DD’s birthday was an utter disaster

[bendmeoverbackwards]

It’s DD’s 19th birthday today. She’s ASD and has been out of education for a few years.

Last couple of birthdays have been disappointing to her and I know this one brought up a lot of emotion not just about birthdays but also her situation in general.

I asked her a few weeks ago if she wanted to see a particular show and a meal at a steak place. She just said no but gave no other suggestions. I then asked last week of she wanted just a meal out and where - no response. So I decided to book a local restaurant just in case as Saturday nights get busy, with the option of cancelling if she didn’t want to.

When I told her, she wasn’t happy and said she couldn’t do it now because I’d chosen it (autistic brain). I asked where else she’d like to go but didn’t get a reply. I suggested a takeaway, took hours of questions about this, she didn’t see a takeaway as a birthday celebration. She eventually decided on pizza.

I also got her a beautiful personalised cake. Last year for her 18th, I got her a nice chocolate cake with her name on but it didn’t have the same personalisation as her older sister’s 18th birthday cake (which was celebrated in lockdown so I pushed the boat out a bit). Also the board base was accidentally thrown out when there was a tiny bit of chocolate left on it. She complained about this for months. I said I would buy her an extra cake (cheapy supermarket cake) but I forgot.

Now she says she can’t have this year’s cake because of the lack of the other one and it would be in the wrong order (autistic brain again).

Choosing presents is also difficult for her so I chose a few small gifts and paid in £50 birthday money into her account. She didn’t like this either, she wanted to choose her own presents (but from past experience she takes ages to choose, months and months, so I thought I’d make it easier by giving her money).

Written down, I realise she sounds like a spoilt brat. But I didn’t do some things that I said I would eg buy her an additional cake and take her for a belated birthday meal (from last year).

The evening ended with her sobbing in the kitchen and me losing my temper 😢

that's an easy fix: if she wants to talk to you,, it is not in your DHs safe space, it is in her bedroom.

If he is there and she tells him to Fuck off, you tell her that's not acceptable and you will all (or both) talk again when she can talk without being rude, and has apologised.

Consistency and not overloading is key here. I really feel for your DH and your other DD.

Could you tell her she's lucky to have a caring mother.

Apologies that this may not be the most coherent post.

I was diagnosed autistic as an adult. In my 30s. I had always felt different and about struggled at school and making friends. I especially struggled as a teenager. Looking back, I was probably very similar to the OPs daughter at times. I had a weird expectation that everything should be perfect. I indeed did have a version in my head that I honestly expected would happen. And when it didn’t, I got very upset. Nothing my parents would do would be right. I was very rude to them. And to be honest it carried on for quite a few years. Until one day my mother sat me down (not during an episode) and told me that if I didn’t stop behaving the way I do I will have a very lonely existence. She told be to go upstairs to my room and think long and hard about what I want from life and how I expect my life to go. She reminded me that she was not my slave, she’d put up with me long enough, and if I was not willing to change I would need to move out. I can still hear her words now. I can hear her saying “I will not stand for you talking to me like shit on your shoe”. I don’t think I’d ever heard my mother swear at that point in my life. It was said very calmly, but very much made the point. She explained very calmly about my unreasonable expectations from others, yet I do not do any of those things back for them. She brought up birthdays. At the age of 22 I dont think I had ever bought my mum or dad a decent present or cake. Maybe just some chocolates. I’d often even forget cards. None of it was deliberate. But that didn’t mean I didn’t need to change.

Now as an adult in my mid 40s I’m so thankful for what my mother did for me. Now don’t get me wrong, it was not some lightbulb moment and I changed my ways forever more. But it did stick with me. My mother had no idea about autism back then. In later life she did acknowledge she always suspected there was something “wrong” which is why she did “pander” to me far longer than she normally would have. But by 22 she realised it was doing me no favours. She knew if I treated friends and future boyfriends how I treated her and my dad I had no future. She admitted after my diagnosis how guilty she felt for that talk and subsequent “strictness”. But honestly I think it’s the best thing she ever did.

Im not entirely sure I had the capacity to “grow up” much earlier than I did. I look back now and frankly I’m amazed that my friends put up with as much as they did from me. But having my mother spell out to me that I needed to actually reflect a bit on my actions did work over the next few years. Discovering autism and reading up on it really helped me realise the behaviours I did and gave me techniques to stop doing them. I didn’t use it as excuse to carry on my behaviours.

I still very much have an automatic mindset of things being “ruined” if they don’t go totally right. It’s very very hard to stop that. I don’t think I ever will. But I know that’s its not reasonable to rant at my husband because they didn’t have my favourite pudding at a restaurant and the night is not ruined because of it. So while my initial reaction is ITS RUINED I’ve had to overcome the automatic response to that. It’s not easy. But it has to be done if I want to keep my lovely husband and my nice life with friends etc.

Gift cards have use by dates. I actually think this is a good way of showing her what consequences of not choosing looks like without you having to remove the present. Let some faceless company do that.

Coming at this from a slightly different perspective, I have a DB who sounds very much like your daughter. Nothing is ever good enough, everyone has always done something wrong, enough effort was never made, everyone is full of problems that affect him. It’s draining and exhausting. Similar to you, my mum pandered to this.

This bred a lot of resentment for me and frustration. At some point I checked out of the circus. My mum has now passed away and my DB and I rarely speak, I just don’t have the capacity to deal with the constant moaning, the constant being wronged, the nastiness. It’s a one-way relationship that isn’t able to account for my needs at all. From what I can tell, he’s very isolated and lonely. Struggles to maintain friendships and has a problem with everyone.

by not holding proper boundaries this is what you are setting your daughter up for. And you are also doing a huge disservice to your other children, who really don’t deserve the differential treatment. You can hold boundaries and rules in a loving way, she may find it hard but the world out there will be much harder for her if you don’t.

No. You are saying no autistic person can be a pain in the arse generally, it absolutely has to be because of their autism and they can't understand how things affect others. That's exactly what you said in reply to someone saying that autistic people can be a pain in the arse as much as NT people can and it isn't always because of their autism. You can pretend I don't understand what you said but I absolutely do and it's offensive.

I think your post will be very helpful to op @Starryfloats.

You are welcome to your misjudged offence taking. Nurture it if you wish.

And you are welcome to stop making sweeping statements about "autistic people" like they're all one person.

It sounds like she needs to learn that she can't make these bizarre demands on people and make everything so difficult. It's not fair on other people. Regardless of her differences shunning expensive fancy cakes because they're in the wrong order, going nuts about a cake board, never being grateful for a thing nice you do ...it's just not on.

Carry on as you wish.

Why all this angst?

Just ignore her birthday unless she asks for something specific to be done. She's 19-the days of allowing her to walk all over you are over.

She should be in a flat share-the other girls will soon teach her what's acceptable and what isn't, in much the same way that when you pass your driving test, it's the other drivers on the road who really teach you.

Maybe you could arrange that as a gift that will really benefit her.

Exactly this @Topbobble I didn’t get the cake in November when I said I would and booked the restaurant without checking with her. So that’s on me. It’s all well and good saying I did my best but there were mistakes on my part which I feel bad about.

I remember your thread about Christmas presents, OP. I have nothing to offer but empathy. You sound like a lovely mum.

I found @Starryfloats's perspective really helpful. It's great to hear from someone who's matured in that way!

I say this as the mother of a child with ASD. She is being unreasonable and rude.

They are minor things. Apologise and move on. It doesn’t give her right to constantly throw in your face. We all make mistakes and forget things, sometimes we are well meaning and do things and it misses mark. Dwelling on little things isn’t healthy. Learn from it not to promise her anything or arrange anything for her. She’s an adult.

I have too and if you look at the times the replies were posted it would suggest this is just a complete duplicate thread. There was another one as well at similar times in the middle of the night. I believe the site is up for sale so I wonder if there is a concerted effort to look like there is more traffic than there is by reposting threads that had high traffic initially but you would expect any potential buyer, doing due diligence, would surely pick this up

I can understand how you’ve fallen into this trap of pandering and trying to avoid flashpoints but it’s setting her up for failure. I hope you see @CautiousLurker2 post as that is a very honest reflection from a parent of a dd same age as yours.

In recent years I have spent much time talking to my mother about her early life as remembering these halcyon days brings her some peace. It is very clear to me that tragically there were so many missed opportunities to help her by encouraging strategies that would have enabled her to become ‘a person in the world’ (to use a lovely phrase from a pp above).

What sort of opportunities and strategies @MothersDaughter007?

DC (also late teens)is autistic with MH issues and I am struggling to get the balance right. I fear I am getting it wrong. I should add that the poor MH (anxiety and ocd in particular) is much more of an issue than the autism side of things, though they are inextricably intertwined. Also has some pda.

The resources on autism available usually address autism alone and not MH issues alongside and that is an constant issue for us as it may he for OP. I’m not sure but she did mention pda and possible ocd too.

This is a good point @Terfymcnamechange in recent years she hasn’t given me a card but wished me happy birthday. However this year she surpassed herself. I’d been away with Dh for my birthday for a night. When we came home she had made me a cake from scratch. I was utterly shocked and delighted and so touched and told her so. And it gave me some hope that a) she’s a decent person underneath, and b) she’s developing kitchen skills.

But these are only small things, rhat most people would take in their stride. Not something that would mean she is justified in turning her birthday into an 'utter disaster'

Is this behaviour contributing to why her life isn't the way she wants it? You implied she isn't in training or a job and doesn't have many friends, do you think this could be why? You need to tackle this behaviour and help her learn how to behave appropriately with others, even when disappointed or overwhelmed. Not endlessly berate yourself for tiny misdeeds that were done with the best intentions, while she rants in the background

@LeebLeefuhLurve that’s really sad. Dh and I have made good progress over the years and I’m pleased to say we lead full lives. We both have good jobs, go out a lot with friends or just us two, and have lots of short trips away.

This is one of the benefits of keeping it very simple and minimal instead of trying to make it perfect: there is less for you to forget and to get wrong.

With regard to dd’s future, she stopped going to school regularly in year 10 because of discussions about her autism with the school (she strongly refutes the diagnosis). This resulted in disappointing GCSE results and no sixth form place. Alternative schools dint work out. She is desperate to go to university but without A levels it means an access course or foundation year.

She blames me for sabotaging her education. Because the diagnosis is a ‘lie’ and I told ‘lies’ about her. I’ve been trying to build up the relationship with her by listening and validating her feelings (but not necessarily agreeing with her).