DH hid betting windfall

[Sarahji]

DH and some of his mates have a weekly betting group where they pick football teams and put them in one big bet where the potential returns are high. He has always said they never win and that the most they’ve ever got back was £120 each.

I have become close with one of his friends partners in the past year or so as our youngest is in the same school year. I saw her at soft play this afternoon, we were discussing our half term weeks and she said they’d gone away as a family. I said we looked and that the prices were really high so we couldn’t find a suitable deal.

She said they only managed it as they (the men) had the ‘win the other week’ and this covered it. I blurted out something which obviously showed I was surprised, as she immediately tried to move the subject on.

I spoke to DH when I got home who confirmed this win. He said he didn’t want to feel he had to spend it on ‘us’ so kept it to himself.

He knew how much the kids and I would have loved a few days away and could have easily put some towards it.

I’ve had the odd unexpected windfall during our relationship and some of it has always been used for his benefit too.

AIBU to feel a bit upset by this?

But the OP has said it's from his own money.
Not sure whether it has been said if they have the same amount. If they do each take the same amount each month as their own spends, is it right that one partner should then sacrifice their personal spending money? For all we know the OP might spend her fun money each month on clothes and make up.
If they wanted the holiday maybe they need to look at cutting the personal spends they each get and each putting more into a holiday savings pot.

Absolutely this!

How can you even be sure he’s being truthful about the amount he won?

DH tinkers with ‘his’ money on stocks/shares and recently made a few thousand - he wouldn’t have dreamt of not telling me even though he knows I would not expect anything from it. And he then went out and bought me a diamond bracelet he knew I liked!

Your husband is a sneaky miserable fucker

His own money? He's not living separately, isn't he married and part of a family unit?

In a nutshell!

OP says she shares her windfalls with him / the family.

I hope she stops sharing them with him now.

What windfalls has op had?

You would have to ask OP.

some of it has always been used for his benefit too

I am not convinced her contribution has been that significant based on this. Some of it sounds like she has kept back money for herself.

I still stand by them needing to look at how their finances are shared if they are going to be picky over who's win belongs to the individual or if it belongs to the family.

If OP shares her own windfalls with him, then there really is absolutely no justification for him not doing the same. The precedent is set in the marriage and he's accepted it when it works in his favour.

But apart from that... who are all these people who have never loved another person enough, nor been loved enough by one, to understand that this just isn't how love works? That you come into a few hundred and deliberately hide it because you "don't want to feel like [you] have to spend it on 'us'"? Even your kids? None of it? That's so cold and unloving. It depresses me to think of it.

But he kept all of his for himself. OP shared it with him.

How are you still finding fault with OP?

OP - you are definitely going to have to get a handle on family finances. Seriously

It’s not a huge sum of money really, is it? I doubt it even covers the bets he’s made over the time he’s been in this syndicate. If it was a few thousand then yeah fair enough. I think frittering some on a piss up and a “posh curry” is wasteful though, unless he was spending the same amount on a pre planned night out (I.e. he was spending that regardless of the win, not because of the win).

If my DP won £800 on lottery or bonds or something I’d be pleased for him but I wouldn’t want him to then specifically spend it on something for us. I’d rather he saved it. If I won the same, I wouldn’t expect him to be asking me to book us a trip away.

After reading ‘he’s a selfish prick’ on about 20 posts I was thinking…
Am I a selfish prick?

Again… NAAAHHHH 🤣

I find this thread a bit weird.

Without the context of what their income is like, ability to treat their kids and what OP spends her cash on, it's a bit of a empty discussion.

It's the lying that's the key point with any of that concerned.

I've won 10k pre-kids, had some good investments and PB post kids, plus some inheritance. My husband has never once suggested I do anything particular except to make investment suggestions. I've wanted us both to treat the whole family when we've been particularly flush, but I've never been grabby about windfalls.

Because we don't know how significant her windfall was and how much she contributed to him - maybe she also paid for a takeaway.

My point isn't against the OP but more an argument that if they have a separate spending system where they each get equal amounts then how each spends it is entirely up to them. Most of the time as others have said he is wasting his as the wins are usually small and not frequent. If her spending money goes on clothes and make up her husband might think this is a waste of money but it is her choice.

What do you think as per my previous post if she saved/invested her spending money each month who should then benefit from the interest? Should she then share that back with the family or should she keep it to invest further or to treat herself for making a choice with a good return?

YANBU. I'd be upset and disappointed.

I think it's sad he didn't seem to intend to want to share it, even some of it, with his family. If I came into that amount of money, I might think, well I could do with a new coat and boots, so I'll spend a couple of hundred on that, then the rest we can spend on a family weekend away. I wouldn't earmark the whole lot for myself unless I needed it for depts, car repairs or something generally important. No reason why he should share all of it, but you'd think he'd like his family to benefit from some of it at least.

£800 isn’t that much, if they’ve run out of money for kids shoes and swimming lessons and washing powder then yes, he’s an absolute waste of space and I would be furious, but otherwise I think it’s easy money, easy come easy go. I feel like all those guys won the money together and now they are going to spend it together. I think I would perhaps do the same, and it would be glorious.

This.

What is the general set up? Do you work? Do you both equally parent? Whats the house chores share like?

I won £10k on the lottery, used it to leave my <now> XH - he still has no idea where I got the money from.

The issue is he hid it. It’s not rocket science 🙄

I've never seen the point of getting married if there's going to be a split in money. You're either a team or you're not. If you are entitled to half of each others money when you divorce then you should be sharing when you are married, otherwise what's the point. Your husband is a selfish git.

Yay. And fuck everyone else👍

Because he knew she’d want to take it off him! Difference is I wouldn’t do that to my DP, nor would he to me. If he’d shown form for expecting me to hand over my cash to him then I may do the same.

Do you want a badge?

I presume you’re a woman so you’ll be fine to keep it to yourself.

he however is called a selfish prick.

typical mumsnet