To have said I won't be having grandson anymore?

[Fireplays]

My ds is 16 and teen years have been really difficult tbh with his behaviour and school attendance and just general attitude to everyone. He smokes weed and vapes and went completely off the rails, he was brought home by police a few times etc and as you can imagine it was an extremely stressful time.

He failed all his GCSEs, did he care? Nope. He currently goes to college but is on his last warning for attendance as he just wont get up in the morning.

He has a gf and she gave birth to their baby in June last year so he's now 8 months, considering she was heavily pregnant she did do well in her GCSEs and started a apprenticeship in January this year. I don't know what she sees in him tbh.

Before her apprenticeship started she asked me if I would have grandson 2 days a week and her mum has him the other days. I agreed and I usually pick him up at about 8:30 and have him all day I give him a bath here and get him ready for bed and usually drop him off at about 6. I also have him the odd afternoon if I can if her mum has somewhere to be as she also has younger children so it could be an appointment or whatever for them.

My son is at college (or supposed to be) during this time but even when he's home he doesn't do much for baby as “his gf asked me to babysit not him”.

The other day he came home from wherever and went to work on his motorbike.
I've told him today that if he gets kicked off his course then I won't be having grandson anymore and it'll be up to him to care for him and he flipped it back on me and accused me of not wanting to spend time with dgs and called me cruel etc and told his gf so now she's messaging me too

Was I really in the wrong?

I would continue to look after yourself as, atleast the mother is working hard to give her son a decent life...The father, your son seems to only think about himself. I work with people daily who suffer the side effects of smoking weed. For some people they think it isn't harmful at all, l can tell you it is, and it is also illegal, it's a class B drug. Weed can negatively, affect the brain especially in adolescents, their brains are still developing, with long term issues affecting mental health, depression and psychosis, the list goes on. Personally he should never be left alone with his son. If you do not try and sort him out now, you are looking at travelling down an extremely rocky road...He is a father and needs to grow up and accept his responsibilities, sound like his girlfriend is doing her best, he should be supporting her by doing his best too. I wish you well, l really do ...

Agree, but I'd go further and say you're doing it for your grandson. As long as a grandparent feels well enough/isn't already maxed out with their own job and other caring responsibilities, it's good to babysit to get that close relationship. I totally respect you'd rather be babysitting because the parents are working, but that's not the child's fault.

You need to think of the future- do you want a relationship with dgs or not? What you do/ say now will impact on that.

I think you said it as you are so annoyed with your ds and the fact you’re so helpless with what you can do for ds in reality - nothing.

Chances are the parents will not stay together/ get on in the future so you really need to think about the relationship you have with baby’s mum- if you want to be in baby’s life, help her- he is your dgs!

If you’re not bothered about contact with dgs in the future just leave things as they are, otherwise reach out to her.

It's not safe to leave your gs with such an unfit parent.

You're punishing the baby and the gf for the behaviour of your son. That's not fair and it won't achieve anything.

I think you said you won’t have dgs to try & kick DS into action, he sounds very immature and did not respond as you hoped he would.
I would apologise to DS & gf that you said it in frustration and that you actually do want to continue to support their family unit.
ds should hopefully mature in the next few years, you need to be their for dgs ‘in loco parentis’ as it sounds like if he was on his own with dgs he would be incapable of adequately caring for him, especially as he smokes weed and has not income.
If I was you I would request ds spends anytime not in college with dgs under supervision of either ‘mil’ or you, so as he can learn how to care for baby. 🍀

Sometimes really good, caring parents have children who grow up to cause problems. And some lazy parents who do nothing much for their kids (cue the old joke about how 80s parents just kicked their kids out the door and hardly interacted with them at all) have children who get top GCSEs, scholarships and end up with amazing jobs and families of their own.

One of my coworkers has 2 kids; her daughter did well all through school, did volunteering, and now has a great job and relationship. Her son was involved with the police a number at times, kicked out of school and continues to have issues now (for obvious reasons I won't go into detail).
It is very easy to blame the parents, but for all we know, OP supported her son well and he just got in with a bad crowd.

I would imagine as a young couple with a baby they would be eligible for some free childcare with a childminder. I’m surprised that grandparents are having to cover all 5 working days. Could you encourage them to look into this as it would free you up a bit. I think if not it would be difficult for the girlfriend & she sounds really switched on. Lots of teens that age with a baby would just claim benefits. So well done to her for getting onto an apprenticeship.

I think your son is obviously not ready for any sort of responsibility. Can he not find a part time job?

That poor baby :-(

Look up the law on a 16 year old riding a motorbike.

Why does your 16 year old son have a motorbike when he is failing completely at life??

Where was he getting the money to buy weed?

I can completely understand you saying it. But I probably wouldn't follow through on it.bit sounds like he needs support to bond with his son. I sympathise because I have an entitled lazy teenager too, I don't think it's your fault (although I am horrified the motorbike was ever allowed, it's a death wish, especially for a teen father? What was your DH thinking?) If he's smoking weed and got a poor appetite then I'd be concerned he was taking ketamine too.

agree with this completely.

Help her to build a life that can support your grandson as I doubt your son will be able to. She sounds like she's trying her best right now.

Plus, when they split you'll still want to see the baby and if you're offering support (in whatever way possible) you're more likely to be able to maintain contact.

Well for one your sons either riding a moped or he’s riding a motorcycle illegally as I’m guessing it isn’t on L plates . Who’s also paying for his insurance?? He is a deadbeat. Can’t be arsed looking after his kid or going to college etc. clearly he’s getting money from somewhere.

This.

I'd be booting him out before 18 though.

This. I'd be happy to care for dgs as long as his Mum is working towards getting qualifications to support him. I'd be more likely to stop caring for ds and ask him to move out and sort himself out. What a dreadful role model for your dgs.

What’s the betting his girlfriend will find herself pregnant for a second time and your problem will double? I think pretty high.

I agree with this, and I think OP needs to decide how many GC she’s prepared to bring up.

@Fireplays

You say you work 3 days a week, but the baby is only at the other grans' at weekends.
So who looks after the baby on the 3 days Monday to Friday?
I don't understand. The mother is at work/training so where is the baby when you're working?

The thing you need to focus on is not how much babysitting you do, but your son.

He hasn't arrived where he is overnight. Being disinterested in education, for years, and not applying himself now at college is a long term issue.

How have you as parents allowed this to slide for years? Does he have good role models? Did you ever try to get him interested in education? Did you ever put boundaries around his behaviour from when he was 11 to now?

Because you're still hands off. His bike is possibly illegal. At 16 he can have a 50cc moped. No more. So if you're allowing that you are allowing him to break the law - and he's a minor.

He's going out and you don't know where or who he's with.
He's got money but you don't know how.
He takes drugs.
He's a father at 16. Possibly 15 as the baby is 8 months old.

Where have you and your H been in all of this for 16 years?

It comes over as if you are passive parents, giving into him, allowing him free rein then complaining when it impacts on your lives with a grandchild now in the family.

What are you going to DO about it all?

I think what’s required is a long term plan. What is the girlfriend training to do?

I’m amazed at the inconsistency on Mumsnet. Where are all the people who say that 20 year olds are fully cooked yet because their brains are still changing? These kids, yes, kids, had a baby when they were 16 and posters are roasting the child with a child.

Do the people telling OP to kick them both out really want these children who haven’t got the first idea about parenting to bring up a child without support?

I’m still on the slope between incredulity and horror that Children’s Services are OK with the situation.

how depressing that teenagers like this are enabled to live like this with everyone bending over backwards to enable it.

baby should be given up for adoption.

I would be kicking the son out tbh
Op, how long is the childcare arrangement going to be for ?

I’m surprised too - I know a family in a similar situation and the grandparents had to adopt the baby and take full responsibility.

Difficult @Fireplays . Your DS needs to parent - and not turn you not babysitting into something it isn’t. He needs to take DGS from you when he gets home and parent. You are not responsible for helping his GF qualify - if need be, you need to let her get her Mum to help more. I would be trying to explain that it’s not ‘sitting’ that is the problem - it’s that your DS isn’t stepping up. Your son’s GF needs to understand that. To be honest, it would be better if they were not living at yours - you could still babysit two days and it would separate things better. Could they live at her Mum’s?

Exactly! People are so dramatic. I was smoking weed, drinking, staying out. I was a slightly wayward teenager not heading for prison.