To have said I won't be having grandson anymore?

[Fireplays]

My ds is 16 and teen years have been really difficult tbh with his behaviour and school attendance and just general attitude to everyone. He smokes weed and vapes and went completely off the rails, he was brought home by police a few times etc and as you can imagine it was an extremely stressful time.

He failed all his GCSEs, did he care? Nope. He currently goes to college but is on his last warning for attendance as he just wont get up in the morning.

He has a gf and she gave birth to their baby in June last year so he's now 8 months, considering she was heavily pregnant she did do well in her GCSEs and started a apprenticeship in January this year. I don't know what she sees in him tbh.

Before her apprenticeship started she asked me if I would have grandson 2 days a week and her mum has him the other days. I agreed and I usually pick him up at about 8:30 and have him all day I give him a bath here and get him ready for bed and usually drop him off at about 6. I also have him the odd afternoon if I can if her mum has somewhere to be as she also has younger children so it could be an appointment or whatever for them.

My son is at college (or supposed to be) during this time but even when he's home he doesn't do much for baby as “his gf asked me to babysit not him”.

The other day he came home from wherever and went to work on his motorbike.
I've told him today that if he gets kicked off his course then I won't be having grandson anymore and it'll be up to him to care for him and he flipped it back on me and accused me of not wanting to spend time with dgs and called me cruel etc and told his gf so now she's messaging me too

Was I really in the wrong?

I agree he needs some tough love. No bike (I'm sure you can get the keys from him at some point. He won't sleep with them in his pocket, will he?). Wifi off (this can be arranged that it only works with certain devices eg your laptop, phone, TV and not his). You feed him and clothe him and he is welcome to stay but no allowance.
The girlfriend goes home. There is zero need for them to live together, baby or no baby.
You have the baby two days a week (if you want to) only if your son goes to college and stays there. He has one chance. You check up on him. If he doesn't stay, that's it. He is then responsible for staying home and looking after his own child. If this wouldn't be safe, obviously that's not going to work though.
Alternatively the baby goes to nursery. Honestly what do you mean the girlfriend doesn't want it to go to nursery yet? She doesn't have a choice! You are pulling more than your own weight. They might be 16 but these kids seriously need to grow up QUICKLY and you and her parents need to work together on this.
I'd call an urgent meeting with all parents and kids involved and work out a plan that works for you

It's a very difficult situation OP, but you sound incredibly passive in relation to your son. Your mindset seems to be that there's nothing you can do about it and there's really no wonder he just does whatever the hell he likes because there are no consequences for his behaviour. Just one small example of this - people are suggesting you turn off the WiFi and your answer is you can't because you work from home. If you work online from home, you surely have the brains to change the internet password. If you're paying for his phone, set conditions for this and tell him you won't pay for it if he doesn't meet them. And don't. Hell would freeze over before I'd turn a blind eye to my 16 year old dealing drugs and just say 'I don't know where he gets his money from'. You really need to step up big time. I don't think it's fair to punish your grandson or his fab mum because you've enabled your son to be bone idle and useless.

The sooner the girl goes back to her parents, the better.
This relationship is unlikely to stay the course for life!
It's 99% sure it will end in them splitting up and the girl will have to find a place to live.
Her family are getting off scot-free other than a bit of child minding at a weekend.

All it's doing now is making the son more aware of this foolishness (OP says maybe the girl wasn't on the Pill. He should not have taken that chance and used condoms as well.)

Teenage girls 'trapping' their boyfriends by having a baby is a scenario as old as the hills.

He cannot move on with his life while being asked to care for a baby when he is a child himself. He's still classed as a minor.

Like it or not, the baby is here, and he will have him/her in his life for the next 18 years minimum, even if it's just a financial arrangment. When he does earn, he will rightly have to contribute, whether he is still with his young girlfriend or not.

Erm OP said the girlfriend's mum looks after GS the other three days of the week. The girlfriend is also a minor but is looking after their child. Bollocks to the 'girlfriend trapped him' nonsense. Please stop making things up to defend OP's son. He's already having enough excuses made for him. Time he stepped up and faced some real consequences for his own actions.

Turning the wifi off wouldn't do anything as he has data and it's not that he wants to stay home on his phone or gaming or whatever, he just doesn't want to get up and wants to carry on sleeping. The most common excuse is he's tired.

I have asked where he gets his money from, he just says his Christmas money (he didn't get a lot) or his gf but I don't know if he's telling the truth especially as his gf doesn't like him smoking weed so I doubt she’d happily give him the money for it

We have searched his room at random before but we found nothing and of course I'm concerned he could be dealing but we have no evidence and he's not going to admit to it. The only threat we've given him is if he rides his bike under the influence we will report him to the police but he hasn't as yet

I've not asked him to stay home for 2 days and care for the baby, I've said to him if he's kicked off his course he will have to as the only reason I'm babysitting is for them both to get an education

In the past I did try early help etc but they said they couldn't help as he didn't meet the threshold

You're just repeating the same excuses for him. What do you want people to say to you?

The girl's mum has the baby at a weekend but sometimes the OP also steps in if need be. It's not clearly explained. But the fact is the girl doesn't appear to live with her own parents.

The problem is the OP didn't explain everything fully at the start and has added more info later, some of it not really tying up.

If you think I'm defending her son maybe read my other posts!

You are way too passive as a parent, which is how it's got to this situation.

I feel so sorry for that poor baby.

That's not what OP said.

He isn't fit to look after his baby, and if the police have brought him home a few times, as you said earlier, he is wrong doing....get to the bottom of it.

But firstly take that bloody bike away.🙄

Sorry, OP but I think you are being a little passive now. What do you want to happen? It's not going to just change because you want it to, and your threats of not looking after the baby if he drops out of college are falling on dead ears. You're not helping any of the three children involved by being passive, in the long run.

He's tired because he's on drugs and seems to exist on energy drinks.

I have asked where he gets his money from, he just says his Christmas money (he didn't get a lot) or his gf but I don't know if he's telling the truth

You're very gullible.
You know he's lying but you won't own it and respond to it in an adult way.

The only threat we've given him is if he rides his bike under the influence we will report him to the police but he hasn't as yet

How would you know?
He could take off on his bike and take drugs with his mates and you'd never know.

Okay so post what she did say to clear it up.

I would just tell the girlfriend he doesn’t want a education clearly so from now on he will be looking after their DS, instead of being a bum.

Before her apprenticeship started she asked me if I would have grandson 2 days a week and her mum has him the other days. I agreed and I usually pick him up at about 8:30 and have him all day I give him a bath here and get him ready for bed and usually drop him off at about 6.

“She lives here as we have more space and she has many younger siblings and her house is crowded, and we have a spare room which is grandsons room. She/they go to her mums from Friday night - Saturday night/Sunday afternoon. I know them living together isn't ideal with them being so young but they do have a baby together.” to my op

@Fireplays who is looking after this baby and when?
You've said different things.
You say her parents have the baby Friday to Sunday. Who has him over the week? Them?
Where are you dropping him off and when? If her parents look after him at a weekend, why are you picking him up and dropping him off?

That's not the answer.
Why leave a vulnerable baby in the care of an immature 16 year old who is probably drugged up most of the time?

I know times have changed but I can’t get my head around how he’s ended up like this. I’m early 30s, at 15 I had a Saturday job and was doing well at school . I can’t even imagine how my parents would have reacted if I took drugs and got pregnant and didn’t turn up for school - it just wasn’t an option. I wasn’t allowed to run wild - I certainly wouldn’t have a bike, a mobile phone or money. Does he have cash? My dad would have been searching me/ my room daily and confiscating the money off me.

The girls mum doesn't have grandson at the weekend. DS and his gf do. Her mum has him Mon-Weds, she picks him up during the school run and drops him back here at the evening when his gf is back. ds and his gf usually go to her mums at the weekends but we occasionally do things together

I'm exhausted from constantly worrying about him, you would've thought the police bringing him home would scare him but it hasnt. I may sound passive but I'm at my wits end. When his behaviour changed he had the same friends from primary school, all nice lads and they continued and from FB a lot of them got high GCSE grades last summer. When ds started to change the friends backed off and wanted nothing to do with him and he wasn't very nice to them tbh he called them names constantly like nerds and others .

I was furious with dh for getting him the bike and it hasn't helped his behaviour like he thought it would with giving him something to focus on as he's not interested in sport etc it's just made things worse because that's all he cares about and he looks after that bike better than his son tbh.

When grandson was poorly he wanted to cuddle ds and ds made a comment that he must be unwell if he's cuddling him but that's because he barely does anything with him.

I do feel for you, but it really is time you stopped being so passive and put-upon.
Your husband must play a bigger part in getting your son under control. It sounds like he is pulling against you not with you.
He was a fool to buy your son that bike....it's time for him to admit he was wrong, and do something about it.

But you act like this has just 'happened' but you've allowed him to contribute nothing to his family, work, etc.

You have no idea where your teenage son is getting his money from. He isn’t taking any responsibility for the child he made. He has no ambitions for his future and is about to be kicked out of college.

And yet, you are blaming his girlfriend for the fact she became pregnant, accusing her of lying about contraception (as if your son didn’t have options.) You also think her mother is to blame for talking openly with her daughter about having sex. This is a girl who has made sure she is working to provide for her son, trying to find a career that will set her up and has shown maturity beyond her years in becoming a mother.

You can disagree with her mother’s parenting, but the words glasshouses and stones come to mind.

You made a commitment to look after your grandson on which his mother has organised her work life. You want to renege on that deal because you are struggling to parent your son. She is once again being punished for his failures. Don’t do that.

You're asking for solutions? The bike belongs to your husband if he bought it.If you're too weak to demand your son hands the keys over, take the wheels off. Or lock it.Personally, I would get the keys and sell the bike and put the money in a savings account for your grandson.
Who cares if your son is hostile?
He's walking all over you and your husband because you've taken the easy way out.
You're his parents, you don't have to explain yourselves to him.
If you don't model calm, assertive authority to him, it will be too late.Do you want to be in the same situation when he is 18?

Op when did you last take his phone and really trawl through it? Have you looked at advice for parents online how to properly check as some apps have hidden sections?

If his behaviour change is sudden, you don't reliably know where he is during the day, he's coming back smelling of weed and he has large enough sums of money that noone can explain then this needs to be reported to social services and he needs a safeguarding assessment done. The money, the drugs and the attitude are coming from somewhere. You need to make it your mission to find out where.

The place to start is with his phone. You also need to have a really open conversation with your dh to be sure he's not secretly giving him money and I'd be asking the gf too.

You said this- She/they go to her mums from Friday night - Saturday night/Sunday afternoon.

The you said this-
The girls mum doesn't have grandson at the weekend. DS and his gf do.

I think anyone would interpret that as meaning your son, his girlfriend and the baby stay with her parents over a weekend.

So her parents do have him but your son and GF are there as well.