DH hid betting windfall

[Sarahji]

DH and some of his mates have a weekly betting group where they pick football teams and put them in one big bet where the potential returns are high. He has always said they never win and that the most they’ve ever got back was £120 each.

I have become close with one of his friends partners in the past year or so as our youngest is in the same school year. I saw her at soft play this afternoon, we were discussing our half term weeks and she said they’d gone away as a family. I said we looked and that the prices were really high so we couldn’t find a suitable deal.

She said they only managed it as they (the men) had the ‘win the other week’ and this covered it. I blurted out something which obviously showed I was surprised, as she immediately tried to move the subject on.

I spoke to DH when I got home who confirmed this win. He said he didn’t want to feel he had to spend it on ‘us’ so kept it to himself.

He knew how much the kids and I would have loved a few days away and could have easily put some towards it.

I’ve had the odd unexpected windfall during our relationship and some of it has always been used for his benefit too.

AIBU to feel a bit upset by this?

Sorry but he is a very selfish man.

He’s acting like a single man.

Do you? Any reason or just making it up?

I think that’s pretty shitty off him to be honest.

What an utter twat.

Because he’s in Team me. That’s why

The poster was "fascinated" (fuck's sake) by an imagined world in which women on MN en masse encourage women to hide money from men for no reason. In actual context, a) this doesn't happen and b) when women are encouraged to start a running away fund or similar, it's because in this world, men earn more in general and sadly abuse is common, as tons of daily threads will attest. Which everyone knows. It's totally disingenuous to pretend there's no context to it. It's also disingenuous to pretend that it's the same as hiding a significant windfall in a normal and non abusive marriage because you don't want to do anything nice with it for the people you're supposed to love.

It's also disingenuous to pretend that posts about this wider context are posts about this specific case. However, the guy is a selfish knob however you slice it. If you win close to a grand and don't have any desire to do anything nice for your partner and kids with it, something is wrong and it's probably with you.

Doesn't excuse the slyness though? The lack of openness is a red flag in any relationship.

I agree, he’s a twat.

Best argument on here yet. So many people falling over themselves to try and ruin a marriage and they can't grasp the simple point about the fact about the wins v loss.

I think it is disingenuous to think of the £800 without the context of the fact that husband has probably put more than that in over his life and most probably the last year. Best to think of it as a hypothetical pot that is the husband's. As long as it isn't causing any hardship he wins and loses and he can decide what to do with it.

Ideal world I would love for him to share because nice is nice

But the rabid denounciation and vitriol about this is absolutely crazy and out of proportion...not aimed at you specifically btw.

In his universe she's grabby.

Doesn't matter how much it was, £8 £800 or 8 grand...he should and could have told you about it... The fact that he didn't should be waving one hell of a massive red flag. What else does he hide from you ....

He said he didn’t want to feel he had to spend it on ‘us’ so kept it to himself.

A decent husband/father/person wouldn’t even think like this, let alone say it out loud.

Knowing his kids could have had a little holiday and denied that by his selfishness - gross!

I agree. Imagine not wanting to spend money on your own children. How selfish.

Get a separate savings account that he knows nothing about.

Tell him nothing about future windfalls and inheritances.

if he hadn't spent any money on the betting over the year(s) and instead put it into a savings pot, they could all have had more than 1 holiday, I suspect.

Hmm. I agree with you in principle but also don’t think £800 is that big a deal and I can see why he wouldn’t necessarily want it all to be swallowed on a family holiday if he’s been paying for his stake out of his own spending money rather then your joint account etc - if it was £10k that would be a very different matter.

This, x 💯

This is an incredibly good point

I think it is disingenuous to think of the £800 without the context of the fact that husband has probably put more than that in over his life and most probably the last year.

No, that's just you not understanding how gambling works. Of course he paid in more than he won overall. The house always wins; he'd have been exceptionally lucky to win that amount before he'd paid it in.

It also seems that you don't understand that when people actually love each other, they don't come into significant windfalls like that and not want to do anything at all with it for their partners or children. For that, I do genuinely pity you. Mean with money, mean with love. I have never, ever, ever seen an exception to this.

ODFOD

£800 is a big deal to most families. I would suggest that most men would want to share a bit of good fortune with their children.

So your money is 'family' money, and his money is his money. That's not right at all.

Yes, that's what it sounds like. Awful.