DH hid betting windfall

[Sarahji]

DH and some of his mates have a weekly betting group where they pick football teams and put them in one big bet where the potential returns are high. He has always said they never win and that the most they’ve ever got back was £120 each.

I have become close with one of his friends partners in the past year or so as our youngest is in the same school year. I saw her at soft play this afternoon, we were discussing our half term weeks and she said they’d gone away as a family. I said we looked and that the prices were really high so we couldn’t find a suitable deal.

She said they only managed it as they (the men) had the ‘win the other week’ and this covered it. I blurted out something which obviously showed I was surprised, as she immediately tried to move the subject on.

I spoke to DH when I got home who confirmed this win. He said he didn’t want to feel he had to spend it on ‘us’ so kept it to himself.

He knew how much the kids and I would have loved a few days away and could have easily put some towards it.

I’ve had the odd unexpected windfall during our relationship and some of it has always been used for his benefit too.

AIBU to feel a bit upset by this?

Their marriage isnt healthy because he wastes their money on betting, gambling and god knows what else. He is selfish and didnt even think of his children.
That is all on him. Not her fault at all.

I dont see the issue in someone spending it on themselves, if OP won £800 I would hope that if there was something she really wanted that wasn't obtainable usually she treated herself to it- women dont tend to. The lying, frittering it away on absolute crap (which he cant even be honest about) and then the subsequent comments to OP are gross and unacceptable though.

That's what personal 'fun money' is for and the whole point is that it can go on whatever you like without a partner moaning about it.

I'm speaking generally now because clearly, OP's partner has lied about many things and that isn't right at all.

For us, family days out/trips away don't come out of personal fun money. Not unless we want to anyway but it would be extra.

That is very selfish behaviour. You'd think he would want to treat his family...

"Personal fun money" so you dont have fun with your kids?! Ive never heard such rubbish in my life.
If you have a family, even if you have seperate finances, you should be working as a team for the greater good and the best outcomes for your family. Of course everyone deserves a treat, but to decieve your family and not put them first when spending the money is just disgusting. Spend some of it on yourself yes but there are children here who would have loved a day trip with daddy in half term. But daddy has other priorities.
Family should always come first. They dont here

While I would completely be against strippers or prostitutes, of course, and would think he was an idiot for spending it all on drink I do think it’s his win to do that with if he wishes. He’s not wasting family money… he spent the outlay on the bet, he won the money and it’s not a very large amount. So it’s his money. This is his hobby not the OPs and I wouldn’t expect her to hand over any winnings to him either had it been vice versa.

His way of speaking to his wife and how he treats her generally is a different matter and unacceptable.

All money is family money. You wont convince me otherwise.
Hes wasting family money betting. If hes wasting £200 a month on betting (i bet its more!) That a month could take your children out for a day in the holidays or saved towards a trip away.
The OP said they were "short" and couldnt afford to go away on a holiday in half term.
But daddy can afford to continue to gamble and then splurge his winnings.
You tell me how that is for the greater good of his family. His children are missing out because he is gambling.

Of course but that doesn't come from the personal money, that comes from the joint money. The personal money is...personal, for me or DH to do whatever we like with and that includes any windfall such as betting, work bonuses etc.

As I've already said, deceiving OP was wrong and I've never said otherwise.

People keep saying that "£800 isn't a lot of money". Well, for most families it is.
If this man can just fritter away this amount of money without a care for his own family, I think is unreasonable and selfish.
Plus - I would suggest that spending money on family time with children can be a lot of fun!
As I said though. We're all different.

How did this escalate here ?

As ive written above:
"All money is family money. You wont convince me otherwise.
Hes wasting family money betting. If hes wasting £200 a month on betting (i bet its more!) That a month could take your children out for a day in the holidays or saved towards a trip away.
The OP said they were "short" and couldnt afford to go away on a holiday in half term.
But daddy can afford to continue to gamble and then splurge his winnings.
You tell me how that is for the greater good of his family. His children are missing out because he is gambling."

Its all family money.

Really sadly, this thread is just another iteration of 'Why women leave their husbands.'

So. Many. Useless. Men.

I guess what would concern me out of all of this, is that he doesn’t want you to know where he actually DID go, which is why he lied.

Do NOT allow him to gaslight you and turn it back on you and make you feel like you’re the one in the wrong: he’s the one lying and covering something up.

He’s sick of me asking about it now anyway.

Yup. I can understand why he didn’t want to disclose… would do my head in being interrogated over how I spent my own money.

Would you spend your "own" money on yourself rather than take your children away on holiday/day trip

Something isn’t adding up. I hope you get an ending you’re happy with.

OP, he is an awful father and husband. He doesn't give a shit about you and the children so why are you with him. Your poor children are suffering here, you need to protect them.

Personal fun money is just that - money to spend on personal fun things.
We don't have context here but in this set up I'd expect there to be other pots for bills and family fun money.
When money is tight it's a good way to arrange things to avoid the resentment that has arisen here (separate to the lying).

Yes - if there was a family holiday already booked for later in the year. Half term breaks have never been a thing here.

Except clearly not all marriages are the same because not every marriage works in that way. Mine doesn't.

We have family money but we also have our own money which also seems to be the case in OP's marriage too.

Yes

Yes but my point being, even using "own" money to gamble is having an adverse effect on the family. They were short of money to do something in half term.
I couldn't be with a man who thought it was ok to keep his "own" money rather than dip into it and spend a day out with his children or take them on a mini break.

I have seperate money to my DP, and he is free to spend his own money how he chooses, but I can guarantee if we were short of some money for something that would benefit us as a family, or needed for a leaking roof or a car repair, "his spare money" would soon become our money for the greater good of the family

So where do you draw the line then?
Family fun money and bills etc depleted. Then all of a sudden the roof leaks. Is it still ok that dad goes and bets his "spare money" away rather than fix the roof?

Its all well and good having your own money but surely if something crops up you should sacrifice your "spare personal money" to benefit the family

I'm late to this thread but him spending around £500 on a night out just doesn't add up as others have said.
Especially as he's eventually admitted he didn't go to a casino. He's definitely hiding something.

Also, he could have used some of that money to spend on his children and you, even a day out if not an overnight or a couple of days away .
He chose not to even tell you about the win, if you hadn't seen his friend's wife you wouldn't have known.
He's entitled to a night out but he's a selfish, llying ar$e and I wouldn't be letting this go.

They're clearly a thing for the OP.