To think FIL was BU to leave children to go to end of street?

[smallholdingdreams]

Hi,

DH and I were working from home today and were out for a couple of hours on appointments.

FIL was at our house looking after DC, one just turned 3 a couple of weeks ago and the other is 5. 5 year old on waiting list for assessment for suspected ADHD and can have frequent angry outbursts resulting in hitting/kicking/throwing things/pushing 3 year old, so you can’t really leave them alone and incidents can happen very fast.

Realised later on that FIL locked them in the house to walk to the end of the street, where he was parked, to get a bag of tumble dried bedding from his car, something not necessary and could definitely have waited until we were back. My 5 year old can unlock the front door from the inside.

I know back in ‘our day’ parents used to do all sorts so it’s not the most horrific thing in the world but I still feel quite annoyed, given how fast my 5 year old can turn, that it only takes mere seconds for something to happen. DH thinks it’s fine and we don’t need to mention it.

You take a 3 year old into the toilet with you in your own home?

I'm sure you were passively supervising them and would have gone to them if you heard a crash or scream. :-) Fortunately, this isn't something I had to experience.

The rule for that age is ‘within sight or hearing distance’. I’d go in the garden or up to the attic, but I know I could hear ‘maaaammmmy’

the door though… that’s on you. That’s not acceptable. He should not be able to open it if you think it’s dangerous for him to do so. (My 4 year old can open the back door, but she knows not to go out and it’s into the garden)

A 3 year old is a preschooler, not a toddler.

I don’t think it really matters. If you as a parent are concerned about it then that’s all there is to it and you can’t continue to have him babysit whilst it’s not been addressed. Husband needs to stop being a coward and you guys just need to have a quick, adult chat with FIL about it and let him know you want him to stay in the house with them when he’s watching them. This whole situation could be fixed with a quick word between adults. If FIL goes “okay, won’t happen again” then it’s solved. If he goes “you’re being ridiculous (etc. etc.)” then he will likely do it again so there is no point having him watch them as you know you don’t feel comfortable with that.

I think your DH is doing his father a disservice. FIL obviously didn’t judge it was something that would bother you and it wasn’t done with any malice or ill intent, but if you don’t speak with him and just refuse to have him watch them again then the poor man is going to wonder what he’s done wrong or feel used or confused about why he’s not allowed to be alone with his grandchildren. Your husband will hurt his feelings more that way than just putting his big boy pants on and having a short conversation that may be a bit difficult or embarrassing, but I’d bet FIL would appreciate that more.

And yet it’s one of the ages we’re talking about, so why mention needing to bring them to the toilet if you actually wouldn’t?

Technically 3 is still a toddler anyway.

Oh my god I really hope this is sarcasm. Or it’s the most ridiculous sweeping untrue ridiculous statement ever.

I’m Gen X and am very careful and highly risk averse when looking after little ones. As are all my friends either young grandchildren. Some of us actually grew up emotionally, you know? And don’t make the mistakes we saw when young.

We have definitely always classified 3 as preschooler, however that is irrelevant as kids are individuals. We know our own kids and their capabilities. OP's children are clearly not the kind to leave alone for any length of time. There is impulsiveness, an ability to leave the house alone without an adult knowing, and the risk of one who is prone to suddenly hurting the other doing so.

I can tell you from my work that if something happened, the kids being unattended would definitely come to notice.

If your FIL is Gen X or a boomer then you know that they are unlikely to be responsible to look after children.

Oh FGS.

What ageist rubbish.

This is a FIL Issue.

Yes, times have changed.
People of all ages can change with the times
Not all of previous generations took what we see as risks
I am sorry you had inadequate care but are all Millenials unlikely to be able to understand the logic that the vast majority survived? Are all younger generations unlikely to recognise wild generalisations or prejudicial stereotypes?

Who is “we”? The NHS for one refer to 3 as a toddler.

https://service-manual.nhs.uk/content/inclusive-content/age

I would like to claim this please. I'm Gen X. I am most definitely not fit to care for children. Anyone's children, ever, for any length of time. haha

The rest of that post is more relevant to the discussion, yet you're going to ignore it for that? OK, maybe they do. I'm not disclosing my occupation but we did definitely have classifications. Not that it really matters because children are individuals and developmental capacity is more important.

Not really, you’re the one who claimed regardless of age and regardless of how close the car is it was “too far”, you didn’t say in OP’s case.

I’ve already commented on OP’s specific situation. I’m simply calling out your nonsense generalisation that it’s always too long to leave a 3 & 5 year old alone for quite literally 5 minutes total.

I don't recall saying that, but whatever. Not important. I wouldn't agree with regardless of age because most 5, 6, 7 year olds would be fine. OP's is not.

Your second paragraph doesn't make sense combined with your first paragraph. Either I said regardless of age, or I said a 3 and 5 year old. Not both. A 3 year old I would have taken with me for sure.

I do know if either of them got hurt, or the five year old hurt the three year old, and the adult in charge had 'nipped out', for however long, you could expect a visit from social services.

Is that a joke?

I completely agree. I am a grandmother and am extra careful with my gc.

Absolutely correct.

There is proof too.

The proof is this.

it is an accepted and documented fact that the children of boomers were very, very unlikely to survive childhood. That is why they were the last generation and humanity died out thanks to their woeful childcare skills.

I´m Gen X and have a 7.5 year old. God knows how she made it this far without amputations...And agree about over supervision.

😆😆👍

Well you did. You said the car being parked 4 doors would be too far to go to.

I’m not sure what you’re trying to suggest but if one child hits another, or a child falls while the parent is meters away getting something from their car 4 doors down the parent will not be categorised as neglectful or abusive based merely on going to their car for 4 brief minutes.

If I were you OP, I’d organise the house exterior doors so that it’s impossible for the children to escape or even possibly open the house to someone knocking whilst the adult in charge is stuck on the lav.

No, this is really wrong - your DH laughed!?

Probably best to pay for childcare in the future.

I'll take your word for it. I'm not talking about falls and a kid hitting another. I'm talking about a more serious incident, which OP made it sound like her kids could be prone to.

My mother nipped next door, just a few yards, when I was 3. In that time I got my father's razor and sliced my face with it. Lucky it wasn't my neck. Oh, but she thought I couldn't reach it. I could climb.

I also got badly burned when I was 2 because my mother went to put a load of laundry on and I tripped and fell with my hand in the fire. Social services checked that one out since she had to take me to the hospital.

I know I would be even more careful when looking after children that aren't mine, as I just don't know them as well.

In the end, all that matters is OP isn't okay with it and anyone looking after her children should follow that, no matter what their opinion on it. From her description of her children, I suspect she's right.