To have said I won't be having grandson anymore?

[Fireplays]

My ds is 16 and teen years have been really difficult tbh with his behaviour and school attendance and just general attitude to everyone. He smokes weed and vapes and went completely off the rails, he was brought home by police a few times etc and as you can imagine it was an extremely stressful time.

He failed all his GCSEs, did he care? Nope. He currently goes to college but is on his last warning for attendance as he just wont get up in the morning.

He has a gf and she gave birth to their baby in June last year so he's now 8 months, considering she was heavily pregnant she did do well in her GCSEs and started a apprenticeship in January this year. I don't know what she sees in him tbh.

Before her apprenticeship started she asked me if I would have grandson 2 days a week and her mum has him the other days. I agreed and I usually pick him up at about 8:30 and have him all day I give him a bath here and get him ready for bed and usually drop him off at about 6. I also have him the odd afternoon if I can if her mum has somewhere to be as she also has younger children so it could be an appointment or whatever for them.

My son is at college (or supposed to be) during this time but even when he's home he doesn't do much for baby as “his gf asked me to babysit not him”.

The other day he came home from wherever and went to work on his motorbike.
I've told him today that if he gets kicked off his course then I won't be having grandson anymore and it'll be up to him to care for him and he flipped it back on me and accused me of not wanting to spend time with dgs and called me cruel etc and told his gf so now she's messaging me too

Was I really in the wrong?

yes, but presumably you didn't have a kid to think about

@Fireplays the first comment is very rational way of thinking about it.
I would save energy for the baby and her mum and support her for your granchild’s sake.
Your son is very young and sounds very immature . You can’t make him do anything he doesn’t want to do .
Can you ask around at garages for a mechanic apprenticeship. I know others might say he should do it .
He maybe just needs a focus and hasn’t found what it is that he wants to do yet .
I think you have to ride the hard times out for another couple of years . By that time grandson be going to nursery and your son hopefully have pulled his socks up.

I wouldn’t throw him out either.

Of course she shouldn't throw him out. It's easy for people to say. Not so easy when it's your son who you love. He's very young and also needs support.

I’ve lived through this entire mess, as a sibling of a 16 year old mum (I was 14), and honestly my one regret to this day (now 47) is that my mum and I enabled my sister’s life to continue as she wanted and without consequences, why? Mainly, we felt sorry for her, thought it was just a mistake but NO in hindsight she knew she wanted the flat, the weekly benefits (in 1990s) and she also became completely reliant on us. She had sooo much support but achieved nothing, took all our time, energy and finances only to keep repeating the same selfish mistakes time and time again. Popping out more children she couldn’t afford and look after without us. Her last being at 36 years old when she should have known better.

OP should put her foot down NOW, set her boundaries, or next year no doubt she’ll be dumped with two grandchildren. Don’t make life easy for them, that’s what got them into this mess in the first place. Yes, tell her DS, get your arse to college or look after your own son and that’s final. The mother of this story is not OPs problem.

You agreed to look after your grandson so his mum could complete her apprenticeship, I think it would be unfair to remove that offer because you’re annoyed with your son.
she is getting a qualification to get a job - the thing you want your son to do, but she will struggle to do that if she loses childcare 2 days a week.

you refusing to look after your grandson won’t make your son be a better person! He isn’t going to suddenly start going to college on time or take an interest in his own child. It will only make things difficult for the gf and potentially ruin your relationship with her and your grandson.

is that worth it?

I'd try and see the childcare arrangement as helping your grandson and his mother in getting a good start in life. It sounds like she's doing the best she can, and it would be a kind and good thing to be able to support her to continue that.

Had I had a child at 16 I can’t imagine I would have been a very good parent but I would have tried, as a mother.

I’m not absolving him of any responsibility but people need to hold in mind this is not a feckless adult being a deadbeat dad, these are children that have had a child.

Mum has stepped up and all credit to her but how often do we see that? Every single day.

Writing this boy off at 16 and kicking him out of home is likely ruining the chance for him to get his shit together.

It could set him on a risky path instead of supporting him and loving him.

I agreed to look after my grandson because my son would also be at college so therefore wouldn't be able to care for him. I also dropped down my hours for it, we aren't necessarily struggling but it feels whatever we do he throws it back in our face. We've really tried with him, tough love, calm talks, boundaries anything. I don't see how from just a short post posters are saying we don't/didnt parent him. And to posters saying he didn't become like this overnight - he did!

In year 7 he was well behaved, never got a detention and the only time he was late was if the bus was late which wasn't his fault so therefore they didn't punish him. He always handed his homework in on time and while he wasn't the most academic top set student he tried. The first half of year 8 was the same but then a switch flicked and he changed and didn't respond to consequences. He just made sarcastic comments (and still does). Then he got worse the older he got. With the police bringing him home etc.
We do ask where he's going/where he's been but he doesn't answer and we can't stop him going out and there's no way to force him to tell us.

His gf doesn't want grandson in nursery yet at his age, I have him 2 days a week and her mum 3, there's no way they can go and live with her mum and she has younger children and the house is overcrowded to be living there FT.

I don't intend on throwing ds out, he's 16 I can't legally do that

This place is full of assumption OP.

The only part I can disagree with is that your son's GF doesn't want her baby in nursery, so you need to look after him. We can't always have what we want, and nursery may be necessary if the GPs aren't willing or able.

Where would he be kicked to @Lampzade ?

He's a child- aged 16.

Are you saying he should go into foster care or maybe live on the streets?

What exactly are you suggesting?

The first half of year 8 was the same but then a switch flicked and he changed and didn't respond to consequences. He just made sarcastic comments (and still does). Then he got worse the older he got. With the police bringing him home etc.
We do ask where he's going/where he's been but he doesn't answer and we can't stop him going out and there's no way to force him to tell us.

But somewhere along the line you appear to have given up from when he was 13 to now. You have zero control over his behaviour.

Did this girl want a baby? What happened to contraception?

You're ignoring issues like his motorbike - unless it IS a moped. And where he gets his money- illegal sale of drugs, presumably.

And working out his age now and the baby being 8 months, he appears to have fathered it at 15.

Isn't this a case of asking for professional help- talking to your GP and accessing any help that is put there?

He's a child at risk. He's using drugs, more than likely he's selling them (at a profit) or being used by a gang.

Do you understand how serious this is?

It's not about the baby it's about how your son is off the rails, taking drugs, likely riding an illegal bike (because you won't remove it or the keys) and earning money illegally.

Have you ever sat down with him and had a serious conversation about how his life is going to pan out when he has no qualifications, no job, no training in place and he is using drugs?

What is his dad doing or saying?

This girl should not be with you. She should be with her own parents. It's their daughter and their responsibility, even if they have a lack of space at home. She could have terminated or used contraception (more carefully.)

Your son is not mature enough to be a father. He's a kid . He can't even manage his own life.

I can't believe you are accepting no blame for this, your son has fathered a child yet he does zero parenting/zero responsibilities. You raised him poorly.

I didn't stop parenting him. As I said we tried everything from calm talks to taking things off of him to grounding him. He didn't care and we couldn't enforce him being grounded as we obviously can't lock him up so he’d go out anyway.

We weren't happy at all when we found out his gf was pregnant but we obviously couldn't force abortion or adoption (like posters saying the baby needs to be put up for adoption etc... Just how? He isn't our baby). She wanted to keep him apparently she was on the pill but I'm not 100% as that. We did feel she could've planned it as she was weirdly calm and I certainly wouldn't have been but we obviously had no proof.

They were both 15 when he was conceived, she was closer to 16 and was actually 16 when she found out (I think) and ds turned 16 a month before grandson was born. They'd been together a year at that point so they were all talk about being a family etc. I later found out her mum knew they were having sex as she went and
Told her mum she was ready etc - we had no idea and we weren't pleased about how her mum went about things.

@Fireplays could you make it clear that if he stops going to college/gets chucked out that you will no longer babysit? And stick to it?

Still no answer on the bike questions. He’s a deadbeat. You need to do things so he doesn’t want to be at home. Turn the WiFi off etc. how is he getting money for the weed etc?

could you make it clear that if he stops going to college/gets chucked out that you will no longer babysit? And stick to it?
@Ohnobackagainyes, that's what I meant last night when I said it.

I've answered about the bike, I said he can legally ride it. Not sure why I need to repeat myself for posters who just want to judge and can't be bothered to read my posts. The reason u can't take the keys is because he has them on him most of the time or they're in his room where he is

I can't turn the wifi off, I wfh so then I wouldn't be able to work. He also has data so it wouldn't affect him. He also goes out, just not to college most the time or he goes to college but then leaves halfway through the day. He gives various excuses like it's boring, it's too hard (a level 1 construction course...), he'll go in “later” then never does. The “best” excuse was him saying he couldn't go in because he’d have a nose bleed

I've said I don't know where he gets money from, the only thing I pay for is his college lunch online and his phone as it comes out automatically, I'm sure posters will say stop that but we have in the past and it doesn't do any good, if just makes him more hostile

@Fireplays there is probably a way you can stop him using the wifi without turning it off - most router security allows it? Of course he might hotspot from his girlfriend but she won’t always be there.

It takes two and mistakes do happen.
He has proven he cant face consequences of his mistakes, so like I said...hopefully he wont be getting any more young girls pregnant,

I expect he's getting money through dealing.

It really sounds like you and your husband have got to get some 'tough love' in place here.

He is still a kid, and his behaviour, whilst he is living under your roof is unacceptable.
First off take away his motorbike...no excuses, if he keeps the keys in his pocket, get them out, if he kicks off, tough. As long as he isn't violent... (if he is that's a completely different matter) let him learn that bad behaviour doesn't get rewarded.

Also, if as you say he was a good lad till he suddenly wasn't....do you know who his friends are? Sounds to me like peer pressure influenced him, find out who his friends are, they are often at the root of bad behaviour in kids. If you know more of what you are dealing with, it may be easier to sort it out.

The reason u can't take the keys is because he has them on him most of the time or they're in his room where he is

I'm sorry but this is ridiculous.

He's a child and lives at home. Basically, you have no control over him whatsoever.

If you want to stop him using the bike you bought him you can do that. He hands over the keys or you take the bike away and store it somewhere.

Have you thought of reporting him to the police for taking drugs?

It's no surprise he can't stick to his college work if he's literally doped up on weed. It's also known now to cause psychosis/ bipolar, so using it long term is going to be a serious issue.

I've said I don't know where he gets money from,

So do you want to know? It sounds as if you're head in the sand.

Have you and his dad sat him down and asked him where it's from? What does he say?

It's 99% sure it's from drug dealing. Would you like the police at your door? If he's dealing in weed it's likely that will escalate to other drugs either in dealing or for his own use. He could end up in prison eventually if he can't avoid the other people he's mixing with.

The girl needs to live with her own family.
Your son is not ready for this. You need to focus your efforts on getting him back on track without having another child to deal with.

I don't actually understand your question in the first place. If you give up child care who will replace you?

If you want your son to get some qualifications, asking him to stay at home 2 days a week to look after his baby isn't the answer, is it?

I'm sorry but the whole set up is dysfunctional.
You really need to involve your GP and social services.
And the girl's parents need to step up.

Inclined to agree with this... halfway through typing an answer before I realised.. Just be confident with your decision x

I can't believe you are so incurious about where your son gets his money from.

He's probably using that bike you bought him to delivery drugs.

Agree and there is NO way a baby should be in the same house as a 16 year old child who is possibly working as a drug dealer.
He's not fit to be looking after a child.

I wonder if his girlfriend knows where he gets his momey?

Have you tried asking her @Fireplays

Maybe, if it's not happened yet, the girl, her family, you, your husband and son, should all sit down and sort things out between you...so you all know what's happening and why.

I agree that it's time to involve outside help. They wont take the baby away, but they may be able to offer alternative help.