Do I call out DHs lie or keep quiet?

[TheDancingHorses]

Bit of background - DH and I have been together 16 years. All generally good except for his sister who, many years ago, decided she didn’t like me and set about trying to make my life a misery. She turned their parents against me, slagged me and my kids off to anyone who’d listen, tried to split me and DH up, etc.
Unfortunately, DH never really did anything about this and, if anything, actively put his sister first - for example, telling me he didn’t want to get married to me as he didn’t think his sister would be welcome and insisting she came to our children’s birthdays as she’s their aunt and had a right to be there. Apparently (according to DH) they have a ‘special bond’ and she’s always been good to him’ but, over the years, his stance has hurt a lot.

Anyway, we were talking earlier about his sister and I asked when he last spoke to her. He was a bit shifty and gave a vague “ oh a week or so”. Over the years he’s only ever called her when I’m not around and i’ve said that he doesn’t need to as he should just call he whenever he wants. I’m not bothered or interested in what they’re talking about. If anything, it seems weird him only talking when I’m not around, it’s as if he’s hiding things like them talking badly about me.
I’m not proud to say but he was being shifty so I looked at his call log on his phone and can see that, sure enough, he called her yesterday while I was out for the day.

i’m now torn - why’s he lied about phoning and what else has he been lying about over the years? Or am I an even worse person for looking at his phone?
I feel like I should keep quiet as it’s my own fault for checking on him but I also know that the knowledge he’s lied is not going to go away.
Any advice on what to do would be great, thank you!

Definitely this!

Why on earth do you progress a relationship with this man? Your also mention that she badmouths 'my kids' - presumably they are not her own neices and nephews? Why have you subjected them to this, too?

Honestly, the desperation for dick is just astounding around her sometimes.

I mean this kindly op but you need to move on from the anger about the situation with his sister or leave your marriage. It happened and you chose to marry him anyway but this will eat away at your marriage unless you find a way to deal with your anger. I'm not saying they didn't treat you badly. I wasn't there, but you must have seen enough good in him to stay after that.

Instead put your energy into limiting its impact on you. I go back to traditional forgiveness: agreeing not to take revenge. This is not about forgetting or never feeling but it is about accepting he is allowed his own relationship with his sister. I think contact when you're not around is actually the perfect solution. It has no impact on you. You can just ignore it. Don't ask about her or give her headspace. I recommend guided meditation on forgiveness, acceptance and moving on in these situations. It doesn't have to cost much. There are lots of online options that are very cheap.

OP, I have a sil. She doesn't like me or my sisters. Apparently we are intimidating 😳which (I think) means we work and she doesn't.

If we visit my dB, she doesn't engage, and hasn't for 30 years but that doesn't stop him chatting, visiting, buying us Christmas presents,having a laugh. We don't live in each others pockets, see him about twice a year but we have a strong bond so he treads a fine line but he'd never turn his back on us, nor we on him.
Sounds like the same is true of your dh. Just leave them to it. Be thankful that your dh has more people in his life who love him. That is seldom a bad thing.

Flip this?

What shitty behaviour by OP? That is a total invention on your part

OP specifically said:
I’m not bothered or interested in what they’re talking about. If anything, it seems weird him only talking when I’m not around, it’s as if he’s hiding things like them talking badly about me.

Why are you so intent on defending OP's H right to talk badly with his sister about his own wife?

Why are you determind to make OP the bad guy in this situation?

Tbh the fact he thinks lying is acceptable in his marriage is pretty damning even without the situation with his sister. Trying to minimise it by calling it " fibbing" doesn't make it acceptable.

You want him to be comfortable phoning his sister anytime. Complaining You have found out he called her yesterday does exactly the opposite. Its not a serious lie and snooping at phone was worse. I would let it go.

ETA his sister's behaviour to you is awful and him prioritising her at kids birthday and re wedding unacceptable. But on this specific instance yabu if you bring up the lie.

Call me cynical but are ypu married to him because you love him and want to be with him or do you love the sister drama more?

In my books, "spying on one's phone" is a much bigger problem than "lying about talking to sister".

So in your shoes, I wouldn't say anything and reflect on how my controlling behaviour leads to my husband feeling like he has to lie about such a trivial thing.

how is it possible that he didn’t stick up for you when she was trying to stop you getting married and put his parents off you. HE CHOSE YOU. Regardless of what they said or thought. He chose you. Everyone is not going to be confrontational or make grand declarations. But he keeps his relationship with her siloed and doesn’t bring her up.

theres a mad expectation for men especially to go off at their families when their wives dislike behaviours. Its not realistic and not how most people deal with inter family conflict at all. and worst of all is expects behaviours that they don’t exhibit themselves and more often than not the DH is mild mannered.

your DH has more than likely had multiples chats with all of them.

if he was choosing his family over his wife and kids why are you still married.

All of this !

Thanks for all the comments, definitely a mixed bunch. I agree I shouldn’t have looked at his phone, it was wrong and means that I know he lied.
I honestly wish now that I hadn’t stayed with him, I would’ve saved a lot of heartache and damage to my self esteem if I’d called it a day years ago. I was stupid and naively thought things would improve. I also thought splitting up would’ve been damaging to the kids but now I feel I’ve massively messed up. But, I can’t turn the clock back and I’m struggling with what to do going forward.

I have no problem with DH speak to or seeing his sister, and I wouldn’t have cared if he spoke to her yesterday or last week or whenever. No interrogation either way. I know how important his sister is to him, I guess I just wish I felt equally important but it’s been years and it’s not going to change now.

I’ll keep quiet and instead focus on what I want to do going forward.

Thanks again

There are some scenarios that pop up here where you'd really like to hear the other side of things - ie, here, the sister's...

Definitely the former! I absolutely hate drama and have spent the majority of my life being a huge people pleaser who actively avoids any type of conflict and drama. I married him as I loved him and thought we could get past any problems caused by his sister. Turns out I was wrong but hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I never quite understand why phone-checking is always deemed a worse offence than the behaviour it uncovers.

It's ok to leave. Dont stay and let this eat away at you. If you really can't move on in your marriage you need to move on outside it. This is no way to live.

Was it the case that you suspected DH had been talking to his sister, because of the way he was talking to you @TheDancingHorses ?
You then looked at his phone after he said he hadn't to confirm it?

I don't think you should have checked (but understand why you did) I think you could have said, and can still say, that the way he is talking to you is unacceptable. Point out that when he has treated you like that previously, it has been prompted by his sister.

So how do you feel about your marriage now @TheDancingHorses Is everything else lovely apart from the SIL thing or is this one of a hundred similar things and you are hanging on my your fingernails.

You don't have to stay with him.

Personally, if this was the only thing, I would let it go. You have accepted there's animosity there and live with it so it's likely he's going to lie about this one thing. If it's another festering turd in an open sewer of other festering turds - bin the feckin lot of them.

He has a relationship with her and you need to either accept this and stay or don't accept it and leave.
I can't imagine how i would feel if someone went through my phone and tried to catch me out

It is much, much worse when the behaviour it uncovers is 'he spoke to his sister'...

I don't think you need to do anything.
It sounds like your husband is keeping his relationships separate because you and his sister don't get along.
Why would you think that he's only talking to her when you're not there so he can speak badly of you?
I'd find it irritating if my dp was having lengthy conversations on the phone with someone else while I was sat there tbh. Moving to another room to take calls is normal behaviour for us, it's just privacy. With the history, your dh has taken that a step further and only calls his sister when you're not around.
Im not sure why you were asking him about when he last spoke to her. Why does it matter?

If that is his only crime I would let it go or are there other things?

You shouldn’t have looked at his phone. I’ve been where you are, knowing he’s lied but unable to call it out without revealing why, and it will just eat you up.

You don’t care when or if he talks to his sister, so why even ask?

It’s a complete invasion of privacy and in instances like this, incredibly controlling behaviour.

I do understand why some people do it, for instance when they’re 99% sure there’s an affair and just need cold hard evidence to confirm what their gut is telling them so they can LTB without doubting their decision.

In this instance a man has spoken to his family member in private. Why should he not be allowed to speak to them without OP’s knowledge whenever he wants? What would people say if a man did this to his wife?

If you're feeling like the marriage is at breaking point after all the cumulative stress then you need to talk to him honestly, telling him that it's pretty much make or break now.

I'm not saying give him an ultimatum, choosing you or his sister, but explain that it's eaten away at you and your marriage so much over time that you're now at the point where you wish you'd left years ago.

Do you and your children have any positive relationship with your PIL?

It sounds like he is scared of you. It's madness that he feels the need to lie about talking to his sister and you check his phone for when he did. What exactly did his sister say about you? Could there be any truth in her reasons for disliking you?