Have you ever had a friend that you just never heard from again?

[BeBusyBird]

No big fallout. No dramatic ending. Just one day they stopped reaching out, didn’t respond to your calls/texts and that was it. Did you ever find out why? Did you try to reconnect or did you let it go?

No but I’ve been the one to stop communicating. Just got completely fed up with them for a number of reasons and didn’t feel I owed them any explanation.

For years, and particularly after COVID, he turned into a tinfoil hat wearing, anti vaxxer, conspiracy theory, sour faced curmudgeon. I said to my other mate, at my age I want to meet my friends in the town a few times a year to have beers, light hearted fun, and chat. We all mutually agreed that our views and interests has diverged, so we just parted ways.

A couple of times. I guess relationships grow apart a people don't have the energy or will to keep them going.

To be fair I'm often the one that will let dwindling friendships limp on - so they've done me a favour by ghosting.

Unfortunately I did it to someone else. Their friendship was very draining, I'd try to be non-committal and let it fade but they just kept messaging me (inviting themselves to my house for dinner). I just went silent, I had my own shit going on, and whilst I'm not proud of myself, I don't really regret it.

I had a friend I really loved and valued, we had a lovely friendship - but with hindsight I see now how flaky and unreliable she was. She was becoming more and more flaky, and then one day I told her I was pregnant and she pretty much went silent after that. I think I had a couple of vaguely affectionate yet brief texts on birthdays/birth of my son etc (which only confused me) but she never replied to my messages. I have no choice but to assume it was my having a kid that was the issue, but who knows... I still find it a bit upsetting to think about, but also I do think now that she didn’t treat me amazingly whilst we were friends, and used to put me down or take the piss a bit harshly sometimes.

I just think now, you can’t choose how long someone wants to be friends with you, and if they want to move on that’s their right. My husband says “friends are either for a reason, a season or for a lifetime.”

Good for you! X

But thats a reason. We are talking about for no reason? Get on the bus mate!

Aye, but the Andrew Tate guy might well wonder why his mate's ghosted him.

I considered arguing with them, trying to persuade them that Tate is a shit. But I'd seen others do that and they just entrenched their position.

I hope they know why I did it. It might make them think. But I doubt it

Yes, and it's heartbreaking when it happens. I've come to realize that people have a lot of things going on in their lives, and their decisions are not always fully about us. Be thankful for the good times, and let the relationship be at peace. Took me a lot of heart-burning to get to this point.

I had a best mate in uni. Did everything together then she got a fella. She had a massive fallout with one of our flatmates then packed up, left and didn't hear from her for about 20 years, until she popped up on FB and we reconnected again. She then, after a couple of months, flew off the handle because in a quick chat, I asked her how her girls were doing and she went mental at fact her two daughters weren't referred to by their names! Made out I didn't take an interest in them or her for that matter and then blocked me! I didn't even know she'd had 2 daughters until we reconnected on FB and was quite happy shed blocked me as I found the outburst very unreasonable. A few months ago, she popped up on my 'people you might know' list and I blocked her as I didn't want all that hassle again. Some people just aren't meant to be in your life.

I made friends with someone where I used to work. From the day I left, they never responded to my comms so I just took it that now I'd left, I was no longer relevant.

I'm someone who only wants friendships that are two-sided so I don't find it such a wrench if someone decides for whatever reason they don't want my friendship. It's often difficult to say the words, so I cut them some slack and let it go in my head. It's the stoic in me!

Yes, a really odd one, my best friends when I was around 20. Got on really well with her bf too, he was a friend before they started dating, had been on holiday (camping) with both of them, stayed at her flat regularly. She moved from her flat with him, and left no forwarding address/number, and they both just disappeared out of our friendship circle. Totally out of the blue.

I bumped into her at Glasgow central station waiting for the same train probably 12 years later (she approached me, I didn’t even recognise her), she apologised for disappearing said something about they just wanted a different life (they were always a bit old beyond their years) and happily married with a dc.

I said it’s in the past, had a good catch up and a right belly laugh reminiscing about our youth on the hour long train journey it was natural and easy like we’d never been apart (she had moved to a town just 10 miles away), wished her well, politely said that was nice we should catch up again some day (but didn’t really mean it/never left contact details) - these were the days before mobile phones. She phoned my landline (had the same number as before which she must have had a note of) 4 times the following week, I ignored them (not through spite, I was glad she was doing well and enjoyed our catch up, but our lives had both moved on).

I have been the one to ghost someone. I knew her several years ago; not particularly close but were in the same social circle; exchanged Christmas cards for a few years etc.
in recent years she would phone me up whenever she had a problem, sometimes sounding a bit drunk. I’d spend ages on the phone with her talking through stuff. I’d send texts/PMs to follow up and check she was ok but hear nothing back. I even spoke to her about my concerns that she didn’t seem to have friends to talk to as we hadn’t been close but she was calling me with all her problems (far more gently approached - but she did agree we hadn’t been close) Nothing changed, she just kept phoning me and offloading. It got too much so I blocked her. It was a difficult decision and I feel guilty that I did it, but I was feeling incredibly used by her and the stress of her chaotic life was too much worry when I live far away from her.

I completely ceased contact with a close friend of many years fairly recently. She'd always been a bit 'showy', verged on snobbery now and again, but I thought of her as essentially kind and good company.

She was very insecure on reflection, she would deliberately delay answering messages then go out of her way to explain how terribly in demand she was (she wasn't, she just made a big showy deal of everyday social stuff). I started to get bored of this aspect of the friendship, she no doubt felt the shift, and we went into this weird transition of being catch up friends. The catch ups became a complete borefest, where she'd be stealth bragging the whole time. It was a shame, because if she'd just been herself I would've gladly made the effort to stay friends.

I ceased contact completely, I stopped replying to her messages, and I stopped sending cards etc. I was completely over it, and I wanted that to be clear. If someone has cut a friendship dead, I think they've probably did so (as I did) because keeping residual contact gives false hope that the friendship can be rekindled at some point.

I think everyone has.

It's just life. It doesn't mean it was particularly meaningful either, just that things change, people change, circumstances change. Just life.

I got cancer last year. After the initial messages at diagnosis, I’ve heard nothing from 2 of my closest friends!

Yes twice. Both times it was very painful. I assume they had their reasons but I have no idea what they were, or alternatively, what I'd done. What was weird was that they both crawled back out of the woodwork years later and tried to establish contact as though nothing had happened. Yeah, no, I dont want to "grab a coffee" 10 years after you woke up one morning and never spoke to me again.

One of my longest standing friends (we knew each other in the early days at primary school and she was chief bridesmaid at my first wedding and I am godmother to her eldest) decided that she wasn't going to remain friends with me after I divorced (over 25 years ago). She only really heard my ex's side of the story and, at the time, revoked my invitation to her 40th birthday party in a marquee in her garden (more of a field, really! 🙂) while, subsequently, inviting my younger brother and his wife (whom she hardly ever saw) - I assume to make up numbers for the catering etc.

It was upsetting at the time, but I've realised that she never truly was the good friend I thought; looking back, she ghosted (before it was a term) me when we were much younger (before we both had children) for a period and I never understood what that was all about (she never discussed it, despite me trying to find out what had gone wrong). I now regard it as a fairly lucky escape as she has revealed herself to be a very judgmental person and tends to look down her nose at those who are not in the same social circle / income bracket.

Sometimes, these things, although seemingly inexplicable, are actually blessings in disguise.

Yes, my whole friendship group from school. I’d accidentally sent my best friend’s birthday present to her old address and couldn’t phone her on her birthday until late (23rd, so not a big one) as I worked from 5.30 - 20.30. This was back in the early 2000’s so no social media, internet phones and when we were told phones stayed in the lockers (I worked as a manager in food retail), that’s where they stayed. I was in the middle of moving 150 miles, living out a suitcase in a hotel miles from the store (I didn’t drive) and my department was getting a refit so I was on mandatory 12+ hour shifts.
When I did phone my friend on the bus on the way home, she didn’t answer my call and another of our friends told me I’d let her down and to never contact them again. I was hugely depressed at the time, working ridiculous hours and trying to find somewhere to live, so I didn’t. She and I had been friends since we were in nappies with other friends joining us during the school years. I still regret not trying to contact her later and miss not having life long friends although I have made good ones since.
What was more awkward was our parents were friends but don’t know the full story, her mum has since died and I couldn’t go to the funeral. Also, my aunty has since become friends with the girl who told me never to contact them again because they have dogs from the same letter. I didn’t want to blow up the old issue again, so haven’t enlightened her as to what her new friend is really like.

Yes I’ve been at both ends of this.

I used to have 2 best friends who were sisters, were friends for years, were family friends of my husband he’d grown up with them. I got pregnant and they both started pulling away and then they visited once when my daughter was born and I never heard from them again. It’s been 9 years.

I stopped speaking to a friend after she left her 2 year old daughter home alone, she didn’t like it when I challenged her about it being a safeguarding issue. Relationship soured after that and didn’t go back to the way it was. Eventually I just stopped getting in touch as often and she did the same.

Both times were painful but a reminder that people aren’t always meant to stay in our lives, everything happens for a reason.

Yes. Twice… same person. Did it to me in our early 20s, rekindled friendship in late 30s, only for her to do it again. It broke my heart for a long time, then I found out she had done it to someone else and I felt a bit better.

Nothing I can do now, I’ve moved on and happy with the not knowing. I’d prefer friends who can be honest: good, bad or ugly.

This is exactly why I did it. Felt drained after meet ups as was all about her. I’d get one thing in the conversation I really needed to talk about and she turned it back to her. Didn’t need that shit so blocked her.

I find this thread both very sad and also validating.

For me it’s can sometimes be blurry between a definitive ghosting and friendships that naturally drift (due to location/job moves or just maybe realising you weren’t that close and messages and contact mutually tails off).

But yes it’s happened to me several times and I do wonder if I’m the problem!

Recently a friend who I used to message regularly (say a few times a week) and meet maybe every 2-3 weeks in person. This reduced when she got a new partner and had a switch to a more demanding career (understandable - I didn’t complain!). So then we’d message maybe more like weekly/fortnightly and catch up every 1-2 months. Now no replies to my messages for over 2 months and the last I heard from her was suggesting a catch up, I replied positively and suggested a date - no reply.

Another friend was someone from school. We naturally drifted but about 10 years later via social media realised we were living in the same area again. I reached out, it appeared to be received positively and we made plans to catch up. She cancelled last minute due to illness, I suggested rescheduling and received no response. I suppose the friendship maybe had already moved on / didn’t exist but I’d rather preferred to have been ignored entirely in the initial re contact rather than going through making plans and thinking maybe a catch up would be nice - either just a one and done for old times sake or potential rekindling of friendship depending on how we felt after meeting.

The last example I’ll give is probably the most hurtful. This one was a very close friend - the type with lots of frequent communication and real life meeting regularly scheduled, including holidays together. There was one month where I was very busy and stressed with work and perhaps offloaded to her too much, but also realised this and stepped back a bit for a few weeks to sort myself out. I then suggested meeting up and she agreed and I felt the atmosphere was a bit off so I queried that and directly asked if I had done something to bother her. She said no, but then jumped to wanting to end the friendship. I asked why but she was very evasive and she clearly didn’t want to discuss it and proceeded to practically run out of the pub. I sent a text after saying I couldn’t/wouldn't want to force a friendship if that was what she really wanted but also suggested having another chat about it, or maybe a month or two break to come back to it later. She agreed to a break but I knew I’d never hear from her again. It upsets me because it felt we went from “best friends” to strangers in about two months and the not knowing why is what bothers me. But then again even if there was a reason I knew maybe it wouldn’t help if it was something wrong with me!

There’s lots more - including my oldest friend where admittedly we had fallen out of touch but we’re still connected on social media. I think I messaged her congratulating her on her new baby and received no reply. I wasn’t offended as imagined she as quite busy and we hadn’t spoken for years - but then realised she had unfollowed me which felt a bit deliberate and hurt for some reason.

I do think social media makes all this worse - years ago people would have drifted but you wouldn’t have the same continual reminders of what they’re up to which then probably makes a natural friendship drift feel more sad or pointed, even if it’s not? I’ve taken to unfollowing those who I’m not actively friends with to try and mitigate this (ironically maybe this is what my oldest friend had done to me given we hadn’t spoken for years - although she follows about 1000 other people so I do wonder if it was more personal).

Thanks to anyone who’s bothered to read all this - if I could afford it I think therapy might help me understand if I am the problem of not, although it wouldn’t really answer the questions I have as they can only be answered by my (ex) friends.