14yo son trying to get himself permanently excluded to follow his bf to PRU

[CommanderRex]

I don’t even know how to write this properly so sorry if it’s a mess

My son is 14 now year 10 and has been with the same boy since year 7, at first I genuinely thought it was just a very intense friendship, they were inseparable, sleepovers every weekend, matching trainers, constantly on FaceTime, I didn’t think anything of it

By year 8 it was obvious it was more than that which is fine, I have zero issue with him being gay, that is not the problem at all

The problem is the relationship itself and what it’s turned him into

They get into trouble together constantly, skipping lessons, vaping, wandering off site at lunch, backchatting teachers, my son was never like this in primary, he was cheeky but basically good, teachers liked him

The other boy was permanently excluded just before Christmas and since then it’s like my son has made it his life mission to follow him

He has been put on report twice this term and instead of being embarrassed he came home almost pleased about it saying it’s only report it’s not that deep, I actually felt sick

He’s started arguing with teachers, refusing homework, being late on purpose, he’s talking about how PRU would suit him better and mainstream is pointless, I honestly think he is trying to get himself permanently excluded so he can go to the same PRU as his boyfriend

When I say no to seeing him or try to put boundaries in place it escalates massively, shouting, doors slamming, telling me I’m ruining his life, and then the worst part is he threatens to hurt himself if I stop him seeing him, he has actually harmed himself before when I’ve said no, nothing life threatening but enough to terrify me and make me back down, I feel completely trapped by it

It’s been going on since 2022 and I kept thinking it’s just teenage intensity it will fizzle out, it hasn’t, it’s worse in year 10 not better

There is something very co dependent about it, if the other boy has a bad day my son spirals, if he’s in trouble my son makes sure he is too, it’s like they feed off each other in the worst way

I know the other boy doesn’t have a good home life and I genuinely felt for him, I tried to make him welcome here, dinners, lifts, letting him stay over, I thought if he had stability here it might help, instead it feels like it’s completely backfired and now my house feels like a base for all the drama

They argue and it’s dramatic, blocking each other, crying, swearing they’re done, then back together the next day like nothing happened, constant FaceTime, constant messaging, my son cannot seem to function without him

I’ve tried calm chats, firm boundaries, phone taken away, school involved, counselling suggested, he either shuts down or tells me I’m controlling and don’t understand

I’ve tried talking about safe sex and contraception and he literally rolls his eyes and walks off, says we know all that, won’t engage properly at all

His grades have dropped from solid 6s to scraping 4s, teachers say he’s capable but distracted, that’s putting it mildly

I feel like I am watching him slowly sabotage his own education and future and I don’t know how to stop it without pushing him further away

I am exhausted and honestly scared of what the next two years are going to look like

Has anyone dealt with a relationship like this that just won’t end and only seems to get more intense and destructive

I don’t know what the right move even is anymore

I'm sorry to hear this, it sound like it's a lot going on.

How is his father supporting him?

Contraception?

It’s really hard to get a place at a PRU, even if he is excluded there is no guarantee he’ll end up with his boyfriend. I know you’ve tried to explain this to him but really hammer it home.

Personally, I’d be doing everything I could to keep him away from this boy. No sleepovers for a start(!) you need to try and phase him out. How far away does he live? Can your son get there by his own means? Stop the lifts. Stop the funds. It’s time to get tougher. You don’t need to bad mouth him just stop facilitating contact. Take his phone away etc etc He’s 14 you still have a chance to stop this. Good luck OP.

I think OP means safe sex.

I would tell him that if he gets himself excluded there is no way in hell that he is going to the same PRU as his boyfriend as they have proven that they behave worse together and that unless he knuckles down, has counselling and gets his grades back up his phone is getting cut off.

I would then seek professional support for him and you in dealing with the relationship.

Ah. Thank you.

Is he under CAMHS? What support is he getting away from the boy?

If you can afford it I would also think about a lengthy holiday with no phones to detox and see how he is at the end of it.

I think I'd be seriously telling him if he gets himself excluded, he will be home educated and it will be the end of this relationship. Grades are going downhill, behaviour is going downhill and if he doesn't pull it back, they won't be seeing each other again. Take the phone away as well, put a stop to the constant facetime.

Why was the other boy permanently excluded?

Is that what you mean @CommanderRex ? You don’t mean contraception as in at risk of pregnancy for one of them?
agree with the need of digital detox.

I know this will be hard but I would cut all ties with this boy. It’s not a healthy relationship

I think home ed could make the relationship with his mum even worse because he's likely to just refuse point blank to do any work and at 14 he's going to be reasonably big and strong. You also have to pay for the exams, which aren't cheap! Unless it's changed since I home schooled my daughter which was a while ago! Toxic relationships are so difficult to deal with. The OP has my sympathy.

I would threaten to move. And it would not be a joke. I would seriously consider moving across the country to untwine my child from a toxic friend or group or trouble.
If they are together in school, out of school, at yours etc they are never having time apart. They probably don't know who they are individually.

Separate from the relationship, does your son have other friends? Is he being bullied and now his bf is gone from school he is alone?

I know teenage relationships can be intense, but this does sound extreme OP and I really feel for you.

That is what I would do as well. I would hit this very hard, to be honest, as treading softly is not working. Mine would be clearly told that he will not be going to the PRU and if he doesn’t calm down and start behaving at school he can say goodbye to his phone. A phone is a privilege, not a right, and when DS2 screwed up at school when he was 14 he lost the phone temporarily as the behaviour was phone related, so it was a fitting punishment.

OP you don't mention other friends, do you think the other boy has isolated DS to become co-dependant on him? And how much is it him planting the idea of going to the same PRU? What jumped out at me was you saying that your sons emotions are dependent on the other boys, other boy happy = ds happy. It sounds like it has the potential to be a coercive relationship, if it isn't already.

I'd be properly managing his 'phone use and his friend would not be welcome in my house until son started behaving in a proper manner x

I think you should arrange a meeting with the head teacher and I feel it would be a good idea to remove him from the school. I would also take away his devices for a while and restrict his use of social media. You've got get on top of this. This is an unhealthy relationship. You say you feel your boy is gay, well he maybe but what is going on is an unhealthy relationship between two immature boys and if you dont take action its going to spiral until there is a serious incident, it might involve violence. You dont know what he is getting up to with this lad. Your son should be enjoying friendships with a cohort of other kids. You dont say whether your boy has learning difficulties because this sort of behaviour is often seen in children who are educationally challenged who dont fit in with other nuerotypical children who are able to control their behaviours. Yes, I think you need to take action to remove your son from the problem and send him to another school.

Yes I’ve stopped lifts and sleepovers

That was one of the first things I pulled back on because it was just constant, picking them up, dropping them off, him here most weekends, I felt like I was running a taxi service and funding the whole thing

When I stopped the lifts he absolutely kicked off, shouting that I’m isolating him, that everyone else’s parents let them see their partners whenever, and he still asks now and then kicks off when I sat no

Sleepovers have stopped completely, that caused a massive row, he said I was punishing him for being gay which I’m not, I said it’s about behaviour and boundaries not who he’s dating but he won’t hear it

He has still tried to sneak off to meet him after school which is another battle

I have taken his phone more than once and he shouts, slams his door and calls me controlling and invading his privacy and threatens to self harm. If I turn wifi off he uses data.

CAMHS aren't currently involved I asked for a referral after the self harm but nothing yet. He says he hates school and he hates being alone at school now his bf is at the other school, they did have the same group of friends originally back in year 7 but it seemed to fizzle out as trouble followed the 2 of them and the others wanted nothing to do with it.

He sees the PRU as something fun, his bf finishes earlier than him, wears his own clothes, before half term he had a reward for completing that half term etc. I've told him it's not guaranteed he’d he sent to that school but he's convinced he will be

I probably should've said in my OP but didn't want it derailed but his bf is trans hence the contraception, I didn't know until quite recently as before puberty children do tend to look gender neutral. I don't think it's a trans issue though, its a toxic relationship issue

if also not be supporting the relationship. Do you have money for private family therapy? I’d try NVR (have a Google - it does work and is used in CAMHS) to help try to regain calm and boundaries in the household

You need to make it absolutely clear to your son that if he gets removed from this school he will not be attending the same PRU as the boyfriend , end of .

Where is your son's father in all of this?

You need to cut off ANY contact with this boy, this is already violently unhealthy. If he has a tantrum then let him, don't react because it's what he wants. Take his phone away and do not cave in. Strip his room down and confiscate things until he's earned them back through consistent good behaviour and grades.

If you can't get help via the NHS, then look for private options.

Partner? I'd be shutting that adult language down sharp. They are not partners, they are toxically enmeshed children. Your son's school knows all this i hope?
And ive friends who have worked in prus. Fun is not the word.