Sister says my husband and I are selfish for wanting a child in our 40s

[MyTaupeSwan]

I’m 40 this year and my husband is 42 We have a son who just turned 4 and started school in September, and now we feel ready for another child. We left things quite late in terms of having kids we’ve been together 18 years, and in that time we’ve had a lot of fun, traveled, and done everything we could while we had the chance and without too many worries.

Now that we’ve finally settled down, we got married 9 years ago. We were one of those couples that were engaged for a few years not because we didn’t want to get married or weren’t sure, but because we wanted to experience other things before having a wedding. We did couples counseling to make sure we were a good match, both for parenting and for marriage. I was worried about repeating my mum’s mistakes, so I did individual counselling as well.

We’ve always wanted children, but we wanted to have our freedom and experiences first, because having a child is such a big commitment. We’ve faced a lot of judgment, mainly from my family, but we feel ready now. I think we’re great parents even though it’s only been four years, the journey has just begun. Our son is the light of our lives, and we really enjoy being parents.

I’m glad we got to do all the things we wanted before having children, but I do feel judged sometimes. My mum thinks I was selfish for not having kids in my late 20s. I’ve told her that we’ve been trying recently and struggling, but she doesn’t really offer support just says I’m old and should have done it when I was “more fertile.”

My husband and I have had a lot of conversations about this. We’ve decided that if trying naturally doesn’t work, we’ll try a few rounds of IVF, and if that doesn’t succeed, we’ll continue living our lives. We’re lucky to have our son, and he is incredibly loved.

Is 40 too late and are we being selfish.
Seeing my brothers and sister with all their children and their children having siblings, I want that for our son. Maybe I should have spent my 20s having children and we wouldn’t have this issue

Well I think you sound like absolutely fantastic parents and it bloody well isn’t selfish at all. Not everyone has the luxury of having kids in their 20s and not everyone wants them in their 20s. You could give birth at 20 and die at 40 . Ignore the idiots saying it’s selfish as it’s not. My mum had me in her 40s and is still roaring with health now in her 70s. I’ll be late 30s when I have my kids and if someone dares to say I’m selfish there will be words. I’m glad I got to experience life rather than getting pregnant at 20 and not living .

I’ve just had my last baby at 38. I had my eldest at 26. I definitely found pregnancy much harder and I have a few health concerns now which has made the post partum period a bit harder. I don’t know how much is age related and how much is to do with the fact I get less rest, as I have older children to look after and can’t just sleep when the baby sleeps. We have 6 children, for reference.
I do have a lot more money and better work/life balance now than I did when I had my first though so I do think there are benefits to having children a little older.

I don’t think it has anything to do with your sister!

I suppose it’s selfish in terms of how long your DC are likely to have you around, and how young they will be when they need to start looking after elderly you.

My DM had me at 20. She and my stepfather got together and had many years of travelling the world and living abroad between 40 and 70, so definitely haven’t missed out. The plus for me is that I’m 60 and still have my mum. Only very recently has she started to need physical help.

I unfortunately didn’t have my DC until I was 34 and 37, which to me is older than is ideal. My DD will only be early 40s when I’m 80.
I’m unlikely to be able to offer the same support to her when she has young children as my mum was able to help me. We are all sad about that.

You know nothing about me, including whether I have children or not. The world could of course end in the next 10 years. Remember who is in control of the nuclear weapons? And what's 10 years got to do with it anyway? Vast numbers of people will be displaced by climate change in the next few decades. Do you think that won't affect the UK? And a substantial part of London will go under water. That's just part of what is facing OP's as yet unborn 2nd child. Their world will be a far, far harder place than their parents' world was in their youth. And the decision not to have children will be pushed onto them, on top of everything else.

Ignore your sister and get on with your family. However, you cannot expect sympathy if you have trouble conceiving because you did know, I assume, that it takes longer when you are older (first child born when I was 39 - so no judgment from me). Good luck. XX

Like others have said, there is an increased risk of disability. You could ( possibly ) be giving your son a future where he has a severely disabled sibling and elderly parents . That's not much fun.

First comment nails it!

OP - What you decide to do or not do with your uterus couldn't be less of anyone's business!

I'm confused why the options on this thread seem to be having children in your 20s or 40s. What's wrong with early to mid 30s! After 35 is when fertility drops off quite sharply for women and disability probabilities [increase and for men it's around 40 - and it's got no relationship to how fit and healthy and active you are - it's just how aging works. If you want another child then go for it as soon as possible! I don't think its selfish to have a child at your ages - you sound like good parents but I wouldn't be waiting around at this point!

I assumed that no one could possibly be such a massive hypocrite as to call people selfish for having children when they themselves have children. Was I wrong to assume?

I don’t know how old you are, you sound very young because you talk like this is the first crisis the world has ever had to face. If humans stopped having children every time then we would have died out a long time ago. My grandparents were Polish Jews who managed to survive the holocaust - they moved to London after the war ended and went on to have their younger children under nuclear threat during the Cold War. It turned out ok.

You do not know what the future holds for OP’s child, or any of our children. You’re just regurgitating possible threats that you’ve read online and presenting them as irrefutable fact.

The obsession with the age 35 as a fertility threshold is outdated and unscientific. It is based on data from 1700s France church birth records. That's right - the 18th century. Source: https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-24128176 Public health has improved quite a lot since then. The pill didn't exist, and if they had most of their babies at age 20-30 they might have stopped having sex to prevent further pregnancy.

Use some 2004 data instead: 82% of women aged between 35 and 39 fell pregnant within a year.

You live in the city - do your mum, sister and wider family live rurally? Mine do, and they freak out about anyone over 35 being pregnant. My mum recently said she thought a pregnant 39 year old neighbour was too old 🙄 Meanwhile none of my city friends age 33-39 have had a baby yet.

Don't take the judgemental twats too seriously, do what's right for you.

I'm in my 40s with teens and shudder at the idea of having to cope with the baby/toddler stage again! It's not really any business of anyone else's, if you and DH feel you can cope with it, can afford the IVF etc. Plenty of people do start families late now. You'd have to go into it with eyes open, there is the increased risk of disabilities, and be aware you may be supporting your children/have them living at home until you are past retirement age. Make sure you plan financially and have wills and life insurance in place.

I've an older mum friend I met when we both had wee ones. She's in her 60s and should be approaching retirement, but is still partially or fully supporting young adult children as a single parent. The DC lost their dad young, he was 10 years older than her and died while they were still teenagers. Died without a will, had no life insurance, made no provision for them. Friend wants to retire and downsize, but young adult DC want to still be able to live at home because they're either low waged or underemployed and can't afford to move out. She deeply resents it, but doesn't feel she can push them out, both have had MH problems and it's not their fault she had them in middle age.

I'm not going to comment on your choice because it is, well, yours BUT I will say that like you I was (and am) fit and active but perimenopause hit me like a ton of bricks at about 44 and everything became SO MUCH harder: energy, mobility, strength... Maybe it will be easier for you; I hope it is--but if it happens get on HRT early!

I’m confused.

How have you been struggling if you just started trying?

I wanted to add a second perspective on IVF. I just went through the process for secondary infertility and can honestly say that it was a great experience. I understand that many many people have a difficult time with it but that wasn’t the case for me.

I did one egg retrieval, ended up with a few healthy (PGT tested) embryos and got pregnant on my first implantation.

My advice is go to a good private clinic and get started NOW. Don’t wait because even though my process was easy it’s still very time consuming. Push for fertility tests now, don’t wait for a failed transfer. Get your AMH tested, a saline ultrasound to make the uterus looks good, sperm tests, thyroid, get a uterine biopsy to test for bacteria. Start high dose of CoQ10 now for both you and your DH. Make sure you pay extra for PGT testing so you decrease chances of miscarrying.

There is an IVF positivity thread on Reddit that I recommend—stay off the other IVF threads because they are far too negative.

Good Luck!

The world would be a much better place if so many other people put as much thought into having children as you have done and invested in their relationship and life prior to having children. Your sister should be more worried about the number of children raised by teenagers and single parents. There are so many unwilling parents out there not raising the children that they ‘accidently’ have.

True that a 5 year age gap may mean they don't share the same interests as children. However a sibling is for life, and a 5 year age gap really isn't much as an adult.

Ignore her. Could she be jealous?

And surely you cannot be serious by any stretch of the imagination.

Begging your pardon, but I never implied that.
Because I never WOULD imply that.
Either you have me mixed up with somebody else or you’ve misunderstood what I wrote.
I would never suggest that in a thousand years, but I do apologise anyhow.

It’s perfectly fine. Ignore her and crack on.

Not selfish but I wouldn't wait much longer. I had mine at 39 and for a while I was the oldest parent at the school gates with 10 yr olds. Now im seeing mums and dads in their late 50s which means they had kids in their late 40s. They look tired like the rest of us!

Exactly, that's my experience. I was answering the poster claiming to be as energetic at 39 as in her forties. I just wanted to add that things can change quickly when you go into perimenopause.

I don’t understand why it’s selfish? Babies/kids are a lot of work, very expensive and you can’t turn them off or return them. I didn’t meet my DH til I was 39 and had two children in my 40s. No one batted an eye! Then again, many of my friends also had child/children in their 40s, my sister had one at 45, so normal.

It’s your choice and I understand wanting another, but I do agree it’s slightly selfish.
It makes it a bit better that you already have a child, but as child of parents who were a similar age, I won’t give the exact ages they were but let’s just say neither of my parents were here any more when I hit 30.
I know anyone can die or get ill at anytime but chances do increase as you get older. I feel really young to not have any parents.
However, I do understand wanting your child to have a sibling as that’s the reason I had my second.

This is rather a bleak view of things! There’s no time in human history where things seemed like a good time to bring kids into the world. Whether you were talking about holes in the ozone and the Cold War or climate change and AI…there have always been reasons to be scared. The focus of these fears just shift. Also, as someone whose brother is 8 years younger…it’s fine. I adore him, we’re super close. Five years is definitely no biggie 😂 Saints alive, there are some odd notions on this thread!