14yo son trying to get himself permanently excluded to follow his bf to PRU

[CommanderRex]

I don’t even know how to write this properly so sorry if it’s a mess

My son is 14 now year 10 and has been with the same boy since year 7, at first I genuinely thought it was just a very intense friendship, they were inseparable, sleepovers every weekend, matching trainers, constantly on FaceTime, I didn’t think anything of it

By year 8 it was obvious it was more than that which is fine, I have zero issue with him being gay, that is not the problem at all

The problem is the relationship itself and what it’s turned him into

They get into trouble together constantly, skipping lessons, vaping, wandering off site at lunch, backchatting teachers, my son was never like this in primary, he was cheeky but basically good, teachers liked him

The other boy was permanently excluded just before Christmas and since then it’s like my son has made it his life mission to follow him

He has been put on report twice this term and instead of being embarrassed he came home almost pleased about it saying it’s only report it’s not that deep, I actually felt sick

He’s started arguing with teachers, refusing homework, being late on purpose, he’s talking about how PRU would suit him better and mainstream is pointless, I honestly think he is trying to get himself permanently excluded so he can go to the same PRU as his boyfriend

When I say no to seeing him or try to put boundaries in place it escalates massively, shouting, doors slamming, telling me I’m ruining his life, and then the worst part is he threatens to hurt himself if I stop him seeing him, he has actually harmed himself before when I’ve said no, nothing life threatening but enough to terrify me and make me back down, I feel completely trapped by it

It’s been going on since 2022 and I kept thinking it’s just teenage intensity it will fizzle out, it hasn’t, it’s worse in year 10 not better

There is something very co dependent about it, if the other boy has a bad day my son spirals, if he’s in trouble my son makes sure he is too, it’s like they feed off each other in the worst way

I know the other boy doesn’t have a good home life and I genuinely felt for him, I tried to make him welcome here, dinners, lifts, letting him stay over, I thought if he had stability here it might help, instead it feels like it’s completely backfired and now my house feels like a base for all the drama

They argue and it’s dramatic, blocking each other, crying, swearing they’re done, then back together the next day like nothing happened, constant FaceTime, constant messaging, my son cannot seem to function without him

I’ve tried calm chats, firm boundaries, phone taken away, school involved, counselling suggested, he either shuts down or tells me I’m controlling and don’t understand

I’ve tried talking about safe sex and contraception and he literally rolls his eyes and walks off, says we know all that, won’t engage properly at all

His grades have dropped from solid 6s to scraping 4s, teachers say he’s capable but distracted, that’s putting it mildly

I feel like I am watching him slowly sabotage his own education and future and I don’t know how to stop it without pushing him further away

I am exhausted and honestly scared of what the next two years are going to look like

Has anyone dealt with a relationship like this that just won’t end and only seems to get more intense and destructive

I don’t know what the right move even is anymore

I think i would make it very difficult for your son to see his friend. If he self-harms you need to get help. Pay for therapy if necessary

So do I, it's very odd.

I’d consider asking the school for a meeting with the PRU head teacher where they can both tell him he won’t be going to that PRU and his attempts at getting there are wasted. I know how hard it is to get a CAMHS referral - does the school have a CAMHS link worker or counsellor instead? It sounds like he has really intense emotions and it does sound like a toxic relationship. Do you have other family members supporting you? Is there something he can do extra curricular where he might get some good role models or new friends such as a sport or arts group? Do you speak to the parent of his bf? Does their parent agree they are bad for each other? Might be good if they can help and keep bf away from your son and vice versa. Sending lots of supportive energy I’m sorry this is happening it sounds incredibly hard. Can you ask for social service support via early help?
Edited to add - due to the nature of the relationship now I’ve read full thread I really would ask for help via social care due to the sexual nature of their relationship too and the potential confusion and conflict with your son for him identifying as gay in a relationship with a trans boy (technically still cis girl) . I’m surprised school hasn’t discussed this with you already if they knew about the sleepovers. Early help can be really supportive don’t see it as a bad thing. Please ask them for support.
also re private therapy as others have suggested - I highly advise a qualified child psychologist or qualified child psychotherapist (check registrations on HCPC, BABCP, BACP websites) if you go private rather than a “counsellor” as anyone can call themselves a counsellor or therapist so ensure to check credentials and professional registrations and experience.

@CommanderRex any updates?