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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH hid betting windfall

951 replies

Sarahji · 21/02/2026 17:39

DH and some of his mates have a weekly betting group where they pick football teams and put them in one big bet where the potential returns are high. He has always said they never win and that the most they’ve ever got back was £120 each.

I have become close with one of his friends partners in the past year or so as our youngest is in the same school year. I saw her at soft play this afternoon, we were discussing our half term weeks and she said they’d gone away as a family. I said we looked and that the prices were really high so we couldn’t find a suitable deal.

She said they only managed it as they (the men) had the ‘win the other week’ and this covered it. I blurted out something which obviously showed I was surprised, as she immediately tried to move the subject on.

I spoke to DH when I got home who confirmed this win. He said he didn’t want to feel he had to spend it on ‘us’ so kept it to himself.

He knew how much the kids and I would have loved a few days away and could have easily put some towards it.

I’ve had the odd unexpected windfall during our relationship and some of it has always been used for his benefit too.

AIBU to feel a bit upset by this?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
HK04 · 26/02/2026 07:53

PurpleThistle7 · 26/02/2026 07:51

He had a few hundred left of the winnings. In one night he spent £500 of his money and another £500 of his winnings and he won’t explain how. Appreciate people manage money in lots of ways, but as this particular family was looking for £300 for a weekend away they aren’t likely to be in any better a financial position than I am and that is an insane amount of money to spend on a night out. With lies about an imaginary casino on top.

I cannot imagine a scenario where my husband and I couldn’t have any sort of explanation for spending a thousand pounds in one night.

Show quote history

OP can maybe clarify but my understanding and could be wrong was he showed her a £500 cash withdrawal but not been stated on thread as far as I can see that he admitted spending it all on that night… as say though could have missed that.

OneShyQuail · 26/02/2026 07:53

Sarahji · 25/02/2026 22:55

Sorry for lack of updates. Things escalated yesterday so I have been dealing with the fall out.

He told me he ‘thinks’ he wants a divorce. When pressed, he said this has been the final straw and he never thought he’d be in a marriage where he has to justify his every expense and movement and he feels he can’t be in a ‘controlling’ marriage any more.

This is utter BS, I was so taken aback but he just shut down any further conversation. He left with minimal belongings and is staying at a friends (won’t tell me who) and said he’ll be in touch to sort arrangements to see the kids at the weekend.

So I am left solo parenting and he has told them he’s on a work trip, when I know damn well he is not!!

I just wanted to say im sorry to see how things transpired through this thread. But you deserve much better than what he was offering you.
Be kind to yourself.
I bet he comes crawling back at some point. Stay strong

Moonnstarz · 26/02/2026 07:55

I think it's strange that if there wasn't anything to hide he has decided to leave to stay with a mate and say he thinks he wants a divorce.
There has got to be more to this.

OneShyQuail · 26/02/2026 07:57

HK04 · 26/02/2026 06:13

Know i’ll get roasted, but I can a wee bit see his point as I’d be the same. Wouldn’t want to be in a marriage either where I was pressed to justify my expenditure.

+There is still a chance that he blew his own £s without doing anything untoward. That the issue is he frittered it and his reaction is due to being what he perceives as controlled/forensically scrutinised.

The escalation/speculation on this thread has regardless been wild. He shouldn’t of lied, or said the things he said. He did act/react badly. No question.

OP also entitled to ask and justified also in feeling aggrieved.

Sad situation overall though.

MN egging on the Spanish Inquisition… unfortunately could see this coming. In a scenario of immovable object v irresistible force something has to give.

To go from kids/I would have liked few days away to divorce on one post is quite an escalation.

Edited

Quite. Poor guy talking about reigning women in, getting a brass and gaslighted his wife because he LIED about his whereabouts.
Of course he needs this break "at friends"
Hell hes even lying to his children saying hes away with work.

Poor soul 🎻 i hope he'll be ok

glowfrog · 26/02/2026 08:20

@HK04all fair enough re: feelings. For sure we have no idea what the rest of the relationship is like - although you quote the OP here:
^^
He described this as the final straw, indicates there's more to it, we don't know how things have been up to this point, also said if he'd interrogated OP that there'd be uproar. Just his view but interesting phrases none the less.

It is indeed an interesting choice of words. Assuming the OP is reporting things truthfully / verbatim, it’s hard to give his feeling and perspective fair consideration given how he’s spoken about his friend’s wife and about asking him to to “rein her in.”

Also: just because he felt “interrogated”, doesn’t mean he actually was. OP asked a reasonable question, and if her husband had been open about what he had done, the only question would have remained “should he have spent it on his family?” So that’s why I don’t think it’s a case of “maybe he’s right to be upset” and more a case of “what is he hiding by and why?”

glowfrog · 26/02/2026 08:21

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 26/02/2026 06:49

She isnt asking him to justify what he spent his money on, just to say what he spent his money on.

if I spent £500 on a night out and I refused to tell my husband what I spent it on it is very different than him demanding for me to justify why I spent it.

This man is choosing divorce over telling op what he spent the money on. and this is after repeatedly lying about where he was. There is nothing good here.if he would rather lose his family than tell his wife where £500 went, he knows the truth would destroy the marriage anyway.

Edited
Show quote history

Exactly this - well put.

HK04 · 26/02/2026 08:38

glowfrog · 26/02/2026 08:20

@HK04all fair enough re: feelings. For sure we have no idea what the rest of the relationship is like - although you quote the OP here:
^^
He described this as the final straw, indicates there's more to it, we don't know how things have been up to this point, also said if he'd interrogated OP that there'd be uproar. Just his view but interesting phrases none the less.

It is indeed an interesting choice of words. Assuming the OP is reporting things truthfully / verbatim, it’s hard to give his feeling and perspective fair consideration given how he’s spoken about his friend’s wife and about asking him to to “rein her in.”

Also: just because he felt “interrogated”, doesn’t mean he actually was. OP asked a reasonable question, and if her husband had been open about what he had done, the only question would have remained “should he have spent it on his family?” So that’s why I don’t think it’s a case of “maybe he’s right to be upset” and more a case of “what is he hiding by and why?”

All valid points and well made @glowfrog . Wouldn’t disagree and also fair to caveat appropriately as there are some unknowns.

Guess I’m not looking at it from a perspective of he’s right to be upset, more observing that’s just way it is. They both are. For different reasons.

The rein in and other comments extremely poor. No excuses. For me, bottom line is understanding how it might be viewed both sides but don’t have enough info as it stands.

scottishgirl69 · 26/02/2026 08:50

Sarahji · 25/02/2026 22:55

Sorry for lack of updates. Things escalated yesterday so I have been dealing with the fall out.

He told me he ‘thinks’ he wants a divorce. When pressed, he said this has been the final straw and he never thought he’d be in a marriage where he has to justify his every expense and movement and he feels he can’t be in a ‘controlling’ marriage any more.

This is utter BS, I was so taken aback but he just shut down any further conversation. He left with minimal belongings and is staying at a friends (won’t tell me who) and said he’ll be in touch to sort arrangements to see the kids at the weekend.

So I am left solo parenting and he has told them he’s on a work trip, when I know damn well he is not!!

Leave him to it. If he honestly thinks you asking what he blew 500 quid on is controlling and asking where he was when he's obviously lying he needs to give his head a wobble. I'd personally blank his contact. If he won't tell you where he is he can wait another couple of days to see the kids. It's not fair on you handing the kids over to someone who won't tell you where he or they are - that's really not fair

Walked out on the kids too - what a scum bag.

scottishgirl69 · 26/02/2026 08:51

HK04 · 26/02/2026 07:53

OP can maybe clarify but my understanding and could be wrong was he showed her a £500 cash withdrawal but not been stated on thread as far as I can see that he admitted spending it all on that night… as say though could have missed that.

Show quote history

He did admit spending several hundred pounds in one day

scottishgirl69 · 26/02/2026 08:55

No one was egging on the Spanish inquisition. Let's stop making this a Mumsnet said this and mumsnet said that issue. He blew a huge some of money. He initially lied about his winnings. Then he lied about where he was. Then he started saying he might as well have been with a brass. Then the awful comments about his friends wife.

Now he wants a divorce and he's fucked off and won't even tell his wife where he is? Mumsnet isn't responsible for that.

All he had to say was where he was and what he blew the money on

Glindaa · 26/02/2026 08:57

Andepeda · 26/02/2026 06:40

He's thinking that divorce might be a better option than honesty.

That's some guilty secret he's got there.

This.
In case you’re questioning yourself, you’re NOT a controlling wife OP . Guy’s up to no good. Try to see this as an opportunity for someone new & lovely to come into your life.

Oldbird69 · 26/02/2026 09:22

I agree with the reply which said he's trying to scare you that he'll leave/divorce you. If he was going to do it, why would he lie to your children? He'd have to tell them at some point, so why lie now?
I also don't think he's having an affair. It sounds much more like a one off act by what you've posted. I think you'd be looking back and remembering other things he'd done if he was.
Stay strong & don't be bullied by him is my advice. Whether you stay together or not is completely up to you, but make sure he knows that you can't live with a liar xx

scottishgirl69 · 26/02/2026 09:56

I had a friend who's partner controlled all the money -including money for shopping. She had to pretend that food was more expensive than it was so that she could have any money to herself. (A few quid).

She wasn't working at that point and he was and eventually she started working again so I presume things changed but this was someone in their late 30s having to ask permission to go out and for pocket money to do so.

She was allowed out one night a week - Saturday. He went out as well - during the week but if there was ever an occasion where she had wanted to go out on a Friday night instead the answer would have been no. He wasn't into socialising much with her either

I thought his behaviour was pretty co ercive particularly the money aspect - but that was just the way she lived and she was used to it.

I also grew up in a family where my stepfather drank, gambled, stole from my mum (beat her and mentally abused her too).

I remember my mum telling me she got a tax rebate once. Probably about forty quid - he went to the bank and he managed to get it cashed even though it was made out to her

Some people are controlling and Co -
ercive (and really unpleasant with it).

I don't think asking where your husband was of an afternoon and asking how he managed to blow 500 quid in a few hours is controlling behaviour

CherryShiner77 · 26/02/2026 09:57

I'm sorry to hear your update OP. Have you had other trust issues in the relationship? Does his reaction feel out of the blue?

We're all allowed boundaries in our relationships. A few PPs are saying they wouldn't want to say where they'd spent their money either and that's ok, that's their boundary in their relationships. The fact you are asking your DH and were reasonably expecting an answer sounds like it's normal in your relationship to tell each other this kind of thing. Don't get sidetracked by other posters applying their boundaries onto your situation.

It sounds from your posts that he is digging his heels in. Your choice currently, as presented by him, is accept this behaviour (now - and in the future) or split. He is showing you the kind of man he is - one who would let his family go without a holiday when he knew he could afford one, one who tells outright lies (e.g. casino), one who fritters large amounts of money, one who speaks angrily about women, one who walks away from his kids, one who tries to guilt-trip you. This is a massive rupture, and currently not one he is willing to repair. I cannot imagine treating someone I loved in this way.

Washingupdone · 26/02/2026 10:10

Be strong and prepare for anything. Without anyone else’s knowledge, not even a friend who may let slip, make an appointment with a solicitor to see where you stand, to protect both you and your DCs’ home.
Search out all monetary papers, pensions, savings etc.take copies as well as text messages.
Hopefully it will not come to anything but you must be ready.

gamerchick · 26/02/2026 10:14

He's told them he's on a work trip because he's fully believing that this will be the thing to make you back down. The next thing he will do is threaten to get full custody of the kids. They always do that.

You really need to speak to a solicitor and get a plan.

glowfrog · 26/02/2026 10:16

Very well put @CherryShiner77

Pancakesbythedozen · 26/02/2026 10:21

Ime he'll come back expecting you to be truly grateful and brushing under the carpet the fact he's pissed all that money away.
Cut him loose op.
Ime he isn't worth keeping.

Slightyamusedandsilly · 26/02/2026 12:21

I think it's pretty clear he's done something really awful.

No one leaves a marriage over a bit of wasted money. He's been with a prostitute, done a load of coke or something else illegal and he'd rather end his marriage than face the shame of whatever he did. It MUST be really bad.

So sorry for you @Sarahji. It's shit and you've done nothing wrong.

Omgblueskys · 26/02/2026 12:30

Slightyamusedandsilly · 26/02/2026 12:21

I think it's pretty clear he's done something really awful.

No one leaves a marriage over a bit of wasted money. He's been with a prostitute, done a load of coke or something else illegal and he'd rather end his marriage than face the shame of whatever he did. It MUST be really bad.

So sorry for you @Sarahji. It's shit and you've done nothing wrong.

See I'm going to disagree with this, i going with , he not going to be questioned by op, how dare she even ask about the money and then the night out, just how dare she, the divvy thinks ' storm out mention divorce and let her sweat, she'll be begging for me to come back, that will teach her to question me ever again'

I hope for op sake, she is one step in front of him, and takes control, me well I would of packed all his stuff dropped it around parents home and told them, and start the ball rolling ' getting ducks together ' but that's me,

OneShyQuail · 26/02/2026 13:17

OP i hope you can find the time to get yourself a lawyer and proceed with the divorce so you can shock him.

He is clearly trying to manipulate/scare you/shock you then try and come back. Take charge and control.

Lean on family and friends for support

Slightyamusedandsilly · 26/02/2026 13:46

Omgblueskys · 26/02/2026 12:30

See I'm going to disagree with this, i going with , he not going to be questioned by op, how dare she even ask about the money and then the night out, just how dare she, the divvy thinks ' storm out mention divorce and let her sweat, she'll be begging for me to come back, that will teach her to question me ever again'

I hope for op sake, she is one step in front of him, and takes control, me well I would of packed all his stuff dropped it around parents home and told them, and start the ball rolling ' getting ducks together ' but that's me,

Show quote history

Happy to agree to disagree about your first paragraph. And in complete agreement with the second. As I dropped his bin-bagged stuff off on his mum's doorstep I'd yell, 'I've changed the locks so don't bother coming back' through the letter box.

Thechaseison71 · 26/02/2026 13:48

Slightyamusedandsilly · 26/02/2026 13:46

Happy to agree to disagree about your first paragraph. And in complete agreement with the second. As I dropped his bin-bagged stuff off on his mum's doorstep I'd yell, 'I've changed the locks so don't bother coming back' through the letter box.

Show quote history

Which you would have no right to do as still his home and you'd be breaking the law

PlanBFertility26 · 26/02/2026 13:54

Sarahji · 21/02/2026 17:39

DH and some of his mates have a weekly betting group where they pick football teams and put them in one big bet where the potential returns are high. He has always said they never win and that the most they’ve ever got back was £120 each.

I have become close with one of his friends partners in the past year or so as our youngest is in the same school year. I saw her at soft play this afternoon, we were discussing our half term weeks and she said they’d gone away as a family. I said we looked and that the prices were really high so we couldn’t find a suitable deal.

She said they only managed it as they (the men) had the ‘win the other week’ and this covered it. I blurted out something which obviously showed I was surprised, as she immediately tried to move the subject on.

I spoke to DH when I got home who confirmed this win. He said he didn’t want to feel he had to spend it on ‘us’ so kept it to himself.

He knew how much the kids and I would have loved a few days away and could have easily put some towards it.

I’ve had the odd unexpected windfall during our relationship and some of it has always been used for his benefit too.

AIBU to feel a bit upset by this?

Edited to delete what I said as read all messages. Sorry OP! What a T he is

scottishgirl69 · 26/02/2026 13:59

PlanBFertility26 · 26/02/2026 13:54

Edited to delete what I said as read all messages. Sorry OP! What a T he is

Edited
Show quote history

He spent 500 quid in an afternoon and is lying about where he went and how he spent it