Do I call out DHs lie or keep quiet?

[TheDancingHorses]

Bit of background - DH and I have been together 16 years. All generally good except for his sister who, many years ago, decided she didn’t like me and set about trying to make my life a misery. She turned their parents against me, slagged me and my kids off to anyone who’d listen, tried to split me and DH up, etc.
Unfortunately, DH never really did anything about this and, if anything, actively put his sister first - for example, telling me he didn’t want to get married to me as he didn’t think his sister would be welcome and insisting she came to our children’s birthdays as she’s their aunt and had a right to be there. Apparently (according to DH) they have a ‘special bond’ and she’s always been good to him’ but, over the years, his stance has hurt a lot.

Anyway, we were talking earlier about his sister and I asked when he last spoke to her. He was a bit shifty and gave a vague “ oh a week or so”. Over the years he’s only ever called her when I’m not around and i’ve said that he doesn’t need to as he should just call he whenever he wants. I’m not bothered or interested in what they’re talking about. If anything, it seems weird him only talking when I’m not around, it’s as if he’s hiding things like them talking badly about me.
I’m not proud to say but he was being shifty so I looked at his call log on his phone and can see that, sure enough, he called her yesterday while I was out for the day.

i’m now torn - why’s he lied about phoning and what else has he been lying about over the years? Or am I an even worse person for looking at his phone?
I feel like I should keep quiet as it’s my own fault for checking on him but I also know that the knowledge he’s lied is not going to go away.
Any advice on what to do would be great, thank you!

He calls his sister when you are not around because you made it weird. It might be good to speak to a counsellor about why you are stuck on this behaviour and why you want to find deception in it.

From what you’ve said, I think he avoids calling his sister when you are around because he knows you and she don’t have the best relationship, and is seeking to avoid any unpleasantness. But it does appear that there’s more going on here than your H’s contact with his sister.

I think he told a white lie just because he didn’t want to have to tell you if there was an update. I wouldn’t be worried about the lying, but I do think the white lie signals that there is an update and he is struggling to communicate with you.

i would be worried about what stuff his sister is stirring. I bet you she’s trying to keep the inheritance away from you.

it would also be helpful to know a little bit more about the background. Is there an enmeshment issue where the sister is dependent on your husband? Does she have her own husband and kids? She is displaying very manipulative behaviour, and your husband seems to go along with it for an easy life (or because he doesn’t know any different or how to set boundaries.

...... decided she didn’t like me and set about trying to make my life a misery.

Why?

If you are going to go down this route then there is not a single OP's posts on MN that you are going to believe.

Of course we get the OP'S take on the situation.

You are chosing not to believe her. I, on the other hand, do.

It does feel like a betrayal because she has form for disrespectful of you as his wife. So I see where you are coming from and I don’t think you’d have thought to have checked his phone if you weren’t feeling uneasy about it.
I can see it from both sides, I had a partner whose sister completely blocked me out and was rude to me with no come back. But I also had a brother who could only ring his mother or me when wife was out because she was so controlling and possessive. Basically he was scared of her. I hated his wife though I tried too hard to like her and be friendly
Wish I hadn’t bothered, but at the end of the day wives do tend to trump family.

So what!

It's a tricky one op and I think really the bed is kind of made here. You went snooping because you knew you'd find something but then tied your own hands with how you went about it.

I think ultimately you need to think about what you're bringing to this situation- the sister sounds awful and your husband is clearly a complete wet blanket. But if it were me I'd be sure that a bad word would never cross my mouth about his family because they are his family and he's essentially caught in the middle of this dynamic and trying to continue a relationship with everyone.

I agree he should have stepped up sooner, but often a spouse is much quicker to see unhealthy family dynamics than the person themselves because its what they've always known.

Are your children also his children or are they yours from a prior marriage?

I think if someone has been bad mouthing my children and my partner didn't defend us it would have been dead for me at that point tbh. But I think you need to think about your reactions, any eye rolls, any faces pulled anything like that that you've maybe done over the years when he's talked about her or mentioned her because all of that shuts him down to you.

I understand why you've snooped because you felt something was off, but if the only thing off was when they last spoke then I'm not sure that's really a big enough deal to snoop about if you genuinely don't care when they talked. It would probably have been better not to ask about it at all. It's hard to know as an outsider because he may be thinking that he can't control what his sister says so is trying to keep it seperate for that reason. Or maybe he just worries about it and keeps it separate to spare any drama. I'm sure you've had conversations about this in the past so it may be how he's interpreted those.

So on this instance I would actually come clean and tell him you felt like he wasn't being transparent and you snooped and apologise for invading his privacy. And then I'd tell him that you genuinely don't want him to feel like he needs to lie to you about it so what does he need from you to help with that. You both need to have a conversation.

Forget him telling a white lie about when or where he spoke to his sister.
Why are you staying with a husband who doesn't prioritise you .. or respect you enough to put his sister in her place that your his wife who he has had children with .
I'd be quietly getting my ducks in a row to get divorced .. don't put up with toxic people no matter who they are .

Why would he chat to her while you’re sitting there. I ring people to chat when I’m free to chat, not in company.
Ignore the negativity, you can’t force someone to like you.

Read Scenes from a Tragedy - sounds like a similarly unhealthy brother & sister dynamic.

You are allowing your SIL too much space in your head. He knows you don't like her, possibly justifiably, so keeps his conversations with her discreet. If SIL does or says something hurtful about you or your children in the future, you have every right to expect him to stand up for you. But until then, let sleeping dogs lie.

Why did your dh have to say there would be no wedding if she wasn't invited? Did you try to exclude her? Again she is his sister and they are both of yours children so he has as much right as you to decide the guest list.

Over the phone call you asked when they spoke about x, they may have spoken about that last week but had another call since, that isn't evidence he lied.

This

I think he was just trying to spare your feelings. I’m guessing if he had just told you you the truth you’d be posting on MN annoyed that he keep speaking to his sister despite her dislike of you etc.

I’m of this opinion too. The fact he lied about the phone call is the least of your worries OP.

Sister is a cunt, he's a lying prick and you're a dumb sucker for even getting married to him when you knew what a spineless prick he was....

I had much the same from my two sil and mil during the early years of my marriage. Dh never had my back and would make excuses for their negative behaviour. It hasn't always been easy especially when I've felt dh was siding/putting them before me, so I understand how you feel.
I haven't had a relationship with them for over 30yrs. Dh took our dc to visit regularly when growing up, but once they were old enough they decided they no longer wanted to go, dh still visits though.
You need to decide where you go from here. I chose to stay with dh and go nc with sils and mil. His family are never mentioned or talked about, and this has worked for us.

I’d suspect he’s slagging you off to her.