DH hid betting windfall

[Sarahji]

DH and some of his mates have a weekly betting group where they pick football teams and put them in one big bet where the potential returns are high. He has always said they never win and that the most they’ve ever got back was £120 each.

I have become close with one of his friends partners in the past year or so as our youngest is in the same school year. I saw her at soft play this afternoon, we were discussing our half term weeks and she said they’d gone away as a family. I said we looked and that the prices were really high so we couldn’t find a suitable deal.

She said they only managed it as they (the men) had the ‘win the other week’ and this covered it. I blurted out something which obviously showed I was surprised, as she immediately tried to move the subject on.

I spoke to DH when I got home who confirmed this win. He said he didn’t want to feel he had to spend it on ‘us’ so kept it to himself.

He knew how much the kids and I would have loved a few days away and could have easily put some towards it.

I’ve had the odd unexpected windfall during our relationship and some of it has always been used for his benefit too.

AIBU to feel a bit upset by this?

This thread is a case of what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine also to spend on what I want.

If he gambles and loses out of his own fun money he pays for that. So if he wins he gets it also.

If your kids are not getting enough then the solution is for both of you not to have so much fun money and use more of that money to spend on your kids.

The idea that "the kids" should be a justification for a giant black hole that hoovers up everyones cash, fun money, birthday money and winnings doesn't cut it for me.

There are so many things to be upset about here but him outright lying about spending it in a casino is a massive red flag.

If that's what he wants. It's also likely to him being divorced no matter even if he got their services for free

What?

There is a massive difference between a black hole and kids "hoovering up all your money" to hiding wins, not wanting to do anything nice with your family and children, let alone betting money which means your family is short of a decent life

There are a lot of very unpleasant blokes on this thread having a lot of fun winding women up about how men have the right to spend their money how they want - just like the good old days!

I’m sorry but his cagey behaviour has me very wary. WTF is he hiding? If he’s not done anything he shouldn't, he’d not be hiding anything. I’d be very very unhappy if I were you @Sarahji there’s something big that he’s not telling you.

Yep, there are a LOT of men here.

Yep. Ah well, if that amuses them 🙄

I won £100 on the lottery the other day ... I told my hubby but didnt share it, he didnt expect me to. Its sitting in my online lottery account. I dont think he wud have tht me unreasonable if I hadn't told him either, but I did. So I can see ur point about him not telling you, but having to share it ... im on the fence ..

I’ve seen some be advised to keep things like this secret from their DH so it should go both ways.

You must be really disappointed ☹️ how much was it or didn’t you find out ? It’s a bit of a shitty thing to do

800 pounds

During domestic abuse situations - not the same thing

It was 800 quid and he's spent over 500 and she was offered a takeaway

This issue can be better answered if everyone knew far more about their relationship dynamics. It's easy to say the OP can and does share her wins but truthfully, none of us know anything. DH could be selfish, or his actions could be a reaction to past events where he felt underappreciated and decided to keep the winnings to himself.

It's easy to claim his money could make his children happy, but that looks more like a sympathy grab to the reader and to demonize him rather than discovering his true motives.

Lots of slagging off the husband, as usual, and not enough historical information. I suggest the OP go to a professional therapist and run as far as possible from online strangers happy to call your husband names and give her a warm fuzzy to buttress her feelings of financial betrayal.

I hope you’ve managed to have a proper talk with you dh OP and learned some facts about what’s really gone on.
there’s been some ludicrous comments, especially mentioning ‘interrogation’, I think they may need to look the word up 🤨
You wouldn’t even need to repeat a question more than once if he gave you an honest answer and explanation. Surely any normal person can see that’s all you want?, it’s all anyone would want. Not knowing what the person you love most in the world is doing, hiding from you is heartbreaking, draining, toxic and over time breaks you x

Of course it is. She’s expecting him to turn his winnings over to the family pot. If he won the lottery he would probably think there was enough to go round. He clearly didn’t. Maybe he wanted to buy something for himself with it which he’s entitled to do out of his winnings. The children don’t appear to be suffering because of his gambling because he does it all the time she she doesn’t cover the cost when he loses. Everyone’s entitled to do as they please with their own money. As long as he’s not gambling the family money there’s not a problem.

Apart from the fact that he lied about where he was at the weekend and said he might as well have gone with a prostitute - it's all good

I still agree that there are a lot of things that the OP needs to find out, especially if it sounds like the other men didn't spend as much so it is increasingly likely her husband was doing something they didn't. Did they even all stick together or did the group separate?

For those still saying he should have sacrificed his win for the family (before we knew about what the money might have gone on) should understand not everyone has shared finances. I will dip freely into our joint account and buy myself shoes, clothes, pay for a haircut and if I go for a meal with friends that took comes out of the joint account.
Not all families do this though which sounds like the case here - each get a set amount (say £200 a month to do as they please). If the OP spends all her money it's not fair for her to then want his too just because he placed a bet and won. As several posters including myself have said he is likely to be in deficit and this isn't really a win.

If she planned to go on a half term holiday (where was she even going if it needed £400 more to fund) then they need to look at their holiday budget and cut the personal spends (so instead of each taking £200 a month, drop to £150 for example).
We don't know the circumstances and maybe they do have a two week summer holiday planned and therefore the husband doesn't want to fund a half term holiday in February when the weather is rubbish (she mentioned staying in the UK so I am imagining centre parcs).

Anyway back to the real issue, I hope she finds out what the money went on and can then decide what to do about it.

He doubled down when you first asked about the casino by clearly googling a closed one and lying that he went there and what it was called. Then only when backed into a corner does he admit it wasn’t true and then storm off because you’re asking too many questions (gaslighting and also giving himself time to think).

He also lied that everyone put £500 into a kitty and were doing rounds because your friend says when her husband tallied his account he spent £150 - no reason to tally an account if put a set amount in a kitty in cash and got none back and no reason to tally up drinks etc if kitty cash paid for the drinks because it would’ve been paid cash from that kitty not something paid on card by the friend’s husband.

He has spent a significant amount of money on SOMETHING that he’s prepared to lie about and double down in lies about. You need to get to the bottom of what that something is before you know if you can get past it.

£500 is not dinner and alcohol - even if he spent £100 on dinner and was drinking £20 cocktails all night that’s 20 cocktails or circa 40 shots of spirits which would’ve been crazily excessive. Plus it sounds like he admits spirits were only consumed towards the end of the night so mostly beer which is much much cheaper.

This I’m afraid OP. This would certainly give me the ick. How does he normally behave towards you and the family unit as a whole?

And what a double standard too, when he’s gained from your previous little gains.

And the takeaway that you normally get anyway? Breadcrumb 🙄

So, read all the updates, not all the replies, obviously.

Yeah, sure, his money, his win, I get that, but his lack of openness, and lying, and then getting defensive when caught out, are definitely some red flags waving about! That’s a lot of money for a celebration outing, given presumably they would all have paid their share. Interesting too, how the others have chosen to spend it. Says a fair bit about his attitude.

Is he generally good with money management? Are you protected, OP, if he racks up some gambling debt? How informed are you of the household finances, as in, do you also have access, etc.?

I’d defo be keeping my eyes open on his behaviour from now on…

Sorry OP @Sarahji

Well said.

Well if he was to use a prostitute what has it actually got to do with the money? That's being unfaithful and nothing to do with his wiinings