14yo son trying to get himself permanently excluded to follow his bf to PRU

[CommanderRex]

I don’t even know how to write this properly so sorry if it’s a mess

My son is 14 now year 10 and has been with the same boy since year 7, at first I genuinely thought it was just a very intense friendship, they were inseparable, sleepovers every weekend, matching trainers, constantly on FaceTime, I didn’t think anything of it

By year 8 it was obvious it was more than that which is fine, I have zero issue with him being gay, that is not the problem at all

The problem is the relationship itself and what it’s turned him into

They get into trouble together constantly, skipping lessons, vaping, wandering off site at lunch, backchatting teachers, my son was never like this in primary, he was cheeky but basically good, teachers liked him

The other boy was permanently excluded just before Christmas and since then it’s like my son has made it his life mission to follow him

He has been put on report twice this term and instead of being embarrassed he came home almost pleased about it saying it’s only report it’s not that deep, I actually felt sick

He’s started arguing with teachers, refusing homework, being late on purpose, he’s talking about how PRU would suit him better and mainstream is pointless, I honestly think he is trying to get himself permanently excluded so he can go to the same PRU as his boyfriend

When I say no to seeing him or try to put boundaries in place it escalates massively, shouting, doors slamming, telling me I’m ruining his life, and then the worst part is he threatens to hurt himself if I stop him seeing him, he has actually harmed himself before when I’ve said no, nothing life threatening but enough to terrify me and make me back down, I feel completely trapped by it

It’s been going on since 2022 and I kept thinking it’s just teenage intensity it will fizzle out, it hasn’t, it’s worse in year 10 not better

There is something very co dependent about it, if the other boy has a bad day my son spirals, if he’s in trouble my son makes sure he is too, it’s like they feed off each other in the worst way

I know the other boy doesn’t have a good home life and I genuinely felt for him, I tried to make him welcome here, dinners, lifts, letting him stay over, I thought if he had stability here it might help, instead it feels like it’s completely backfired and now my house feels like a base for all the drama

They argue and it’s dramatic, blocking each other, crying, swearing they’re done, then back together the next day like nothing happened, constant FaceTime, constant messaging, my son cannot seem to function without him

I’ve tried calm chats, firm boundaries, phone taken away, school involved, counselling suggested, he either shuts down or tells me I’m controlling and don’t understand

I’ve tried talking about safe sex and contraception and he literally rolls his eyes and walks off, says we know all that, won’t engage properly at all

His grades have dropped from solid 6s to scraping 4s, teachers say he’s capable but distracted, that’s putting it mildly

I feel like I am watching him slowly sabotage his own education and future and I don’t know how to stop it without pushing him further away

I am exhausted and honestly scared of what the next two years are going to look like

Has anyone dealt with a relationship like this that just won’t end and only seems to get more intense and destructive

I don’t know what the right move even is anymore

As always people are convinced we can all just drop everything and move far away just like that. Who needs money or employment when you have a magic wand instead?!

But seriously do yourself and your son a favour and stop indulging this. It’s insulting to the gay community to call your son gay. He isn’t. He has a girlfriend with obvious mental issues however which is another matter.

Your son is in a heterosexual relationship with a girl. Not a boy, and indulging this ‘he has a boyfriend’ stuff is not healthy for anyone concerned.

That the “boyfriend” is trans is largely irrelevant to the conversation except for an additional risk of adding pregnancy and an unexpected grandchild to the situation. The problem is the incredibly unhealthy emotional relationship.

I really think that you need to cut all contact off with this other child, by any means possible. Any relationship that’s causing this much distress and having such a terrible impact on your son’s life can’t go on. The fact that self harm has entered into the conversation is a very bad sign. Be prepared for some difficult times and, as other posters have said, for having to take a drastic decision about relocating if it gets very bad.

Do ignore opinions you disagree with on the trans issue, but don’t ignore the multiple people affirming how toxic this relationship is. It’s going to be tough but you can extricate him from it.

Didn’t want to read and run but I’m v late to sleep this evening. I’ve worked in both mainstream and PRU in a safeguarding capacity. This is a complex and understandably difficult situation. I’d suggest that you contact your local safeguarding hub for advice and support.

Keep your GC nonsense to yourself.

I think emphasising that if he gets himself expelled, he absolutely will not be going to the same PRU as BF but another one, where the students might be far less welcoming, might work?

You need to get the school fully inside and involved with as much pastoral support as possible.

I hope it works out for you.

@CommanderRex Read your OP again.

Your DS is in a relationship with a female and you're calling him gay. You've been allowing a 13 year old to have a relationship with a girl and having sleepovers in your house.

Are you still wondering why your child is going off the rails? Where are your boundaries???

Teenage life is really complex. Teenagers need sensible advice. One of my children thought she might be heading for a relationship with another girl because she really liked her. I said "DD3....do you like girls romantically?" "Eurgh, no!" "Then you're not a lesbian, because that's the starting point. You just really like your friend and that's ok. It feels intense when you really like someone." "Oh phew! I'm not ready for a relationship with anyone!" Job done. She just needed to know that it's normal to feel really strongly about friendships.

FFS grow up and parent your child.

He is 14.. And you have been allowing him sleepovers to have sex under your roof.

And no, I don’t give a shit about the whole “if they want to they’ll find a way” bollocks which people trot out on here. Finding a way doesn’t mean you cover your ears and sing la la la and facilitate it, it means you make it as difficult as possible for them to do it under your roof. Just because it does happen, doesn’t mean you give them an avenue.

At 14 I would be telling him that this relationship is now over.

Remove his phone and give him a brick.

Tell him that if he is excluded he won’t be going to the same PrU as this other boy, and no, I’m not interested in getting into the trans debate.

A huge part of the reasoning behind why these kids go off the rails is because of shit parenting.

Nobody parents their children any more. They’re too afraid and and emotionally blackmailed into believing that parenting a child is somehow abuse. Even on here.

This.

tell him if he is excluded he will be banned from seeing him/ homeschool off to boarding school/ or you move.

if he gets his grades up and stays off report he can continue to see him twice a week in a rolling basis. Every time he is in trouble at school escalate the consequences. Have them written down.

talk to him like an adult. This is his last chance etc etc. you have been reasonable he has shown he can’t work with that so now you will be unreasonable.

I think banning the bf outright without an opportunity for them to meet would be too hard. give him an opportunity to correct.

do you have family overseas at all?

Is there neurodiversity going on here? Some very black and white thinking happening

I agree with others that this is a very unhealthy relationship and you need to put boundaries in and prevent it if you can.

Someone from school needs to explain to your DS that if he is permanently excluded he won't be with the other child

I would also investigate autism. The other child may be autistic but that's for their parents to consider. .

Absolutely this. He’s 14!!!! What a joke that you’ve taken this whole “relationship” so seriously.
Taking the phone away for good, and actually dealing with the consequences is the very least that you should be doing here.
Your son has clearly been over indulged and as a result feels entitled to behave however he wants without any regard for anyone else or any consequences.
Are you scared of dealing with conflict OP?
Guess what, none of us like the difficult, stressful & hard work parts of parenting but we don’t give in and go along with it for an easy life because we are here to teach our kids and set healthy boundaries.
Your son threatening to self harm if he doesn’t get his own way is absolutely disgusting.
That is emotional abuse and shows how little he thinks of you.
You’ve majorly fucked up here by condoning this nonsense and it’s time you realise how much control you actually have as his parent.
It’s going to take quite a while and a lot of hard work to undo this but you need to put that effort in and stop wondering what on earth could have caused all this.
I can tell you it’s ineffective parenting.
I’ve taken myself off and cried in secret from the stress of dealing with teenagers but do you know what? After the meltdown they do gain respect for your boundaries and eventually come around.
But being a pushover and wondering why he’s being such a manipulative little shit when you then say no to something is just ridiculous.
Stop allowing your son to bully you and show you mean business.

Also, do not be held hostage by the threats to self harm. Keep pills locked away and maybe knives but keep calm and matter of fact about it.
A cahms crisis nurse once told me that sometimes they say to a young person "that is your decision" if they are making threats to SH.

The PRU's in my county are full to bursting. I have worked on Permanent Exclusions and of the dozen or so I have experience of, none that I know of have gone to a PRU as there are no spaces. The excluded students generally have had tutors for a limited number of GCSE's for a couple of hours a day in a local library. Not much fun really. The PRU closest to my area only offers English, Maths and Biology GCSE options, so very limiting for future prospects.

It is not nonsense to state that a biological male and a biological female in a relationship are a heterosexual couple. It is not - in reality - a homosexual relationship even if one of them identifies as the opposite sex.

The fact that there is a possibility of pregnancy and that these children are only 14 years old is extremely pertinent information.

Telling her to start pointing out anatomy to her son is not good advice. The relationship is already fractious why have her son thinking she is a bigot and accusing her of hate criming them. It doesn’t help. The fact the bf is trans isn’t relevant as the sleepovers have stopped anyway.

regardless of sex op you need to focus on coming down hard and cutting the behaviour off at the knees. Give him a chance to correct and let him know it’s the last one.

remind him that you love him and it’s your job to protect him from stupidity. And you will do everything in your power to do so.

I think the best thing the school can do is tell your son that if they do exclude him they will ensure he is not in the same PRU as his boyfriend.

I wouldn't blame the relationship for everything. It sounds as if he found the transition to secondary school hard and he got attached to this other child who was also struggling. They kind-of supported each other and they kind-of made each other worse. Now he's lost her (or him, whichever) at school and he's even more lost. You probably got a bit too involved in trying to support the other child and didn't realise how much your DS was also struggling.

Stopping the sleepovers sounds like a good idea. I wouldn't trust 14 year olds not to take chances!

Does your DS have any out-of-school activities that don't involve his friend? It would be really good if he has someone like a Dad or an uncle to take him out now and again and do stuff with him - going to football, a couple of hours at the gym, fishing. They don't need to have deep conversations or read riot acts or anything. Just something that's relaxed and not geared around his friend.

Everyone telling you to stop your son seeing this person, seems to be imagining that teenagers do what their parents say.

They usually do the opposite.

When my parents told me to stop having a relationship as a teenager, I carried on having it and lied to them. Lots of teenagers do this.

Simply putting her foot down is unlikely to work. She needs to get to the root of why her son is behaving so destructively.......

A PX to a PRU can be extremely traumatic for a lot of kids. Some of kids path into PRU has been from traumatic situations. Also you become very undesirable to most mainstream to reintegrate. PRU are short term, not a new long term setting. It's incredibly unlikely they stay and sit gcses.

Ds friend was PX to a PRU in year 9. He has PTSD now. He was a fairly naughty kid by anyone's standards and the PRU traumatised him. The people he meet, the stories he heard. He never engaged in education again and never will now.

I think gentle parenting can long term really damage kids. Take a harder line and spell out what the reality is for a expelled child at his age. There is no time left to get your act together at 14, back into mainstream and sit gcses. There's no full time gcse courses at college. So then your sitting gcses part time while your peers are doing A levels or similar. You feel behind and left out with this big note on your education file that means your a risk for colleges and schools so most want take a risk on you

It is relevant because girls who identify as boys have a high chance of having very difficult backgrounds and can be extremely vulnerable with significant co-morbidities. Being vulnerable also doesn't stop the negative influence on the OP's son, which is clearly happening. The difficult background has been mentioned by the OP. It is going to be a factor and, unfortunately, will add to making the emotional side of the situation even more tricky to navigate for the OP.

However, understanding all this will not prevent the OP from setting clear and rigid boundaries.

Why on earth did you let them have sleepovers at that age.

I wouldn’t say it’s derailed? That the boyfriend is female is a huge thing. And it actually sounds like the other child’s parents, knowing that their child is female, also facilitates these sleepovers?

It's cute that you think it's no longer relevant because they're not having sanctioned sleepovers.

Well affirmation hasn’t worked well, has it? Is this transitioned child happy? Living her best life as a boy? Thriving? No. She’s a massive ball of mess and OPs son is not far behind.

Have they been having sex? At 14?