego]

My Dd turns 8 in the summer. She’s very sweet, but has recently stopped wanting to hold my hand when we’re out and says she feels like she feels embarrassed by me and that she feels like i’m fat but i’m not. She says this quietly and says sorry afterwards. It makes me feel really shit, but I don’t let her know/see this. I have talked to her lots about how it doesn’t matter what a person looks like, but it’s how they are/what’s inside that counts etc, but she still seems to focus on looks a little. The other day she said it was embarrassing as I was wearing ballet flat’s with jeans and how why don’t I want to wear dresses in summer etc.
I’m a size 16-18 and wasn’t back in the day and know I need to lose weight. I would like to do it for myself first and foremost, but this idea that she could be embarrassed/ashamed of me just cuts through me 😔
She was never like this before or even noticed how I looked, is this normal at her age?

If your BMI is over 30 and you can’t lose the weight with dieting alone then yes I’d consider the injections if you afford it. More because you want to be healthy for your children than because of looks.

I would want to know where this is coming from.

Has another child said something to her about your appearance?

It’s not over 30

No, I definitely wouldn’t have thought so

I suppose she’s maybe just starting to notice/pay attention to appearance? She says she’s sorry but she feels like i’m a bit fat. I have said, well maybe I am and that it should make no difference how I or anyone looks and we all have different bodies etc

I think there are issues that you need to deal with around your DD and the way that women/girls are discussed and treated due to weight and appearance. Her deciding that you can't wear jeans and ballet flats, and should be wearing a dress, is a bit odd and I'd want to unpack where on earth all these ideas were coming from. I would also be very robust about people wearing what they choose, and not what other people think they should. Especially if those ideas about what's "appropriate" are sexist.

Deciding to start taking a prescription medication for obesity is not a decision that needs the opinions of a 7 year old factored into that decision making process.

You’re not even that fat. It won’t change how your DD feels. You need to get to the bottom of it.

Why’s she so interested in what people look like and what they’re wearing? She’s 7 years old. Does she hear adults around her mentioning people’s size or clothing? I’ve got a similar aged daughter and I can’t imagine her thinking any of this never mind her saying it out loud.

I would be quite firm about this. We do not withhold our affection or association with people based on appearance. She might be coming to the age where holding hands is a bit embarrassing but someone's weight should never be embarrassing. I am sorry OP, that's very hurtful.

No you shouldn’t have medical treatment because of the opinions of your small child.

You do need to get to the bottom of things though - I’d be very surprised if either of my kids ever mentioned my weight or physical appearance at age 8 and I’d want to know where it was coming from and what they’d been watching on screens or heard from other people. It’s normal for some kids that age not to want to hold your hand but because they don’t want to be babied not because you’re wearing ballet flats with jeans!

Forget the jabs. Your priority is what you are doing about your child's disgusting attitude. She needs educating and disciplining. Going on the jabs is almost an acceptance and validation of her opinions.

Thanks everyone,

She absolutely has no negative discussion or even discussion at home about appearance etc, it’s very strange to me too. I am very unconcerned with appearance, barely wear make up these days, don’t discuss appearance
The only thing she’s ever seen, which i’m not keen on, is something high on kids Netflix-can’t remember the name, but it’s awful-all looks based, she rarely watches it and it’s aimed at young girls, can’t see her being that influenced by it

I think your priority is not to go on jabs or change your outfits but to talk firmly to your child about her attitudes. She needs to know that it is not acceptable to criticise someone’s appearance or clothing choices even if she adds ‘sorry’ at the end. She needs to know that the important aspects of a person are how kind they are, how much of a good mum/friend etc and nothing to do with their outward appearance. I would nip this in the bud now op, otherwise she’s going to grow up being extremely judgemental of others and it will cost her friendships

Why are you letting her watch something awful?

As above, I’ve told her this endlessly, it’s a recent thing and surprising to me too

I think it's more important for you to try and understand why your daughter is focusing on your weight.
Girls of that age can be cruel have they been talking about people being overweight? Is there someone in her class who is overweight and they have been talking about it
You need to get to the bottom of that as her focus on appearances is not healthy

Around 7 one of my kids stopped holding my hand but it was because they didn’t want to be seen holding their mammy’s hand. My other child still takes my hand the odd time age 11. Either way I’m always more worried about kids who care about what other children think because they’re the ones who are more likely to find life harder trying to be something they’re not. Lose weight for yourself if you want but also I’d keep talking to her about why she cares, hurt feelings, what matters etc . And remember they’re kids, they say stuff, awful stuff, and it might just be that one moment in time, she may never give it another thought

My DD went through a similar phase at a similar age - it seemed to be linked to her learning that people can be insulted/words can upset people and then going through a sort of “testing phase” at home with us to see what was ok to say and what wasn’t if that makes sense?
Somewhere along the line she’s picked up the association that these things are hurtful to say and she’s testing to see if it’s true.
I think you are handling it in right way but perhaps you could add in explicitly that some people might be upset by those words and that it’s rude to say them

She has seen it a couple of times with her friend, lots of girls watch it and have the dolls etc, she doesn’t and has rarely seen it. I’m grasping at straws really as can’t think where else she has got it from

You've told her but have you taken any actions in terms of discipline? Her attitude is vile, she cannot be allowed to grow up thinking this ok. If talking it through is not working, there needs to be repercussions.

I’m on the jabs, so not anti-jab. My BMI was much higher than yours. I did not go on the Jabs for anyone rise, it was for myself. It’s not an easy fix, I’ve had sone unpleasant side effects.

Where is a 7 year old getting such a negative view of body shape from? It’s not coming out of thin air (unintended pun). We aren’t born thinking fat is bad. I would be challenging the dangerous stereo-types she’s starting to believe.

Yes I’ve told her it’s not kind to say, but I’ve mainly focused on one type of body not being better than another and we all come in different shapes and sizes

I second this.

The biggest issue here is you need to find out where this is coming from and you have to help her learn that this isn’t the way.

Books and just talking would be the best way. She’s only little and she’s just saying it how she sees it. You’ll have to guide her out of that mindset, otherwise she’ll look at everyone that way, including herself.

Children are so clever, just speak to her how it will make sense to her. When my children have had an issue I’ve spoken to their teachers and asked if they could discuss it in PSHE. When they see their peers engaging and having the same concerns/questions, it makes everything easier for them to process.

You really care and love your daughter. But you shouldn’t use WLI if you don’t want to - that’s exactly the message you don’t want to give your daughter.

Not at all normal for an 8 yo to be embarrassed by a parent's weight or choice of outfits. She's got this from somewhere so you need to address it. Maybe friends or friends parent's?

I remember my DD having friends whose parents had a very different outlook to my own - either super obsessed with looks and appearances or very judgemental. You need to address it.

She’s not vile, she’s 7 and clearly feels bad/sad when she’s saying it