DH hid betting windfall

[Sarahji]

DH and some of his mates have a weekly betting group where they pick football teams and put them in one big bet where the potential returns are high. He has always said they never win and that the most they’ve ever got back was £120 each.

I have become close with one of his friends partners in the past year or so as our youngest is in the same school year. I saw her at soft play this afternoon, we were discussing our half term weeks and she said they’d gone away as a family. I said we looked and that the prices were really high so we couldn’t find a suitable deal.

She said they only managed it as they (the men) had the ‘win the other week’ and this covered it. I blurted out something which obviously showed I was surprised, as she immediately tried to move the subject on.

I spoke to DH when I got home who confirmed this win. He said he didn’t want to feel he had to spend it on ‘us’ so kept it to himself.

He knew how much the kids and I would have loved a few days away and could have easily put some towards it.

I’ve had the odd unexpected windfall during our relationship and some of it has always been used for his benefit too.

AIBU to feel a bit upset by this?

So if the money is equal, would it be fine for him to keep taking money to spend on bets?

So you don't share money, as he bets with "his" money. So therefore any wins are also his.
I agree with him.
It's bizarre how families have money separately. Surely it's nicer for everyone to share everything?

I don’t know, he’s probably wasted at least £800 of his own money over the course of this. So it’s more like some of his losses coming back to him?

Though I don’t really get this scheme. Mathematically it makes no difference if everyone bets separately or pools the money and splits the winnings. Blokes lol

Sounds fair enough.

Good question

i assume posters will say of course not, that’s bad.

but not sharing the winnings is also bad.

I would tell him to shove it up his arse. If he wants to play even Steven, he better be prepared for you to solely start looking after yourself.

If my DH had won that money he would have told me he had won, because he would have been excited about it, and then he would have said what shall we do to celebrate with the winnings.

We probably would have booked a trip away for the family, then I would have said keep the rest to do what you want with and if he wanted to bet with it that would be ok, because that's how adults make decisions and come to agreements in relationships.

It's not about the money being equal, it's about both of you agreeing on what the money gets spent on for the family unit. I see too many examples on Mumsnet of Mum paying/being responsible for kids and dad doing what the fuck he wants.

But he also benefited from a fun night out with his friends, that's what the money was for. Presumably you were doing childcare to make this happen. Especially since you shared your windfalls, I'm not to impressed with him.

It’s all relative really, isn’t it?

If he’s spending £5 a week on these betting weekends then I’d expect him to mention. If it’s £50, then I can see how he’s viewing the money as replenishing what he’s put in over the last few months or years and isn’t viewing it as a “windfall” but more of a recuperation.

Also depends on your attitudes to finances, which only you can know. If he knows you’re always looking for something to spend money on then I can see why he’d want to keep it quiet, and fair enough.

But if he’s regularly buying things only for himself and making the rest of you go without then it’s a problem.

Some hideously twee responses here regarding his children. Perhaps he thinks they have enough spent on them! Parents are allowed to treat themselves.

A husband with kids that doesn't spend his winnings on his family is not a family man.
He's a lad with baggage.

Listen. He's a gambling addict. So are all his friends. He's lied about wins because it never ever ends with that bet. There's always 'one more '. GET OUT NOW.

If you prefer a world where women routinely get fucked over financially, and it sounds as though you do, you can look in the real world with its pay gap and women financially stuck because of their caring and domestic duties.

MN is a forum of mostly women so it shouldn't surprise any reasonably intelligent person that it centres their needs and wants. The only reason you think it should be a perfectly balanced centre of blind justice in everything (oh fuck it, that it should centre men) is because it's largely women.

If you hate it so much here, the manosphere is in almost every other direction.

What an arse, I hope you told him to shove his takeaway up his arse

I pity you whi makes such snap judgment on people so we're all having a good night

I'm not having a good night. It makes me very sad to think of all these people who never learned what love looks like. My grandfather was right. Mean with money, mean with love. Every. Single. Time.

All assets and debts, including winnings and credit card bills, are JOINTLY owned. That is marriage. To me it is the hiding of the celebration of the win that would hurt. Hopefully he has not run up debts as a gambler, as this seems to be the scenario.

We've had a few wins on lotto tickets or contests. Yelled with joy, and phoned each other first thing once we found out, then decided together what to do with the winnings. Kids even got some money each without our input on how to spend.

I would be upset as well if I were in your shoes.

what is the point in being a family if you have separate money and choose to be a selfish bastard ? You may as well be single.

Oh don’t be so ridiculous

Good, solid answer!

No point in engaging with hyperbole

Very well put. 👏

You're married to a selfish AH.

Is he selfish about other things? That money is half yours BTW he has no rights to 100% of it. I'd be seriously considering my options. Why would anyone want to be with someone this selfish - it's tantamount to financial abuse, and he doesn't give a fiddle about the kids either.

If you're married, it's joint money that he uses to bet with and so are the winnings.
What he did is really unkind, fancy not wanting to share his good luck with you all, very sad.

That's your excuse and you're sticking to it.