To end things over a diet?

[BitOfFun2026]

Let me preface by saying that I'm currently a little bit heaver than I'd like to be, although still a size 8 and BMI 22 - hysterectomy in August last year means my metabolism has almost come to a stop and work has been incredibly intense lately which means I've struggled to find time to exercise.

Recently connected with an ex from years ago (nothing serious and it fizzled out when I moved back home from where I was living) - both now single. I've told him I don't want anything too serious (put off by a recent experience) but nor do I want just a FWB - might be asking for too much but in an ideal world I'd like to see someone maybe once a week, have dates either out or at home, and yes some physical connection. Also he lives and works 90 mins away from me now so weekdays etc. would be out of the question.

Met him Saturday night and he paid for a hotel halfway. We went out for a few drinks, a meal, and then had a proper breakfast in the hotel the next morning. He did mention a few times about how he's really into diet and fitness but it's not my bag at all apart from necessity, and it felt like it was veering towards lecture territory about my current habits. There was a comment he made about not wanting to date a different woman because she's a size 16, a bit rude I thought but everyone is allowed preferences.

He's supposed to be driving down to stay overnight so I asked him if he wanted me to cook, or maybe we could go out for something (I suggested Thai as can be fairly light/healthy) or get a takeaway - I always get one pay day weekend. His response....

"I really need to be good [my name]. I'm 80.1KG his morning and I've only been 79kg for months, in fact I've not hit 80 for over a year when I did a big bulk haha. it's mostly water though but still, the weekend set me back over a weeks work but I'd say it was worth it. When you diet you really need to keep on track because you can fluff it super fast. I'll eat before I come x"

I feel I'd be unreasonable to break it off because he's on the rigid diet, but on the other hand I think a lot of date type activities involve eating/drinking. The fact he's so militant is really putting me off. Do I throw this one back and if so, any advice on what exactly I should say....?

I'd drop him. I'm a guy myself, and I find this kind of patter tedious, boring nonsense.

Nobody likes a fat slob

Au contraire, I am very popular.

I was doing circuit classes before , they are on Tuesday 7 til 8 & Thursday 7 til 8 .
If you can’t make them , that’s it , you miss out .
I live in a small town in Ireland so it’s probably different 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Oh I didn’t realise they met Sat night .

I agree living 90 mins away is a trek , personally I’d be fine with weekends though myself .

I’d end it on the grounds that he sounds so boringly self-obsessed!

I'm not sure if he's lecturing you/"splaining" (man or otherwise) or if he's really insecure about his own choices and therefore nervously over-explaining (rather than simply saying "I'm on a strict diet so let's eat separately" and leaving you to ask questions if you have them). Either way, there's na apparent lack of self-awareness: he doesn't know he's talking about this way too much, and telling you things almost everyone knows.

Apart from that, it sounds like you want someone who will be a focused companion to you during the periods of time you're together. Think about whether he could be the right person for this despite not wanting to share meals, food, cooking, eating, etc. with you. Only you know how important those are to you and how much a part of the relationship you envisioned. It might be manageable at your house if you're comfortable eating in front of him when he doesn't, but likely awkward at his place or meeting halfway.

He sounds ghastly. Just couldn't put up with that kind of nonsense. Get rid.

Stressing over 0.1kg of weight, he could probably lose that by taking a shit! The talk of needing to 'be good' would be a huge turn off for me. You invited him for Thai food, which as you say has low calorie options and suggests you were being mindful of his diet. He could have just had a starter rather than reacting like you asked him to eat somewhere which just sells deep fried, high calorie, unhealthy food.

I would break it off and not worry about being honest. Tell him you enjoy eating out and would like to date someone who will enjoy dining out with you.

I would just want to eat a Big Mac in front of him (and I don't even like McDs). He is, of course, perfectly at liberty to eat how he wants and like what he likes, but strict regimes wouldn’t be for me. As long as he didn’t expect me to join in he can carry on, if I otherwise liked him.

It’s obvious you are not compatible. For you, food is enjoyment as you see it as part of dates. For him, food is proteins/ calories and he sees it as part of his fitness regime. He’s never going to enjoy the type of date you enjoy.
I wonder why you are trying to create something with someone who is so blatantly not compatible with your life? Are you not meeting many men? Or anxious about putting yourself out there to meet other men?

I think if he’s going to have a strict diet and not be willing to do things with you that you’d like even down to eating at your home when you’ve cooked then what’s the point in this half cooked relationship? Then it just becomes sex with a man who is obsessed with body size. Ick.

Sorry I just repeated what DisabledDemon
and others had already said op.

The point is, his mind is not on the weekend and looking forward to seeing you and considering what you would like to do!

No! You do not feature in his message op because he is fixated on his own slim figure.

It’s so selfish!

I don't think so. What she says is: "I feel I'd be unreasonable to break it off." So as is so often the case with women who stick it out with total crap, it's not because they're desperate for a man or anything, but because they think it would be "unreasonable" not to.

He booked a hotel last weekend and paid for it. Not going to assume he paid for the meal and drinks too -but he might have. That doesn't scream selfish to me. They aren't in a long term relationship - it's casual

@Trevordidit obviously that's hyperbole and it hasn't actually come to a stop, but it's a proven fact that metabolism slows during menopause

Think I’d reply: ‘Are you serious? You’re 80.1kg but usually 79kg so you won’t have dinner with me? Seriously or are you joking?

Why is taking care of yourself seen as being weird, or faddy, or boring, or whatever other words have been used?? If he'd said yeah let's get a few bottles of wine, some beers and a takeaway curry, that would be 'normal' but because he's said he tracks his food carefully and he's got goals, then that gives people the ick?! Crazy! This would be my ideal man tbh! 😂 I'd rather not put on 2 stone just because I'm in a new relationship (and yes I have been there - twice!)

I don't know why dates have to revolve around food and drink, personally, but I get that lots of people like that, and whichever side of the fence you're on, if your interests don't align then he's not for you.

But regardless of all that it's just meant to be a casual arrangement, not a relationship, so why does it matter anyway?

@scottishgirl69 You seem to be getting muddled up - it's 90 minutes away he lives, he's meant to see me Saturday, not tonight. And yes, he paid for the hotel but that's his offer and his choice - I was already out in that city during the day with friends. If you read my OP you'll see why we didn't work out the first time around, he absolutely wasn't like this before.

See, I could talk macros all day long ! 🤣🤣 Horses for courses... 🤷🏻‍♀️

Not sure he would be my ideal man but it's interesting that so many people think that someone who is into fitness is boring dull and self obsessed.

We don't know enough context really anyway. People end up with disordered eating for reasons - lots of them. Someone could have been very overweight and be scared to put it back on. Lots of people don't have healthy relationships with food - I didn't for a long time for various reasons

Im teetotal and have no interest in food other than as fuel. Id be really annoyed if every dating activity involved doing all of those things. Not everyone wants to eat all the time.

It sounds like he'd be very boring and inflexible about diet.

Let's stop lowering our standards for the most average men! Cancel!

Yes I saw your post where you said it was 90 minutes away. When you said he was driving down to stay overnight I thought you meant tonight for some reason

I personally think the distance is a bigger issue than his eating habits

It sounds as if he lives a fairly regimented lifestyle in terms of diet and exercise. Nothing wrong with that, I do too, but it does make frequent eating out problematic. Even if you do track what you are eating in terms of macros on the menu, it’s wildly inaccurate. Not an issue if you’re eating out occasionally, but can become one if doing so regularly.

It wouldn’t bother me, but if socialising around food is something that’s important to you and it’s already an irritation, you probably aren’t very compatible. It’s not a big deal, just a mismatch.

agree. I’m mental about my weight if I’m heavier than I want to be but I know that’s my issue. All those things he said were very much inner voice words not to be said out loud.