To think FIL was BU to leave children to go to end of street?

[smallholdingdreams]

Hi,

DH and I were working from home today and were out for a couple of hours on appointments.

FIL was at our house looking after DC, one just turned 3 a couple of weeks ago and the other is 5. 5 year old on waiting list for assessment for suspected ADHD and can have frequent angry outbursts resulting in hitting/kicking/throwing things/pushing 3 year old, so you can’t really leave them alone and incidents can happen very fast.

Realised later on that FIL locked them in the house to walk to the end of the street, where he was parked, to get a bag of tumble dried bedding from his car, something not necessary and could definitely have waited until we were back. My 5 year old can unlock the front door from the inside.

I know back in ‘our day’ parents used to do all sorts so it’s not the most horrific thing in the world but I still feel quite annoyed, given how fast my 5 year old can turn, that it only takes mere seconds for something to happen. DH thinks it’s fine and we don’t need to mention it.

Did anything happen on this occasion to either child?

I wish I got a minute to go to the toilet in peace, I’m followed like Mrs Large the elephant, the same for anywhere I go 😂

My 5 year old struggles to play alone as he always wants someone with him and he notices where you are or aren’t. He’s starting to get much better, very slowly. He in himself is fine, it’s more when 3 year old is there that he can very quickly turn, much more so than your usual sibling fighting. FIL is very much aware of this.

I don’t want to make a massive deal over it so I just asked DH if he’d have a quiet word to say, please don’t do that, but he’s refusing as he doesn’t see it as an issue and that FIL was doing something to benefit us (getting a bag of tumble drying out of the car). I can sometimes come across as worse than I mean when I’m annoyed about something, which I didn’t want to do.

I regularly leave my almost 3 and almost 5 year old for several mins, by nipping to the upstairs to put away a wash while they’re in the garden, or cooking dinner downstairs at the back of the house while they’re in the bedrooms playing and very much out of earshot, should my DH never trust me to look after my own children again?

I can’t believe there are people claiming it’s unreasonable to leave a 3&5 year old unattended for minutes.
It sounds like OPs concern is possible the 5 year olds capacity and if that’s the case perhaps FIL or most others shouldn’t be left with the 2 children at once but the people just posting generic outrage at a 5 & 3 year old being in a room unattended for minutes are actually mad. That style of over anxious smothering parenting should not be anything to aim for.

I agree @Meadowfinch! I’m a boomer, brought up in a very different time by parents with a very different attitude to childcare - but that doesn’t make me or anyone else of my generation incapable of properly supervising kids today. Idiotic of anyone to suggest that.

@ScottishHils that’s another good point

What totally ridiculous thing to say. How many thousands/millions of grandparents are there that take care of grandchildren perfectly well? I’m shocked.

As someone who was a 1:1 support in school for a child with ADHD who was impulsive and would flip in a second I wasn't allowed to let him out of my sight in order to protect him and other children. If your 5 year old is anything like him then YANBU.

What utter ageist drivel.

I would leave my 4 yr old daughter in the living room and run out to the car or backyard. I'd leave her with her 3 yr old cousin.

At 4 I had to take my eldest to the loo with me for everyone's safety.

Kids with ASD/ADHD are not able to be treated in fully age appropriate ways, that's why it's a disability

This. I’m a Boomer, and I’ve looked after my kids, my grandchildren, and now a great grandchild, all without any harm coming to any of them. 🙄

Jeez, there are some daft views on here.

It’s this - the impulsivity, rather than just the ages.

He can be the most caring and loving little boy but he can just flip from nowhere within seconds. We’ve had lots of chats with FIL about it and he is just whilst we’re in half term. We’ve tried to make it easier by using our flexi to start work a bit later so he’s having them for less (with employer support).

DS (5 year old) won’t do any clubs at all and would stand there shouting and refusing to join in if we took him, otherwise he could be in a holiday club. We’ve made some progress by finally getting him to do one sport club, but very limited in other childcare options.

I have to say that leaving a 5 year old and 3 year old for a couple of minutes isn't the worse thing in the world, though I wouldn't do it myself. If it were me, I'd probably say to him that it makes me unconformtable, please don't do it again. I'm sure he'd agree not to. This is a small matter which can be easily solved.

🤣 I presume (hope) you are joking.

Agreed.

Hysterical responses in here for the most part.

This wouldn't have bothered me particularly, I often left my little ones in the house to fetch things from the car, but you could ask him to stay close/in the house with them all the time as the 5yo can escalate quickly.

The majority of comments are stating that’s it’s unreasonable to leave any 3 & 5 year old alone for even 2 minutes, not this specific child.

If this specific child needs 1 to 1 care perhaps an older FIL doing it while also looking after an active 3 year old isn’t appropriate, only her and DH can know that though. All children with ADHD are not the same and there no one rule.

I know your circumstances are slightly different @smallholdingdreams but does no one leave their kids to hang washing out, go for a poo, make dinner, etc?
I would ask FIL not to do it again, explain the situation with your eldest carefully and leave it at that.

Wouldn’t be an issue at all for me and am surprised by some of the hysterical responses on this thread. As PP has already said, have a word if you’re that concerned, but he didn’t pop to the shops, but to his car down the end of the street - I’m with your other half on this.

What a sweeping generalisation! I brought up children on the 80’s and I can assure you I supervised them all, they’re all still here !

What do you if you are going to use the bathroom and are going to be longer than 2 minutes, do you take your children into the bathroom with you or do you just leave them unattended for a few minutes?

What a ridiculous generalisation!

"If your FIL is Gen X or a boomer then you know that they are unlikely to be responsible to look after children."

Many Gen X will have children. You think anyone over 45 is too irresponsible to look after children?

Gen X - So no one aged 46-61 can be trusted with children ? 😂

I agree with you. I’ve been having a shower and my husband has popped out to the shop and our 4yr old has been fine in front of the tv for a bit, but then they’re pretty good with things like that.

The grandparent should have messaged the parents though to let them know to keep an ear out for them just in case (I presume the parents were both in the house too as the OP says they were working from home).

Depends - how far is the end if the street? If you live at number 1 and there’s 300 houses then yes I’d question it. But if it was a couple if car lengths away then YABU