To go on the jab for my 7 year old

[Wheredidallthetimego]

My Dd turns 8 in the summer. She’s very sweet, but has recently stopped wanting to hold my hand when we’re out and says she feels like she feels embarrassed by me and that she feels like i’m fat but i’m not. She says this quietly and says sorry afterwards. It makes me feel really shit, but I don’t let her know/see this. I have talked to her lots about how it doesn’t matter what a person looks like, but it’s how they are/what’s inside that counts etc, but she still seems to focus on looks a little. The other day she said it was embarrassing as I was wearing ballet flat’s with jeans and how why don’t I want to wear dresses in summer etc.
I’m a size 16-18 and wasn’t back in the day and know I need to lose weight. I would like to do it for myself first and foremost, but this idea that she could be embarrassed/ashamed of me just cuts through me 😔
She was never like this before or even noticed how I looked, is this normal at her age?

People should only ever lose weight because they want to, or for health reasons.

Not because of what a partner or child thinks.

You could lose weight, but then what are you going to do when she finds something else to criticise? This rude behaviour needs addressing now. No loving caring mother deserves to be treated like this.

Oh give over with the hyperbole.

It is never a small child’s job to stand up for a parent.

Do you need to go on the jab? Is your bmi over 30? If it's not you'll struggle to get it from a reputable prescriber.

Do you have food noise/comfort eat/ struggle to lose weight/finish the kids' dinner or are you just too busy being a mum etc to stick to a sustainable way of eating that would enable you to lose weight?

The jab can be fantastic -I'm on it, so I have nothing against it, but it does costs a lot and present some risks and side effects so there's a calculation to be made.

If you've never tried to lose weight before you could try adopting a better way of eating (not dieting!!) before resorting to the jab. On the other hand, if you're a serial failed dieter with ever-present food noise the jab could be just what you need.

I'd come down quite hard on her for talking about you like that. You need to let her know that's it's unacceptable and poor manners.

Whether you want to lose weight or not is a separate issue but I wouldn't be influenced by a child's remarks on my body.

Wow how incredibly hurtful. I think I'd share how disappointed I am that she would judge by appearance and I thought I'd done a better job as her Mummy to raise a kind child. I really would show her my hurt and disappointment
There are plenty of educational support (videos etc..) aimed at much younger children teaching them not comment on someone's appearance..with song and rhymes. Sad that they should be necessary. I always think loving someone means you don't really judge appearance and when you've been away and see them afresh you notice how they look for an instant because it's generally so irrelevant to your feelings for a loved one. You see how you feel about them not their looks, that's love to me.
I'd be cut to the quick with this OP 💐💐💐 sorry

30 second rule ...basic kindness stuff

You’re not being unreasonable to take the jab. But your daughter is saying very very abnormal things for an 8yr old. I’d be wanting to get to the bottom of that. As a comparison my 10yr old bangs on about how no-one should be judged if I’m the slightest bit judgy! Schools go heavy on that these days, so what’s really going on with her?

But why make it about you, why not make it about her, understanding what’s caused her discomfort and embarrassment. Try to help her.

i think this is because it’s weight and the word that can’t be spoken, fat. No matter how true it is, it’s seen as the ultimate insult to actually say it.

donf do this op, that’s about centering you, guilt tripping her and being cruel as a punishment, far better to actually parent and understand what’s caused this, to help her, and take the personal emotion about the fact she knows you’re fat out of it,

Mine became embarrassed at drop-off about some of my more hippyish outfits. She would check me out and tell me to stand behind a bush. She was probably 9 or 10. I was a bit hurt and let her know that but lightly, not shaming her, and then made a joke out of it. What I didn’t do was change the way I dress. She grew out of it. I think other kids start to notice and say judgey things and that’s where it comes from.

Id thank her for telling you what is worrying her and take it from there.

Id be reminding her if the 'rule' that it is only ok to comment, kindly, on someone's appearance if it can be changed in 30 seconds. Smudge on your nose? Ok. Forgot to comb hair? Ok. Ballet pumps not great - possibly, if you know the other person has other shoes nearby. Weight, nope. Hair colour, nope. Choice of outfit, when there is no other option, nope.

But Id be saying that not everyone knows that rule, and some people can be really unkind/rude. I'm surprised and pleased at @Bearsdolovetrees daughter, and others on this thread, whose dds are so positive. Not every class is like that. Id be saying to your dd that people who notice and comment on others appearance are going to miss out on a lot of friends and a lot of fun in future, cause they are too busy looking at the outside, and judging others, rather than celebrating the fact that we are all different . . .

She hasn’t been teased it or told it, Ive asked, the kids have barely seen me and are v sweet

They’re back in, I don’t wear skinny jeans etc, she was saying it as doesn’t understand and thinks a ballet pump should be with a pretty dress and jeans with trainers or boots etc

I think it IS helping her understand the impact of her words

Who else should be centred but the person hurt? If possible, then some education to the person who caused the hurt …for which I shared the 30 second rule for comments about others

I agree. I don't really understand what that other poster is getting at other than doubling down on her point of view that "fat" is the ultimate taboo. It is rude and hurtful to act embarrassed of your parent because of their appearance. This is true whether it's about fat, a skin complaint or anything else and a child needs to know the impact of their hurtful comment and shown another way to view the world.

I also don't think it's massively important where they're getting their influence from. It'll be some kid at school, you can't do much about that ultimately. All you can do is instill strong values and a sense of self worth in your own child so they aren't so easily influenced when they're older.

She may not be vile in general but this particular attitude is vile. She clearly doesn't feel truly sad/bad otherwise this would not be an ongoing problem. You need to find a way to change her not you.

What are you doing about it?

I embarrassed my DC because I talked posh apparently.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but are you being truly honest/checking it correctly.... Only because I was slightly in denial as a size 14/16 and when i weighed and checked my bmi was 32 (I am short which doesn't help me!) I've done dieting alone and the jab for the last stone and my bmi is still 26 which is technically overweight, but I'm a size 10/12 and much more comfortable in myself.
I think it's not necessarily about losing weight for her embarrassed type comments, because kids will find something embarrassing about parents (I remember my best f having a gorgeous mum, and she would regularly say she was embarrassing for "trying to look good, it's desperate" so you can't win). It was more for me wanting to do everything with them as they got more adventurous, we've been mountaineering, sea swimming, husky driving, fell climbing, I'd not have felt confident (and the husky weight limit was 85kg) to do those things at my old size.
Do what works for you, see and feel your own goal (running and exploring with my kids as they became teenagers was mine) and take any steps you want to. It's all very much personal choice.

Could it be because it makes her feel different? I only ask because my 7 yr old has on a few occasions expressed embarrassment of me (very upset when I volunteered for the school trip) and other family members. What it all boils down to is being seen as different, in our situation I speak English to her, (in a non-English speaking country) and she hated how that made her stand out. We’ve worked on it and she’s much better now but she just doesn’t like to appear different and she hates other children asking her questions about it even when they’re doing it out of interest not nastiness. My other DC loves to stand out and in the exact same scenario loves having a mum who speaks a different language.

It makes me feel really shit, but I don’t let her know/see this.

I would start off by letting her know and see that her words are hurtful. She needs to understand that it is unacceptable and rude to comment on people’s appearance in this way.

It would be unreasonable to take the jabs based on the opinions of your DD, if you wanted the jabs because you wanted to lose weight using them then that would be fine but it should only ever be because it's something you want not to please anyone else. I personally would be focusing on her attitude as thats what needs to change.

Same!

Yes, my bmi is 28