To think FIL was BU to leave children to go to end of street?

[smallholdingdreams]

Hi,

DH and I were working from home today and were out for a couple of hours on appointments.

FIL was at our house looking after DC, one just turned 3 a couple of weeks ago and the other is 5. 5 year old on waiting list for assessment for suspected ADHD and can have frequent angry outbursts resulting in hitting/kicking/throwing things/pushing 3 year old, so you can’t really leave them alone and incidents can happen very fast.

Realised later on that FIL locked them in the house to walk to the end of the street, where he was parked, to get a bag of tumble dried bedding from his car, something not necessary and could definitely have waited until we were back. My 5 year old can unlock the front door from the inside.

I know back in ‘our day’ parents used to do all sorts so it’s not the most horrific thing in the world but I still feel quite annoyed, given how fast my 5 year old can turn, that it only takes mere seconds for something to happen. DH thinks it’s fine and we don’t need to mention it.

That's ridiculous and insulting. I'm one of the despised boomers and I've brought up 4 children who've all reached adulthood in one piece. I've looked after all 4 of my grandchildren over the years, during school holidays and done school pickups. The youngest is 17 now and the eldest is 29...still all fully functioning humans !

My fil was a boomer and left my 9 year old stepson at a shop expecting him to walk home and he got lost

The assumption that the more free range way of child rearing from the past is 'worse' than the current trend for over structuring, entertaining and supervising every minute of play should be open to debate, not stated as fact.

The lack of free play, time outdoors, mixing with a variety of ages, den building, tree climbing, bike riding etc may mean that children have less cuts, grazes and bruises these days but it does not mean they haven't got some pretty negative impacts too.

Parents who insist that their children are never, ever without the scrutiny of a responsible adult 24/7 may feel that they are doing a better and safer job that those they consider neglectful or risky but actually it is nothing like as definite as that.

I'm a gen x and 100% capable of looking after my two young grandkids 4 days a week. We're not all senile so jog off with the ageist shit.

I think you can have a happy balance. I had a huge back yard that was fenced so no-one was going to escape, lots of trees and opportunities to explore and play. My children from very young could come and go fairly freely in this space. As far as they were concerned, they were moving freely and not supervised - but I could always see them from the house.

So YOU are the one who has the issue abut it but you want DH to deal with it.
If it means that much to you, use your words. If you are just nit picking, find alternative childcare.

Unfortunately it really was a bit Lord of the Flies some days.

In the early lock downs employers were retaining high expectations of professional work standards. It was very much expected that your dc didn't appear on camera and that they didn't interrupt meetings or be heard. I had to do presentations and meetings with the door shut and not react even when I could hear the dc playing on the driveway or when one slipped on the stairs.

It was the most stressful time of my life and I felt pulled in 2. Not in any way suggesting it was a good idea but using it to point out that there were many if us in that situation and it was very much expected that you ignored your dc.

Luckily wfh is now so normal and much more accepting of real life. A good thing to come out of covid I think.

Absolutely. And if you can create that environment then that is an ideal solution. We have a new build garden unfortunately..

But many posters on this thread are stating that not directly and continuously supervising children is unequivocally a bad thing.

I disagree.

That does sound very stressful. I'd have hoped employers would be a bit more accommodating in the situation. I'm glad it's got easier.

Children do certainly need freedom from adult interference, to exercise their imagination, explore, learn, develop motor skills, problem solving, etc. Important for their confidence and self esteem too.

I would say my children were always supervised, but that includes times they were passively supervised (I was aware and available should redirection be necessary or anything happen, but they felt completely free). Luckily there were never any major injuries, which isn't too bad considering they had a carpentry table and all. lol

I think you’re being deliberately vague about how long they were left for. Would he have been there and back in under 5 minutes? What does he do if he needs the toilet?

If it was less than 3 minutes and he locked the door securely then I think it’s ok…

Would be interesting to know what steps OP takes to stop her eldest hurting the young one, is he locked away at night in case he wakes or does he only hurt during the day? How on earth does she manage to work from home, cook, shower, do chores whilst having her eyes firmly on him 86,400 seconds a day ? Answer is she can't have her eyes on him constantly, she too will have minutes where she isn't stood over him. Life has to happen and it really doesn't make any difference if you are 100 or 2 footsteps away.

OP is probably 'one of those mothers' who allows her children to go with her to the toilet, shower etc.

You do need some sort of bolt on the front door anyway…

There were undoubtedly questionable practices from the past; sending children into mills and mines, even good old ‘playing out’ from my childhood is quite honestly littered with some dangerous memories of pervy men and traffic and even other kids.

But. Leaving a three year old and a five year old for a couple of minutes is not one of these questionable practices!

She described in (don't remember the exact words) as capable of going from zero to 100 in terms of being able to turn and hurt his brother. She knows her kids so I'm sure OP must have a plan to protect the little one. I'm sure it's very stressful to manage.

Yes I agree with this, they might've been watching TV/asleep even. It's very difficult to literally watch kids 24/7. Maybe next time say by the way please can you not let them out of your sight etc. but I wouldn't mention the specifics about what he did or he might not want to help you out again. It could be the same as going to the toilet or hanging the washing up etc.

I grew up in the 80’s on a council estate and had adequate supervision. Sounds like your parents are the problem not a whole generation.

Agree my parents are in their 70s and they are actually nearly over vigilant looking after my kid

This.
Talk to him, ask him not to do it again. If he argues or gives any indication he's not going to listen to you, then don't have him back.

But I don't understand all the scorched earth replies before talking to the fil.

Your main problem is your DH who's not taking your concerns seriously or supporting you.

She probably had crap parents
Not all were like hers

I used to have to take my son with me until at least 5, looking at my 4 yr old daughter seems ridiculous but they are all different. If I'd only ever had my daughter I'd think it was being ott too and when I'd only had my son I thought those leaving 4 yr olds unattended were wildly neglectful

Can't speak for OP but can speak for what I did, video monitors in both kids bedrooms, baby in with us until she was 2, that said he adores her, always haa and ultimately wouldn't ever deliberately hurt her so knowing she was in a crib or cot we knew she was ok. Also at night he's wak hourly and scream for us so nights weren't ever a case of anyone sleeping all night back then. Going to the toilet either baby came with me in a sling or she got put in the cot in our bedroom and he came in the bathroom and watched cocomelon if I was more than 2 mins. I didn't pee unaccompanied for around 5/6 years.

It's hard, I couldn't trust anyone with my son Iand daughter together until she was bigger and stronger, 2ish.other in law had each of them separately 1 day a week for us and thought I was OTT until she tried having both and realised ho hyper vigilant we had to be.

Easier now they are 8 and 4 andmy son is very wellmanaged and therefore melts down much less but we still at least a couple of times a week need to take them o separate rooms to maintain safety.

It's not at all easy and if I'd 2 like my daughter I'd never believe people have to do this

Wow that’s quite a sweeping statement. Please don’t judge all people in that age group by your experience.