To think FIL was BU to leave children to go to end of street?

[smallholdingdreams]

Hi,

DH and I were working from home today and were out for a couple of hours on appointments.

FIL was at our house looking after DC, one just turned 3 a couple of weeks ago and the other is 5. 5 year old on waiting list for assessment for suspected ADHD and can have frequent angry outbursts resulting in hitting/kicking/throwing things/pushing 3 year old, so you can’t really leave them alone and incidents can happen very fast.

Realised later on that FIL locked them in the house to walk to the end of the street, where he was parked, to get a bag of tumble dried bedding from his car, something not necessary and could definitely have waited until we were back. My 5 year old can unlock the front door from the inside.

I know back in ‘our day’ parents used to do all sorts so it’s not the most horrific thing in the world but I still feel quite annoyed, given how fast my 5 year old can turn, that it only takes mere seconds for something to happen. DH thinks it’s fine and we don’t need to mention it.

What did I just read??? What the actual hell? How do you suppose all the millenials and gen z and gen alphas have survived if a boomers and gen x are incompetent, neglectful 'parents'? I grew up in the 80s too. I'm sorry your particular parents were neglectful (or simply not up to today's impossible, helicopter, equally harmful in some ways standards).

Just as fil not to leave the house again when he's in sole charge . And do put a bolt high up on the front door it DS can open it from the inside and is giving to dangerous impulses.
ETA I didn't mean to respond to that post about boomers!

Ageist bullshit.

It wouldn't have bothered me, fairly low risk if the house is child proofed. My 3 used to fight a lot (two ND) but strangely not if left alone. It wouldn't have been for long.
However, not unreasonable to not like it. I would get DH to mention to your FIL that you both aren't comfortable with them being left alone. I would then make a decision on his response as to whether I would let him look after them again.
I never let my dad look after the kids on their own as babies or toddlers as he was completely laissez-faire (failed to properly strap in baby into car seat, 2 year old nephew fell in a pond).

Blimey I do 3 days a week best tell them to start paying for nursery didn't realize I was such a risk. Still I'll get more gym time in

I often wonder why there is so little independence and initiative in such a large section of young people these days and so little resilience. This nails the answer really. Helicopter parenting doesn't do them the favours you might think.

FIL was most definitely not BU.

Yes safety only really became a thing with millennials.

Children of Boomers, Gen X etc were routinely lost, dropped, broken etc.

Amazing we have any millennials at all really.

What do you do about the toilet then...

You know your children, so if you think it was dangerous I take your word for it.

But I would have done this and have in a way, although in our case we have a very big garden which stretches a long way so I’ve definitely gone to the bottom of the garden while the children are in the house which is probably a similar distance.

It might be one of those where it’s better to have a sort of ‘look, ds just isn’t able to be left unsupervised’ rather than a knee jerk reaction.

What a generalization. I'm a boomer, have a grandchildren and would never leave them alone at that age, and considering the 5yo issues.

Is the grandfather aware of the types behavior and have you told him not to leave them alone? Either way I'd just not have him babysit until the children are older.

Depends on what you mean by the end of the street. Surely he couldn’t have parked that far?

I personally would leave a 3 and 5 year old who were busy and happily playing for 5 mins to grab something from the car. Just as I would leave them in the garden if I need to nip upstairs to run the bath or something.

We used to live on a terraced street and it was impossible to live near the house so sometimes had to leave the kids in the house for a minute (playing or watching TV) to grab the shopping or the buggy from the boot. Always seemed like the lowest risk, and lowest hassle option to me.

So I agree most kids of this age is be able to leave alone, my 4 yr old daughter and 3 yr old nephew I've left in my sister's playroom while we drank coffee in the kitchen BUT my own eldest at that age, on list for ADHD and ASD I couldn't have left at 5 in a room alone with a 3 yr old for similar reasons to op.

Apparently everyone takes their school aged children with them!!

Or they follow you, informing you that tractors are blue and so William won but then you saw a red one and that meant Hettie won …

Well, you can't leave your children in FIL's care again or your DH's it seems. Unless DH is just saying he thought it was ok because he is too weak to speak up for his children. If he genuinely thinks it's ok and would do the same, you won't be able to trust him to look after them. They might not do that again but there are plenty of other stupid things they might think ok because it suits them at the time.

Well there is that 🤣

Nothing did happen, you came home and all was fine and you wouldn't have known if you hadn't have watched the Ring. You dc didn't mention it so they weren't frightened or searching for him etc.

I think it is a very very big/impossible ask that your 5 yr old is never left unsupervised. If that is truly your expectation then you need to make sure there are at least 2 adults at home at all times? Your FiL should be able to go and make a drink or have a poo for a few minutes while the dc are settled and engaged in something. This trip to the car doesnt sound like it took any longer than that.

We used to live in a house on a lane that the bin lorry couldn't get down, so we had to get the bins up to the end of the lane to be collected. I had 2 under 2 and I don't think I ever took them with me whilst also carrying the recycling and pulling the wheelie bin. I just waited until they were asleep or engrossed in tv or something and was quick as possible. Sounds like your fil did the same.

I don't think you should hold your fil to unattainable standards - have you honestly never left your dc for a minute unsupervised in your house? How have you managed that?

If you feel fil cant care for your dc well enough then you will have to be more organised with your dh to make sure one of you is always available to care for them.

Phew eh? I can now refuse to look after the grandchildren ever again what with being over 60. I'll no doubt just let them die from neglect. I'm amazed our 3 ever survived being brought up by such dreadful people.

In lockdowns both dh and I were expected to wfh and completely ignore/neglect our dc for hours.

I have no desire to defend or return to that - it was awful, but I do think it shows that this isn't a settled matter.

My dc played unsupervised a lot then. Most people were the same.

This is just bloody insulting!! I’m a ‘Gen X’ granny, and I am PERFECTLY able to keep my grandchildren safe! My daughter trusts me implicitly.

Fuck off with your ageist attitude.

Imagine being this narrow minded whilst in charge of children. Poor kids

Fuck off with your ageist nonsense.

Christ, I’m Gen X and have a 6 year old. Do I tell her I’m not responsible enough to look after her now or later.

On a more serious note, there’s a whole host of research emerging that over-supervision hinders all sorts of things including autonomy, critical thinking, learning how to take risks etc etc.

Not relevant to the OP as her children are a bit too young, before anyone comes for me

Devil is in the detail, my car is currently “down the street” which is about 6 houses away, wouldn’t think twice about nipping to it to fetch something as it’s safer to go alone than take two small children onto the pavement, it’s a busyish road. If it’s 10 cars away, perhaps it’s tipped over to taking the kids. At 5 my mum used to let me go to the local shop for her, 12 houses away, end of our cul de sac. Remember all dc are different too but mine would have been fine, I certainly nipped to the drs at that age leaving mine at home, taking 5 minutes on foot, no roads to cross to pick up medication from the dispensary when they both had chicken pox, dr said not to bring them and so I had no choice