To have said I won't be having grandson anymore?

[Fireplays]

My ds is 16 and teen years have been really difficult tbh with his behaviour and school attendance and just general attitude to everyone. He smokes weed and vapes and went completely off the rails, he was brought home by police a few times etc and as you can imagine it was an extremely stressful time.

He failed all his GCSEs, did he care? Nope. He currently goes to college but is on his last warning for attendance as he just wont get up in the morning.

He has a gf and she gave birth to their baby in June last year so he's now 8 months, considering she was heavily pregnant she did do well in her GCSEs and started a apprenticeship in January this year. I don't know what she sees in him tbh.

Before her apprenticeship started she asked me if I would have grandson 2 days a week and her mum has him the other days. I agreed and I usually pick him up at about 8:30 and have him all day I give him a bath here and get him ready for bed and usually drop him off at about 6. I also have him the odd afternoon if I can if her mum has somewhere to be as she also has younger children so it could be an appointment or whatever for them.

My son is at college (or supposed to be) during this time but even when he's home he doesn't do much for baby as “his gf asked me to babysit not him”.

The other day he came home from wherever and went to work on his motorbike.
I've told him today that if he gets kicked off his course then I won't be having grandson anymore and it'll be up to him to care for him and he flipped it back on me and accused me of not wanting to spend time with dgs and called me cruel etc and told his gf so now she's messaging me too

Was I really in the wrong?

It’s a hard one because of course, by rights, it’s his job to do half of the caring for the baby and not yours to do any of it!

But at the same time, it’s not actually hurting him if you say no, it’s hurting the gf and possibly her mother too, who may end up stepping in. And of course the baby!

Your son isn’t going to end up stepping in if you step out. And it doesn’t sound like he’s capable of it.

I think you’ll have to think of a different sanction that actually hurts him - something financial possibly?

She shouldn't have to do it alone, but she did also decide to have this child. She was the only one who got a say in that.

I just get fed up with people always thinking women are an unending resource of time and care. I think I'd break if anyone else got added to my plate.

Invest in GS and his mother.
She is trying to build a better life.
It is your son who is the issue.
Don't punish the other two.

Your son may mature and appreciate you one day.

How ironic that you’re “fed up with people always thinking women are an unending resource of time and care”, while expecting the grandson’s mother to somehow manage an apprenticeship and a full week of childcare.

Not at all ironic. The child is the mother's responsibility. Not OP's. I cared for my children without any help. They were my responsibility to care for. Women always seem to be the default for care that they aren't directly responsible though. If I break, I'm no good to anyone and those currently being supported by me have no-one and the state will have to put massive resources into those situations. Ultimately not my problem and I could walk away, but I don't. Sometimes the least selfish thing is to say no more. I suppose you're lucky to not understand how that can be.

We are all responsible for our own children. Anything grandparents do is a bonus, not a right. At least none of mine had any teen pregnancies.

We are all responsible for our own children

Which is exactly why OP needs to help her grandchild. Her child created him, as a child. She raised him poorly. That’s not the grandson’s fault.

Do it so the mother has a chance once she is inevitably a single mother. As for him stop doing ANY AND ALL parenting. No cooking washing lifts shopping money and tell him you too busy parenting his child to look after him

I think you and your husband need to focus on your son first without any reference to his baby.

1. Give him the chance to sit down and explain how he is funding his drugs, vapes and motorbike.
2. Then take him to his room and search his room for drugs/cash/burner phones/expensive new items
3. Give him the chance to sit down and explain himself for what you find
4. If you don't find any of the above, make it absolutely clear that any drugs or associated items will result in you phoning the police to arrest and remove him.
5. If you do find any of the above, phone the police to arrest and remove him.

Take the bike keys off him.If he won't hand them to you or if leaves on his bike, phone the police and report him for possibly driving whilst on drugs. My kids have known from an early age that any involvement with drugs will be dealt with in this way.

This isn’t about your son. This is about your relationship with your grandchild and your grandchild’s mother. I would separate the two. Don’t risk your relationship with your GC and the mother, because of your son’s separate behaviour. Support her. Don’t punish her because of your son’s behaviour

It's unfair to say I raised a deadbeat and I'm doing nothing. I have grandson 2 days a week, they live here so I don't see how that's nothing @whatsgoingoninmybrain

His gfs dad doesn't live with her mum and doesn't really see grandson, my husband works but does help with babysitting if he has an early finish. I work 3 days a week.

As for DS, no he doesn't have anything new or anything like that. He can legally ride his bike which i’m not happy about but he can. I can't just kick him out, he's 16.

He's my only biological dc though my SS lives here ft. Social services aren't involved, my son is 16, his gf 17 (she's October born so oldest than ds but still were in the same year group) that's not a concern to them

He often says he's tired so doesn't want to get up but grandson is generally a good sleeper apart from the odd nights when he's teething so it's not that and his gf gets up fine and you just have to get on with it with a baby, I couldn't have exactly called in work and said I couldn't come in as I was tired, none of us could.

He doesn't have a job, I meant work on his bike as in, in the garage fixing it etc (I don't actually know as this was what he and dh were doing and now just him)

💧💧💧💧💧

Its funny how you’re re-writing the story because someone is calling you out.

At 16, yes, more has to be done there. Hopefully he can turn around and step up.

My point is just that it's okay if OP can't do it. I don't know what else she has on her plate. Is it really good to hand a baby over to someone who might be on the edge of burnout, for example? It doesn't sound like OP is in this place but someone has to say to OP that she can say no here if she just can't.

I actually couldn't offer much in care in OP's situation. Young kids are sick all the time. I have someone living in my home that is seriously immune compromised. To protect them, I could only have the baby when they are well. If the baby makes them sick, the care needs go up and I'm even less able to take care of a baby. Unless it's one of those magic babies that just sits in one place in a hospital room for hours (had a couple of those when I did foster care).

Sometimes grandparents can't step up, and that's okay to acknowledge. There are always options though, which I know from when the situation allowed me to work.

You’re putting your own feelings onto the OP.

Do you allow your son to use drugs in your home?Because if you do, you are failing him as a mother and putting your grandson at risk of significant harm.

Life isn't fair.

its not fair on the girl they they both had sex that ended up producing a baby. She's stepped up while he's walked away.

It's not fair her mother is doing childcare 3 days a week, but she is.

it's not about fairness or whether the girl could have had a termination.

the FACT is the baby is here.

it is up to the OP whether she supports her Grandson & his Mum or not.

I'm not rewriting things. I've said this in my OP about what I do.

Yes, I've admitted I am projecting massively in an earlier post. I really just wanted to tell OP that if she has good reason she can't do it, then that is okay because she matters too.

Have you asked what your son wants? Like sit down, calmly and talk? He must know that no college or job isn't going to be an option going forward.

With the history of weed, any chance he could be dealing? I don't want to worry you but a lot of the county lines these days involve kids your son's age. Does he go out a lot at night? You say he's tired all the time and can't be bothered makes me question why tired.

I really think you guys need to get to the bottom of what's going on with your son. While pushback and being a mouthy git can be normal for teens, he's much more destructive and self-destructive than that.

If he's always tired have you had him checked for depression, medical issues and drug use?

I wouldn't sell the motorbike, it could be very useful to get to work.

I would be laying down the law about him job hunting if he isn't putting the effort into college.

Apologises, I originally wrote my OP on my notes app as MN has a habit of refreshing. It musnt have copied but I also added “She lives here as we have more space and she has many younger siblings and her house is crowded, and we have a spare room which is grandsons room. She/they go to her mums from Friday night - Saturday night/Sunday afternoon. I know them living together isn't ideal with them being so young but they do have a baby together.” to my op

You better hope they don't create another baby for you to look after if you're allowing them to live together.

Where exactly do you think the kid is going to live?

You not having your grandson won't change your sons behavior, it'll just make your grandsons mum struggle to give him the best start she can as your son won't have the baby, he'll get her to do it. I would help her out to then in turn help your grandson as long as she is trying to better herself regardless of what your son is or is not doing.

They are only 16. They’re both children. I would carry on helping out with DGS and housing them until they’re 18.

You might want to explore what their housing options will then be, worth getting them on the housing register as soon as possible incase it’s years long depending on where you are.