Sister says my husband and I are selfish for wanting a child in our 40s

[MyTaupeSwan]

I’m 40 this year and my husband is 42 We have a son who just turned 4 and started school in September, and now we feel ready for another child. We left things quite late in terms of having kids we’ve been together 18 years, and in that time we’ve had a lot of fun, traveled, and done everything we could while we had the chance and without too many worries.

Now that we’ve finally settled down, we got married 9 years ago. We were one of those couples that were engaged for a few years not because we didn’t want to get married or weren’t sure, but because we wanted to experience other things before having a wedding. We did couples counseling to make sure we were a good match, both for parenting and for marriage. I was worried about repeating my mum’s mistakes, so I did individual counselling as well.

We’ve always wanted children, but we wanted to have our freedom and experiences first, because having a child is such a big commitment. We’ve faced a lot of judgment, mainly from my family, but we feel ready now. I think we’re great parents even though it’s only been four years, the journey has just begun. Our son is the light of our lives, and we really enjoy being parents.

I’m glad we got to do all the things we wanted before having children, but I do feel judged sometimes. My mum thinks I was selfish for not having kids in my late 20s. I’ve told her that we’ve been trying recently and struggling, but she doesn’t really offer support just says I’m old and should have done it when I was “more fertile.”

My husband and I have had a lot of conversations about this. We’ve decided that if trying naturally doesn’t work, we’ll try a few rounds of IVF, and if that doesn’t succeed, we’ll continue living our lives. We’re lucky to have our son, and he is incredibly loved.

Is 40 too late and are we being selfish.
Seeing my brothers and sister with all their children and their children having siblings, I want that for our son. Maybe I should have spent my 20s having children and we wouldn’t have this issue

I think this is quite a negative post but I appreciate the insight. I didn’t post this to get these sorts of replies I’m not expecting sympathy. This post has made me realise that my reality is skewed I guess I don’t have any friends that had their children before 30. Of my close friends from boarding school there’s 6 of us and one had a child at 32 the rest have had their firsts later, 3 of us had our firsts around the same time give or take a year difference.

My husband and I would like to have another child there’s no crime in that. We have had tests etc we have consulted professionals and not one has batted an eye at me wanting another child at 40. We have just started trying a few weeks in so I’m hopeful based on the results we’ve received regarding our health etc but I also know that it might not happen.

I've read all your posts and you come across as wonderful parents! I had the opposite experience and had children in early to mid 20s and now have my eldest about to turn 20 this year and I'm going to be 43. We've grown up with ours and had many struggles but now love being younger parents whilst their teens and getting a 2nd wind for career and travel. But each age has pros and cons. My siblings were late 30s/40 when they had kids.

I think what I would think further on is later down the line. Menopause and children with larger age gaps is going to be a tricky combo! If you're 50 and going through menopause juggling a 9/10 year old at primary school with very different interests, needs and demands to a teenage boy at secondary when there's lots of hormones circling around!

One question I do have that I don't think you've answered (sorry if you have!) - I understand waiting until when you had your son, but there's a big difference fertility wise from mid to late thirties in comparison to early forties. Why did you leave it so long after your son? A 2-3 year age gap would have made it a lot easier bringing them up together and you would have been late 30s and a little more manageable / less risk?

You’re healthy and active, so I think the thing that would hold me back is the risk of having twins! No harm in trying for a few years and seeing what happens. Not sure I’d do IVF as it sounds quite stressful and unhealthy for the woman, but I wouldn’t judge someone for going through it.

The more important factor I think is extended family and close friends. Since your parents are presumably older, will there be plenty of support for you and your children in your community, and will your children have enough adults around them who are fit and active enough to engage and also willing to do activities and days out.

I've just turned 40 and pregnant with our second child. Our first is turning five. I'd have loved to have the second sooner but it wasn't to be. We don't have the energy we did in our 20s but equally if we had been blessed with kids then, we wouldn't have had the maturity, mental health and stability we do now. Swings and roundabouts!

What a rude, judgemental post.

I don’t think you’ve been particularly selfish, maybe not that thought-out but that’s it. My biggest issue with your choice would be it ultimately means you get less time in this world with your lovely children. Obviously no time is guaranteed, but I’d hope to see my children grow up and lead happy adult lives, and the chances of that reduce the older you decide to have them. My grandma was 44 when she had my dad and although she lived to her eighties, she died when my dad was only 38 and her grandkids were all under 7. I just always felt it was sad she didn’t have more time with us.

My mum was 35 when she had me, so not the same I guess but. I Was born in 1978, she was the oldest mum in the playground. I am ashamed to say I was embarrassed because sadly I lost her a few years ago, she was 78.
i had my first baby at 20, he had a baby at 19 (none of this was ideal of course) but I am now 47 with 2 grown up children and 3 grandchildren,
yes I think you are selfish, you risk all kinds of complications, not to mention leaving your children and never seeing grandchildren!!
Children are not a burden and you could have had them and travelled, we take ours away all the time even as adults!
if I were you I would concentrate on the healthy child you have.

Most parents I know get by just fine without any significant support from grandparents, mainly due to geographical distance. It’s lovely to have but I don’t think it’s an essential consideration.

Wow, what a super critical, insensitive post

My mother had me at 18, I became her carer by the time I reached that age myself.

Having kids young is no guarantee you will be a healthy or present parent in their future. I've grandparents in their 80s that are healthier than my young mother and I hate to say they may also outlive her. She was in perfect health when she had me but illness and/or accident can strike anyone.
There's nothing wrong with people having kids in their 40s.

I'd rather have a somewhat healthy 60+ year old mother than be the adult carer for a very ill mother that isn't even 40 years old herself yet...

I would ignore all the negative comments and go for it. You sound in an ideal position to have another child. The only thing I would say though is maybe consider IVF with an egg donor as that will eliminate any chances of embryo defects and improve your chances of conceiving. That's what we did. We used an IVF clinic in Barcelona. Like you, I lived life to the full in my 20s and 30s and when I got to 40, we tried for a baby. After 6 miscarriages we then resorted to IVF using an egg donor and got pregnant pretty much straight away at 47 with twins. They are now 18, about to take their A'Levels, and I am 66 still working full time and have loved every minute being their mother and never felt my age was a setback, having the same energy levels as someone 10 years younger. So good luck and don't let anyone put you off.

Good on you op.
Go for it. You sound like a loverly caring woman.
And you have a plan.
Nothing wrong with having a child at any age.
You seem to have had a full life before having a child.
Your son will be proud of you being so giving to others on your travels.
And no child needs to be sitting around on a tablet or phone when he/she can be playing or involved in other things in your family life.

I had my last child at 38 ..he's now 16 and I'm 53 ....it's absolutely fine .no issues..so your equivalent would be me having a 14 year old now ..again I could easily do it..not an issue..I'm no more or less tired that I was in my 20s when I had the older children..but I am a tad more irritable,which I do try to rain in definitely go for it x

Sometimes it’s best to not tell others your plans. It’s your life and you need to do what makes you happy. I’ve been going through ivf for years.. my first fiance passed away when I was 32 I met my fiance 5 years ago… so obviously I’ve had to try later for a baby.. life can’t always be planned you just have to do what makes you happy and do what I do- tell no one 🤣

Firstly, I think the embarrassment over age is going to be very area/school specific - my mum was a similar age but it was normal at my school, a very young mum would have been far more of a spectacle!

Secondly, children will always find a reason to be embarrassed of their parents - Too old, too young, too fat, too poor…. So it’s probably not worth considering it too much.

I think you are a bit of a hypocrite to call the OP selfish when you and you bf had a baby at 20/19, which will inevitably have disadvantaged your child. You also vaguely mention ‘all kinds of complications’ when you clearly have no real idea what you are talking about.

Vile!

Look at what's happening to the world - Climate Change is accelerating rapidly, AI is going to destroy a vast number of jobs (traditionally middle class jobs will be the worst hit), the Arms race is back on, with more countries preparing to develop nuclear weapons, Islamic fundamentalism is spreading. And so on and so on. I wouldn't bring a baby into it. I think you'd be selfish, and not just because of your age, although that aspect of it seems selfish on its own. And obviously there would be a big age gap between your 2 children, though that's the least of the problems.

Selfish is a stupid word to use. I don’t see who you’re being selfish to, or how. There’s nothing selfish about making conscientious decisions around when to have children.

You’re fine, op. It’s your and your DP’s life and no one else’s. I think leaving a second child until 40 was maybe a bit risky in terms of fertility (if it’s something you really wanted), but there is no moral judgement against that. If you’re struggling then I would get to the GP or get on the IVF journey asap.

Humanity would’ve died out in the last ice age if people stopped procreating because of global issues.

We are mammals, to some degree having offspring is a typically an innate desire whether you like it or not (or desire it or not). There is nothing inherently selfish about it.

Yes and no. The minute we bring another person into the world, we must also consider their lives. DP and I are both children of older parents, and we, in turn, became older parents. We both lost parents relatively young as a result which impacted significantly on how our lives panned out. Sure, one never knows what is around the corner -a healthy young mum can be hit by a bus, and a more mature parent can live on until a ripe old age, but we are statistically more likely to become ill and infirm the older we are. I had DC at 36 and 39 am very conscious of the fact that, despite the fact that I'm quite fit and relatively healthy, my DC have no memories of me at my 'peak', and I will most probably have less 'good years' with them than their peers will have with their younger parents.

I think that humans are capable of, and have a moral duty to, consider the child before going ahead and having one because we'd like to be parents. It always dismays me how little people on these threads seem to think about what's in the child's interests. Personally, I would hate to be born now - the future is going to be very, very grim, and there is no prospect of any of the major problems being solved. In fact climate change is already unsolvable and with the help of Trump is forging ahead at speed. I'm sure OP and her husband have a lot going for them, but there's no real explanation for why they've waited so long, thus substantially increasing the risk of a disabled child and of miscarriages, as well as difficulty in conceiving. They could have started trying years ago. I also think that if the pregnancy happens the age gap will be longer than is ideal for the children (even if we're optimistic, it could well be over 6 years). However, those are secondary concerns, though worth mentioning.

I think it’s quite strange to feel that way when you had your DC at what I would have said was a very average age. Are your DC’s friend’s parents unusually young? I wouldn’t have thought many people have a memory of their parents at their ‘peak’ unless they had them as teenagers.

You seemed to have been very deliberate about your life choices, you will have known about fertility rates amongst women in their 20s, 30s and 40s (and men) from the beginning. So these are the consequences of your choices. There’s not much else to say, really.

Your mum and sister don’t have a say, as they won’t be dealing with the consequences.

As for it being “selfish” having a baby in your 40s: I don’t think that’s true if you have a healthy baby and you both remain healthy and employed. Trickier bouncing back from any one of those things going wrong when you’re older, though, and you and the children will pay the price. But, you are where you are. All the things you did in your 20s and 30s must have been worth all these risks. Only you can judge that.

At their age of 39, OP has not ‘substantially’ increased her risk of a disabled child, nor is the world going to end in the next 10 years. Politically it’s a scary time, but it’s not the first and it won’t be the last. Your opinion on our children’s future prospects is just that - an opinion.

As for the age gap thing - you don’t even have children, who on earth made you an authority on optimum age gaps? There are many advantages to larger age gaps, lots of parents I know have deliberately aimed for a larger gap.

You sound like you have had a wonderful life and have done things on your own time line. Bravo to you! To those saying you are selfish; how ridiculous! They are probably jealous. Ignore the idiots.