14yo son trying to get himself permanently excluded to follow his bf to PRU

[CommanderRex]

I don’t even know how to write this properly so sorry if it’s a mess

My son is 14 now year 10 and has been with the same boy since year 7, at first I genuinely thought it was just a very intense friendship, they were inseparable, sleepovers every weekend, matching trainers, constantly on FaceTime, I didn’t think anything of it

By year 8 it was obvious it was more than that which is fine, I have zero issue with him being gay, that is not the problem at all

The problem is the relationship itself and what it’s turned him into

They get into trouble together constantly, skipping lessons, vaping, wandering off site at lunch, backchatting teachers, my son was never like this in primary, he was cheeky but basically good, teachers liked him

The other boy was permanently excluded just before Christmas and since then it’s like my son has made it his life mission to follow him

He has been put on report twice this term and instead of being embarrassed he came home almost pleased about it saying it’s only report it’s not that deep, I actually felt sick

He’s started arguing with teachers, refusing homework, being late on purpose, he’s talking about how PRU would suit him better and mainstream is pointless, I honestly think he is trying to get himself permanently excluded so he can go to the same PRU as his boyfriend

When I say no to seeing him or try to put boundaries in place it escalates massively, shouting, doors slamming, telling me I’m ruining his life, and then the worst part is he threatens to hurt himself if I stop him seeing him, he has actually harmed himself before when I’ve said no, nothing life threatening but enough to terrify me and make me back down, I feel completely trapped by it

It’s been going on since 2022 and I kept thinking it’s just teenage intensity it will fizzle out, it hasn’t, it’s worse in year 10 not better

There is something very co dependent about it, if the other boy has a bad day my son spirals, if he’s in trouble my son makes sure he is too, it’s like they feed off each other in the worst way

I know the other boy doesn’t have a good home life and I genuinely felt for him, I tried to make him welcome here, dinners, lifts, letting him stay over, I thought if he had stability here it might help, instead it feels like it’s completely backfired and now my house feels like a base for all the drama

They argue and it’s dramatic, blocking each other, crying, swearing they’re done, then back together the next day like nothing happened, constant FaceTime, constant messaging, my son cannot seem to function without him

I’ve tried calm chats, firm boundaries, phone taken away, school involved, counselling suggested, he either shuts down or tells me I’m controlling and don’t understand

I’ve tried talking about safe sex and contraception and he literally rolls his eyes and walks off, says we know all that, won’t engage properly at all

His grades have dropped from solid 6s to scraping 4s, teachers say he’s capable but distracted, that’s putting it mildly

I feel like I am watching him slowly sabotage his own education and future and I don’t know how to stop it without pushing him further away

I am exhausted and honestly scared of what the next two years are going to look like

Has anyone dealt with a relationship like this that just won’t end and only seems to get more intense and destructive

I don’t know what the right move even is anymore

Sorry what?
Wash your hands of him?

Your son is in a relationship with a very troubled girl, and it is going to take alot to get him extricated from this. You don't mention why she was permanently excluded when you say they did everything together, that seems odd, and it seems the parents don't give a shit if they were letting her sleep over with your son at age 14. you also don't mention your son's father, where is he and how involved if at all is he?

I personally think you will not be able to do anything without professional help. This is way beyond your abilities to deal with.

BRAVO 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Yawn..🥱

keep your filling children’s heads with nonsense to yourself.

The OP has said that for a long time she believed the other child to be a boy, and that the relationship was nothing more than a close friendship. Pre- and early- pubescent boys and girls can pass as androgenous. Ergo, a boy having his best friend who is another boy over for a sleepover is not exactly newsworthy.

She hasn't given us an exact timeline but I imagine the sleepovers were stopped when she discovered that they were in a relationship, and/or that the boy was actually a girl. (Edited - actually she has given us an idea of timeline. They are in year 10 now. Their relationship began in year 7, and; "at first I genuinely thought it was just a very intense friendship, they were inseparable, sleepovers every weekend, matching trainers, constantly on FaceTime, I didn’t think anything of it.")

Are some of you seriously saying that you wouldn't let your year 7 boys have a sleep over with their best friend? She thought they were a boy, and she was unaware that her son had any romantic or sexual feelings towards them.

I find it hard to believe OP didn't twig.

Well said.

hes a 14yo little twit, far far from any sort of adult.
how has he gone so wrong? How does he have no respect for you? How has he made such a mess and what have you done before this. I know many people with teens and none of them with children like this. He needs to be brought down to earth, back to his education and some rules in his life. If you don’t rein this in, he will be a lost cause.

I assume this other 'boy' is physically a girl, so they are having heterosexual sex. Not getting into the trans thing particularly but it does complicate things, your son may or may not be gay, it must be very confusing for him at his age to have feelings for this person who he regards as a boy but is physically female. I agree you have to end this relationship for the sake of your son. The other boy may have all sorts of problems if his home is bad and he has problems with sexual identity, but you can't visit all of his problems on your son. I would be seriously considering moving, get him totally away from the situation and into another school where he can relax and start to form new friendships.

Stating facts isn’t ’GC Nonsense’. It’s reality. Someone who is claiming to be homosexual whilst in a heterosexual relationship is actually being homophobic.

Can you leave? Rent out the house and travel?

So his ‘boyfriend’ is actually female ? This isn’t a homosexual relationship OP.
So yes, contraception is vital.
Also this sounds a very unhealthy relationship and the girl sounds very troubled, no doubt identifying as trans is part of that.

This !

Could he be ND? @CommanderRexthe reason I say this this rings bells similar to my DD.

She is Y10, her friends pretty much all have challenges - some more than others. Her main friend is part school / part alternative placement. If she is in school my daughters need not to upset her and be a ‘good’ friend means she just goes along with her. Days she is not in she is pretty well behaved.

she is also very dependent on her small group
of friends - if the are not in she won’t want
to be in school as she doesn’t like to walk in alone or not have support there.

There is also history of self harm.

Allowing a sexual partner to stay over at that age was insane and has certainly caused some of this. Your son is ruling the roost. I’d just put a stop to it all as he won’t stop until he is in the PRU too ruining his future.

That sounds really tough, I’m sorry you’re facing this . I think you should make an Early Help Assessment referral to children’s services at your local authority, as your child is at risk of permanent exclusion.

I haven't read the full thread but in my area they often wont put two children from the same school in a behaviour pattern in PRU together.

So your child might end up with being directed to education at another school or being given online pru until their parter is moved on from pru.

I feel like there should be an outside agency that could help with unhealthy relationships - like coercive control almost but I cant think who. Id ask school for help identifying an appropriate agency. There are mentors out there

I'd point out that there are very few spaces available and that he might end up in the 'wrong' PRU with a group of unsavoury characters.

Agreed.

In my LA (in Scotland, admittedly) they're only taking children who are 'known to the police'.

Probably unnecessary in this instance, but safe sex- sure.

Please read the full thread.

This doesn’t smell right at all.
It really reads like the OP’s son is the female party. It seems very adolescent girl behaviour. And sex at 14? Sleepovers?

A very confusing thread all round

I think I'd move in your position

I'd also get private counselling

If not earlier. And even though op says she didnt know, it may potentially be seen as a safeguarding failure allowing very underage children to be having sex. And sorry, I find it difficult that someone wouldn't have told you that she isn't a boy.