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Original poster

Do I call out DHs lie or keep quiet?

144 replies

TheDancingHorses · 22/02/2026 07:22

Bit of background - DH and I have been together 16 years. All generally good except for his sister who, many years ago, decided she didn’t like me and set about trying to make my life a misery. She turned their parents against me, slagged me and my kids off to anyone who’d listen, tried to split me and DH up, etc.
Unfortunately, DH never really did anything about this and, if anything, actively put his sister first - for example, telling me he didn’t want to get married to me as he didn’t think his sister would be welcome and insisting she came to our children’s birthdays as she’s their aunt and had a right to be there. Apparently (according to DH) they have a ‘special bond’ and she’s always been good to him’ but, over the years, his stance has hurt a lot.

Anyway, we were talking earlier about his sister and I asked when he last spoke to her. He was a bit shifty and gave a vague “ oh a week or so”. Over the years he’s only ever called her when I’m not around and i’ve said that he doesn’t need to as he should just call he whenever he wants. I’m not bothered or interested in what they’re talking about. If anything, it seems weird him only talking when I’m not around, it’s as if he’s hiding things like them talking badly about me.
I’m not proud to say but he was being shifty so I looked at his call log on his phone and can see that, sure enough, he called her yesterday while I was out for the day.

i’m now torn - why’s he lied about phoning and what else has he been lying about over the years? Or am I an even worse person for looking at his phone?
I feel like I should keep quiet as it’s my own fault for checking on him but I also know that the knowledge he’s lied is not going to go away.
Any advice on what to do would be great, thank you!

OP posts:
YouDriveMeCrazyButICanDoThatMyself · 22/02/2026 07:28

If he’d told you he’d spoken to her yesterday what would your response be?
Maybe he didn’t want you to give him a hard time, if that’s your usual response, and felt better not to discuss it. she’s his sister, and he’s stuck in the middle of you both, it was a harmless white lie, something everyone does from time to time. I think it’s far worse that you looked at his phone, so I’d stay quiet about it. What would you gain by telling him? It would just cause aggro, presumably the thing he wanted to avoid, and would stir up more trouble. Let it go and don’t look at his phone again.

SparklyGlitterballs · 22/02/2026 07:33

Your biggest mistake was marrying/staying with someone who never stood up for you when his sister was being awful, or having your back when she was influencing his parents. The phone call stuff seems small fry in comparison.

catipuss · 22/02/2026 07:34

He wanted to keep it vague to avoid an inquisition. He is obviously fond of his sister and is walking a thin line between you and her and just trying to avoid conflict. Keep quiet, does it really matter if it was yesterday or last week?

Tresesgreen · 22/02/2026 07:37

SparklyGlitterballs · 22/02/2026 07:33

Your biggest mistake was marrying/staying with someone who never stood up for you when his sister was being awful, or having your back when she was influencing his parents. The phone call stuff seems small fry in comparison.

This. It’s not clear if you are married now. But wife beats family. Why do you settle for someone who was actively supporting someone destroying you.

if you are married sit him down and say I have had someone abuse me for x years (.your sister) and you never supported me by removing that person from our lives so I’m filing for divorce. Mean it and do it.

beAsensible1 · 22/02/2026 07:37

It doesn’t matter though does it? You’ve checked his phone to prove when he spoke to his sister, again why? What was the point, why is the when relevant.

goz · 22/02/2026 07:38

He lied because you would clearly take an issue with him saying he called her when you went out yesterday. Checking his call log is controlling.

PermanentlyExhaustedPigeonZZZ · 22/02/2026 07:40

Perhaps say he seemed uncomfortable when you asked him the other day and reiterate that you're totally fine with him having a relationship with his sister and he can call her whenever and doesn't have to cover it up. I hope that's the case anyway. Don't specifically call out the lie?

Brewtiful · 22/02/2026 07:41

goz · 22/02/2026 07:38

He lied because you would clearly take an issue with him saying he called her when you went out yesterday. Checking his call log is controlling.

I agree. Regardless of all the past issues checking someone's phone log is controlling behaviour, the stuff that happened in the past doesn't make this ok.

He obviously didn't tell you it was yesterday because of how he knew you'd react. Checking his phone proves he was right.

IdentityCris · 22/02/2026 07:45

What was the context of you talking about his sister and asking this question? From everything you say about her, it seems unlikely that any conversation you and your husband had about her would have been a cosy chat, so it may well be that it was so uncomfortable that he felt that it would exacerbate problems if he said he'd spoken to her very recently.

lifeisgoodrightnow · 22/02/2026 07:48

He probably didn’t want an interrogation

Meadowfinch · 22/02/2026 07:48

OP, she's his sister, they have a life long bond. Don't expect him to choose between you.
You clearly don't like her (maybe with good reason) and he knows that, so he calls her when you aren't around. Completely understandable that he can have a catch up and a laugh with someone he loves, without causing tension between you.

But you think it's OK to go through his phone!! Wow! Do you think you may be getting this a little out of proportion?

Just adopt a superficially friendly approach. Occasionally ask how she is. Be generally polite about her. You don't have to be her new best friend but a less combative approach would mean there would be no reason for him to lie.

TY78910 · 22/02/2026 07:49

Why do you need to know when he last spoke with his sister though? See, I’m always very skeptical when posters say ‘on the off she decided she didn’t like me’ - clearly there’s an issue on your part if you need to know when they spoke?

BeMintFatball · 22/02/2026 07:50

OP I’m in the same situation as you except further down the line. Been with my husband for nearly 34 years. I wish my husband would have stood up to his sister, she is 4 years older than him but never happened.

She was awful to my eldest daughter but not the second one who we appointed godmother. But even DD2 has had run ins with her. Sister in law is a very odd character.

You can’t make him choose between you and sister . I cope by never asking about her and letting him crack on with his relationship with her. The rest of his family are lovely, it’s just her.

saltandvinegarpringles · 22/02/2026 07:51

She’s his sister - you’re never going to win this so just leave him to have a relationship with her without getting involved and interrogating him about it.

Olderandwiserpossibly · 22/02/2026 07:52

Brewtiful · 22/02/2026 07:41

I agree. Regardless of all the past issues checking someone's phone log is controlling behaviour, the stuff that happened in the past doesn't make this ok.

He obviously didn't tell you it was yesterday because of how he knew you'd react. Checking his phone proves he was right.

Show quote history

Regardless of past issues?
They aren't past issues are they?

OP 's H has consistently failed prioritise her over his sister. That's not how marriage is supposed to work.
But if course on MN looking at someone's phone is the cardinal sin which is far far worse than any other.

I don't know how OP's marriage has survived this quite important glitch in her relationship with her H. And i think yes she should tell him she knows he phoned his sister. And tell him that lying and secrecy over his contact with his sister has to stop because otherwise what is the point in their marriage,

DaisyChain505 · 22/02/2026 07:54

It’s hard to judge without knowing you personally. Yes his sister could genuinely be in the wrong or you could also have shown behaviour that warrants her opinions but you just can’t see it.

At the end of the day this is his sister. He shouldn’t have to choose between the two of you and you definitely shouldn’t be checking his phone.

You’ve made it clear that you don’t want a relationship with her but that doesn’t mean your husband or children need to do the same.

DaisyChain505 · 22/02/2026 07:56

Olderandwiserpossibly · 22/02/2026 07:52

Regardless of past issues?
They aren't past issues are they?

OP 's H has consistently failed prioritise her over his sister. That's not how marriage is supposed to work.
But if course on MN looking at someone's phone is the cardinal sin which is far far worse than any other.

I don't know how OP's marriage has survived this quite important glitch in her relationship with her H. And i think yes she should tell him she knows he phoned his sister. And tell him that lying and secrecy over his contact with his sister has to stop because otherwise what is the point in their marriage,

Show quote history

Or you could flip this and ask why the OP’s husband feels the need to fib about when he last spoke to his own sister. Is he used to the OP being shitty and off with him if he was to be honest and say “Yes we had a half hour phone call just this morning.”

Isit2026yet · 22/02/2026 07:57

@TheDancingHorses you don't have to like or get along with his family. But she is his sister and if he wants to have a relationship with her that’s fine. Checking his phone logs is a bit much. And clearly this subject is a trigger for you hence the response he gave.

SyntheticFluff · 22/02/2026 08:01

Why would you even be interested in when he last spoke to her? Does it matter when it was?

Whowhenwhat · 22/02/2026 08:02

SparklyGlitterballs · 22/02/2026 07:33

Your biggest mistake was marrying/staying with someone who never stood up for you when his sister was being awful, or having your back when she was influencing his parents. The phone call stuff seems small fry in comparison.

Basically this. You are focusing on the wrong thing. He has allowed you to be abused by his sister over the years so he is complicit in it.

I would be rethinking my relationship to this abusive man and his family. they're all as bad as each other. Stop pandering to the sil by inviting her round ever again. You're a grown woman, you can decide never to see her again, and mean it. Then work on your self esteem and be free of your awful husband too.

Brewtiful · 22/02/2026 08:04

SyntheticFluff · 22/02/2026 08:01

Why would you even be interested in when he last spoke to her? Does it matter when it was?

It doesn't sound like she was actually interested more than she just wanted to poke the bear and look for an argument if that makes sense.

If this person is someone the OP doesn't like and hasn't for years it seems unlikely she was asking out of genuine interest.

goz · 22/02/2026 08:04

DaisyChain505 · 22/02/2026 07:56

Or you could flip this and ask why the OP’s husband feels the need to fib about when he last spoke to his own sister. Is he used to the OP being shitty and off with him if he was to be honest and say “Yes we had a half hour phone call just this morning.”

Show quote history

Well the fact that she questions him in the first place sort of gives you the clue.
If OP hasn’t spoken to the SIL in years there’s really no need for her to be bringing SIL into conversation and keeping tabs on when the DH has spoken to her.

beAsensible1 · 22/02/2026 08:05

Olderandwiserpossibly · 22/02/2026 07:52

Regardless of past issues?
They aren't past issues are they?

OP 's H has consistently failed prioritise her over his sister. That's not how marriage is supposed to work.
But if course on MN looking at someone's phone is the cardinal sin which is far far worse than any other.

I don't know how OP's marriage has survived this quite important glitch in her relationship with her H. And i think yes she should tell him she knows he phoned his sister. And tell him that lying and secrecy over his contact with his sister has to stop because otherwise what is the point in their marriage,

Show quote history

oh come on. Unless someone has done something heinous asking your partner to choose between you and sibling is outrageous.

why do you need to. Why can’t you just dislike each other and not interact. There’s no need for you to be chummy or overly interactive. You say hello frostily once or twice a year at family gatherings and keep it moving. Causing your partner unnecessary strife and trying to make them choose because a sibling “dislikes” you is destructive.

Yogabearmous · 22/02/2026 08:07

I get why you checked his phone. You feel like he has always sided with her and she has tried to destroy your marriage, so you wanted to know if he would lie. He has, and this will make you feel like he is still willing to get in the gutter to side with someone who has been so nasty.
I don’t honestly think I would stay with him, as that is quite low.
there are lots of people on here saying she is his sister and they have a bond - doesn’t he have a duty to his wife and kids first ?

Notquitethetruth · 22/02/2026 08:07

@TheDancingHorses while looking at his phone may be wrong I can understand why you did it.
Not only has she caused problems for you but she has targeted your children too. He is putting his sister ahead of his children and some of the replies suggest this is ok? I don't care how close they have been, any parent that puts a relationship with a sibling ahead of their own children would be gone. What ages are the children?
Her behaviour has not only caused problems for you but you suggest that your children have no relationship with their grandparents as a result.
Can you give any examples of what she has done?