To go on the jab for my 7 year old

[Wheredidallthetimego]

My Dd turns 8 in the summer. She’s very sweet, but has recently stopped wanting to hold my hand when we’re out and says she feels like she feels embarrassed by me and that she feels like i’m fat but i’m not. She says this quietly and says sorry afterwards. It makes me feel really shit, but I don’t let her know/see this. I have talked to her lots about how it doesn’t matter what a person looks like, but it’s how they are/what’s inside that counts etc, but she still seems to focus on looks a little. The other day she said it was embarrassing as I was wearing ballet flat’s with jeans and how why don’t I want to wear dresses in summer etc.
I’m a size 16-18 and wasn’t back in the day and know I need to lose weight. I would like to do it for myself first and foremost, but this idea that she could be embarrassed/ashamed of me just cuts through me 😔
She was never like this before or even noticed how I looked, is this normal at her age?

Your problem is right there, in your own words....but believe me, she will be influenced by that, and other crap she, and probably 99% of her friends watch online. Obsession with looks.
It's a form of bloody brain washing in kids.

I suspect she’s heard this said somewhere, not necessarily about you, but she’s heard fat used as an insult and in her little mind she’s thinking that’s my mum,people will see I’ve a fat mum.

and if you’re short and say an 18 yes you could look fat, but say tall and a 16 then less so,

only lose weight for yourself, and your health.

It’s yiu who is being vile, not this child.

It was around this age (for my daughter) that I went from a bit overweight to morbidly obese and we never went through this.

It sounds like this could be coming from other kids at school/similar if not at home.

I think it would be wrong to assume not articulating it means it wasn’t happening not all children articulate what is on their minds, children this age do now recognise the issues associated with obesity in terms of health and most if at school will have seen fat used as an insult.

It's normal for kids to be embarrassed by their parents. Nothing you can do will change it.

But she's being quite unpleasant to you, she needs to see that words can hurt before she says it to the wrong person who isn't so accommodating.

If you want to lose weight then lose weight. Don't do it for her, she still won't think you're cool mammy like she used to.

Next time tell her that there will be punishments if she ever calls you names again and you're not tolerating it. You'll be doing her a favour.

Do you think someone could have said something at school? It happened to my DD at a similar age that’s all, her friends said I was fat. I was heavily pregnant fwiw but they’re kids and hadn’t recognised that… Kids can be totally savage at that age.

Either way, I wouldn’t lose weight because your 7 year old wants you to but you could use it as a catalyst for change if you want it.

at 7?! I don't think that's normal.

Are you maybe responding to the wrong thread or misunderstood? She didn’t call her names, at no stage has the op said she called her names, she said she was fat, which she is likely to be. That’s not calling someone a name. It maybe hurtful as people don’t like it pointed out bit it’s not calling names, calling names is you’re a cow a bitch whatever, not saying your fat I’m sorry when someone actually is.

it also is far from the norm for a seven year old to be embarassed by their parents. It’s usually quite extreme when this happens at this age.

so something has happened here, either another kid at school has said her mum is fat or she’s heard it said and doesn’t want the same treatment.

my daughter was much older, about 11 when the girls started talking about the mums appearance, their clothes, their appearance, who was the prettiest, the best clothes, the coolest. Little girls do notice these things, kids can be brutal, and as much as they may not articulate it at home, anyone thinking it means it doesn’t happen is very naive indeed.

Kids know when your words are meaningless. This is empty, because you clearly don't believe it as you're considering taking prescription medication for which you don't qualify (so would have to obtain by lying about your health) in order to change your body.

I am on Mounjaro and I had a BMI of 42. My kids were not embarrassed to be seen with me. One commented the other day that he can see I've lost a lot of weight but that he'd never thought of me as fat (I absolutely was!). So I would be concerned about the messaging this girl is receiving about women's bodies and appearance.

This is praying on my mind, surely you are not saying if she tells you you’re fat again punish her? That would need to be down there with the worst parenting advice ever witnessed.

understanding, through gentle talking, what’s causing this, what’s worrying her, and why, and then dealing with those concerns in an open and age appropriate manner is the way forward, not if you tell me I’m fat again I’m going to punish you.

That’s unusual to be fair, most people in this size range are over 3o, have you worked it out correctly. If so, then I’d assume it’s lack of muscle tone?

I thought you were going to say for health reasons so you can live longer and do more active/playful things with her!

No harm in loosing a few pounds anyway but I wouldn’t let this be the big reason

I would go quite a bit further than that, she needs to see the consequences of bad behaviour, which is what this is.

You say she feels bad saying it so she knows what she is saying ischurtful, challenge her (firmly but age appropriate) as to why she is saying it, tell her you are disappointed in her, where did she hear this to think it is ok to say that to anyone, and you expect her to be kinder than that to her classmates and teachers and if she knows something is wrong stand up for what is right.

She can talk to you if someone else is saying these things if she doesn’t know how to handle, but it is not acceptable for to say to others.

Absolutely give them a try. They are life changing.

I don’t think she does and I’m always surprised by the rush to punish some people love on here, a parenting website, I suspect this is about the horror of being told you’re fat versus what’s best to manage with the child.

And punishing them doesn’t stop them thinking it, all that’s happen is you punish them for the truth as you don’t like to hear it, it’s a shit way to manage it.

People’s reaction to the word fat is really interesting.

youre fat, you know you’re fat, everyone who can see you knows your fat. Including your child. But to actually say it factually is seen as one of the most hurtful things, and even from a child it’s rush to punish for some people, she’s not telling strangers, she’s telling her own mum. And she’s doing it in a way where she’s indicating she’s embarrassed and uncomfortable her mother is fat, she’s not saying eugh, she’s not expressing disgust,she’s not calling her names, she’s a small child expressing embarrassment and discomfort.

and instead of wanting to understand that, from a seven year old some posters reaction is punish her. Punish her hard.

its shocking if you think about it. How visceral the reaction is on being told we are fat, when in fact we are fat, and it is clearly visible to everyone.

edit to add this isn’t aimed at op, and the words you are, means one is.

But this doesn't make sense. She's not said "you're fat" a matter of fact way. She has said "you're fat and that is why I don't want to be seen holding your hand". That is hurtful and displays a potentially damaging mindset that needs addressing. And personally I'd be firm about it and leave no room for doubt that it is hurtful and wrong. And punishment might then actually be appropriate if she persists in the same way it'd be appropriate if she was persisting in saying anything else she knew was rude, though I don't particularly enjoy punitive parenting.

You could potentially then have a more nuanced conversation about healthy eating and how you are going to both look after yourselves but it's still a bit presumptuous for a 7yo to be lecturing an adult about this and she needs to know that (in fact I imagine she does).

In fact I think it's rather more shocking that you think a small child being "embarrassed and uncomfortable" about their mum being fat is normal. Of course it's visceral, being told you're shameful by your own child. Why wouldn't it be?

Who is filling your child’s head with these ideas?!

My youngest is 8. He has absolutely no idea about fat being shameful and would never comment on someone’s weight. I’m a size 16 btw. My 13 year old does know what society would deem an ideal weight, but she would never ever say anything to comment on someone’s body composition. She knows it’s not polite.

Someone is talking this way to her about her body or about yours, which is totally inappropriate. I’d be nipping that crap right in the bud.

Honestly, I wouldn't hide that this is upsetting. I dont mean guilt trip her and dramatically fall apart, but let her know that this hurts your feelings. It's difficult to teach empathy without people having to learn the consequences of being mean.

My DD is 9 and just starting to notice or comment on people's physique. Usually it's neutral, but I've noticed increasing judgement and we've had discussions about this too. It's certainly not the influence of anythibg she sees or hears at home, but kids are socialising and getting different perspectives and ideas from their peers.

You cannot punish someone out of their feelings. You can only punish them into silence.

As unpleasant as it is to hear, she isn’t saying it to be hurtful. It sounds like it’s something she’s struggling with, and distressed by. Where has it come from? I would guess from the playground tbh. She’s probably been/ is being teased about 1, holding hands, and 2, having a fat mother. It may be something she’s regularly dealing with, and what she’s said to you is her 7 year old way of trying to make it stop.

She’s not ‘vile’, she’s a kid struggling with her feelings and trying to navigate the world. A misstep is not the same thing as malice.

That isn’t true. It depends on body shape and also height. I’m a fairly tall woman, hourglass shape and at my heaviest my BMI was very nearly 40, I was almost 18 stone. Still only a size 20 at my biggest though. For some people at 18 stone they would be a size 26.

My guess is that another child in her class has commented on you. Just being nasty. If this is the case, she’s not really embarrassed of you, she’s embarrassed others are saying things and it’s her job to stand-up for you. She doesn’t want to be in this situation at all, so is telling you to sort it out.

BTW my mum was morbidly obese, don’t think I even noticed until my teens. No one was cruel enough to comment but had they, I would have been mortified. My teen years, I suppose I was embarrassed. By adulthood I just had to suck it up and keep telling her others opinions of her didn’t matter when she was down about it and that yes, we should do that beach holiday etc…

If you can, try see it from your child’s point of view.

BTW, I love ballet pumps, but I was told 2 years ago by my DD that I was massively embarrassing still wearing tight jeans and pumps. It’s Wide leg jeans, or even bell bottoms now.