DD’s birthday was an utter disaster

[bendmeoverbackwards]

It’s DD’s 19th birthday today. She’s ASD and has been out of education for a few years.

Last couple of birthdays have been disappointing to her and I know this one brought up a lot of emotion not just about birthdays but also her situation in general.

I asked her a few weeks ago if she wanted to see a particular show and a meal at a steak place. She just said no but gave no other suggestions. I then asked last week of she wanted just a meal out and where - no response. So I decided to book a local restaurant just in case as Saturday nights get busy, with the option of cancelling if she didn’t want to.

When I told her, she wasn’t happy and said she couldn’t do it now because I’d chosen it (autistic brain). I asked where else she’d like to go but didn’t get a reply. I suggested a takeaway, took hours of questions about this, she didn’t see a takeaway as a birthday celebration. She eventually decided on pizza.

I also got her a beautiful personalised cake. Last year for her 18th, I got her a nice chocolate cake with her name on but it didn’t have the same personalisation as her older sister’s 18th birthday cake (which was celebrated in lockdown so I pushed the boat out a bit). Also the board base was accidentally thrown out when there was a tiny bit of chocolate left on it. She complained about this for months. I said I would buy her an extra cake (cheapy supermarket cake) but I forgot.

Now she says she can’t have this year’s cake because of the lack of the other one and it would be in the wrong order (autistic brain again).

Choosing presents is also difficult for her so I chose a few small gifts and paid in £50 birthday money into her account. She didn’t like this either, she wanted to choose her own presents (but from past experience she takes ages to choose, months and months, so I thought I’d make it easier by giving her money).

Written down, I realise she sounds like a spoilt brat. But I didn’t do some things that I said I would eg buy her an additional cake and take her for a belated birthday meal (from last year).

The evening ended with her sobbing in the kitchen and me losing my temper 😢

Oh, please no. Are there siblings who’ve had their hold childhood being second class and shoved aside and told to do whatever this daughter wants?

Again, another thing you’ve done really wrong OP. I hope you start putting your other kids first now, and making sure they are centred in whatever is going on. Your daughter needs to grow up.

I have also always thought that a "low demand" approach is a terrible, patronising idea. Wouldn't we all like fewer demands and responsibilities? But those who strive for that, and are facilitated by others, will not end up with a fulfilling, productive life. Why would we want to set ND people up for that when we wouln't do that to others? Hard work is hard work! Whether its learning to be polite, learning to regulate your behaviour, getting a university degree or doing a job. Whatever you can do you need to work hard at. And don't limit what you can do by living in "low demand" environment. That's a terrible thing to do to anyone. They will then have to live in such an environment their whole life. Which limits them to a very very restricted, and frankly non-useful life.

My granny had a mantra: "how have you been useful today?". Whether in big things like doing a job, or small ones like just making someone feel good by being thoughtful or even just polite. My DC have always known that being useful is vital. For those around you but also for your own self-esteem. My DDs are very high achieving professionals. DS is not going to be that, but that doesn't let him off the hook regarding being a useful person. To me, to the family, to others, to society.

Yes I am fairly sure OP posted about this back in November, worrying about how the 19th birthday would go, considering there was still fall-out from the previous two birthdays…and it sounds like it went pretty much as she had feared.

OP I don’t think you can carry on like this. You have obviously been worrying about this for months, nothing you do for DD will be right, I do understand she has autism but she has to find a way to live in the world, and to get along with other people without treating them like shit. One day you won’t be around to sort this stuff out for her.
You’ve been given lots of good advice on this thread and the previous one. I hope you are able to find the headspace to take some of it on board.

This works with a NT brain. Rationalising against a ND brain just doesn't work in the same way.
I'm so sorry OP. You did your best and we go again tomorrow ♥️

And if DD refuses to engage with help, go and see a behaviour therapist yourself. They can teach you what approaches will help. This would be a much more helpful and kind thing to do for your child than all this nonsense about what she gets for her birthday. Also read the book "Don't Shoot the Dog", which is a good introduction to behaviour analysis and therapy.

You sound amazingly nice but I’d start to listen to what DD says.

if you ask if she wants a meal and she says no then the answer is no and you do nothing.

She doesn’t like you buying presents? Then give her the money.

She’s an adult now. You are under no obligation to be her pre frontal cortex.

you are making allowances for your daughters autism by not shouting at her when she’s infuriating . You aren’t obliged to tie yourself in knots trying to please her.

You are right. Which is why a behavioural approach is needed. Reasoning, rationalising etc is not going to help, especiallyat this late stage. Behaviour therapy works even if the person (or animal) has no concept of what is rational (or doesn't care). That is the power of it.

So go again to walking on eggshells and being sworn at and berated in order to meet the mn standard of “you’re such a good mum..”🙄

@zoemum2006 shouting is not the answer and would be likely to make things worse. It is a type of punishment, which doesn't work, and also models socially unacceptable behaviour, which the opposite of what you want.

I remember your Christmas post. How did things go after your reflections from that?

I think when it comes to birthdays you need a blank slate. Things need to go - no more I owe you X from 3 years ago. You can explain this as a transition to adulthood.

I also agree with other that behaving like this, refusing support, refusing to talk is not ok. You need some boundaries and not swearing at her dad can be the first one.

Exactly. I’m saying it’s good that she doesn’t shout at her daughter; that is the allowance she’s making for her daughter’s autism (ie. Understand ing it’s not deliberately bad behaviour).

If she has other kids who have been sidelined and had their childhood ruined because mum and dad won’t actually parent this daughter then I don’t think they do get the titles of good mum and dad.

It really isn’t easy. My oldest is autistic and my youngest is not. It was hard. But I absolutely refused to have my youngest child shoved aside or life a lesser life because of his brother, and I’m a single parent so I exhausted myself to make sure they both had what they needed, and my oldest got the lessons and parenting and behaviour help he needed whilst my youngest was able to do all the things he’d have done without an autistic sibling. It was not easy, but you do it. Otherwise, you end up with a 19 year old
who things they’re in charge and siblings just shoved aside.

Then I met a man with OCD and added that to my life 😂 but he’s wonderful so that’s fine!

Both you and DD are making the same mistake: which is you both believe that there is a "right" thing you can do which will make her happy and stop her from complaining and tantrumming, if only you could figure out what it is. But there isn't.

There are some things you can't really fix for her. Her birthday is one of them. That is the autistic brain.

So do something nice-ish for her birthday and Christmas then go deaf to all complaints and ignore tantrums. Money is fine, maybe put it in a svaings account for her so if she doesn't spend it she can least earn some interest; or give her a present you think she might like; or give her a choice between two presents. Or a combo, and it doesn't matter if you get it a bit wrong. If (when )she fusses at most "I'm sorry you're disappointed" on repeat. Try not to blame her or get angry but do not try to compensate either. A bit of "grey rock" from you will be good for both of you.

Also stop thinking of a tantrum as an "utter disaster that spoils the day". She had a birthday, she got a present and a cake, job done. That is the low demand approach. Do not demand expressions of genuine happiness and gratitude from her or even good temper - at most a formal "thank you" if she can manage that. Old-fashioned manners which don't have to seem sincere are a lot better than sincere moaning.

I’m embarrassed to admit this but I’ve stupidly agreed to sorting out 2 years’ worth backlog of birthday and Christmas presents.

Oopsie! Oh well. I don't know what you mean by "sorting out a backlog" - you could give her some money and start afresh. Or you are allowed to change your mind if you like. Tell her what you are going to do and she will have the tantrum from hell and you will have to ignore it until she gets bored and stops, which may take a very long time, and she may come back to it for another tantrum weeks later. And rinse and repeat. Be patient and roll your inner eyes.

Good luck!

I think parents sometimes want to make their child happy a bit too much. Of course you don't want your child to be upset but being upset/uncomfortable and learning how to deal with that is just part of life, even for ND people.

My daughter is 14 and ND and she begged me to sign her up for a theatre class last year, she then signed up for the show they were doing. I made sure she understood that it would be hard work, lots of rehearsals, some boring times when she'd be sat on the sidelines etc. I also made sure she knew there was 4 all day rehearsals on weekends leading up to the show. Today is an all day rehearsal and last night she had the meltdown of all meltdowns because she didn't want to go for a full day today. The show is in two weeks. I told her in no uncertain terms that she had commited to this and she could not decide to drop out at the last minute just because she didn't fancy going to a rehearsal. Of course I was the worst mother in the world, how could I make her do this etc. Lots of shouting and door slamming, but I refused to give in. So I drove her there this morning, she wasn't particularly happy but if I allowed her to not bother what is that teaching her? That she can commit to something and then just sack it off cos she doesn't want to put the hard work in? If she signs up for the next show she will know exactly what she's getting herself in for and that she will not be allowed to decide halfway through that she's not doing it anymore.

I am sorry to say this but a "good mum" will not be setting their child up for lifelong isolation and failure. You are undoubtedly a good PERSON but you need some help in your parenting right now, which is why I suggested you see a behaviour analyst ASAP even if DD doesn't want any help.

Yeah, you’ve had to take my post completely out of the context of a ten page conversation talking about ND people who are behaving like pains in the arses to launch that attack.

Ah, OK, I misunderstood a bit. But "not shouting" is not enough. There probably have to be more tangible reinforcements in place as well.

Sorry my bad. I reread my post and can hear the potential for misunderstanding.

You literally said "ND people don't understand the impact they have on other people" which is a huge sweeping generalisation and totally inaccurate for a large proportion of autistic people.

Ok so no celebrations or gifts next year. Clearly too much for her.

Can you ask her to write down what she said that you missed so you can go over it?

it might give you an idea of how she is Trying to communicate as well as her visualising what she did and didn’t say out loud

I think @AmaryllisNightAndDay has it right
So do something nice-ish for her birthday and Christmas then go deaf to all complaints and ignore tantrums. Money is fine, maybe put it in a svaings account for her so if she doesn't spend it she can least earn some interest;
put the money in an account for her so you can just redirect any of the shouting and “you did better for my sister, stop placing demands on me to choose a gift” to say, the “money is there you can use it when you want or if when you see something and want it bought for you to “make it a gift” then let me know” and so on ad in finitum..

That’s ok. But you can explain that as she doesn’t use the gifts you buy that is the option.

she is being a bit spoilt to consistently get gifts and ignore them but also be angry at the money?!

she’s not a child anymore you can be a bit firmer.

Consequences need to be more immediate than that to have an effect, especially in ND people. I wouldn't set out a consequence that is only happening in a year's time. And one that I suspect you will find it difficult to stick to anyway. And the key is strictly sticking to clearly defined behaviour rules and consequences. What would you do if you set this rule and then for weeks prior to the next birthday she is well-behaved. I would be willing to bet that you (as would,I) would say "ok, scrap that as you are now being so good". Which undermines her learning that behaviour will have consequences and that once you set out those consequences that is it. She would learn that she can in fact get around you, as she knows now.

This thread is interesting to learn from as I think we have some autistic trait in my own family.

Its great if there are therapists in the UK who specialize in therapy/consultations for people on the spectrum (we dont have them where I am).

OP, I would try to find a way to connect to your daughter, on her terms, so that she feels she is loved. I would try to understand what she is fealing. Not meaning to pander to all she says she wants as she is partly saying things just to show how angry and insecure she feels and cant communicate that to you in a better way.