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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I call out DHs lie or keep quiet?

144 replies

TheDancingHorses · 22/02/2026 07:22

Bit of background - DH and I have been together 16 years. All generally good except for his sister who, many years ago, decided she didn’t like me and set about trying to make my life a misery. She turned their parents against me, slagged me and my kids off to anyone who’d listen, tried to split me and DH up, etc.
Unfortunately, DH never really did anything about this and, if anything, actively put his sister first - for example, telling me he didn’t want to get married to me as he didn’t think his sister would be welcome and insisting she came to our children’s birthdays as she’s their aunt and had a right to be there. Apparently (according to DH) they have a ‘special bond’ and she’s always been good to him’ but, over the years, his stance has hurt a lot.

Anyway, we were talking earlier about his sister and I asked when he last spoke to her. He was a bit shifty and gave a vague “ oh a week or so”. Over the years he’s only ever called her when I’m not around and i’ve said that he doesn’t need to as he should just call he whenever he wants. I’m not bothered or interested in what they’re talking about. If anything, it seems weird him only talking when I’m not around, it’s as if he’s hiding things like them talking badly about me.
I’m not proud to say but he was being shifty so I looked at his call log on his phone and can see that, sure enough, he called her yesterday while I was out for the day.

i’m now torn - why’s he lied about phoning and what else has he been lying about over the years? Or am I an even worse person for looking at his phone?
I feel like I should keep quiet as it’s my own fault for checking on him but I also know that the knowledge he’s lied is not going to go away.
Any advice on what to do would be great, thank you!

OP posts:
Howwilliknow122 · 22/02/2026 11:20

pinkdelight · 22/02/2026 11:08

Well clearly you're the spoiling for a fight type too whereas I'm more quiet life so won't be matching your ire, but several people on the thread take my view too, so it's not so cut and dried no matter how angry it makes you.

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🤣🤣🤣 no i like a quiet life too actually I just wasnt put on this earth to be treated like a mug and I wont advise others to put up with crap either.

LemonTT · 22/02/2026 11:22

TheDancingHorses · 22/02/2026 10:57

But I’ve said countless times now that I’m not listening in on his calls, he can speak to his sister whenever and wherever he likes. He can call in front of me or in a different room or whatever he wants to do. I’m not and never have tried to control who he sees or speaks to. I agree, he’s a grown man who can make his own choices and decisions. My issue is that I feel he makes it suspicious and odd by only calling when I’m not around and then feeling the need to lie about it. I also don’t like that he has chosen countless times to prioritise his sister’s feelings over mine (sometime that he’s admitted when we’ve spoken about it) so it’s a crappy situation all round.

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Overall you do have an issue with something but you are not confronting it within yourself or on this thread. You need to do that before you challenge him on what may or may not be a white lie.

You are oscillating between being cool about things and very obviously holding years of intense resentment towards him. There’s a lot of unsaid things in your post about how you got this situation with him and her.

You say you married him, invited her to the wedding etc because of the kids. Why do you think he married you given the situation?

Notmycircusnotmyotter · 22/02/2026 11:43

I had this with my XP (kids' dad) and his sister. She was / is a manipulative, flakey cow bag. His defending of her actions certainly killed a lot of love and contributed to us splitting up.

Notquitethetruth · 22/02/2026 11:47

What ages are your children?
Do they have a relationship with his parents and his sister?
If not is it because of the sisters lies as you said earlier?
Has he ever called out his sister for her lies?
Has he supported his sister and parents by visiting, socialising with them while excluding his children?
You have glossed over your children's relationship with their grandparents but not explained fully.

SunnyRedSnail · 22/02/2026 11:51

@TheDancingHorses you're making a mountain out of a molehill here.

Your DH clearly doesn't to talk to his sister whilst you're around as although you say you don't like drama, your DH probably feels you get grumpy or start making negative comments about his sister if she is mentioned, so he'd rather just avoid that.

Why did you even ask him when he had last spoken to her? Again, that's you bringing her up. And going through his phone was awful.

It would be far easier if you accept he gets on well with his sister and you don't, and just not mention her at all and leave them to it.

gannett · 22/02/2026 12:00

Tacohill · 22/02/2026 11:12

Ah yes the old “I’ve never stopped my gf from going out with her friends”, “I’ve never told my gf what to wear”, “I’ve never said she couldn’t speak to her family”….

We know that men very rarely tell someone they’re not allowed to speak to their family or go out etc - they don’t say it with words but it ends up causing an argument and over time it wears them down.

My friends DP has never told her she’s not allowed to go out, in fact leading up to it he encourages it.
Then on the day, he suddenly gets upset about something (sometimes becomes ill or claims the DC are ill), they argue and then she has to choose between going out with her friend to have fun and leaving her poor upset DH or staying with her DH and making up with him.
He’ll claim she obviously cares more about her friends than him and if she questions it, he says he’s the one that encouraged her to go out in the first place.

OP may have never used the words that DH can’t speak to his sister but I can guarantee that it has caused arguments and he feels he can’t talk to her in front of OP.

You can’t say that OP is fine with her DH talking to his sister, when she then admits to snooping through his phone to see if he’s spoken to her - how can you not see how fucked up that is.

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Yes the OP's "I'm totally easy-going about his relationship with his sister" stance isn't washing. She's so easy-going about it that she needed to know the exact number of days since they last spoke and then invaded his privacy to check.

And it should have been obvious why he was being hand-wavey and vague. He does not want to talk about her to you because there's mutual hostility there. Let it go.

I have no idea when DP last spoke to his sister and would never think to interrogate him over the specific timing of it!

AngryBird6122 · 22/02/2026 12:04

I’m surprised you married him after what he said. I’d be out of there tbh. I need loyalty from my dh and you’ve never had it and never will

Catwalking · 22/02/2026 12:07

Yeh make him tell you what they’re talking about, otherwise it’s just gonna keep on happening forever.
in the nicest possible way, i want to know now too!

Mapletree1985 · 22/02/2026 12:10

He lied and you spied on him. Hard to move forward when you're both clearly in the wrong.

Mapletree1985 · 22/02/2026 12:12

AngryBird6122 · 22/02/2026 12:04

I’m surprised you married him after what he said. I’d be out of there tbh. I need loyalty from my dh and you’ve never had it and never will

A man who can't be loyal to his family isn't going to be loyal to his wife for any longer than it suits his purposes to be.

Mapletree1985 · 22/02/2026 12:17

Olderandwiserpossibly · 22/02/2026 07:52

Regardless of past issues?
They aren't past issues are they?

OP 's H has consistently failed prioritise her over his sister. That's not how marriage is supposed to work.
But if course on MN looking at someone's phone is the cardinal sin which is far far worse than any other.

I don't know how OP's marriage has survived this quite important glitch in her relationship with her H. And i think yes she should tell him she knows he phoned his sister. And tell him that lying and secrecy over his contact with his sister has to stop because otherwise what is the point in their marriage,

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We don't know that he has consistently failed to prioritise her. We know nothing about all the times sister may have wanted or needed him to do something, and he refused because his wife came first.

A personal dislike for family member is not a reason to exclude them from your child's life. A child has a right to contact with their relatives and can make up their own mind. Personally I can't abide my brother in law, but my son enjoys his company, and that's his business, not mine. We're open about how we feel and respect each other's choices.

InMyOodie · 22/02/2026 12:20

for example, telling me he didn’t want to get married to me as he didn’t think his sister would be welcome

But you married him anyway? After he said he didn't want to?

Stillhere83 · 22/02/2026 12:23

Notquitethetruth · 22/02/2026 11:47

What ages are your children?
Do they have a relationship with his parents and his sister?
If not is it because of the sisters lies as you said earlier?
Has he ever called out his sister for her lies?
Has he supported his sister and parents by visiting, socialising with them while excluding his children?
You have glossed over your children's relationship with their grandparents but not explained fully.

Unless I've missed it, the OP hasn't said the sister has lied. She has said that she slags her off, which could be nasty/made up or might be for good reason, without more info we just don't really know.

A friend of mine isn't particularly fond of her brother's wife, and has said that to other people, but there are actually good reasons for that and everyone on his side, including his friends, have frequently been appalled by her behaviour. She never went so far as to ban family members from their wedding or children's birthdays though - that is pretty extreme so either the sister has behaved in appalling ways the OP has yet to detail, or the OP has a considerable role in this too.

And given she has tried to ban his sister from key events involving her brother and nieces/nephews, I think the OH can probably be forgiven for feeling a bit uncomfortable about phone calls around her!

Dweetfidilove · 22/02/2026 12:23

TheDancingHorses · 22/02/2026 09:47

Not sure if I explained properly in my earlier post but I wouldn’t be ear wigging on any phone calls. I’d be sure to be out of the room so DH could speak in private. As mentioned, I know how important DHs sister is to him so I have no wish to stop them speaking to or seeing each other whenever they want.

The inheritance relates to distant uncle so I’m not lacking in compassion or empathy. Having lost by my DM and my own DSis in the last two years I’m very aware of the need for support after losing a close relative but this isn’t particularly the case here.

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Maybe he prefers, in the comfort of his home, to not have to flee a room to speak to his sister; nor have his wife feeling obliged to leave either.

If he speaks to her when you're not around, he can do so comfortably, without having to worry you are uncomfortable/need to change room/change your mood...

You can't say you don't mind him talking to her, while insisting it's odd he never speaks to her when you're around.

What outcome are you waiting on from the inheritance chat? Won't he just let you know where there's something to tell? If not, that's a different problem.

Olderandwiserpossibly · 22/02/2026 12:31

Mapletree1985 · 22/02/2026 12:17

We don't know that he has consistently failed to prioritise her. We know nothing about all the times sister may have wanted or needed him to do something, and he refused because his wife came first.

A personal dislike for family member is not a reason to exclude them from your child's life. A child has a right to contact with their relatives and can make up their own mind. Personally I can't abide my brother in law, but my son enjoys his company, and that's his business, not mine. We're open about how we feel and respect each other's choices.

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From OP's post:

All generally good except for his sister who, many years ago, decided she didn’t like me and set about trying to make my life a misery. She turned their parents against me, slagged me and my kids off to anyone who’d listen, tried to split me and DH up, etc.
Unfortunately, DH never really did anything about this and, if anything, actively put his sister first - for example, telling me he didn’t want to get married to me as he didn’t think his sister would be welcome and insisting she came to our children’s birthdays as she’s their aunt and had a right to be there.

So unless you are actually calling OP a liar then we do know.

BillieWiper · 22/02/2026 12:33

It seems bizarre that he tries to say that she should have a relationship with the children but not you?

What is it about you that she seems to dislike so much?

He probably is calling her and moaning about you if he knows she'll be on his side every time.

Tiswa · 22/02/2026 12:40

Olderandwiserpossibly · 22/02/2026 12:31

From OP's post:

All generally good except for his sister who, many years ago, decided she didn’t like me and set about trying to make my life a misery. She turned their parents against me, slagged me and my kids off to anyone who’d listen, tried to split me and DH up, etc.
Unfortunately, DH never really did anything about this and, if anything, actively put his sister first - for example, telling me he didn’t want to get married to me as he didn’t think his sister would be welcome and insisting she came to our children’s birthdays as she’s their aunt and had a right to be there.

So unless you are actually calling OP a liar then we do know.

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No we don’t we know the version of the truth that the OP has from her perspective and whereas there might be quite a lot of factual truth to it it is unlikely to be the whole story which is normal in any situation like this - it is always going to be skewed

CharlieMM1 · 22/02/2026 12:42

Why does the sister not like you? What does she say when she speaks badly of you?

LBFseBrom · 22/02/2026 13:02

DaisyChain505 · 22/02/2026 07:54

It’s hard to judge without knowing you personally. Yes his sister could genuinely be in the wrong or you could also have shown behaviour that warrants her opinions but you just can’t see it.

At the end of the day this is his sister. He shouldn’t have to choose between the two of you and you definitely shouldn’t be checking his phone.

You’ve made it clear that you don’t want a relationship with her but that doesn’t mean your husband or children need to do the same.

I agree with all of that.

There are two sides to every story.

Pinepeak2434 · 22/02/2026 13:04

You sound controlling why do you need to know about every call your husband has with his family? He is probably too scared to even mention it seeing as you don’t like them talking.

Netcurtainnelly · 22/02/2026 13:05

SparklyGlitterballs · 22/02/2026 07:33

Your biggest mistake was marrying/staying with someone who never stood up for you when his sister was being awful, or having your back when she was influencing his parents. The phone call stuff seems small fry in comparison.

This has nailed it.
You have a husband problem not a sister in law problem.

Zov · 22/02/2026 13:07

AStonedRose · 22/02/2026 10:05

If a woman came on here and said that her partner was stopping her speaking to her sister, to the extent that she had to call when he was out of the house, and he was then hacking into her phone to track her calls, we'd be saying there were red flags everywhere

Never has a point been missed so spectacularly!

Go back and read the OP's posts... The sister in law has been VILE to her, and no-one including her husband seems to care!

.

Zov · 22/02/2026 13:10

Pinepeak2434 · 22/02/2026 13:04

You sound controlling why do you need to know about every call your husband has with his family? He is probably too scared to even mention it seeing as you don’t like them talking.

As I said to the other poster, READ THE OP's POSTS. The sister in law has been VILE to her, and no-one including her husband is doing anything about it!!

Stillhere83 · 22/02/2026 13:25

Zov, the OP hasn't given a single example of how, and when asked has not come back to explain. One person's 'slagging off' is another's opinion that they don't like someone, which might have a reasonable basis for all we know. The only facts she has given are around not wanting her SIL at her wedding or children's birthdays, which is pretty harsh on her part. You're shouting at people questioning this, while taking an extremely vague contention on face value. We don't know at all that the SIL has been vile, and won't unless the OP is willing to actually give some examples.

butterpuffed · 22/02/2026 13:48

Your DH told you a white lie because you were asking when he phoned his sister. Why did you want to know??

You said you're prepared to leave the room if you're there when they're on the phone because you don't care ~ but obviously you do care as you went and snooped through his phone . Your DH knows you so that's why the white lie .