DD’s birthday was an utter disaster

[bendmeoverbackwards]

It’s DD’s 19th birthday today. She’s ASD and has been out of education for a few years.

Last couple of birthdays have been disappointing to her and I know this one brought up a lot of emotion not just about birthdays but also her situation in general.

I asked her a few weeks ago if she wanted to see a particular show and a meal at a steak place. She just said no but gave no other suggestions. I then asked last week of she wanted just a meal out and where - no response. So I decided to book a local restaurant just in case as Saturday nights get busy, with the option of cancelling if she didn’t want to.

When I told her, she wasn’t happy and said she couldn’t do it now because I’d chosen it (autistic brain). I asked where else she’d like to go but didn’t get a reply. I suggested a takeaway, took hours of questions about this, she didn’t see a takeaway as a birthday celebration. She eventually decided on pizza.

I also got her a beautiful personalised cake. Last year for her 18th, I got her a nice chocolate cake with her name on but it didn’t have the same personalisation as her older sister’s 18th birthday cake (which was celebrated in lockdown so I pushed the boat out a bit). Also the board base was accidentally thrown out when there was a tiny bit of chocolate left on it. She complained about this for months. I said I would buy her an extra cake (cheapy supermarket cake) but I forgot.

Now she says she can’t have this year’s cake because of the lack of the other one and it would be in the wrong order (autistic brain again).

Choosing presents is also difficult for her so I chose a few small gifts and paid in £50 birthday money into her account. She didn’t like this either, she wanted to choose her own presents (but from past experience she takes ages to choose, months and months, so I thought I’d make it easier by giving her money).

Written down, I realise she sounds like a spoilt brat. But I didn’t do some things that I said I would eg buy her an additional cake and take her for a belated birthday meal (from last year).

The evening ended with her sobbing in the kitchen and me losing my temper 😢

That birthday cake just sitting there is a stick to beat you with every time you walk past it. It’s time it was removed.

Is that why your daughter doesn’t want to eat it or let it go?
Or is she truly unable to make decisions for herself, - in which case you or your DH need to help her along with that, -as you have tried to do. Sensible decisions still have to be made.

It’s your household OP. Lead with confidence over this issue. It’s just a celebration cake that your Dd doesn’t want to eat or share nicely with her family.

Decide with your husband how long you are keeping up her birthday cards. Maybe the norm in your family is a week? Then take them down and at the same time, if you can’t bring yourselves to eat it as a family, put the cake in a container and away out of sight at least. Birthday time is well and truly over. (Along with everything bad emotion associated with it.)

Bin it at the next bin day, or put it out for the birds or give it away if it’s still edible by then.
Give your Dd fair warning today, without making a big deal about it, that that’s what is going to happen - as that’s normal.

Make sure she clearly understands it’s her choice or the sensible family option if she can’t choose for herself in a timely way. That’s how households work.

And then draw a line under the whole DD birthday debacle. Move on swiftly to talking about and happily looking forward to the next family event. Easter is just around the corner.

She won't come up with a solution for the cake, just like she hasn't come up with solutions for anything else . As she hasn't had to.

So this morning ask what did she decide. If no decision by supper time then the cake gets cut and everyone has a piece.

I have always been under the impression that a birthday cake is something that is shared. So essentially a birthday celebration to he shared with those with you in the day/days around the birthday.

Have a think about where you would go, and if the birthday person has a cake and keeps it all for themselves. They don't. A cake is for everyone. Just like a wedding cake.

This is a perfect way to start with changes OP.

Thank you. If it makes a difference she says not that she doesn’t WANT to eat it, it’s that she CAN’T, therefore it’s not her CHOICE.

So if she says she can't eat it, then it gets shared out with those who can.

Otherwise that cake will sit there until it's no longer edible. That is an utter waste of money for which you forked out.

Yes it's going to cause an issue. But it is a start to laying down some boundaries. In this case, you are using food waste as a reason. You do not like food waste. You bought the cake. She isn't eating it therefore you have now made the decision to eat it.

You are not allowing the cake to sit there untouched, as it is there for everyone to enjoy. Maybe one small step for her to see that other peoples feelings and thoughts matter too.

If she really CAN’T bring herself to eat it, and it therfore follows (in her ND mind) that it’s not her CHOICE, then confidently and unfalteringly, you must help her along with that choice. Share it, bin it, give it away, but get it out of sight. Birthday time is over now. No more dwelling over birthday cakes. For her to move on past it, you must move on first. Show her the way.

Are you sure in your own mind OP, that she isn’t somehow subconsciously trying to manipulate you with keeping the untouched cake in situ as a symbol of how hard done to she has been since she had her diagnosis? Are you certain it’s not remaining there as a daily token reminder to you of how much love you owe her for cheating her out of a life (as she she sees it)

It seems to me that you are a fantastic caring and loving mum who always does her very best for her daughters.
It also seems to me that your DD is a very strong personality (on top of her ASD.) This would serve her well under normal circumstances. But she’s caught in a pattern of constantly cutting her nose off to spite her face, a behaviour pattern that she can’t get out of on her own.

These aren’t normal circumstances and your DD is refusing to help herself be issue it’s scary. It seems she could be deflecting her shame at the diagnosis, by refusing to accept it and by punishing you for it so that she constantly falls back into the same pattern every time you try your hardest to please her and make things right for her. She relies on you trying ever harder to please her as that feeds her need for reassurance and love and also reaffirms her own dodgy notion that she is right in her thinking. It’s too scary for her without you always there as the kicking boy. You could be enmeshed in this pattern because of (misplaced) mum guilt.

It’s a difficult pattern for you or her to break on your own and once again I refer to the consistently excellent advice of @Dumpspirospero who suggests you take more of a back seat to allow your DH to lead the necessary changes on this.

That makes no difference. It’s sitting there (like the older gifts she’s not opened) cluttering up the place, making you feel bad and waiting to rot.

TBH I wouldn’t have given her such an open choice. Of course she’ll do nothing if you let her.

Like you did with the Colin cake (that was good!!) you need to take control and don’t phrase things in a way which leaves you at her mercy.

I would say - ok DD, I’m not going to let this cake sit here and be wasted. It’s been here too long already. So I’ll be taking it into work tomorrow / dropping it off at the food bank / sharing it out for dinner.

Well something must be done about it.
I would say that is ok if you are unable to eat it, the choices are now to let the family eat it or to donate it. It then needs to go. No pandering when she says no or throws a tantrum over it. This is the start of change and she can then see you are not messing.

Just do what you want think is reasonable ie donate to the food bank or bin it. It’s your house and your cake that you paid for and bought so you can do as you please with it. You have asked politely but she hasn’t come up with an alternative and cakes don’t keep forever.

I would inform her that the choices are that we eat it or we donate it (add in bin it if that’s an acceptable option to you) and that if she does not come up with a suitable plan by x days time I will donate it.

You need to start having some normal world boundaries for her. I appreciate you have been tolerating a lot of stuff for a long time but people in the outside world would find it a bit ridiculous to be held to ransom over a cake by an adult (or even a child). If she is to ever have a relationship or friends or even housemates she could not expect them to have an expensive cake sitting around indefinitely uneaten. In a house share someone would 100% have eaten it by now!

Honestly I’d have lost my shit with this days ago, taken it to the food bank and then told her when she feels she’s able to eat cake again to let you know so you can go and buy a suitable cake together.

I agree with PPs, I think you need to take a big step back and hand things over to you partner. I think her making you feel guilty and your own guilt means that you can’t think rationally at the moment and you’re very susceptible to her manipulation, so you need a bit of space. It would benefit you both and it sounds like he’s got decent insincts- plus surely it’s worth a try? And you can still be at home to reassure and love her- just hand the decision making to him for a bit and mean it.

OP I am reading your posts and your daughter is manipulative, spoilt and demanding.

As a mum of an autistic/adhd teenager who was NHS diagnosed at age 5 because his difficulties were so obvious I do understand it can be tricky to deal with an autistic child.

However it seems like you are in a cycle of her manipulating you, you feeling guilty and giving into her. You need to break that. Start telling her clearly but firmly she needs to grow up. When she blames you for her diagnosis or not telling her whichever it was tell her you did your best at the time and own it. You have done nothing wrong! If its not good enough for her that's something she needs to come to terms with because you cant undo it.

If she starts trying to manipulate you walk away and tell her you wont be emotionally blackmailed. If she starts being abusive or shouting tell her you wont engage with her until she can be respectful towards you and mean it. Right now your dd holds all the cards in situations and is used to people giving into her because she is autistic. Your doing her no favours long term. I also work with autistic teenagers and those that manage daily life best are those who have very clear boundaries about what is and isnt acceptable behaviour installed early on and consistently. Those who have been taught they cannot always have things there own way and those who understand action and behaviour have consequences including on them. These are can be difficult things for autistic people to learn but not impossible. Stop pandering to her. She isnt a child. She is a very capable, intelligent young lady who happens to be autistic.

The same for the gifts. In society it is considered rude not to open gifts that people have bought for you and not to thank them. It is problematic behaviour that will upset other people and cause issues in her life if not addressed.

If gifts are difficult for a person then they need to learn to state in advance that they do not want birthday gifts and that if anyone does feel obliged they could put money in savings. That is a grown up way to deal with it.

After you sort the cake issue next is the 2 years worth of gifts. Again I would give a deadline eg 1 week by which she deals with them (I will assist with a plan eg I would possibly unwrap them if she feels she can’t but I will not make a plan) or I give them to charity.

Them next time there is a gift occasion we plan in advance and she can choose to get surprise gifts (which will then need to be opened and the giver thanked), or to request cash instead or to opt not to have an official birthday celebration and I will put the cash aside in her savings and this can be used for a treat at any time during the year.

Carry on like this resolving one frustration at a time and at least you will be happier. She will be angry and upset at first but she will know where the boundaries are and that is in her long term interests

You see, I wouldn't offer another cake.

The expectation is she shared the cake with her family on her birthday. She gets the biggest/best piece, everyone else gets one. Then it's eaten til its gone.

I wonder if she's purposefully not eating it so she gets to say 'i didn't get a cake this year again' and then it adds to the list of things you 'owe' her.

Just give everyone a slice of it with dinner to tonight. Give her the biggest one, she can eat it or not. If she starts complain or causing and issue, tell her she's being silly then ignore any more bad behaviour.

This, again how exhausting for the rest of the family.
Absolutely do not let this continue.

Also, I woukd say to her: 'If you are not autistic, why can't you you eat the cake? You canmt have it both ways, denying any autism but also expecting to be treated as a person with autism with excessive allowances made.'

She either accepts she needs help and support, or she can act in the way that is expected of everyone else

Honestly I’d have lost my shit with this days ago, taken it to the food bank and then told her when she feels she’s able to eat cake again to let you know so you can go and buy a suitable cake together
@Heronwatcher

This is seemingly what happened in the past, and so OP is being held ransom by a cake!
I absolutely agree with your first line, but I don't think OP should offer any other cakes. Not even next year. Cake seems to be a metaphor for manipulation.

I’m in this space. The birthday is done. Draw a line under it. I would simply remove the cake and bin it or eat it. (You can actually cut it up and freeze it in portions to eat at a later date btw).

Just remove the gifts. Put them in the attic or unwrap them and donate them. She will kick off, but ignore it. So what, if it upsets her - her behaviour has upset the people who gave them to her.

Going forward just put some money in an account for her and give her a card. Offer to take her out on the day, but nothing more. That she is still holding the family hostage over gifts given last year is only possible because the family are enabling it. Never negotiate - especially over a months long preamble to birthdates. It is a birthday not UN peace keeping negotiations. Stop giving her that power. Offer two choices on the day: restaurant or quiet night in? This is your cake [a nice one], take it or leave it but it will be binned/eaten/shared within 7 days.

It’s my DD’s 21st birthday in April. Having held us hostage over her 18th, I am not engaging this year. Have asked her if she would like to do anything around her birthday (she’ll be at college but we are close by) and if so to let us know. If she says nothing, we’ll do nothing. Dad has bought her gig tickets that he will take her to later in the year. She’ll get a cash injection for her savings account regardless. We will buy her things we want to, based on our knowledge of her - unless she asks for something specific. She can thank us or be dismissive (she is often dismissive, and I DO think that is in part due to her autism). We are prepared and will not be triggered by her responses. We are in control of how we respond, not her.

And do start pushing back. I made a meal recently - DH and DS said ‘thank you, that was lovely. Can we have that again?’ DD said, when prompted by a ‘did you like it?’ Answer: ‘Yeah, it was okay. But I feel a bit sick now.’ My DH rolls his eyes and ignores, I try to, but on this occasion just said. ‘Shame, won’t make it when you’re home again, then’. And moved on. There was some bluster, because she DID like it but had been deliberately needling for an upset response from me. She hoovered it up in fact, but I just ignored and chatted with DH about an unrelated matter. I am in control of my responses.

Some days I am shattered, emotional, menopausal and run out of patience so snap, but I am really trying not to rise to the bait. And it is bait. It is how she elicits response, checks that we care (yes, it a negative method) so I try really hard not to bite. To counter this, I try to give positive attention in other ways. She loves a danish pastry, so I buy them in for her. She knows they are just for her and recognises the gesture. I will iron her clothes if she has put them in the wash/dryer in recognition that she has done something herself, so her laundry will appear on her bed pressed and folded. Initially this was met with a ‘you don’t need to do that I don’t care if my clothes are creased,’ but I responded with a, ‘I know, but I like to do kind things for you to show you I love you.’ And move on. More recently she actually says thank you or will ask if I would mind putting her wash in the machine after a current one is done. It’s baby steps.

And yes, if she says ‘why are you being mean’ [when I moan about her never clearing the kitchen mess away] I say ‘I’m sorry if you think I am mean. I am only expressing my disappointment that you have left the kitchen in a mess. I do the same to everyone else.’ Rinse and repeat. It has been HARD as I am AuDHD and had a very difficult childhood with [as I now understand it] an AuDHD mother with MH issues so have been desperate for my kids to feel loved.

Thing is, my DD and yours can only behave the way they do precisely because they KNOW they are loved and that their home is a safe space in which to behave this way because [unlike my own childhood] they won’t get a slap when they strop and sulk. It means you have been successful. It’s a double edged sword!

Really sorry - long reply. Am drinking a coffee and trying to find my calm zone before it all starts again! It’s probably too early for gin…

Thank you, you wonderful group of wise women (I assume you are all women!).

The mistakes I made were a) buying a replacement cake to make up for the thrown away cake board, and b) getting an expensive personalised cake for a non significant birthday. But no matter, I’m not going to ruminate over the choices, I’m going to move forward.

I am determined to make changes and find my confidence again.

I think I said to her (under duress and stress) that I wouid ‘sort out’ the cake and the gifts. I hsve no idea what I meant by that but she’s expecting something to be done. I have always been under the impression that if I say I’ll do something then I will, because it’s not fair on her and her autistic brain to change my mind.

Tackling things separately and one at a time like @Shrinkhole says is a good idea. I've been to parenting groups and quite often they suggest tackling a small problem - like the cake, or the presents - before you try the really big ones - like college.

You could try the problem-solving approach as @LAMPS1 suggested upthread. Or do what @Terfymcnamechange suggests. And see what happens.

If you decide to dish up the cake after dinner then DD might actually benefit from having it explained to her the same way that @Terfymcnamechange explained it:
The expectation is she shares the cake with her family on her birthday. The birthday person gets the biggest/best piece, everyone else gets one. Then it's eaten til its gone. That's how birthday cakes work.
It's like a "social story". It might sound silly but DD might never have thought how birthday cakes are meant to work! Autism can be like that, it leaves gaps in social understanding and then she fills them up with fantasies about the birthday girl getting a "perfect" personalised cake instead. She really might need to be told!

One "experiment" would be to explain it to her before dinner when no-one else is around and tell her you are going to hand the cake round.This gives her time to get angry with you in private not in front of the others, and time to process what you said. And then (no matter how she reacts) go ahead and do it after dinner. And try not to comment whatever happens .

What this tests is whether: after she understands, and after she has had time to process it and calm down, does she go along with the cake sharing calmly (even if she doesn't eat any)? If she accepts it calmly then you have a huge parenting win because you have a found a good strategy - "social story" plus time to process = understanding. And even if she still kicks off at the table you haven't really lost anything because seeing that she can't control you through tantrums is also a helpful lesson for her. And whatever happens you can use what you've learned about her to deal with the presents.

What I'm trying to say is that you don't have to come up with exactly the "right thing to do" before you do it. This is a marathon not a sprint, and you're going to need "trial and error" to figure out what works.

I get that - and in part it’s projecting, isn’t it? If, like me, you are also ND [think you mentioned above that you may be] then you have a very fixed moral code and expect others to do what they have committed to do.

However, we’re older now and have learned that we live in a world populated by human beings. It is totally okay to make mistakes and forget things. She needs to understand you will do both - as it gives her space to also be less than perfect. If you are modelling ‘perfection’ that is what she subliminally thinks is the standard. And it’s an impossible one, isn’t it? Especially for an ND person.

By owning that we all make mistakes, make promises we sometimes can’t keep, that we’re not clairvoyant - you are giving her permission to be less than perfect. To extrapolate - it means she can give A Levels on line ago or an Access course and it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t work out, just so long as she gives it a go.

Well that’s even better. You have agreed to ‘sort it’ and she is it expecting you to so basically you have permission to sort it out as you please which you will do via the medium of a charity shop trip. That is sorting it and keeping your promise.

That's kind of good and kind of bad. The bad news is "sort out" is vague. Her mind will come out with all sorts of weird intepretations and expectations.

The good news is that "sort out" is vague so you wont be lying no matter what you do. You still need to do something concrete about cake and presents as people suggested about - like offer her choices, or hand the cake round. Don't try to figure out what she wants, she doesn't know what she wants.

She will still get angry but you must ride the storm. My experience of very anxious controlling people is that once something is decided and forced on them against their will and they've had the tantrum - they give in and it's actually a huge relief to them.

I think there is something so important in this post

Noone can ‘make’ anyone else feel a particular way.
We are all responsible for the ways that we feel and act. No one else is responsible. And we can only change our own behaviour.

That’s why in relationship counselling you are often told to say ‘I felt sad when you said/ did that’ rather than ‘YOU made me feel sad when you do that’

You are not responsible for the way she feels or acts and she cannot make you feel or act a certain way if you decide not to.

You cannot make her happy so give up that futile quest. Make yourself happier instead. It’s OK to do that. You can still do nice things for her but do them because you like to care for her (like the ironing in this post) not to make her happy.

Yes I agree with this very much too. Boundaries make people feel contained and therefore less anxious. A complete lack of any rules actually makes people more anxious. Having all the control is not helping her. She actually wants you to put in some boundaries and take control so that she can feel safer. I honestly think she will actually feel safer to make positive changes if she knows that there are limits to your tolerance.

This in itself is a bit sad. She cba to get you a present or even a card for the last few years, and when she bakes you a cake (I'm assuming with your ingredients and using your electricity!) you're hugely touched, shocked, delighted" at what really isn't that big an effort. Perhaps she just fancied a slice of cake herself!

I'm assuming your other dc do make an effort on your birthday? Usually if you had one friend who always reciprocated and one friend who never did, you'd stop buying stuff for the second friend, right? You're spending all this time stressing about dds bday and bending over backwards to please her when she can't even be bothered to get you a 79p card for yours!

My siblings and I bought cards and presents (obviously small)for my parents as soon as I could go to the corner shop on my own, so from about age 11. Even before then we would make our own cards or ask the other parent to get them (which is what my young dc now do). I dont see how her autism stops her from buying a card and a bar of chocolate- she could even moonpig one if she couldn't leave the house.

I'm not saying this to dig at you, but if you have such low expectations of her, of course she doesn't think she can do anything herself. You clearly do all tiptoe over eggshells around her, otherwise you or dh would have taken the opportunity to say "dd it's a bit disappointing that you didn't even get a card for (the other parent's birthday/mother/father's day). Its not much to ask." She might have been upset initially but she clearly needs it spelling out to her that effort is usually reciprocal!