Does counselling hinder moving on?

[NamechangeOC]

I've just deleted a very long cathartic post about my best friend.

She's been in counselling for 6 years following the end of her marriage. As the time has gone on, it's opened up her childhood and is exploring that too.

My childhood and marriage end were far more extreme than hers - not a race to the bottom, just fact. I've made my peace with my past. I live going forward rather than looking back to my past.

Every time I spend more than 30 mins with my friend, she brings up her marriage or her childhood. I tolerate it to a certain extent. Yesterday she found it really hard when I challenged her - tbh I'd had enough of her talking about how horrid things had been for her and how it had been easier for me (it wasn't).

On reflection, I can see that she's unpicking all these things in counselling every fortnight, so of course they'll always be on her mind. How on earth can she move on then?

Is this true of all counselling?

I had Grief Counselling many years ago, after a few sessions, the counsellor made it perfectly clear that initially, her job was to provide me with a crutch to get through the crisis, then her role changes to help me not to need a crutch and to move forward, i had about 8 sessions.

She gave me the clarity to see a way forward, yes "Salvation Comes from Within" but sometimes help is needed to unlock that change.

If you get cancer, there are options, surgery, chemo, the cancer is either cured or the person dies.

What if the mental health issues can't be solved?

What can the counsellor do then?
I'm not wording it very well I know .

I ended an abusive marriage right after the death of my parent. Everyone encouraged me to go to counselling but I didn't find it helpful at all. I think my mind had been working overtime before I ended the marriage and I was sure in myself that I was doing the right thing. I didn't need to rehash the abuse.
I also paid for my young adult daughter to have counselling at the same time. Her father had been increasingly nasty to her before he left the family home. She found it very helpful. I think she needed to tell someone neutral everything and work through her feelings. She's older now and I've been encouraging her to go to counselling again as I know she's still struggling with the past.
I don't think counselling is a thing that you just say is good or bad, helpful or unhelpful. I think it's a tool that should be available to anyone who is struggling.
Also everyone has a different immediate circle of people they can talk to. My sister definitely counselled me through the end of my marriage and we have talked about our childhood a lot. My daughter needed to get that support from a professional.

This is not really related to the OP and her friends situation, but I just want to clarify why I'm personally finding the suggesting that if you aren't fixed with one lot of therapy then you don't want to get better

I've had an anxiety disorder my whole life, probably rooted in things that did and didn't happen in my childhood. I don't dwell on my childhood at all. I barely ever think about it. Since therapy I'm very aware of the way I think, I don't fall into negative ways of thinking, don't fly off rhe handle and spiral into despair over things random people have said to me. I've always been very upfront in therapy that I want and need to change. My anxiety has been through the roof at times to the point of being terrifying. At my worst, I had to be sedated because I was living in permanent panic attack - which to me is absolute terror, thinking I'm about to die, not being able to be on my own, constantly need to speak to people for reassurance. That went on for months. I wanted to get better and was getting help

Now my mental health is better than its ever been, but I still struggle to do some things. The idea that people think thats because I don't want to get better is really is very hurtful

I know this is more extreme on face value than what the OP's friend seems to be going through, but my point is that no-one knows what is going on in someone else's head. Some people deal with things better than others because they are less prone to mental illness or whatever. Some people can't just get on with life

Perhaps they're better off talking to someone than just sitting in mental illness speaking to no one?

Very little in life is certain but that doesn't mean that we just give up does it?

If MH issues cannot be resolved, that person is likely to be on medication or worse for the rest of their days

Ive tried counselling twice (2 different counsellors) & never got what I wanted from it. I went into it wanting CBT - ‘solutions’ I suppose, meaning tools I could use going forward, but both counsellors felt person centred/traditional therapy would be a better bet.
Both times I felt that ruminating weekly about how shitty my past had been was of no benefit whatsoever - yes I know it was shitty, so what do I do about it! Months later I still was none the wiser as to what I should do to help myself so gave up.

But perhaps they are not if it’s not helping. Perhaps they need to try something else. Especially when it is so expensive

Such as?

I’ve had 2 lots of therapy in my life. CBT for anxiety, talking therapy for grief of sorts. The former I found really pragmatic and helpful, coping strategies, common sense stuff that helps me still to this day.

Talking therapy I found exhausting and entirely unhelpful. I talked around in circles, opened up stuff I didn’t really need to, not sure if my counsellor was just rubbish but she didn’t really help in anyway, just asked questions to lead to the next trauma realisation. Nothing felt fixed. It felt like picking a scab.

I can’t even begin to imagine how fucked up I’d be if that 6 sessions turned to 6 years 😂 I think you can dwell too much. It causes you to live in the past too much.

The counsellor doesn’t want to kill the golden goose.

I do agree with you, certainly to a point. Counselling can be very useful for many people in the short term, in complex circumstances perhaps the medium term but at some point you do need to draw a line and look to the future. Remember for counsellors it is their business so perhaps a less ethical practitioner doesn’t say to a client time to stop (most will!) Of course sometimes counselling can evolve to support moving forward but from your post I don’t think this is the case with your friend

I have just started therapy to help me process the unexpected death of my young adult daughter last October. I am suffering from trauma and grief and have felt demented and suicidal at times. I am on my third session. It’s too early really to say if I think it will help me but I suspect it might help to address the trauma and shock rather than the grief. I feel I owe it to my remaining children to try to be a bit more functional. I certainly don’t anticipate being in therapy for 6 years though. That to me seems like you would end up going around in circles and never move on.

@LadyMacbethWasFierce I sincerely hope it works for you, so sorry for what you’ve been through.

Any counsellor who's motivated by using the client as a continuing income stream is practising unethically.

I’ve had psychotherapy with various therapists over the years and for me it’s not been very effective. I become very stuck on a mental loop of the past and never really get to a point of resolution. I can’t seem to change or improve anything on a practical level. It’s also been difficult to get to the root of the problems because I end up crying and unable to talk so I avoid talking about the things I need to unpick. I’m neurodivergent, which I didn’t know at the time, and these are ways in which I respond to difficult or traumatic things - avoidance within the session and obsession/scripting outside. I still want and need therapy but I’m looking into other methods now.

I trained as a counsellor and agree that there's got to be a end point, unless it's made clear that you are just paying for talking therapy. Talking therapy is beneficial, I had it to accept my new normal after life changing illness. My counsellor has moved on to injured ex Army personnel. My sister has had counselling since her early 20s. She likes to think that things scar you for life and have excuses. She was in SW management and part of task forces. She sees survivors of much worse, so knows recovery is possible, but likes the victimhood status. Counsellors can't be bluntly honest, which she needed fifty years ago. Likewise the patient needs to be honest. Many aren't. I've stopped letting people constantly trauma dump. That's what this is about. They've become stuck and once it is clear that listening isn't doing either of you any good, put a stop to it. Then it's about her autonomy and leaving her to it, out of earshot.

YABU
I dealt with this a lot when I went to therapy to deal with trauma and a traumatic past. People go to counselling or therapy when they already need help moving on and haven't processed what they went through.

Without therapy, I was still living the trauma every day, I just hadn't processed it and it was affecting every aspect of my daily life. Therapy brought it more to the surface but it helped me deal with it, understand it and move through it - it wasn't that I was fine and then decided to have therapy and suddenly it was a problem.

It's like physical therapy. It can be hard, it can be time-consuming, it can bring injuries to the forefront - but it is a means to an end. Some people don't need it - they heal and process and they're ok, or they don't feel that they want or need it. But some do, and they shouldn't be judged for that.

In some circumstances like developmental trauma, personality disorders, or certain other conditions, it can be helpful to view it similarly to physical therapy. Not a magic cure, but a form of longterm treatment to help with overall wellness and stability.

Councillors can’t cure mental health issues because they are not medically qualified.

They can help you think about your behaviour and life decisions but if you have continual mental health issues you need to see a doctor.

I think the thing a lot of people seem to forget when looking at people who have had therapy is that personalities still exist. You can have the best therapy in the world, but still like to talk about yourself and your problems and seek sympathy, because thats your personality, or normal to you due to your upbringing, or you enjoy doing it and not necessarily because the therapy is not working or not very good.

Think how many people huff and puff when they get told they could fix their issue through physio, then dont do the physio properly or at all, then continue to need help or go 'the doctor didnt do anything, they just gave me physio'

Mental illness and trauma and injury and any kind of sickness doesnt mean a person's personality goes on pause.

The thing is, though, that some of what you might consider ‘personality’ is a baked-in longtime coping mechanism for dealing with something. A lot of what I would have said was my ‘personality’ (independent, determined, observant, bookish, a good talker, excellent at gatherings of strangers at making things gel socially, very uneasy at anything that requires bodily movement, disordered eating) turns out to be to a great extent stuff that kept me safe from the effects of CSA and a generally neglectful childhood.

Oh I totally agree! Its not always the case though, sorry, I should have made my point a clearer there!

My sister has always lurched f4om one perceived crisis to the next. Friends have distanced themselves from her but the counsellor just keeps going. I do think it reaches a point where it becomes re-traumatising. You start to heal in your own way and live wih the experience then start the whole thing again. It has to come to a point where you take charge and say no more I'm going ro concentrate on now and not past.

I'm so sorry for your loss @LadyMacbethWasFierce . I hope counselling helps you find the peace and acceptance you need.

I think this thread, and my reflections over the day, have helped me recognise that my friend still isn't at the acceptance point of what happened to her. She can act as a victim in other areas of life, and I sadly think her ongoing talking about her counselling is an outworking of this.

Other friends I know who have counselling do so for a season, then move on. I feel like these sessions give her an audience for her past trauma.

I know we're all different, but I'm sad for her that she doesn't seem able to move on from her past. I have no doubt the counsellor will be encouraging her to.