Does counselling hinder moving on?

[NamechangeOC]

I've just deleted a very long cathartic post about my best friend.

She's been in counselling for 6 years following the end of her marriage. As the time has gone on, it's opened up her childhood and is exploring that too.

My childhood and marriage end were far more extreme than hers - not a race to the bottom, just fact. I've made my peace with my past. I live going forward rather than looking back to my past.

Every time I spend more than 30 mins with my friend, she brings up her marriage or her childhood. I tolerate it to a certain extent. Yesterday she found it really hard when I challenged her - tbh I'd had enough of her talking about how horrid things had been for her and how it had been easier for me (it wasn't).

On reflection, I can see that she's unpicking all these things in counselling every fortnight, so of course they'll always be on her mind. How on earth can she move on then?

Is this true of all counselling?

I’ve had counselling a few times. First counsellor was a bit rubbish but she did say that I needed to stop picking the scab and let it heal. She also didn’t help me get to the bottom of my issues but maybe I wasn’t ready.
Second counsellor I saw for a couple of years. I worked through a lot and it totally changed me. But I dealt with things and although they can still hurt me I’m a different person. She helped me be ready for a healthy relationship.
But I am always moving forward and not living in the past. And I did have an epiphany which enabled me to stop being a victim.
So in my experience it was valuable but I can also see how you might enjoy the attention.

The bits of this that are really your business is her comparing her experiences to yours, assuming hers were worse + possibly her sharing a lot of upsetting-to-you detail + having her experiences dominate your conversations.

Whether the type of counselling she has is focusing on moving on / growing around / something else isn't your problem.

But you can set some boundaries around what you talk about - either in topics / time / other ways. Captain Awkward would give you useful starting phrases.

This 100%. It could be the model of therapy being offered, as all have slightly different focuses and goals but it may also be that this kind of focus is a sign of your friend being stuck on injustice issues. I think a gentle conversation with her about how often it comes up and how it is changing your friendship would be helpful.

It sounds to me as if she needs more specific therapy. There are many specialist types of therapy depending on the nature of the difficulties.

Myself I have been fortunate to havebecome available to me at various times in the past 23 year the therapy as I've needed them of different types.

She clearly has boundary problems as therapy should be kept for therapy and not discussed with all in sundry.

She has no awareness of this, especially discussing it with you, as you have your own stuff to deal with.

It's not the counselling so much is the problem. Its her behaviour.

I presume she is paying for it as she couldn't get 6 years counselling straight through, for free.

The main thing is you have finally spoke up about it to her. You are right to remove her from your life if that's what you wish to do.

It's not a healthy friendship and she clearly takes, and will continue to as long as you allow it

This is very interesting. I promised myself that when my dad died I’d get myself some good counselling (adoption/self worth etc issues) but I haven’t yet and don’t really know where to start. But definitely feel that once I start I can never stop 🙄

I don’t think our experiences can always be ’moved on’ from. This sounds like a rather simplistic view

I remember a friend becoming a bit narcissistic wrt their expectations of how people were supposed to behave towards them.

It does not sound as though the counselling is helping her to move on - more that she is stuck with dwelling on her problems and expecting others to want to listen to them too.
If it hasn't worked till now it probably won't (though a nice income stream for the counsellor).

I spent most of my adult life in therapy. I realised after attending a retreat as a teenager that I could be a lot happier than I actually was and made it my life’s mission to become the happiest version of myself. I did a lot 😂 Jungian, CBT, psychodynamic…I lived in NYC for a long time so it was a positive smorgasbord of self help. A few years ago I did some inner child regression with my current therapist. What a game changer that was! I’ve since qualified as an inner child regression therapist myself …it’s an amazing thing. In answer to the question I think long term, ongoing therapy can become quite navel gazing … and boring for those around the patient.

Ime it's the people who don't have counselling that get stuck. I know several like this, keen to tell you about how they've overcome xyz and there's no point having counselling, while also repeatedly going over and over xyz, often for years and years. Counselling can be an excellent way to move past this type of rumination.

It's completely down to the individual.

I've had lots of therapy since 2007 and it's helped the issues at the time.

I had therapy last year which helped me tremendously!! I originally wanted it for anger/rage issues but I didn't have so much anger/rage by the time of my first appointment so we worked on something else.
My mum made a flippant 'joke' comment to me when I was 7 and I only realised that it has affected me all my life during those sessions. My mum's comment caused me to have low self esteem for 4 decades and now I absolutely love myself and know that I've always been awesome thanks to the therapist.

Now, the thing that caused me anger and rage started to affect me towards the end of last year and into this year.

Im a firm believer in that we make our own happiness. We have choices in every aspect of our lives and I was so fed up of feeling negative emotions that I have consciously made the choice to not focus on the shit and focus on the good things that I have been blessed with as I am fortunate to have many blessings.
So even though I am definitely traumatised by the shit that's gone on in my life... I cannot let it rule me.

It's hard to not think about it but I don't dwell on it anymore.

I think everyone should be able to get counselling when they need it without the wait.

I'm a therapist. I don't think it makes much sense to judge who has had it hardest because it's not just the events that matter, but also the person's ability to cope with them at the time. Not everyone has the same level of resilience and resources to navigate what happens to them in life.

It does sound like she might be a bit stuck at the moment and good therapy would work on that, but everyone's pace is different. Some people bounce back quickly and others get stuck on things for years.

I can totally see why a friend blathering on about one or two topics ad nauseum could get frustrating, particularly if they are telling you their problems are worse than yours. Maybe you could put some boundaries in place with this friend, whether it's by telling her you'd like to balance your conversations with talking about other things as well or maybe you could take an indirect route by changing the subject and not feeding the conversation when it's focussing on her woes...

I worked as a therapist for about 15 years (but a long time ago so I am probably out of date in terms of current thinking), but one aspect I was always conscious of when dealing with a client who found it very hard to move forwards from their traumas towards healing was the issue of secondary gains and also secondary losses.

It appears to me that the OPs friend is unconsciously experiencing this, and is therefore resistant to the changes she needs to make to achieve a lasting form of recovery.

It can be very difficult for any therapist to handle this, as the client often resists even acknowledging that they are gaining anything from remaining locked in their traumas, and that they are potentially losing anything from recovery as well.

I feel for you OP as it can be very emotionally draining to maintain a friendship with someone who is constantly bringing this kind of traumatic emotional state into all your interactions. Make sure you can identify your own emotional limits and create some boundaries for yourself if you can. You sound like a very good friend OP, but there do have to be limits too. I hope you can find a way to balance your own needs against her emotional demands.

@NamechangeOC im a counsellor and I think 6 years with the same counsellor is too long. Why isn’t she making progress? When I did my masters in counselling we were told we are a stop on the train line of their life- not along for the whole journey.

I went to do a BACP counselling course
Gave up quickly
Most people doing it were either very damaged themselves or saw it as an easy way to make money
I would recommenced a psychiatrist which is a doctor level qualification rather than something anyone can sign up for