DH hid betting windfall

[Sarahji]

DH and some of his mates have a weekly betting group where they pick football teams and put them in one big bet where the potential returns are high. He has always said they never win and that the most they’ve ever got back was £120 each.

I have become close with one of his friends partners in the past year or so as our youngest is in the same school year. I saw her at soft play this afternoon, we were discussing our half term weeks and she said they’d gone away as a family. I said we looked and that the prices were really high so we couldn’t find a suitable deal.

She said they only managed it as they (the men) had the ‘win the other week’ and this covered it. I blurted out something which obviously showed I was surprised, as she immediately tried to move the subject on.

I spoke to DH when I got home who confirmed this win. He said he didn’t want to feel he had to spend it on ‘us’ so kept it to himself.

He knew how much the kids and I would have loved a few days away and could have easily put some towards it.

I’ve had the odd unexpected windfall during our relationship and some of it has always been used for his benefit too.

AIBU to feel a bit upset by this?

Sorry you’re going through this OP.

I have been following this thread and he’s massively gaslighting you. Stand your ground - tell him to grow the fuck up, or fuck off. As someone else said, you leave and go to a hotel and he can sort the kids out whilst YOU consider YOUR options.

A decent bloke wouldn’t say it or do it.

Decent blokes don’t talk about sex with ‘brasses’ even if they’re annoyed.

Men who don’t respect women talk about women like that.

He would book a hotel rather then have a grown up chat ?

he spent 3 x what the friend did

and amazed his friend is still friends with him if told him to reign his wife in

I couldn't agree more. DH and I operate the same way.

If he gets a bonus at work...it's HIS.
Backdated pay rises that I get are MINE.

My money is mine. His is his.
I'm likely to get an inheritance... he isn't. That's my money. If I choose to treat him...it's my choice. I don't feel entitled to his money.

I don't consider it mean if he doesn't spend his bonus on the kids or me.

The posts calling him allsorts are just of the charts.

Although his reasoning is technically logical, part of the fun of winning something (for most normal people) is to share it with someone you love. If I’d won £800 the first thing I’d think is what I could surprise DH with!

Let him go to hotel and for christ sake don't let him back.

What a completely misogynistic cunt.

😂 I don't care about expensive shoes or clothes so maybe that's why - although I know for a fact I wouldn't allow my children/family to miss out because I wanted something just for myself. I'm assuming you wouldn't buy a pair of 1k shoes over giving your family a nice break, though?

@Sarahji even if he wasn't lying about the casino, he chose to spend money on himself instead of his family. What kind of person lets his children miss out because they want to spend 500 on a night out?? You say you were 300/400 short on a break, he could have easily paid that and and had some spare for a night out. The friends husband (who actually tells his wife things) managed a night out on 120. If he is not a big gambler then it's definitely women - not bloody vodka!

He's a liar, gaslighter and doesn't prioritise his family. And I can guarantee this isn't actually out of character and it's just because this time you found out. Now this poor woman, who has done nothing except have a decent husband, is now the villain and has form for causing trouble and needs a man to put her in line?!

Reign her in???? 😳😳😳
like she’s something he owns??? 🧐

Not just sharing with your partner, but your children! Who aren't allowed to legally join in with your bet even if they wanted to chip in with their pocket money.

Using OP as a technicality is ignoring the DC and how this could have done something lovely for them. I can't quite get my head round how someone could be so selfish.

from your original OP Sarahji, I’d have said you’d benefit from reflecting on whether you want to be with someone immature and mean-spirited. Whether it’s technically his money or joint money, keeping it secret is understandably disappointing, particularly when you believed you were a team.

From your updates though, I’m a bit shocked to hear a husband saying such harsh things - is this normal for him? The swearing, the rein her in, the brass, demanding you stop going on about it. Is this out of character? This moves it from immature to nasty. This is the far bigger problem.

What’s your situation OP? Do you work, have your own finances etc if needed? How old are the DC? I’m sorry you’re going through this.

£150 on drinks/curry as per his mate, £60-80 on coke, £150-200 on a brothel. Enough money left for a cash cab to leave no paper trail. Sorry, but £500 is hard to blow on a night out in Bath unless you go all in.

It’s all food for thought for the OP…

I know someone who had to justify this cash withdrawal to his wife. Eventually came up with the story he'd got so wasted on booze (blaming it on the notorious boozy/druggy and newly divorced friend in the group of married men), that someone had somehow managed to take adavantage of him and effectively "mug" him by taking him to a cash point and taking his money. Was too embarrassed to tell her. etc. etc. Total bs. The notorious boozy friend has since become the scapegoat for someone else in the group to cover coke and other sleazy purchases when his wife was questioning historic spending. These are "respectable" married, educated, employed fathers, upstanding citizens albeit they like a bit of fun with the lads, boys will be boys etc. But surely they would never do that.... well, yes, they would and they have and so, OP, don't let the gaslighting stop you from standing your ground here.

I’m really sorry OP but reading everything you’ve said has been like reliving one episode of my life. I’ve been exactly where you are, lie after lie, gaslighting, sulking, digging in, foul mood and then the controlling threats,
He’s clearly hiding things, and you know it. It’s a sickening feeling, torn between wanting to know and wishing you’d never said anything to start with. Being made to feel like he’s the victim now in all of it.
You need to be firm and clear with him, that now is the time he comes clean with you if there is any hope of getting through this (I don’t know if that’s what you want or feel you can do?) But if he chooses to abandon the marital home and his family, to go to a hotel rather than tell you what’s going on. There is no hope for your marriage to continue. You can’t allow him to play games with you like this or it will never end. He will always know if you let’s this go you have no boundaries and want give a fk what he does in future x

He has turned on my friend who mentioned about the win originally, called her a ‘busy c’and said he will tell his mate to reign her in, *

Well he sounds a real prince - not. His misogyny is showing, has it ever shown before?

Any chance he's been reading Andrew Tate or his ilk?

I think you need to think hard about where you go from here. He doesn't see himself as an equal parent if he won't do something nice for the children out of that money, he's clearly lying about something and it sounds like it's going to be something significant, and he thinks it's OK for a man to tell his wife to rein it in. He knows he's been at least partly rumbled. I think the night out he had was the night your marriage changed, and not for the better.

Not really, the brass comment isn’t the first ‘joke’ made along those lines though. I remember before Christmas his newly single mate was over and I asked him if he was planning on dating anytime soon and we had a normal conversation. DH (slightly pissed) made some remark about there being no need for online dating when he (mate) could get an hour with a leggy Russian for less than the cost of a couple of dates. He said straight away it was a joke and I just rolled my eyes.

@Sarahji what is your gut instinct about where that 500 quid went now you have had a chance to think about actual food and booze costs in Bath and now he has admitted he was lying all along about the casino?

I honestly don’t know , I hope he hasn’t got a debt to someone and was using that to repay it , but no idea what he’d have any debt for. We do okay and cope financially in the main, I can see our joint accounts.

And that his mate only spent £150…

Maybe a gambling debt …

This.

He sounds really vile. What an awful way to talk about women.
I hope his mate tells your H to shut the f* up when he tells (mate) to tell his wife to "rein it in".

OP, it's time.
🦆🦆🦆

Far more likely to have gone on lap dancing and coke than a £300 debt to one of his mates that he decided to repay in cash whilst out on a bender. It doesn’t really make sense that he’d pay Dave back that £300 but make up a lie about the casino rather tell you that’s what had happened, does it?

Surely something should have felt off from the get go?

Op you said you're husband's no normally like this - what do you mean? He doesn't lie? He doesn't talk bad about others (the wat he spoke about friends wife)? He doesn't threaten to go to a hotel if he doesn't get his way?

I'm struggling to see how his whole persona has changed - I'm thinking he has always been a prick but you catching him out has opened your eyes a bit.

Like other posters have said give a bit more detail about your situation eg who works, do you each have own bank accounts? What is your relationship like? Does he sulk? Has he lied before? Do you argue much?

I think he's been with a hooker. And thought he'd got away with it and is now taking offense as his best defence.

I think your DH is just one of those people who has no filter. He is angry you found out (thus his mood towards your friend) and that you are questioning him, and he is lashing out.

he could also well be like my ex who with a wallet full of money ended up shouting everyone so he had nothing left and no idea the next day (or until someone who was there would tell him).

if You haven’t already done so, let your friend know what has happened at home. It’s possible she might glean more info. her partner might not be best pleased with your DH’s attitude towards her too and fractures might occur there, or even DH being told to wind his neck in.

in the meanwhile look after yourself and if you can, go away to family for a few days. Let things cool and take time to think how you want to proceed.