14yo son trying to get himself permanently excluded to follow his bf to PRU

[CommanderRex]

I don’t even know how to write this properly so sorry if it’s a mess

My son is 14 now year 10 and has been with the same boy since year 7, at first I genuinely thought it was just a very intense friendship, they were inseparable, sleepovers every weekend, matching trainers, constantly on FaceTime, I didn’t think anything of it

By year 8 it was obvious it was more than that which is fine, I have zero issue with him being gay, that is not the problem at all

The problem is the relationship itself and what it’s turned him into

They get into trouble together constantly, skipping lessons, vaping, wandering off site at lunch, backchatting teachers, my son was never like this in primary, he was cheeky but basically good, teachers liked him

The other boy was permanently excluded just before Christmas and since then it’s like my son has made it his life mission to follow him

He has been put on report twice this term and instead of being embarrassed he came home almost pleased about it saying it’s only report it’s not that deep, I actually felt sick

He’s started arguing with teachers, refusing homework, being late on purpose, he’s talking about how PRU would suit him better and mainstream is pointless, I honestly think he is trying to get himself permanently excluded so he can go to the same PRU as his boyfriend

When I say no to seeing him or try to put boundaries in place it escalates massively, shouting, doors slamming, telling me I’m ruining his life, and then the worst part is he threatens to hurt himself if I stop him seeing him, he has actually harmed himself before when I’ve said no, nothing life threatening but enough to terrify me and make me back down, I feel completely trapped by it

It’s been going on since 2022 and I kept thinking it’s just teenage intensity it will fizzle out, it hasn’t, it’s worse in year 10 not better

There is something very co dependent about it, if the other boy has a bad day my son spirals, if he’s in trouble my son makes sure he is too, it’s like they feed off each other in the worst way

I know the other boy doesn’t have a good home life and I genuinely felt for him, I tried to make him welcome here, dinners, lifts, letting him stay over, I thought if he had stability here it might help, instead it feels like it’s completely backfired and now my house feels like a base for all the drama

They argue and it’s dramatic, blocking each other, crying, swearing they’re done, then back together the next day like nothing happened, constant FaceTime, constant messaging, my son cannot seem to function without him

I’ve tried calm chats, firm boundaries, phone taken away, school involved, counselling suggested, he either shuts down or tells me I’m controlling and don’t understand

I’ve tried talking about safe sex and contraception and he literally rolls his eyes and walks off, says we know all that, won’t engage properly at all

His grades have dropped from solid 6s to scraping 4s, teachers say he’s capable but distracted, that’s putting it mildly

I feel like I am watching him slowly sabotage his own education and future and I don’t know how to stop it without pushing him further away

I am exhausted and honestly scared of what the next two years are going to look like

Has anyone dealt with a relationship like this that just won’t end and only seems to get more intense and destructive

I don’t know what the right move even is anymore

Of COURSE the "boyfriend" is trans. So you definitely need to talk about contraception. A lot of transboys seem to think that just affirming that they're a boy means they can't get pregnant.

This. You’re treating him as a small adult. He isn’t. This ‘relationship’ needs to be ended, and now. No more lifts. Do what you can to separate them. Be a parent.

Well I would start by having a quick talk about his girl friend. With diagrams if necessary! If you can’t be honest with him about the difference between a boy/boy relationship and a boy/girl relationship them what else are you fudging. No wonder he doesn’t believe you when you talk about the consequences of his behaviour.

A 14 year old girl who says she is a boy but is in a “romantic” relationship with a boy has got huge issues with her identity as well as some deep confusion about what constitutes a gay relationship. I am willing to bet she has other problems such as anxiety. Similarly a 14 year old boy who thinks he is gay because he is in a relationship with a trans identifying girl has also got problems deeper than getting into trouble at school.

So, reality check..its a boy and girl relationship, so yes, contraception is important. Clearly the girl has mental health issues if she is cosplaying being male. They aren't partners, they are having an adolescent 'romantic' relationship.

He would be grounded, temper tantrums would add to time. Phone, tablets, PC, games consoles, wifi all removed until behaviour and grades improve. Self harm, straight to doctor for mental health assessment. Threatening to self harm is emotionally abusive behaviour.

This, you’ve been facilitating ‘sleepovers’ for these young teens? Since when?

Move. When I was 14, I was in a horrifically abusive, toxic relationship with an older man. The only way my mum could get it to stop was by moving us far enough away. It worked, but the relationship left me so damaged. I was 16 by then, and yes, ruined my entire education. You still have a chance to save him and get things back on track.

Not trying to derail like others have started to, which I understand why you don't want as this is a serious issue with your son that needs sorting, but also have to agree with other pp's that this is all kinds of fucked up and the girl must be seriously mentally ill and will be putting a lot of that on your son. Your son must be messed up to think he's gay when he's sleeping with a girl.

Your son isn’t gay. He has a girlfriend who is cosplaying at being male.

Yeah this would be stopping. The boyfriend is mentally unwell and as unfortunate as that is, your son is not an appropriate person to be leaning on to this degree. The whole relationship is toxic.

I'd cut contact between them, moving your son to a further away school if necessary to prevent them meeting up. Shut down social media accounts and take the phone. He will massively kick off but sometimes as parents, we have to be the bad cop.

Do you have any contact with the girl's family?

Have you ever considered that your DS might benefit from being assessed for autism?

In your shoes, I'd be wondering if the relationship was abusive.

At the very least, he needs to be seen by a psychiatrist because of the self harm.
Don't wait around for treatment in the NHS. Go private. Do it asap.

Stop feeding this bs.

What is their home background like? Any mileage in talking to the parents?
Are they sharing a room for sleepovers?

He’s 14!!! He’s a child and you’ve accidentally allowed a really intense adult relationship to develop. I’d take his phone away completely until he can show good behaviour at school and until he can show respect and that he’s working towards some academic achievements.

Many many teens for hundreds and thousands of years have survived without a smartphone. This person being excluded combined with taking away his phone means he can have a complete break in order to heal and reflect.

Oh op. What a handful.

So his boyfriend is a transboy. Yeah I wouldnt have allowed sleepovers. Call me old fashioned.

Your son isn't gay. He's in a heterosexual relationship. They are both well under the age of consent. It sounds incredibly difficult op. As a pp has said, girls who identify as boys can be in complete denial that they can get pregnant. I would be tempted to do something drastic like moving far away. Are you on your own with this or do you have a partner?

Get him a Nokia old brick phone. With only your number in. The boy is not to come to your house. Make it clear to your son you will not be sending him to pru if kicked out.

He won't hurt himself, he's just trying to get scare you..maybe just call his bluff, but that might be a bridge too far.

Nevertheless wash your hands of him at 16..if he's like this now only once place he'll end up as an adult. Sorry you're going through this.

Completely agree, i’d be getting them as far away from each other as possible. It sounds like they are a negative influence on each other and your Son is clearly obsessed with this boy (possibly the same for the other boy too). 14 is a child and this is going to ruin his school years if it continues.

They are under the age of consent and should not be staying with each other if you suspect they are in a relationship. Would you let a boyfriend/girlfriend stay together at 14? Not a chance.

Do the school know everything so they can support you too? I’d be giving them every detail and getting as much help as you possibly can (others on here will know much more about accessing that help).

Just read that bf is trans. Agree completely.

Another voice urging you to get a grip on this. Move house if necessary. Easier said than done I know but you’re in the trenches with this and need to minimise impact on your child’s future. The other child isn’t your problem. Disentangle your boy from their mess as soon as you can. Get him engaged in a wider world, thinking about the long game of his future, new interests with rewards for co operating. Not necessarily linked to phones, just makes it more attractive yes take it away make sure you have control though until the position improves.

I don’t think kids should have smartphones anyway, but especially not in this scenario. Put it on eBay and get a dumb phone with no internet.

If at all possible, I'd move (but be aware that running away is a possibility). However, the critical thing is that he does not fuck up his romantic partner's life with pregnancy. I'd also point out that the last thing the LA will do is put the two of them in the same PRU due to the relationship, so he can forget about that as an option.

It might not work, but it's got more of a chance of the star crossed lovers finding that actually, somebody else is a better option. OK, you get the breakup to deal with, but it's better than the early grandparent call-up.

The OP has said that she wasn't aware that they were in a relationship, or that the friend/boyfriend was actually a girl to begin with - which explains the sleepovers. Give her a break.

Yet another example of trans identifying children ending up in safeguarding concern situations (like sleepovers with a boy well before the age of consent).

OP, your instincts were right about your thread getting derailed.
Now that you've mentioned on here that the bf is trans, you'll get a load of bigotry and people saying stuff like 'cosplaying' because they think it's clever.

My advice is get the thread deleted and seek help on a different forum.

I wish you the best of luck.