To have said I won't be having grandson anymore?

[Fireplays]

My ds is 16 and teen years have been really difficult tbh with his behaviour and school attendance and just general attitude to everyone. He smokes weed and vapes and went completely off the rails, he was brought home by police a few times etc and as you can imagine it was an extremely stressful time.

He failed all his GCSEs, did he care? Nope. He currently goes to college but is on his last warning for attendance as he just wont get up in the morning.

He has a gf and she gave birth to their baby in June last year so he's now 8 months, considering she was heavily pregnant she did do well in her GCSEs and started a apprenticeship in January this year. I don't know what she sees in him tbh.

Before her apprenticeship started she asked me if I would have grandson 2 days a week and her mum has him the other days. I agreed and I usually pick him up at about 8:30 and have him all day I give him a bath here and get him ready for bed and usually drop him off at about 6. I also have him the odd afternoon if I can if her mum has somewhere to be as she also has younger children so it could be an appointment or whatever for them.

My son is at college (or supposed to be) during this time but even when he's home he doesn't do much for baby as “his gf asked me to babysit not him”.

The other day he came home from wherever and went to work on his motorbike.
I've told him today that if he gets kicked off his course then I won't be having grandson anymore and it'll be up to him to care for him and he flipped it back on me and accused me of not wanting to spend time with dgs and called me cruel etc and told his gf so now she's messaging me too

Was I really in the wrong?

I wouldnt punish your DGS or his mum because of DS.

But I do think you need to talk to DS about consequences for DS, just not ones that impact DGS.

This.

Be wary. Yes your grandson 's welfare is paramount but it sounds like your son's gf is trying to better herself. Despite you undoubtedly bonding with him, there's every chance that one day she may well move on and you won't see your grandson for dust

Your DS is still a child and needs your help.
Your grandson even more so.

Im confused about why your son and his girlfriend are allowed to dictate so much! If she doesn’t want her child to go to nursery / childminder then she should either stop work, get your son to care for the baby or see if her mum will care for them more. They are both (especially your son!) are of doing what they want with little cares in the world. No one made them have a baby and they need to face the consequences. I’m afraid l am also confused about what your sons girlfriend sees in him, he sounds like a lazy no hoper dead beat dad

Personally I'd continue to have the baby and support baby's mum but if my son was like that he'd be out in his ear. Where has he got the money for a motorbike?!? Because I'd wager he's paying naff all towards that baby!

Kick your son out but keep having the grandkid. Your son is not going to maintain a relationship with this baby anyway is he so try to look at who this is really punishing, your grandson (as it will stop his mum doing well) and the babies mum.

It's not impossible, I was quite an immature teenager, got pregnant at 16 and had the baby just after I turned 17. Moved out and raised my daughter who is now an adult. Just because someone is young it doesn't mean they can't step up when they need to.

You son is a waste of space but things can be different for your GS if you help his um build a life for them.

Op, if the baby and her mum live with you why did you say you pick him up at 8.30 to look after him?

Help the mother so she can be financially stable and provide a good life for your GS. That’s the most amazing start in life your GS can have. Your son sounds useless, maybe that will change, maybe it won’t. But if you help the mother set herself up that will be the beginning of a good and stable life for your GS. If you really don’t want to do it anymore at least give plenty of notice so the mum can organise alternatives and offer to help in emergencies etc.

Your 16 year old has got himself into a really crap situation. I can see why you're at a loss as to what to do. In a way your babysitting help is enabling him to continue to underfunction, but in another way, he is still a child himself and the responsibility of caring for a child is clearly way too much for his current capacity, so withdrawing your support doesn't seem likely to help bring about a change in his behavior.

It does sound like he's really lost his way from the boy he once was. Have you asked him how he feels about this? He sounds like he might be depressed and feeling no confidence in himself or his ability to have a positive future. The weed smoking most likely is not helping. It's interesting that his good friends have distanced themselves.

I think as a parent, I would sit him down in a calm way and ask him how he feels about his current situation (keeping your feelings and thoughts to yourself-only expressing your concern and care). Ask what his dreams are for the future and help him make a plan. I find that conversations with teenage boys tend to go better when you're side by side, doing an activity together or you're driving them somewhere. Maybe you could offer to take him out to do something fun and chat in the car or on the train or something. I think he needs to see you as being on his side and there to help him, (even if internally you're exasperated with his crap attitude). Try not to tell him what to do, but instead ask things like, what could you do about that? How could you achieve that? etc.

The GF has a perfectly capable mother of her own who she admires for raising her siblings at home and not going to nursery too soon.

Why does OP have to be involved? Other than as an occasional babysitter?

Only so her son can have his GF living with him?

Even if you remove the baby from the picture he is:

1. Not attending college properly
2. Not working
3. Smoking weed
4. Getting bought home by the police

Aside from the fact he made a baby at such a young age with little regard for the impact it would have on his own life, let alone the child and those around him, maybe thats why hes getting "roasted"

I feel very sorry for your GS in this. I don’t say DGS because he doesn't sound very dear to you. You appear to be using him as a way of punishing your son. If you really don't want a relationship with your GS, then refuse to have him and accept that you won’t play a part in his future.

Omg there are some harsh comments on here!
OP I see both sides,,and it’s a HUGE thing that thy live with you, those being harsh about your attitude are failing to take that into consideration!
Is she contributing at all, is she eligible for UC, as it seems like a massive undertaking on your side to have the GF and GS living with you for free, plus providing onsite child minding while he just carries on as usual!
I think saying you won’t look after the child when he’s available is totally reasonable, he was old enough to make the baby, now he needs to step up!
Id be tempted to get rid of the motorbike but appreciate that could cause a riot, and the smoking weed is a big issue, particularly as to where he’s getting the money for it.
I don’t have any other advice but just to say ignore the haters, you’re entitled to be pissed off that your son is putting you in this situation and I hope you find a solution x

There's a lot more going on but I wonder if your son would benefit from a support group for young fathers? It might help his confidence as a parent, so hopefully he'll step up more. He'll also have peers to talk to about it all.

Poor baby! Sounds like he will be the loser. You wont be punishing your son. Just your grandson. Your son is 16,vapes,cant get up in the morning.Smokes weed and you are seriously saying he should be responsible for a little helpless baby. He clearly cant even be responsible for himself. I hope there are no serious repercussions for the baby.

Your son is not remotely interested in his baby son. He smokes weed too and perhaps uses other substances as well. Do you really think it's safe to leave a baby in his 'care'??
Message the GF back and apologise. Say of course you will put her baby and herself first, she must be frantic with worry about the future shes trying to build!! As your Grandson grows up, he will realise who cares and who is there for him, so what if its not his Dad!! I would honestly pack up your Boy and chuck him out too it might be the making of him.

does he have ADHD?

In this case my focus would be in my grandson and his mother. I would not stop having him. She sounds hard working and it’s not fair to take it out on her or your grandchild. Hopefully your son will mature in time.

The baby is being looked after with support from both maternal and paternal grandmothers, both parents are housed and enrolled in college (for now at least.) Social services aren't called just on the basis of parents being young. If op's ds continues down a bad road, drugs etc.. they might be called one day though.

I agree with advice to continue to support the grandchild, mother and try to help ds. But if you're tired and it's too much be honest as the couple are probably entitled to free childcare somehow. Maybe work will suit ds better than college? Weed can really ruin lives and take away all motivation from young people, people may scoff at that but I've known it happen.

Agreed

I've heard of a similar story - family rally around feeling "sorry" and not wanting the baby to end up in care so GM's pull together and parents (teenagers) live their life as normal - and within a few years more children are brought into the mix and the cycle continues!

It's a hard place to be OP

You didn't choose to have this grandchild- your DS cannot demand resources to look after his child, cruelty doesn't enter into it, it's his child, I would make you position clear from your point of view to his GF- she is much more likely to be able to get through to your son.
Worse case scenario your son is kicked out doesn't get a job and goes on to have more children- where will it end? You have a duty to yourself to draw a line in the sand, personally I think you are being very liberal personally i would make him move out , he can get a job and support his family, or not, it's up to him. Why should you support him, he is doing nothing to deserve it?