DH hid betting windfall

[Sarahji]

DH and some of his mates have a weekly betting group where they pick football teams and put them in one big bet where the potential returns are high. He has always said they never win and that the most they’ve ever got back was £120 each.

I have become close with one of his friends partners in the past year or so as our youngest is in the same school year. I saw her at soft play this afternoon, we were discussing our half term weeks and she said they’d gone away as a family. I said we looked and that the prices were really high so we couldn’t find a suitable deal.

She said they only managed it as they (the men) had the ‘win the other week’ and this covered it. I blurted out something which obviously showed I was surprised, as she immediately tried to move the subject on.

I spoke to DH when I got home who confirmed this win. He said he didn’t want to feel he had to spend it on ‘us’ so kept it to himself.

He knew how much the kids and I would have loved a few days away and could have easily put some towards it.

I’ve had the odd unexpected windfall during our relationship and some of it has always been used for his benefit too.

AIBU to feel a bit upset by this?

Well this certainly escalated 😳
Forgetting the deceitful behaviour and subsequent lies, the way in which he talks about women is just abhorrent. I couldn't be loving and intimate with someone like that. Great example to your children too.

If this is only a recent thing sounds like hes been accessing Andrew tate esque incel stuff

Blimey

Well I'd not be staying with anyone who used the c word like that. Or who thinks a man has the right to rein his wife in. He's an arse.

But it wasn't the original story at all.

Christ OP. I think it’s perfectly clear it’s gone on nefarious means. I do think it would be worth you having an STI check, as if he has gone down this road then it won’t have been the first time.
His attitude toward your friend is horrific and I feel so desperately sorry you have found out he is so abhorrent.
On the bright side, your friend may have just saved you from years of being married to a pig, and that’s worth its weight in gold

I don't often say LTB, but in this instance I don't know that I could stay.
DH isn't being open or honest with you - he's tried to lie to you about the money, then, secondly, his whereabouts. He's threatened your friend. He's spoken abhorrently about women. He's shown you no respect, as he is trying to coerce you into shutting up and moving on. He is really lacking maturity. He doesn't feel like a safe person at all.

Well the thread has evolved as she's had further discussion with her husband over the last few days

Thats incredibly reasonable of him. He took the risk. with his money. not yours. You can't be annoyed you don't get some of it? this is madness.

If you have fun money of your own, which you do, it's his, just like yours is yours.

What isn't reasonable is lying about where he went. Comments about him might as well getting a "brass" and threatening to go to a hotel if she doesn't stop asking him what really happened with the money

I’d counter that its controlling and coercive behaviour to make someone share money and say where they have been all the time.

He didn't share the money - he blew 500 pounds of it on the day out and offered her a takeaway. Don't think she's asking to know where he's been all the time - just that it's clear that he's lied and she wants to know the truth - don't think that's unreasonable

Don't gaslight the OP. She didn't "make" her husband tell her where he was all the time. He told her he went to a casino and she accepted that even when posters here were raising doubts. When it was finally shown that there was no casino, he then agreed he'd been lying but insisted he wouldn't tell her where he was and she was still trying to placate him rather than "making" him say where he'd really been. As if the OP has been "controlling and coercive" 🙄The OP is as coercive and controlling as her "busy cunt" friend who apparently needs reining in for not knowing she should have lied about her her family holiday to cover up someone else's deceit.

I reckon if the sexes had been swooped everyone would be shouting coercive control….

Ah right - so people aren't allowed to have opinions based on what's been said on a thread? Are you trying to say that people on here are always going to come down in favour of a woman when they post? That's not what I see on the boards - not at all.

Co ercive control would be someone taking the other person's money off them or not allowing them access to it. Being disappointed because someone blew 500 quid in an afternoon and is refusing to say where they went doesn't strike me as co ercive control. You don't think it's reasonable that the husband says where he went or what he spent the cash on? It's to be a big secret? I think being honest is a pretty big deal in relationships

Why?
If a man posted "My wife's friend told me she won £800 and and spent it in a casino on a night out, but there was no casino and she would rather move out into a hotel than tell me where it/she actually went" you would think the same posters would say asking about it was coercive control, rather than saying it was all a bit suspicious?
Pull the other one.

Her friends husband spent 150 - he spent 500 quid - in an afternoon. I think the other OP has every right to be concerned where the money went

She's also at home with the kids while he's off spending like there's no tomorrow. If we are talking about role reversal I wonder how he would feel if she went off for the day spending 500 quid - lying about where she had gone - he might have something to say about that

He didn't even tell her about the win in the first place

very few married couples where it’s totally cool to disappear, spend lots of money and lie about the money and where you are while making comments which I assume mean I should have gone off and paid for sex. And of the married couples where that’s normal, I think the other person should leave them.

You seem very relaxed being married to someone who’s secretive, disrespectful and rude (and that’s an understatement).

You know you’re being ridiculous, has his wife, she has ever right to an explanation as to what he has been up to and why he is hiding things from her. Not only is it common courtesy, but it’s the done thing on all healthy marriages. You don’t lie, keep huge secrets from your spouse and threaten to leave and stay at a hotel because they want answers to what is going on 🙄

You can't swap the sexes.

It's such a lazy trope.

Lazy and so predictable. What a simplistic way of looking at problems.

@Sarahjihow are things going?

He's lied already & when questioned got really defensive so he's def been up to something he doesn't want you to know about. Could he be taking recreational drugs like cocaine? He's been really sneaky by using cash so nothing shows on his statements & that alone would have me questioning him about it all.

what's you plans now OP? What is your gut telling you? Has the wife of his friend said what her other half has said where they'd been or got up to? I'd be having serious thoughts about being with him if he is selfish enough to 'hide' money from you that could've been spent on a family getaway & then told so many lies. What else could he be hiding & lying about & why is he not putting his family first over a night out with the lads (so he says).

Even with top quality cocaine, one person in one night would surely struggle to use £500 worth?!?

Sorry for lack of updates. Things escalated yesterday so I have been dealing with the fall out.

He told me he ‘thinks’ he wants a divorce. When pressed, he said this has been the final straw and he never thought he’d be in a marriage where he has to justify his every expense and movement and he feels he can’t be in a ‘controlling’ marriage any more.

This is utter BS, I was so taken aback but he just shut down any further conversation. He left with minimal belongings and is staying at a friends (won’t tell me who) and said he’ll be in touch to sort arrangements to see the kids at the weekend.

So I am left solo parenting and he has told them he’s on a work trip, when I know damn well he is not!!

I'm so sorry. This is for the best, but it wont feel like it. I would bet that he's with a side woman, but you won't find out for a couple of weeks and then he'll claim they met after yoy split

I’m so sorry to hear this OP. You are absolutely within your rights to question his secrets and lies. It is clear from his response that he is only with you on the condition you are some sort of handmaiden who does as he says and who never questions his bad behaviour.
This was coming down the line. He has brought it forward. There are two scenarios here. He is either with another woman and will use you asking perfectly acceptable questions as the excuse for him to leave the marriage or he’ll be back in a couple of days having given you “a fright” (in his mind), shown you what it’s like to solo parent, and will expect you to knuckle under and do as he says. If this happens you will never escape.
Neither is acceptable. You need to be v strong. Get all financial information together, see a lawyer asap and get support from the people you love IRL. You need to try and put your emotions to one side and do the practical things to get a good settlement from the marriage. Good luck OP. He is not a good man or a good father.