Page 13 | To have said I won't be having grandson anymore?

Original poster

Fireplays · 24/02/2026 15:41

BertieBotts · 24/02/2026 15:33

it feels whatever we do he throws it back in our face. We've really tried with him, tough love, calm talks, boundaries anything. I don't see how from just a short post posters are saying we don't/didnt parent him. And to posters saying he didn't become like this overnight - he did!

OP have you ever considered having him assessed for ADHD? The "overnight switch" is one way ADHD can present, as often with ADHD, the person is unaware that they are experiencing difficulties relative to others their age and they are resting heavily on strategies to compensate for these difficulties, often strategies like intelligence or quick-thinking, being very good at cramming or "winging it" at the last minute, being articulate/charming making people give them the benefit of the doubt, or giving a false impression that they have understood/remembered something they might not have grasped. This is not always obvious to outside observers such as parents, teachers etc.

The problem with compensatory strategies is that they are like a house of cards holding the whole thing up, and the demands on executive functioning (which is the name for the brain processes behind self-directed action towards a non-immediate goal, which are highly impaired in ADHD - this is everything relating to organisation, self-motivation, self-discipline, time management, impulse control, emotional regulation) increase sharply throughout secondary school and into young adulthood.

So when something stops working, which might happen because they have aged out of certain support (e.g. homework stops being as heavily supervised, projects are given as a whole thing rather than broken down into steps) or just the expectations of them increase because they are assumed to be able to manage (e.g. academic level increases past a level they can wing it, or they have more unsupervised time with friends) and because they still can't manage whatever thing it is they struggle with, but their compensation strategy to get them out of trouble is no longer working either, everything starts to fall apart and then the pressure of one thing failing leads to the next and it can look like a very sudden collapse, seemingly out of nowhere - particularly if something destructive like drugs is involved.

People will probably jump on me for suggesting it, but it is common and it is one possible factor which could be present and if it is present, it helps to know because there is medication and also strategies (and simply the understanding is something in itself).

I've seen the "sudden" turnaround in myself (went from straight A student assumed to be on track for university, to failing and then not bothering to go to class, getting a really unsuitable bf, dumping him but then rebounding with someone who seemed more sensible but was a car crash in other ways, teen pregnancy, single motherhood, almost drowned with the responsibility/overwhelm) and my eldest (went from doing OK at a prestigious school to just not turning up and scraping the bottom of the barrel with his grades, fingers crossed we caught this in time) and the opposite way with DS2 (went from angry chaos goblin who could not cope with school/school could not cope with him, to the point we were all querying whether he needed a special school, constant arguments at home, to a quirky but cheerful, cooperative and motivated child literally overnight on starting medication).

I haven't thought if ADHD and its never been mentioned before. The school did mention dyslexia but he was given an assessment and it turned out he didn't have it and that was it

OP posts:

OrangeOpalFruits · 24/02/2026 15:52

So he's your son, and his stepfather bought him a moped.
That means your husband has to accept your demand he disables the moped and stores it somewhere else or preferably sells it.
If he won't, then I'm afraid you have a son and a husband who have no respect for you.

Tootiredcantsleep · 24/02/2026 16:04

Has he done his theory test and the compulsory basic training to enable him to ride the moped? He mentioned him getting it before he was 16, but he wasn't allowed to ride it at that stage surely? That would be illegal...

EmeraldShamrock000 · 24/02/2026 16:07

He is an a hole. Selfish little boy.

OliviaWhatshername · 24/02/2026 16:11

I think it is a moped but ds calls it a motorbike and was talking about getting another in the future, when I tell him he needs a job for that he just shrugs

So your son has a bike and you don't even know what it is or the size of the engine?

And it's only now you've said the man in your life is his stepdad.

BertieBotts · 24/02/2026 16:12

Signs of dyslexia which then turned up negative on an actual dyslexia assessment could point to other ND conditions - such as ADHD. Most ND "umbrella" conditions (dyspraxia, dyslexia, ADHD, ASD, Tourettes etc) have some overlap and often in the areas which seem less obvious e.g. one overlap between dyslexia and ADHD might be things like structure of writing being all over the place, or struggling to remember the whole sentence that they just read (when beginning to read especially).

It tends not to be flagged by schools unless there is persistent difficulty with staying on task or hyperactivity, even though this is really outdated and not all children with ADHD display these symptoms, it's understandable because the name suggests those two issues as being the most prominent ones.

The signs you'd generally see are in younger childhood, tantrums persisting past the "usual" age/a sense of big emotions or emotional immaturity, always wanting to be right or not seeming to grasp the sensible stopping place for something, daily routines being a battle or needing lots of reminders, in middle childhood the common things are losing items constantly, needing to be peeled away from screens if they are not limited severely, excessive whining/complaining, extremes over food ie either always hungry pestering for food, or OTOH being very fussy or eating little. Winding people (esp siblings) up is also a common theme, as well as a frequent cry of "It's not FAIR!!"

The signs in adolescence are tricky because they are basically just normal puberty but turned up a lot in volume, but difficulty with normal sleeping/eating patterns, excessive argumentative behaviour or rudeness seemingly for the sake of it, messy/disorganised, seeming lazy ie underperforming relative to their previous ability or what you know they could do, or seeming unmotivated/so laid back they are horizontal/it being like pulling teeth to get them to do anything. Forgetful but resent reminders, often late/does everything at last minute, easily distracted, prone to impulsive or dopamine-seeking behaviour, blames everyone else when something goes wrong OR goes into self-pity spiral.

Not everyone ticks every box so these are just a rough idea. I could be completely on the wrong track, but it might be something to look into. There are free screeners online.

Boomer55 · 24/02/2026 16:22

Your son is taking the rise. He’s immature abd incredibly stupid for helping to create a child at his age.

Look after the baby if you want to, but let your son get on with it.

AcrossthePond55 · 24/02/2026 16:42

@Fireplays

I think dh won't want to take it off him as even when I wasn't happy with him actually riding it due to the danger and ds clearly isn't sensible, he said he was growing up and cars can be just as dangerous.

So who is talking about giving him a car? And what does 'danger' have to do with it. He needs to lose the bike because of his behaviour and attitude, not because of 'danger'.

You say you are 'tired and at your wit's end'. We've all been there. But as parents will still have to buck ourselves up and carry on even when we think our last ounce of strength and patience is gone. If he were in lost in the woods (which he sorta is) would you ever be so 'tired and wit's end' that you wouldn't try to find him and save him?

If you don't find a way to deal with this, what do you think the end result will be? Prison or 'worse'? Think about the end of this 'journey' he's on if something drastic isn't done.

PS, to the best of my knowledge mopeds have pedals, motorbikes have foot pegs. Easy to tell at a glance which is which.

ERthree · 24/02/2026 17:21

please don't punish this lass, she is trying hard to forge a future. Your son is bloody useless and the only way he will grow up is to boot his arse out the door. He has shown he has no interest in anyone but himself so stop enabling him.

croydon15 · 24/02/2026 18:07

SunshineMel678 · 23/02/2026 18:46

I would prioritise the well-being of my 8 month old grandson.

His mum sounds responsible and hard working. You should continue to care for baby so she can build a future for this baby.

Your son does not sound safe or mature enough to care for a demanding 8 month old.

This - that poor little 8 month old has not asked to be born and needs looking after. A 16 year old boy is still a child and not responsible enough to look after a baby, hopefully your son will mature sooner than later, not an enviable situation.

dcthatsme · 24/02/2026 18:12

I have to say ADHD did occur to me. If there was no defining event and a switch flipping moment could be puberty and ADHD kicking in. Not being able to organise yourself at school, overwhelm with the demands of adolescence and school work/college work. Turning to drugs to get the dopamine. I think it would be worth trying to get him assessed if you possibly could. This is something I experienced many years ago and it was only years later that I realised that my struggles were likely due to ADHD. Good luck!

dementedmummy · 24/02/2026 18:13

Fireplays · 23/02/2026 18:38

My ds is 16 and teen years have been really difficult tbh with his behaviour and school attendance and just general attitude to everyone. He smokes weed and vapes and went completely off the rails, he was brought home by police a few times etc and as you can imagine it was an extremely stressful time.

He failed all his GCSEs, did he care? Nope. He currently goes to college but is on his last warning for attendance as he just wont get up in the morning.

He has a gf and she gave birth to their baby in June last year so he's now 8 months, considering she was heavily pregnant she did do well in her GCSEs and started a apprenticeship in January this year. I don't know what she sees in him tbh.

Before her apprenticeship started she asked me if I would have grandson 2 days a week and her mum has him the other days. I agreed and I usually pick him up at about 8:30 and have him all day I give him a bath here and get him ready for bed and usually drop him off at about 6. I also have him the odd afternoon if I can if her mum has somewhere to be as she also has younger children so it could be an appointment or whatever for them.

My son is at college (or supposed to be) during this time but even when he's home he doesn't do much for baby as “his gf asked me to babysit not him”.

The other day he came home from wherever and went to work on his motorbike.
I've told him today that if he gets kicked off his course then I won't be having grandson anymore and it'll be up to him to care for him and he flipped it back on me and accused me of not wanting to spend time with dgs and called me cruel etc and told his gf so now she's messaging me too

Was I really in the wrong?

Question - when he comes how smelling of stuff, is it sweet? If so, you might want to get your DS to the doc pretty quickly as this combined with tiredness could be an indicator of diabetes. It may also explain the change in personality. When my friend was younger, we started to be able to tell when she was going to take a hypo as her entire personality changed. I wouldn't wish diabetes on anyone but it might be a nicer explanation that he has just become a wrong un so to speak.

Do you know that you can change the WiFi password as an alternative so you can still work but he can't access it?

As you pay his phone contract, you can also reduce the amount of data he is allowed?

Why does he look after his child at his in-laws but not at home? Is he masking so much at the weekends that he falls apart during the week when he is home and in his safe space? In any event a 16 yr old should not be tired all the time so deffo get him checked out

GreenCaterpillarOnALeaf · 24/02/2026 18:23

I think you have every right so say you won’t have your grandson, but you need to consider that his mum needs to get her qualifications for his sake. His dad (your son who you raised) is a bum, so he’s going to really need a mum who can step up and provide. You have an opportunity to facilitate this by helping her out. This child has had a bad start in life so anything that ups his chances is a great help.

YankBrit · 24/02/2026 18:29

I think if you stop caring for your grandson you’ll be punishing the wrong people - and eventually yourself. You’ll want a relationship as your grandson grows up, and he will love you.
My grandson is in prison for five years (he did something stupid) and I write him weekly and am in touch with daughter and sil constantly. (They are in New Jersey and I am in London so my visiting is a little difficult…) He does now listen to me!
I’d be concentrating on your son - I’d be telling him that if he gets thrown off the course he’ll have to start paying rent, and if the child’s mother wants, she can take him to court for maintenance. I’m not sure I’d wait until he “grows up”. ( Some men never do.) Start making demands on him NOW. How will he ever learn else?

BillieWiper · 24/02/2026 18:34

It's kind of unfair on the child and it's mum as where will the baby go? It seems like other GPs already do their share.

Your son does need to finish his studies and you also say he works? If you looking after the baby enables him to do either of those then I think you should continue. Until they can afford childcare.

The baby's mum sounds responsible which is great. It's true she'd be better off not being with him probably.

But when your son is at home he needs to care for the baby. Has he actually patented alone at all yet?

OneShyQuail · 24/02/2026 18:36

Surely you can see that

The bike has to go
He needs a job
You can decrease his data/cancel his phone
You can change the WiFi password so everyone else can access it.

Time for some tough love. And a visit to the doctor to check for any underlying issues that could be making him tired.

Onefortheroad25 · 24/02/2026 18:38

I wouldn’t leave your son minding the cat let alone an 8 month old baby.
I know it must be really tough but if you can, continue minding your grandson. For his sake and for his mum’s sake. Maybe she’ll get to finish her apprenticeship and qualify, Your son sounds like a dead loss. Maybe he’ll grow up in a few years.

traveltraveltravel78 · 24/02/2026 18:40

He isn't mature enough to be a father.
Don't what your grandson during the week? If you do, you're cutting off your nose to spike your face. At least his girlfriend has her head screwed on! The baby will have one decent parent (sorry op).

OliviaWhatshername · 24/02/2026 18:41

GreenCaterpillarOnALeaf · 24/02/2026 18:23

I think you have every right so say you won’t have your grandson, but you need to consider that his mum needs to get her qualifications for his sake. His dad (your son who you raised) is a bum, so he’s going to really need a mum who can step up and provide. You have an opportunity to facilitate this by helping her out. This child has had a bad start in life so anything that ups his chances is a great help.

But the mother of this baby (GF) has a caring family where she ought to live.
They can't refuse to take her legally as she's 17.
Just because space is tight there isn't a good enough reason to say she can't.
Her own parents are equally responsible for her, the mistake she made and the baby.

IMO the son needs 100% focus from his parents to get himself sorted without the distraction of a baby and a girlfriend who is likely to dump him.

Yes he's the 'father' but given the baby was conceived when he was 15, all he's done is provide some sperm and create an 'accident'. He's a million miles from being a father in terms of maturity. He's probably very very angry with himself and knows he's made a mess of his life. The rebellion is a way of deflecting his emotions - he's 'lost' emotionally. He needs firm, loving parenting with boundaries.

It's also relevant that the man in the home is not his father but a step father. I wonder how that family break up affected him and how long ago that was?

Additup · 24/02/2026 18:46

Greyhound98 · 23/02/2026 18:43

In these circumstances I’d continue to look after the baby so his mum can gain her qualifications. You’re doing her the favour not your son.
That way when she sees sense and dumps your son, she’ll have the ability to earn and provide for her child, and you’ll still have a good relationship with them both.
Hopefully your son will mature a bit and become more involved with his child. But for now, take him out of the equation.

This is really, really good advice.
I wish I was that level headed to come up with it!!

Bonkers1966 · 24/02/2026 18:48

I wouldn't even leave a dog with your son and I don't like dogs.

MyLittleNest · 24/02/2026 18:53

Based on your DS's behavior, maturity, and attitude, it is very likely that the GF will break up with him sooner than later.

If you want a relationship with your grandson, I'd talk honestly with the GF and her mother at this point. Your son is extremely immature and I pity the baby that your son is his father. He was clearly far too young to be a parent, and far, far too immature.

I'd also kick your son out as soon as you legally can or he will never grow up. He needs to learn the hard way, but the baby shouldn't be made a part of that.

TBH, I wouldn't want that baby around him. I agree with the poster who said that they wouldn't trust him with a dog, because I wouldn't trust him with mine!

LouiseK93 · 24/02/2026 19:00

Jesus Christ please do not let the baby be alone with your son.
I would still do the two days a week child care, your amazing for that and shes amazing still trying to make something of herself.
I know when they are 2 there is 15 hour a week entitlement for child care. Maybe theres childcare for people in apprenticeships? Maybe look into it.

TheEllisGreyMethod · 24/02/2026 19:01

You know you're being unreasonable because there is no chance your son will pick up when you drop it. He's a deadbeat. You'll punish the mum, the only parent trying to give your dgs a good future, you need to support her. It's for her and your Dgs, not your son.

everypageisempty · 24/02/2026 19:11

OneShyQuail · 24/02/2026 18:36

Surely you can see that

The bike has to go
He needs a job
You can decrease his data/cancel his phone
You can change the WiFi password so everyone else can access it.

Time for some tough love. And a visit to the doctor to check for any underlying issues that could be making him tired.

All this.

And he's not just 'being a nuisance' despite this:

The police brought him home on a few occasions for just being a nuisance etc and they did say this but on that occasion he was just caught up in it apparently

This is not the norm for the overwhelming majority of teenage boys: they're not being driven home by the police ever, let alone multiple times, because they were 'caught up in' things. You need to realise that your son is well down the wrong path and that this isn't run of the mill behaviour.

Please don't leave him alone with your grandson; he's not mature enough to be trusted, frankly.