DH hid betting windfall

[Sarahji]

DH and some of his mates have a weekly betting group where they pick football teams and put them in one big bet where the potential returns are high. He has always said they never win and that the most they’ve ever got back was £120 each.

I have become close with one of his friends partners in the past year or so as our youngest is in the same school year. I saw her at soft play this afternoon, we were discussing our half term weeks and she said they’d gone away as a family. I said we looked and that the prices were really high so we couldn’t find a suitable deal.

She said they only managed it as they (the men) had the ‘win the other week’ and this covered it. I blurted out something which obviously showed I was surprised, as she immediately tried to move the subject on.

I spoke to DH when I got home who confirmed this win. He said he didn’t want to feel he had to spend it on ‘us’ so kept it to himself.

He knew how much the kids and I would have loved a few days away and could have easily put some towards it.

I’ve had the odd unexpected windfall during our relationship and some of it has always been used for his benefit too.

AIBU to feel a bit upset by this?

Exactly this. Roundabout way of justifying it to himself.

Time to gently and subtly train him & raise his awareness. The time for "him" (himself) VERSUS "us" (to include wife/partner & children) is over. Everything is "us". I'm puzzled and saddened by some people who carry on with this "my" and "us" long after becoming partners (married or not).

How do we know there isn't a lot of 'us' going on already?
Does this mean that the OP should never be able to buy herself anything because that isn't for the family? Or to never go out herself with friends because that isn't 'us'.

Could he be saving it up for a birthday present for you? DH has a side hustle that provides a wee bit of cash. He hides it in various spots but inevitably it’s given to me as a birthday present to buy a ticket to visit my family.

Well I wouldn't have made everything into " us" at any point in my life.. surely people are allowed something that's theirs alone?

Nothing wrong? They were 300/400 short so they couldn’t go on a half term holiday, and he won double that, and then spent 500 on one might out. And if it is for a family holiday, how is that the OP with her hand out expecting him to give it to her? The family, not her

The issue is now definitely what happened? Shocking considering there wasn't suspicions in the begining

So is reasonable to spend it on prostitutes or not, according to you? I am confused.

If the OP is worried that he didn't tell her about the money because he has spent it on being unfaithful (or on something illegal) then her concerns are justified. They are not separate issues.

The prostitute is a red herring.

It would be unreasonable ( in most relationships anyway) to use a prostitute.

What money he may or may not have used is totally irrelevant

It's his winnings. You don't share in his losses, but want to share in the wins.

I can see why he didn't say anything, because you do sound like you would have expected him to spend it on the family.

So you are changing your stance? Ignoring the second bit of your post being gibberish.

Pheebs87 · Today 14:19
So it's reasonable for him to spend that money on strippers or prostitutes?

Thechaseison71 · Today 14:30
If that's what he wants. It's also likely to him being divorced no matter even if he got their services for free

It isn't irrelevant if it is why he lied.

I agree.

Such a double standard.

Train him?
He's not a dog.

Ffs that's saying the same thing.

If he wants to spend the money on whatever ( including a prostitute) then that's up to him. He can spend his money how he wishes.

But it's USING the prostitute that's likely to cause marital issues, NOT the fact he may have spent his secret winnings on it

So you don't think it is reasonable. Well good, because that is the response of a sane person.

I wouldn't think blowing £800 on a pair of shoes was reasonable either but there you go.

I had a friend whose husband was a gambling addict and he used to hide his winnings from her and the DC.

Neither would I!

Happy to slag off a man who says he ‘may as well have had a brass’ when his wife is annoyed with him…

Get rid of him now!

Are you on glue?

There are a few different issues here.
For me, I could accept not sharing his money but I would not like the dishonesty im not telling me.
Also, the reason why he hasn’t told.
I’m guessing playing the big man at a lap dancing place 🤷‍♀️

Is that the best you can offer the forum ?

The OP has a husband who withdrew £500 in cash and repeatedly lied to her about where he had been and thus how it was spent. It's obvious that £500 did not go on food and drinks. I'm sure there a quite a few of us reading this thread who know of married fathers who, on such a "lad's" day+night out, have also withdrawn similar amounts of cash - while others in the group have not - and what that money was spent on. That is where OP's focus should sadly be.

True, dogs are more loyal….