DH hid betting windfall

[Sarahji]

DH and some of his mates have a weekly betting group where they pick football teams and put them in one big bet where the potential returns are high. He has always said they never win and that the most they’ve ever got back was £120 each.

I have become close with one of his friends partners in the past year or so as our youngest is in the same school year. I saw her at soft play this afternoon, we were discussing our half term weeks and she said they’d gone away as a family. I said we looked and that the prices were really high so we couldn’t find a suitable deal.

She said they only managed it as they (the men) had the ‘win the other week’ and this covered it. I blurted out something which obviously showed I was surprised, as she immediately tried to move the subject on.

I spoke to DH when I got home who confirmed this win. He said he didn’t want to feel he had to spend it on ‘us’ so kept it to himself.

He knew how much the kids and I would have loved a few days away and could have easily put some towards it.

I’ve had the odd unexpected windfall during our relationship and some of it has always been used for his benefit too.

AIBU to feel a bit upset by this?

This. You're either married and life partners or just in a house share.

Divorce is divorce though, not marriage.

Marriage doesn't mean having nothing that belongs to you. We are a team as in we share bills, household tasks, childcare etc but we also have our own money and that's absolutely fine.

Marriage doesn't have to be the same for everyone.

Perhaps he could relax in a jacuzzi 😉

We really do seem to have had an influx lately, don't we? Did someone take the piss out of Reddit?

What’s actually wrong with being selfish though?

If I had an unexpected windfall my first thoughts would be what I could do with it for me and me only before I considered anything else. I wouldn’t hide it though. I’d probably just announce I was off on a solo trip.

Dunno. I would guess that bloke has gone back to the health club today in the hope of a repeat performance. I think this bloke just doesn't want to be married and is probably spending winnings on all sorts....

Right. So you'd just ignore your life partner and children?
Ok.

No, I’d like to be able to give my opinion like everyone else without someone giving pointless snarky responses. Unlikely on here, granted.

We have separate finances and I’ve never shared any winnings with DH or vice versa - we tell each other and then it’s up to us what we do with funds …. But there are no kids in the equation

Note the use of the word 'some'

He did treat himself. Which is perfectly fair. But in most, but not all marriages/relationships that would have been a discussion, not a secret

I like to prioritise myself. There are lots of people on mumsnet who’d probably benefit from giving it a go.

Right.

It’s a thankless task being a mother.

To be fair, some of us get kindness, thoughtfulness and respect from our husbands and children.

That sounds lovely. I’m happy you do.

That's really mean of him, OP.
If he wanted to treat himself to a night out with the other winners or whatever, I get that to a point, but at least 75% should have gone into the family pot for something you all need or even something you all want.
Otherwise what is the point? If you're not pulling together in the same direction, what use is he?
No wonder he didn't tell you.
He knows that what he is doing is very wrong.

...so I feel so sorry for so many women on these threads living with men like this one 😢

So he wanted something for himself.
Many women have/are advised to have an "escape fund", no?
I certainly have one, even if not needed in over 20 years.
This was just a betting windfall (whatever that means).

If I won £800 I wouldn't necessarily spend it all on family but I wouldn't keep it on the sly. Come to think of it i did come in to some money a few years ago ( apx 3k) and the first thing I did was book an overnight stay at a posh hotel, I did keep the rest though as personal savings( we both have these alongside some joint finances).

I'd be more bothered that he kept it on the sly. And that he must be thick as shit to think you wouldn't find out if you know the wives.
Thick and sly, not an attractive combo.

It means he got lucky with got a good amount of winnings.

Dont be too sad. People do have different life experiences and different opinions, It’s only an £800 win which he’s spending unwisely.

There was a thread on here recently where the woman had won some money. And everyone encouraged her to keep it to herself. I commented at the time saying how it would be a completely different story if the situation was reversed.

And now my point is proved.

No, that's not my point.

Compare the comments in this thread and see the direct comparison...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5473709-aibu-to-keep-quiet-about-a-competition-cash-win?reply=149779616

On minimum wage, £800 is only 2 weeks take-home pay. So I can't really get worked up that @Sarahji other half has pocketed £800. It's not a life changing amount like £18,000 that could have chopped a few years off your mortgage.

Essentially, what they did as a group (syndicate) was their own discretion. What you got to remember in gambling is that the house has the edge over the players and this group therefore loses most weeks. It's just that they recently had a decent(ish) few hundred quid win and they treated themselves to a piss-up and a curry.