Sister says my husband and I are selfish for wanting a child in our 40s

[MyTaupeSwan]

I’m 40 this year and my husband is 42 We have a son who just turned 4 and started school in September, and now we feel ready for another child. We left things quite late in terms of having kids we’ve been together 18 years, and in that time we’ve had a lot of fun, traveled, and done everything we could while we had the chance and without too many worries.

Now that we’ve finally settled down, we got married 9 years ago. We were one of those couples that were engaged for a few years not because we didn’t want to get married or weren’t sure, but because we wanted to experience other things before having a wedding. We did couples counseling to make sure we were a good match, both for parenting and for marriage. I was worried about repeating my mum’s mistakes, so I did individual counselling as well.

We’ve always wanted children, but we wanted to have our freedom and experiences first, because having a child is such a big commitment. We’ve faced a lot of judgment, mainly from my family, but we feel ready now. I think we’re great parents even though it’s only been four years, the journey has just begun. Our son is the light of our lives, and we really enjoy being parents.

I’m glad we got to do all the things we wanted before having children, but I do feel judged sometimes. My mum thinks I was selfish for not having kids in my late 20s. I’ve told her that we’ve been trying recently and struggling, but she doesn’t really offer support just says I’m old and should have done it when I was “more fertile.”

My husband and I have had a lot of conversations about this. We’ve decided that if trying naturally doesn’t work, we’ll try a few rounds of IVF, and if that doesn’t succeed, we’ll continue living our lives. We’re lucky to have our son, and he is incredibly loved.

Is 40 too late and are we being selfish.
Seeing my brothers and sister with all their children and their children having siblings, I want that for our son. Maybe I should have spent my 20s having children and we wouldn’t have this issue

If you dont think so not sure saying it on here will help, yes I think it is selfish but why does it matter what we think?

Honestly the exhaustion I felt in my 30s meant that it was a definite no in my 40s when we decided with DH2.
Im 55. DC4 moves out in September. I’m so done with parenting.

I also think you won’t be able to expect your kids to be doing any looking after you because they’ll be in the thick of it with their own kids.

I’m the youngest of 6 myself and DPs were too old to ever do any care for my kids. My dad had health problems from his 70s. They never ever had solo charge of my kids.

A 5 year age gap is viewed as 2 only children. Your eldest is likely to be gone to uni when the youngest is 13 at most so they’ll be living very separate lives. Developmentally they won’t be close enough for the eldest to get much benefit and you could argue it’ll be pretty shit for him.

My understanding from a much harsher thread on the same subject this week was the likelihood of a successful outcome is pretty slim. The earlier statistic was for nearly a quarter of births over 35. It’s around 5% for over 40 a lot of whom are on this thread! And 0.4 at 45.

That's different. If you don't meet the One til you are older having children can't happen. Living life the way you want for decades then having children at the end of your reproductive life with greater risk to them and you is a choice. One your teenagers and young adults will also pay. Your sister is right it's selfish but it's also your choice.

@ProfessionalPirate DC (now early teens) have friends whose parents range between mid-30s to 70s. At their small, leafy suburban primary school, and in our social circle, DP and I represent the norm but since they went to secondary school they've broadened their circles and now have some friends with much younger parents; much closer to their apex of energy and fitness than me, now in my early 50s. They look at photos of me pre-DC and think it's hilarious. In my own mind, I'm obviously pretty much the same -looking well for my age, working out, eating well etc- but to them, I might as well be a different person.

Reading your replies on this thread, I think you're possibly being disingenuous -it is inescapable that becoming a parent later in life is more likely to bring 'time line challenges', what's the point in arguing the toss with outlying scenarios when statistics speak so clearly?

And @PuceGreen is right and you're being a bit of a dick for suggesting she's a hypocrite. Climate change is going to bring about changes to the way we live, the resources available to us and the kinds of challenges our children will face. If you're a parent in the Global South, you're more likely to be experiencing its effects already, but it is only a matter of time before we will begin to see more direct consequences play out here in northern Europe. It is not hypocritical to point this out in the context of considering what our children's lives might look like. My DC were tiny when I really 'got' the impact a changing climate would have on their lives: a cursory look into projected rising sea levels in my area in preparation for a property purchase, against the 'background noise' of occasional news items on global warming, prompted a poke around in actuarial predictions of logistical challenges arising from changes in the climate faced by the Big Four. Not some YouTube conspiracies, but published in their own policy documents. It was quite a few years before the climate issue became regular front page news and regional declarations of a climate emergency began to pop up as a result of direct climate action and a vigorous grassroots movement. But DC were already here. And, not able to un-know what I'd seen, I was scared for their futures and wondered whether we'd done the right thing. I still talk about the challenging outlook we face and make my life choices and consumer decisions against a backdrop of knowing that not only my DC, but DC of other men and women, much less privileged than me, in less advantageous parts of the world, will face the fall-out thereof.

My remaining parent is not in good enough health to have sole charge of my son. The other is dead (not at a young age but younger than average).

This wasn’t even the smallest consideration for me. I have never sat and thought ‘well how selfish of my mum to have had me later on’. She was working her whole life anyway, had about 3 years of healthy retirement and has since struggled with mobility.

Her and my son have a beautiful relationship. I am a little envious of people with regular childcare from parents but mainly cos of the huge financial saving. My MIL is barely 60, very fit and healthy and she chooses not to do it so youth is no guarantee of help. Many many people live too far to directly support each other.

It’s perfectly possible to manage without parental support to rely on.

Also who says a five year age gap is ‘viewed as two only children’?? I have a sibling 6 years younger and one 2 years older. We’re all very close! I appreciate it can be more challenging to do activities that suit all growing up but maybe it’s a good early lesson that your personal wants and needs aren’t the only consideration in a family.

Yeah I find this pathetic. Fair enough you won’t like the same things as a 2 year gap but it doesn’t mean you won’t enjoy doing stuff together or be close. Lots of kid friendly stuff now for all ages. It’s said by people with no imagination or who can’t be bothered

I don’t think it’s selfish per se, but age 40 was my cut off when we were trying (unsuccessfully) for a second. I worried about being older with a second. You mention being a playful parent, but that’s easier at 40 than it is in your late 50s. In my early 50s, I’m finding the whole snipers alley thing sadly all too real, having lost some dearly loved friends and family my age or younger. I remember when DH turned 50 and he admitted he was glad that we’d stopped trying, as just the thought of having a primary aged child then (as he would have done if we’d had a child when I was 40 plus) was exhausting. We’re both reasonably fit and healthy, and he was very playful.

As demonstrated on here, lots of people do have children in their 40s, I’d just make sure you’ve really thought about how different having a young child as you approach 50 is to approaching 40 and also, whether it will impact retirement plans if you have a child to put through university as you approach or turn 60.

Not too old OP. Had my second at 39, my mum had her last at 40, my sister had her second at 39, my brother had his fourth at 46. I'm a primary school teacher and it is much more common now. People are living longer now and sure we have to we are 67 these days. Do what's right for you and your family.

I think it is hard to imagine, in our relatively youthful 30s and early 40s what we will feel like in our perimenopausal 50s. It's another country. And unless you've visited an adjacent 'land' of, say, a significant physical ailment or loss, it's hard to picture yourself 'there'.

Why are you even confiding in your sister when you already know there’s some judgement in your family about your choices? Do what you want to do. You’re not old.

Suggesting a 5 year gap is like an only child is ridiculous 😂

Age 4 and 9 playing in the park, 5 and 10 playing lego, 10 and 15 playing basketball, 13 and 18 walking the dog together, 20 and 25 going out shopping/cinema/movies, holidays together, raising their children/cousins together. 3 of my neighbours have a 5-6 year gap between all of their children, 2-3 siblings in each house, and none of those 8 kids have ever been like an only child.

Euploid embryos have a 50-70% success rate, very possible at 40 with IVF.

Will you be setting yourself a rough deadline of when you would keep trying to if you didn't conceive quickly?
From your initial post mentioning IVF it sounded like you had already been trying a while but then you have said you have only just started (which is where I think maybe you should have started sooner knowing you wanted a second).
I think early 40's is fine but once you get to 45 for me personally that is then getting too late. I know others have posted they had babies that late but I think that's where you would begin to find it hard with a bigger age gap between children.

Op
Dont read anymore negative stuff.
Go forward and live your live and be happy.
You have one life life to live and its now.
Be the postive person for your family and live your life.
Sending you postive energy.

Lots of people are saying your risk of dying before they reach financial independence is much higher, but this isn't true. There is very little difference in the risk of a 30 year old dying in the next 30 years and the risk of a 40 year old dying in the next 30 years.

I do think you need to be sure in your minds what you are going to do if the foetus is found to have developed problem or Downs.

My friend had her first at 40 and her second at 41 never once complained that she found going through the menopause with them a problem. She pretty much had an absent husband too, due to his job.

It was the final

’It’s devastating to most people…’

Seemed to suggest that I was not ‘most people’. But clearly I misread the tone.

What on earth. A sibling is a sibling age gap is irrelevant. My kids have a 6 year gap. They do have different interests obviously one is a teenager. You could have a two year gap and kids be totally into different things and they can fight all the time. My eldest babysits the youngest now and they like to be around each other. The gaps become less relevant as time goes on and a sibling is for life not just the first few years. I have friends who have sisters with 10 year gaps and are very close. So giving a sibling is a life decision for her other child. Op is right to consider it.

Fertility doesn't drop sharply at 35, aneuploidy only increases around 10% between 35 and 37. OP is open to IVF and PGT is accurate for full aneuploidy. NIPT also exists.

I'm really surprised at some of the very negative posts. OP and her DH sound like great parents.

Whilst personally I wouldn't have wanted to start having children in my late thirties or forties, they have thought it through carefully and planned as much as they can.

I went to uni for 4 years (inc year abroad as part of course), obtained a professional post grad qualification the following and then worked in my field for 2 years before getting pregnant a few years earlier than planned. Had my second a couple of years after that and my third at 33. Ive worked full time after each in very demanding roles. I must say, Im a much better parent now than I was in my 20s.

There is never a perfect time to have a child.

Wish the OP well in her journey

If course it isn't selfish, @MyTaupeSwan. It sounds like you've had a wonderfully interesting and enriching life for the past two decades. This will stand you in very good stead as parents, with stories to tell and experience to share. As 'older' parents you might not have the raw energy of 15 years ago but you have more perspective and wisdom, will be more measured and less easily knocked off course. You know yourself better and are more comfortable in your own skin. These are excellent qualities in a mother. If you have decently good health there's no reason not to have a child in your 40s so long as your body can carry a pregnancy. That's not guaranteed at any age and of course risks of loss do increase with age. But as others have said, 40 is far from unusual these days.
Fwiw, I had my first pregnancy at 41, with identical twins. My children are 17 now so I've been through my 40s and most of my 50s. I have a serious professional career and have lived through cancer and loss. These things make me a better, not lesser mother. I've never had family childcare, because two grannies live/d overseas and both grandfathers died while DH and I were in our 20s.

I've never been able to pass as a trendy or yummy mummy and no-one will ever ask whether my children and I are siblings. Whilst those things might be an ego boost for a parent they are of zero interest to the child, who wants a figure to represent safety, unconditional love and support as they grow. Maternal and paternal age is no barrier to these.

OP - please ignore a lot of the responders here. My parents were 40 when they had me (3rd child in the family) and my husband's parents were 40 when they had him (2nd child) and neither of us has a single negative feeling about it!

If anything, we are appreciative that our parents allowed themselves the time to become whole, fulfilled, settled, financially stable and successful people before making the massive decision to have children. We've followed that example and I'm currently expecting my first at 36/40 after six wonderful years together and we're hoping have had at least 2 and possibly 3.

You've kept yourself healthy, and set yourself up with sufficient seniority and flexibility in your career to enable you to be a wonderful mum to your son, and any hypothetical future children (biological, fostered, or adopted).

As you've acknowledged in some of your replies - life just looks a bit different in certain parts of the country, don't let it phase you.

Why would you think I’m being insincere? I haven’t said anything that I don’t believe to be true. Which time line challenges and stats are you referring to exactly? A 40 year old obviously isn’t at their physical ‘apex’, but this is child rearing not trying out for the olympics.

I read and review scientific papers for a living and abuse of statistics is in my room 101. A lot of people throw them around without understanding them.

The only parents that seem to stick out at my DC’s school are the much older dads. None of the mums who had their DC in their natural child-bearing years look out of place. If we are just taking about the look of things (which I don’t think is terribly important but it’s been brought up a lot on this thread) then IME age has a lot less to do about ‘fitting in’ than whether you look after yourself, fit and slim, good clothes, hair etc. But of course, this is just my area. Other posters will have had different experiences I’m sure.

I wonder if the selfish comes from the fact you and your partner have been together for 18 years yet have left it so late to start trying for a second and all the implications that may have (emotionally through difficulties conceiving and IVF) obviously this will to some extent effect your DS and the wider family. Possibly they wouldn’t express these views if you hadn’t met DH until you were 35 because the opportunity hadn’t been there to start a family sooner.

You sound like you have had an incredibly rich life in terms of experiences and career but i must admit i do find it odd to of left it until the later stages of fertility to start trying for a second if the goal had always been to start a family.

I know you said the IVF clinics have been very positive but please be cautious about their ‘positivity’ they’re in it for the money, and its big money as we all know , they will sell you the dream because many going through IVF are desperate. Rightly or wrongly NHS IVF would be much more blunt on the risks and chances than a private clinic because they have no financial gain from pushing you to try and try again.

I had my first very young, I was just 20. And my friends and family had ALOT to say, and I was judged a lot! I often think judgement towards younger mums come from a place of “you’ve made a huge mistake and you will fail”. I had my second at what many considered a “normal age” (these were the comments from external people) - at 30. Circumstances weren’t great, but I am definitely more mature and able to be present in a way I wasn’t with my first. But I am so so close to my first. I think when you have everything and you are able to bring a child into the world - like you’ve worked towards OP, judgement comes from jealousy. But I also think there is bad press about having kids later, so people become “concerned”. But they don’t have to be so mean.

I say this to say that some people, it doesn’t matter what you do, or what you say you will do, they will find something they arnt happy about.

I was too young to have a baby, but actually looking back, it’s all worked out. All that matters is my and my partners opinion about my family and our willingness to protect them. For me, I don’t want kids later. But I can imagine if you’ve lived a great life and have everything you need for a kid, then why not.

Same goes for you. Your internal family is your family. You now know to not overshare with yours, and maybe only share once you are pregnant again.

I also want to say that I honestly thought I’d raise my first as an only, I’m glad she has a sibling now, but if a second doesn’t happen for whatever reason, onlies still have a great life and I found getting her to be around cousins more compensated for siblings.

I’m 60 and my younger DC is 20. I’m probably fitter now than I’ve ever been and I think I have a young outlook for my age. Like you I did a lot of travelling before DC and am enjoying that again now.

I’ve never had an issue at all with being an older mum and neither have my DCs. Age and experience can bring a lot to the role.

You sister is weirdly over-involved in your life and very judgy. It’s nothing to do with her. It’s about what’s right for you 3. Tell her to butt out!