DH hid betting windfall

[Sarahji]

DH and some of his mates have a weekly betting group where they pick football teams and put them in one big bet where the potential returns are high. He has always said they never win and that the most they’ve ever got back was £120 each.

I have become close with one of his friends partners in the past year or so as our youngest is in the same school year. I saw her at soft play this afternoon, we were discussing our half term weeks and she said they’d gone away as a family. I said we looked and that the prices were really high so we couldn’t find a suitable deal.

She said they only managed it as they (the men) had the ‘win the other week’ and this covered it. I blurted out something which obviously showed I was surprised, as she immediately tried to move the subject on.

I spoke to DH when I got home who confirmed this win. He said he didn’t want to feel he had to spend it on ‘us’ so kept it to himself.

He knew how much the kids and I would have loved a few days away and could have easily put some towards it.

I’ve had the odd unexpected windfall during our relationship and some of it has always been used for his benefit too.

AIBU to feel a bit upset by this?

Ah love, I'm sorry.

Bloody hell op, what a cop out, rather than explain and reassure you, he's asking for a divorce, Bloody hell this speaks volumes op,
Why he choosing to walk away, and not telling were he is staying again what's he playing at,
I hope your angry op, fined your strength and take control

He's weak, he knows your on to him, he doesn't like being questioned, so he walks out, wow op, he should be ashamed,

Don't be gaslighted by this. This is all a consequence of him lying. He hid the windfall, but he outright lied about where he spent it. All you asked for was honesty, that's not controlling behaviour.
Now he's refusing to let you know where he has gone which is another red flag.
I'm sorry that an innocent conversation with a friend has exploded all of this into your life. You will be ok but I think you've got some difficult stuff to wade through in the short term.
You have a lot of support here. Make sure you access some support in real life too.

Absolutely nailed it! Such an insightful response. Sorry he has done this but, its for the best.

With this to

Yep agree. He could be trying to test you, see if you'll beg him back, promise you'll never ask questions again. Fuck that. £800 is a lot of money and you were not being controlling to ask about it. When I've come into money like that I've talked to DH about it and whether we'll use it or save it. If i have a big thing I've earmarked for it that I'd like to buy just for myself as a treat I say that too and we'll discuss. But secrecy is not right in a relationship.

So sorry OP. This will be hard, stay strong. You need to look after yourself and your children now. He is either having a affair, or he has gone to a friends hoping you will be sorry and contrite.
Your husband sounds horrible, don't let him bully you, or convince you that you are controlling. Sorry it turned out like this but you deserve so much better.

If £800 is such a big deal op can probably forget about getting much out of a divorce settlement as he clearly doesn’t have two pennies to rub together. Let him clear off and find a real fella who can provide.

It will be another woman

I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP. The way he’s acting really sounds to me like there’s another woman involved somehow.
my ex acted exactly the same way in the end, would rather walk away when he knew I wasn’t going to just put up and shut up anymore. He wouldn’t tell me his whereabouts either and refused point blank to speak, he treated me like shit on his shoe and blamed me for everything that had gone wrong throughout the whole marriage.
I believe now I was living with someone with narcissism, he turned in to a monster I barely knew. He could never take accountability for anything and would storm off and refuse to speak about anything he didn’t like.
it was a living hell. I truly hope you don’t fall into the same trap I did of trying to make things work for the kids, and pushing your own hurt and pain aside. You deserve much better than someone who disrespects you and treats you like they don’t love you x💐

.... find a real fella who can provide .....??

Pop off back to the 1950s love

Sorry to read your update Sarahji. He sounds extremely immature and a total prat. I too think he is testing the waters with you.

I'm positive if there was another woman involved, your friend would have heard about it or at least questioned her partner after your school conversation as to what occurred. I think it's likely if he had, he would be the type to brag about pulling other women...

Is it worth making a call to your friend giving her an update and ask her to be honest if she has heard of another woman being involved? From there you can make some informed decisions.

Don't be afraid telling family and friends either. You need support, the children will start asking questions and family/friends need to wrap around you at this time.

This bloke needs to be called out for his behaviour and to be reminded of his obligations as a Husband and Father. If he was my Son, he wouldn't be getting a chance to walk away until I had my extensive say on the matter and his conduct.

Sending hugs x

I think you should message ‘I will be staying at a friends Sunday night to late on Tuesday to take some time to think about what the kids need in a separation. I’m still gobsmacked that this is where you are at because I objected to your lies, but am increasingly convinced it’s the right thing to do. I’ve told your parents and mine as I expect to need some support while you pull your ‘away with work’ crap.
and you should have told all the parents. A message to each set is fine.
Mum dad /mil, fil, I need to tell you something. Dh won some money, lied about it, spent it, lied about where and now I have no idea where hes been or what he’s been doing, I don’t know if it’s drugs or prostitutes or gambling, it’s hard to think where else £500 in a night that he refuses to talk about could go. He’s so mad that I’m upset about this that he’s walked out and asked for a divorce. I don’t know where he is, the serial liar that I thought was my husband has told the kids he’s away with work. So that’s where we are at and I thought you needed to know. I’ve told him I will be taking Monday and Tuesday away to think but obviously if he doesn’t turn up I can’t do that. I must have never known him at all.

Know i’ll get roasted, but I can a wee bit see his point as I’d be the same. Wouldn’t want to be in a marriage either where I was pressed to justify my expenditure.

+There is still a chance that he blew his own £s without doing anything untoward. That the issue is he frittered it and his reaction is due to being what he perceives as controlled/forensically scrutinised.

The escalation/speculation on this thread has regardless been wild. He shouldn’t of lied, or said the things he said. He did act/react badly. No question.

OP also entitled to ask and justified also in feeling aggrieved.

Sad situation overall though.

MN egging on the Spanish Inquisition… unfortunately could see this coming. In a scenario of immovable object v irresistible force something has to give.

To go from kids/I would have liked few days away to divorce on one post is quite an escalation.

Sorry to hear this, OP. As others have said, it’s quite possible that he’s been wanting to leave for a while and is using this situation as an excuse. But his readiness to do so in this way does feel like he may have someone else on the side.

Regardless, this isn’t someone who’s committed to his family in any way. If he’s gone off to give you a fright as may also be the case, then he’s the one who’s being controlling. His language towards his friend’s wife suggests there’s a fair amount of misogyny there.

If you have joint accounts, I would advise you take out half to protect yourself, before he empties it. Take out more in proportion to what you both contribute, if you earn less.

If it does look like a divorce will happen, you need to be the one to start proceedings- if he does, he can potentially stiff you with his costs at the end.

Again, I’m sorry this is happening. He doesn’t sound like a very nice man.

Do you think his repeated lies about his whereabouts might have a teeny tiny bit to do with the escalation? Do you believe that this man is responsible for his own behaviour, or is it the fault of the women on this thread for "egging on the Spanish Inquisition" or indeed the OP for objecting that her husband hide money from her and lie to her about where's he's been and what he's been doing?

He knows she thinks he's up to no good and he's angry because she's right, not because she's wrong.

He's thinking that divorce might be a better option than honesty.

That's some guilty secret he's got there.

@HK04if OP is entitled to ask, why do you think her husband is entitled to be upset to be asked? Genuine question! Is it a case of both things can be true?

For me, the issue is that he hid winning the money. Sure, if you feel the money is for you to do whatever you like, I can see how you’d think you don’t need or even shouldn’t mention it to your other half lest they start suggesting you should spend it on the family. It’s possible his mates talked about how they were going to spend it on their families and he actually felt guilty he didn’t want to - but his response throughout has been disgraceful and disrespectful. Regardless of the rights and wrongs in this particular situation, it’s likely there’s been plenty of times where he’s been an equally poor husband in other ways.

She isnt asking him to justify what he spent his money on, just to say what he spent his money on.

if I spent £500 on a night out and I refused to tell my husband what I spent it on it is very different than him demanding for me to justify why I spent it.

This man is choosing divorce over telling op what he spent the money on. and this is after repeatedly lying about where he was. There is nothing good here.if he would rather lose his family than tell his wife where £500 went, he knows the truth would destroy the marriage anyway.

@glowfrog if OP is entitled to ask, why do you think her husband is entitled to be upset to be asked? Genuine question! Is it a case of both things can be true?

Both can be true but leads to the impasse and fall out that’s happened.

How someone feels is valid and not something anyone can usually reason or argue with. Different to being right/wrong… and that will change dependent on perspective at times too.

OP was upset and understandably wanted answers. DH expressed his frustration, was reluctant to engage and as was also his prerogative, made clear he didn’t want to provide them.

Being entitled to ask, is different to being entitled to demand answers to any extent, and clearly asking as shown is not the same as getting a satisfactory response.

Being upset at being asked/pressed strongly also a valid position. DH may well have been up to something, we don’t know but from his POV, he’s said he felt it was controlling.

I probably wouldn’t give my DH answers if he approached me that way, but on principle and that’s not to say he doesn’t have a right to ask.

That’s one way of looking at it.

what could you fritter it on in one night when your friend only spent £150 except drugs, sex or gambling? His friend would have told his wife if the ops dh had been drinking a £300 bottle of whisky.

What a lying scumbag!
Fine, it was his money technically but to let you look into a little break away with the kids but then realise that you couldn’t afford to is really shitty.
To then lie about his trip with his friends is really shitty. And then his behaviour and attitude after, well that’s totally unforgivable.
I would hazard a guess that he either has another woman, or he went to a strip club or a brothel.
He’s clearly done something shady.

@99bottlesofkombucha He said early on he had a few hundred left and hadn’t decided what to do with it. Also maybe picked it up wrong but withdrawing £500 doesn’t equate to spending £500. He could have £300 in his wallet. None of us know and he’s not for fessing.

He described this as the final straw, indicates there’s more to it, we don’t know how things have been up to this point, also said if he’d interrogated OP that there’d be uproar. Just his view but interesting phrases none the less.

+Being stubborn myself I can see me digging my heels in similarly but on principle if I was interrogated over what never mind why I spent my own £s a certain way is the point.

That and just saying there are some missing details, overall could be grey area more than it appears. Maybe not too but MN tends to see things often as black/white though and herd mentality if someone has a different slant.

He had a few hundred left of the winnings. In one night he spent £500 of his money and another £500 of his winnings and he won’t explain how. Appreciate people manage money in lots of ways, but as this particular family was looking for £300 for a weekend away they aren’t likely to be in any better a financial position than I am and that is an insane amount of money to spend on a night out. With lies about an imaginary casino on top.

I cannot imagine a scenario where my husband and I couldn’t have any sort of explanation for spending a thousand pounds in one night.